Vegas Baby Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 My bf & I have been together for over 9 months. Well he's been sober for 2 years. He's always told everyone that he'd rather die than drink again. Well the other night we got into an argument about a few different issues, which hurt my feelings because he was blaming me. So as we were arguing, he walks away since he doesn't like confrontation, & then later texts me & tells me that he drank 2 weeks ago because at the time we had a disagreement & it made him drink & that he's disappointed in himself that he ruined 2 years. I was shocked & I thought, ok I'll help him get through this. But he didn't want my help, which hurt my feelings. So the next day I was thinking of ways to help him, I was sad for him, and THEN last night he tells me that he really didn't drink & that he lied to me just to divert the attention off of the real issues. I was steaming mad when he told me that, because I couldn't believe that he lied to me & led me to believe him & he took advantage of my feelings, just to get attention or a reaction out of me. I think it's pretty low & I am still mad at him, & who knows I don't even know if he did or didn't drink now because I feel like I can't trust him. He thinks I can just flip a switch & put this behind me but I feel used now & confused & don't know what to think now. How do I handle this & why did he do that to me?
alphamale Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 he sounds like a pretty manipulative dude...maybe you two should take some time off and sort out your feelings for each other.
Author Vegas Baby Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 hey alphamale i remember you back in the day lol... yah i can tell he gets manipulative, sometimes i might not realize it until someone says so. i do want more opinions on this but you might be right
Author Vegas Baby Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 oh wonderful.... i just asked him why he told his other friend he drank after he posted a status on facebook that night, that didnt make sense to me of why if it wasn't the truth that he'd lie to someone else to. and i said i didn't drink, like all angry and then he said fine i don't care if you don't believe me i don't give a ****. wow.
soulm8 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I hate to tell ya this... but that really reminds me of a relationship I had to end last year. When I first met him, he did not drink and the reasons he gave me seemed to make sense at the time. I found out after I became his girlfriend (from his mother) that he was actually a "recovered alcoholic". He had a drink about 4-5 months into our relationship and it became very evident within a few months of him falling off the wagon that he had a serious problem with alcohol. After months of trying to help him, I had to give up on him... and even turn down his marriage proposal. If you're a social drinker, like I am, RUN!!!!
2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I hate to tell ya this... but that really reminds me of a relationship I had to end last year. When I first met him, he did not drink and the reasons he gave me seemed to make sense at the time. I found out after I became his girlfriend (from his mother) that he was actually a "recovered alcoholic". He had a drink about 4-5 months into our relationship and it became very evident within a few months of him falling off the wagon that he had a serious problem with alcohol. After months of trying to help him, I had to give up on him... and even turn down his marriage proposal. If you're a social drinker, like I am, RUN!!!! i agree with this mainly because - if he drank that is HIS issue - not your... to deal with and to fix. you can't fix it for him - i can guarantee you that. if he's working a solid recovery program then he wouldn't be acting this way... let him go - he has a lot of hard and painful work for himself.
Author Vegas Baby Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 well he swears up and down on his mother's life that he hasn't drank for over 2 years, i believe him but when he told me that and then took it back, it really made me think, because it's still hard to believe him. i dunno whether to just let this go or what i should do.
alphamale Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 well he swears up and down on his mother's life that he hasn't drank for over 2 years, ahh he's full of ****
D-Lish Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Well, just know that the drinking is entirely his issue. It is quite possible he did have a relapse and is ashamed- hence the recant. If his motivation was to lie to divert attention, that's a crazy lie! I would be as upset as you are- but perhaps the best way to go about this is to approach him without anger and judgement in order to get to the bottom of what is really going on. If he has so much trouble with communicating that he feels the need to make up a serious lie- he needs encouragement and a judge-free forum to open up more. Alcoholics do lie- and it's all about shame. If he has had a relapse, it's possible he is still relapsing- that's something to consider. Have you noticed any signs of that? As I said, I'd be mad too, to make you worry about him in order to divert attention from an argument simply isn't cool. If he does have issues with talking things out, he will clam up further if he senses anger or judgement. However, he does need to know that lying isn't going to fly with you. You need to be able to trust each other. He needs to know he can say what he needs to say to you, no matter what- and you need to trust he isn't lying to you. I would be concerned about a relapse if I were you- which is why I'd approach this a little differently. You guys have to learn how to communicate more effectively to avoid this kind of situation in the future. A part of that may be your fighting style as a couple. What is it about the way you two argue that makes him feel the need to lie about a personal crisis in order to avoid the real issue? Lots of things to think about. I know lots of people will say a lie is a lie and it's unforgivable- and I would tend to agree in some cases, but I also think each situation is unique and nothing is as simple as that. To get to the bottom of what is going on, I personally, would suggest approaching the situation without judgement or anger in order to discover why he felt the need to go to such extremes to avoid discussing your argument. Ultimately, you have two possible situations here. He's either had a relapse, or he can't deal with conflict. To figure out what is going on- he needs to feel safe enough to tell you. I am not dismissing his lying- just suggesting you will never solve an argument if he feels cornered. You sound pretty compassionate about his alcoholism- I truly hope he isn't using that against you.
blind_otter Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 ahh he's full of **** yes, he is fully of ****. I agree with Alpha. Per the usual. Alcoholics backpeddal when they start drinking. That's when they give you 2, 3, 4, 7 different stories. The more you press them, the more they lie. Has he been in recovery for 2 years, or did he simply "stop drinking" 2 years ago? Because there is a huge difference. Anyways, you know what the saying is "When can you tell an alcoholic is lying? When they open their mouths." Feck dealing with alcoholism. Sucks the life out of you.
Author Vegas Baby Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 ugh this is tough i must say.....
alphamale Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 ugh this is tough i must say..... indeed VB, indeed
soulm8 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 OK... what made me finally realize I couldn't live like that any more... was reading the heartbreaking stories of spouses of alcoholics. I was about to register on a forum and that's what made me realize... I don't need this. Why the hell would you sign up for this? It's one thing to deal with it once you're married, but seriously... as a girlfriend? NEXT!!!!
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 ugh this is tough i must say..... Yes, but ending the relationship may be the best thing you can do for him. He may not have the coping skills to stay sober and be in a relationship.
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