ladydesigner Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I know where I stand on this, but I am curious to hear what others think about disclosing or not disclosing an A to the BS and what the benefits or non-benefits would be? I know the right thing to do is to tell the truth, but is it always the right thing to do? Many therapists are 50/50 on this. I would like to see what many of the LSers views are on this topic both WS, BS, OM, or OW are welcome to discuss.
Bryanp Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hello, I think this is an easy answer which is yes. By not informing the betrayed spouse you are in fact continuing the disrespect you had for the BS during the affair. It is at the very least you can do for the betrayed spouse to be honest with them. This shows at least some deep down respect. By not informing the spouse you continue to manipulate them for your own benefit and are really treating them like a fool. Every spouse deserve the truth. Either you have a marriage from this point on based on truth and honesty or continuing lies and deceit. The choice is yours.
scorpmale003 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 it's really doesn't matter whether the cheater discloses it or not....... we are not in stone age...every thing is hackable/accessible, unless cheater uses stone age techniques
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 It's called EQUAL-FOOTING!!! a good example: is the mayweather-pacquio fight that never happened, because mayweather wanted pac tested for steroids. pac refused and denied he ever took steroids. but mayweather was right there ready and willing, pac wasnt. That right there shows pac to be a liar and is hiding something. The same goes for any human being, why wouldnt they want to know the truth. To be equal in knowledge, to know what they are up against. Lying about who you been with is wrong. If your having or has had an affair and just pretended like nothing ever happened. How could you ever look in the mirror and lie about what you done? Doesn't it knaw at you, eat at you, fester inside? I couldnt live with the burden of knowing what i done. I don't understand how anyone could. No conscious. No emotions, just lies built on falsehoods, and falicies.
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Always disclose....The spouse deserves to know and be able to make their own decisions on staying in the marriage. Besides, it will almost always be discovered eventually, and years of deceit on top of the A are much harder to overcome than full disclosure of an A.
seibert253 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 It's funny. If my wife would have come clean on her own, and told me what was going on prior to getting caught, I would have actually respected her for that bit of honesty. Yeah it would have hurt the same, I would have been pizzed like I was, but I think the hurt and anger would have subsided quicker if she came forward.
BurriedAlive Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I had a PA with one of my bosses 4 years ago that lasted a year. DD came along when W got an email from MM's niece. MM came up with a story that we had only had sex twice, we realized it was wrong so we stopped. W began to stalk me. She drove by my house 25 times per day. This went on for about three weeks when finally I really wanted it to end and I felt extremely bad for her. I really was sorry for her pain. I sent her a message saying this and she called me asking if she could meet me. So she came over one night and with the help of a little wine I answered her questions as honestly as I could. I think this helped her and helped me and I was happy that I had chosen to do this at the time. Anyway, she called me a few other times after that and then I moved away. I hadn't heard from her for a year when she sent me an email with more questions. Over the next 6 months she emailed me regularly. I tried politely to tell her that I wasn't helping her anymore and that she needed to stop contacting me. She would not leave me alone... I finally had to stop responding as this was the only way to end contact. So....to answer your question, I think the BS does need all the information but the full disclosure needs to come from their H or Ws. The fact that she felt the need to keep getting her answers from me was unacceptable really. MM was a very good gaslighter in this situation and to this day, I still don't understand why in the heck he just didn't tell her the truth! I wish I wasn't the one that told her because in the end I don't think she believed what I was telling her anyway. MM was a Master Liar - second to none. He had 25 years of practice telling them to her and she had 25 years of practice believing them! Very sad...
bentnotbroken Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 He deserves to make decisions about his life based on all the facts. To deny him the truth denies him his free will.
eeyore1981 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I know where I stand on this, but I am curious to hear what others think about disclosing or not disclosing an A to the BS and what the benefits or non-benefits would be? I know the right thing to do is to tell the truth, but is it always the right thing to do? Many therapists are 50/50 on this. I would like to see what many of the LSers views are on this topic both WS, BS, OM, or OW are welcome to discuss. IIRC, you are the one who had the affair, so that is how I am approaching this. What would you do if your H came to you and confessed to having an affair of his own? Would you still keep your affair to yourself?
Jeff1962 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 He deserves to make decisions about his life based on all the facts. To deny him the truth denies him his free will. This pretty much sums it up. Besides, you cheat on me and I will f**k your best friend if I know about it.
skylarblue Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I have never admitted to any SO that I was cheating when asked. I would have never admitted to cheating unless approached with solid proof, and I would've minimize what actually happened. My SO’s benefit (if you can it that) was they got to keep the R with the person they loved. But I didn’t give them a choice to decide if they wanted to still love a person that was cheating on them. My benefit was I got to keep the R I was comfortable with and still pursue another person I was interested in. It’s totally selfish and self-serving, but I’m not in the habit of excepting consequences if I can avoid them. MM has decided that disclosure is not the option for him. I use to be adamant that his W didn’t need to know about the A because their life was pretty much the same, he wouldn’t leave her, and she wouldn’t leave him. Not that she didn’t deserve to know, just that she would be much happier by not knowing. But since my pregnancy experience with MM (which seems to go beyond the parameters of an A and has caused me to feel empathy for the W) I often think that it’s wrong and feel bad to not allow her to know the facts and make her own decisions (especially since she has asked). But it’s said that “happiness is 9/10th perception and 1/10th reality” and I think his W is happier and better off with the perception of a happy M than the life-changing reality of her H’s A.
jnj express Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 By not telling---you are still cheating---now its cheating by ommission, otherwise known as lying---as opposed to commission---the actual ea or pa.
lkjh Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 For starters you have to understand that therapist are not all knowing. Most of them make their living by keeping their patients happy. So, convincing a patient that what they did isn't that bad and letting them have their cake and eat it to keeps the therapist rich
Samantha0905 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 For starters you have to understand that therapist are not all knowing. Most of them make their living by keeping their patients happy. So, convincing a patient that what they did isn't that bad and letting them have their cake and eat it to keeps the therapist rich And for that matter, neither are posters on the internet. Furthermore, that's a pretty harsh/cynical judgment on the mission of a therapist and not true at all IMO.
bentnotbroken Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 And for that matter, neither are posters on the internet. Furthermore, that's a pretty harsh/cynical judgment on the mission of a therapist and not true at all IMO. Therapist can only help in the context to which they are hired. If you are seeing an IC then that counselor may very will tell her to keep silent. They are there to give advice that would benefit the patient. If it were a MC the advice might very well be you can't build a healthy relationship on deception. That counselor may encourage (within a safe setting like the office) to discuss the truth with the counselor acting as mediator. Yes there are some quacks out there, just like in every other profession. That doesn't mean that all therapist are bad or all therapist know what they are doing. As in every service you pay for, you need to be aware of a therapist's credentials and the complaints against them. My opinion is a healthy relationships needs every chance at survival and lies don't equal healthy.
lkjh Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 And for that matter, neither are posters on the internet. Furthermore, that's a pretty harsh/cynical judgment on the mission of a therapist and not true at all IMO. The vast majority of the time therapist recommend not to tell only because it benefits the patient temporarily. Its how it is even if you don't like it. The fact that you choose to side with dishonesty is a character flaw and getting mad at others won't correct it
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I know where I stand on this, but I am curious to hear what others think about disclosing or not disclosing an A to the BS and what the benefits or non-benefits would be? the benefits would be that the BS now isn't being played for a total fool any longer and has the information he/she deserves to know. The non-benefit would be that if you were the one in the affair, you might end up with a black eye. I know the right thing to do is to tell the truth, but is it always the right thing to do? ask yourself, is letting someone continually and unknowingly be betrayed the right thing to do?
Samantha0905 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 The vast majority of the time therapist recommend not to tell only because it benefits the patient temporarily. Its how it is even if you don't like it. The fact that you choose to side with dishonesty is a character flaw and getting mad at others won't correct it I wasn't angry nor am I interested in your assessment of my character. I don't know you. You could have quite a few character flaws yourself. I'm simply pointing out your earlier assessment of what a therapist does: Most of them make their living by keeping their patients happy. So, convincing a patient that what they did isn't that bad and letting them have their cake and eat it to keeps the therapist rich is incorrect and very cynical.
anne1707 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Hello, I think this is an easy answer which is yes. By not informing the betrayed spouse you are in fact continuing the disrespect you had for the BS during the affair. It is at the very least you can do for the betrayed spouse to be honest with them. This shows at least some deep down respect. By not informing the spouse you continue to manipulate them for your own benefit and are really treating them like a fool. Every spouse deserve the truth. Either you have a marriage from this point on based on truth and honesty or continuing lies and deceit. The choice is yours. Agree totally Also if you do not disclose, how can you truly address the problems in the marriage. The BS has no idea how bad things are so how on earth can they understand what they are dealing with? Without knowing about the affair, the BS does not even really know their spouse. Even though it was hell, telling my H about my affair was the first step in our recovery.
Hop_prophet Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Frankly, I have no respect for people who cheat and then justify continued deception. It is a terrible thing to do to someone and essentially you are robbing them of their own free will. You only get one chance at life and to do this to a spouse is an act of extreme cruelty and is the epitome of selfishness. Without disclosing there is no true remorse and the relationship cannot be repaired since the BS does not even know what he is dealing with.
moaningmyrtle Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 (edited) I know where I stand on this, but I am curious to hear what others think about disclosing or not disclosing an A to the BS and what the benefits or non-benefits would be? I know the right thing to do is to tell the truth, but is it always the right thing to do? Many therapists are 50/50 on this. I would like to see what many of the LSers views are on this topic both WS, BS, OM, or OW are welcome to discuss. Benefits: Allows WS to come clean - have a clean slate and proceed with honesty. Possibility for a "better" marriage. Both parties are operating with full knowledge. The WS is not withholding information in order to manipulate the BS into doing something (eg staying) which they might not otherwise do (which I consider to be a form of emotional abuse). Marriage can move forward without this emotional abuse being present every day for the rest of the marriage. Opportunity to "fix" problems that might not otherwise be fixed ever. Costs: Risk that BS will end the marriage. The hurt experienced by the BS will be enormous and difficult to deal with. Exposure of the WS to unfavorable scrutiny by those who find out about the A. WS really does face up to the pain/hurt they have caused - not pleasant for them to do this. Marriage may not be recoverable even though both parties try. Balance: All factors need to be balanced. Sadly before disclosure, it is only the WS who gets to do this balancing. The BS has virtually no say. If the BS never finds out then the balance will always be tipped in the favour of the WS - no doubt WSs who decide not to tell actually want this imbalance. I understand they don't want to inflict the hurt on their BS by telling. As it often said it is the action of having the A that has caused the damage not the telling. Does anyone ever blame the newspaper when one is upset to find out that an old friend has been murdered? I'd be interested to know statistics but my guess is that most BSs (who know they have been BSs) would say tell; most married people who have been in affairs where there has been no d-day would say don't tell; and most OW/M where there has been no d-day (and they know the MP is unlikely to leave the marriage) will say don't tell. Realistically, it is only the unknowing BS who has been making significant life decisions based on misinformation that they have no inkling of, so I think the opinions of BSs as a general group should somehow count for more. Edited February 20, 2010 by moaningmyrtle
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