Winky25 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I can't get over the past and it's affecting my relationship with my fiance. When I first meet him. He got out of a 7 years relationship and he was engaged for 1 year. We were just friends in the beginning but i like him alot. I introduce one of my friends to him (didn't introduce her to him on purpose) and he seems interested to get to know her. I got very jealous even though we were not dating back then because, I really like him. My friend didn't like him though. Four months after we hang out, we start dating exclusively and he was still talking to his ex fiance and he talks about it in front of me. I told him i didn't like him talking to her so he stop immeidately. Now we are together for 1 years and 4 months. He proposed to me on our 1st year anniversary. He is so good to me and he mean the world to me. He cares about me alot and take cares of me like a lady. My friends and family are all happy for me. The problem is i still find it very hard to believe he was interested in one my friend and how he didn't just like me PERIOD before we start exclusively dating. Everytime when i think about it I get really really angry and upset. Then we get into a huge argument. I yelled at him and I threathen to end the relationship. He told me he will love me no matter what but I have to stop doing this becuz, it's affecting him physically. He can't sleep well and have heavy breathing. I am 27 and he is 32....our wedding is going to be in May 28, 2011. Deep inside me I am still very insecure. Part of it is because what he was interested in one of my friend & interested in other girls but we were not dating back then anyways. Part of it might be my previous boyfriends cheated on me before". I am not sure if I should marry him because of all the doubts. This is driving me nuts...I am so scared that one day he will like another girl and leave me
imbetteroffalone Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Have you talked to him about how you feel??
Author Winky25 Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Yes I did talk to him about how I feel. I bring this up almost every single months. I am starting to get very tired of it. But I am not sure how to solved this cuz I can't get over the past. That he used to be interested in my friends...not ONLY interested in me!!!
phineas Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 when you were friends, did you tell him you were into him at all? Did you tell him you wanted to date? Who made the jump from friends to more than friend first? You or him?
Author Winky25 Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Hi I didn't tell him I want to date him. I was single and looking for quality guys to date. I even asked if he know anyone that is decent for me. Well, he said to me lets to go on dates with me and see if we have chemistry. So we went on a few hang out not sure if its dates....I see him 5 times a week for like 1 month... but then he go ahead and ask MY FRIEND to go and have dinner. SO WTF? Even now he is very good to me and honest.....I am still upset about the PAST. Sometimes I am upset to the point where I want to go and cheat on him...or at least go flirts around with guys to get him back. It's easy for me to go out and find a guy to play around with.
boogieboy Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 if you are so insecure, then you should poostpone the engagement. Do you see any behavior in him that makes you think he will lose attraction to you and cheat on you, or are you just paranoid? Has he started doing something to treat you different? If you stay stuck thinking he's too good for you, you might as well end your rlationship now, you will destroy it with this silly insecurity.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I can't get over the past and it's affecting my relationship with my fiance. I think the first thing you need to do is relax. Relax! The past is in the past. Next, begin to think about the type of future you want with your fiance. Go ahead! Create a dream! Begin smiling about the future now, because it's coming! Finally, begin to act into your future. Everyday. Your fiance will notice the change.
DustySaltus Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Postpone the engagement. Live in the present, not the past or it will drive you crazy. My ex-fiance thought I was cheating on her left and right. I NEVER did.....moved to her country and asked her to marry me and she said yes. Turns out she was paranoid and checking my emails, facebook and phone everyday of the week. I was so happy to be engaged. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman but her insecurities destroyed our relationship and scarred me permanently. Marriage will not fix these problems. If you are not sure about the person you want to marry DON'T DO IT! But understand that those same feelings you fear about being abandoned may now be triggered inside of him.
Author Winky25 Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 I know I can't get over it. I am very very scared and paranoid @_@. Even though, his love for me never changed. But he WAS once interested in my friends when he was interseted in me although, we were not Exclusively Dating.... And this friend of mine kept trashing talking about us...saying he is a cheater blah blah...he likes all the girls... Postpone the engagement. Live in the present, not the past or it will drive you crazy. My ex-fiance thought I was cheating on her left and right. I NEVER did.....moved to her country and asked her to marry me and she said yes. Turns out she was paranoid and checking my emails, facebook and phone everyday of the week. I was so happy to be engaged. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman but her insecurities destroyed our relationship and scarred me permanently. Marriage will not fix these problems. If you are not sure about the person you want to marry DON'T DO IT! But understand that those same feelings you fear about being abandoned may now be triggered inside of him.
Author Winky25 Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 He hasn't not treat me any different he has been very caring and loving. I am just paranoid that if in the future i introduce my pretty friends to him he will like her. if you are so insecure, then you should poostpone the engagement. Do you see any behavior in him that makes you think he will lose attraction to you and cheat on you, or are you just paranoid? Has he started doing something to treat you different? If you stay stuck thinking he's too good for you, you might as well end your rlationship now, you will destroy it with this silly insecurity.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 He hasn't not treat me any different he has been very caring and loving. I am just paranoid that if in the future i introduce my pretty friends to him he will like her. Hah. And you could say that I am paranoid that if I introduce my SO to my healthy friends, he may like them. Seriously! I'm insecure over losing my SO to someone who is healthier than I right now. it sucks. But it's silly. You just be yourself and let go of that fear. I believe the answer for us is to just be secure in who you are. He's going to do what he's going to do. Why not just love and support the relationship that is there right now, in front of us? It's vital to invest today what we want tomorrow.
make me believe Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Oh Winky, I don't have much advice but I can kind of relate. I met my boyfriend through a mutual female friend of ours. My bf and I had feelings for each other as soon as we met, but he once told me that when he first met this friend of ours (before he met me) he thought they'd be a good couple, but he never pursued it because she had a bf. So of course in my mind that meant that he was only with me because he couldn't have her, and if he could choose his ideal girl it would be her. I've driven myself absolutely CRAZY over this issue. I'm pretty much over it now because I know my boyfriend loves ME and doesn't have feelings for our friend anymore. When you first met your bf, he didn't really know you OR your friend. All he knew was what you both wanted him to see -- the fun, happy, shiny parts. But now he knows AND LOVES all of YOU. You said it bothers you that your bf showed no interest in you before you started dating. But you even said yourself that you didn't convey your interest in HIM until he suggested you go on a date -- you even asked him to set you up with other guys. So, really, your bf could be just as upset about that as you are about him liking your friend. Anyway, I think you definitely need to postpone the engagement until this issue is resolved. I really feel for you because I know how difficult it is & how insecure you're feeling. But you can't start arguments over it - your boyfriend has done nothing wrong & you are only going to push him away. He's done nothing but reassure you over & over again of his love for YOU, and you are choosing not to believe him. Instead, you're listening to the insecure girl inside of you who convinces you you're not good enough for him. But if you weren't good enough for him, if he didn't want YOU, he wouldn't have chosen you! I think you should consider seeing a counselor about this issue. The fact that it makes you think of cheating on him to get your version of revenge tells me that it's reached a really unhealthy level. You will regret it if you let your insecurities drive your bf away, so these problems really need to be fixed asap.
soulm8 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 The problem is i still find it very hard to believe he was interested in one my friend and how he didn't just like me PERIOD before we start exclusively dating. So, he was supposed to fall deeply in love with you as soon as he met you and know that you were "the one" because you hung out with him 5 days per week in the first month?? Everytime when i think about it I get really really angry and upset. Then we get into a huge argument. Deep inside me I am still very insecure. I bring this up almost every single month. I am starting to get very tired of it. Stop thinking about it then! As soon as you find yourself thinking this way... choose to think about something else, like how good he is to you and what you love about him. I recognized a similar pattern in myself when I was about 22 yrs old. I noticed how I would become overly sensitive, needy and get worked up over thinking about past issues. As soon as I associated this behaviour/insecurity with my monthly cycle... it made my life much easier. You might notice these arguements come up just before your period. If you're anything like I was, I was seeking validation and didn't even realize it. When you DECIDE to associate these negative feelings with PMS... it's much easier to stop yourself from acting out and "attacking" your fiance. Sometimes I am upset to the point where I want to go and cheat on him...or at least go flirts around with guys to get him back. It's easy for me to go out and find a guy to play around with. To get him back for what exactly? He hung out with you for a month, getting to know you before asking you to be exclusive. Big deal! He did absolutely nothing wrong. You on the other hand, liked him so much that you clung to him... spending 5 days per week with him??? Are you upset that you were having sex and then he took your friend out to dinner? Or were you waiting to be his girlfriend before you had sex?? Live in the present, not the past. Marriage will not fix these problems. If you are not sure about the person you want to marry DON'T DO IT! absolutely!
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