Author Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 This is what I totally love about guys...very few words, lot's of meaning...I could have written a book with those three words...lol I totally agree however I posted the list because I see over and over people on here saying "I know I should or shouldn't do this but what's the harm?". This list shows what harm these simple actions can cause. In our postbreakup emotional states sometimes we need to be beat over the head several times with the same advice until we have that eureka moment and finally get it.
Author Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. What I meant by this is that it takes an enormous amout of strength and courage to heal your selfesteem after someone breaks your heart and we should pat ourselves on the back every time we make positive progress towards recovery. What happened during the relationship and the reason for the breakup is completely irrelevant in this case.
USMCHokie Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 What I meant by this is that it takes an enormous amout of strength and courage to heal your selfesteem after someone breaks your heart and we should pat ourselves on the back every time we make positive progress towards recovery. What happened during the relationship and the reason for the breakup is completely irrelevant in this case. And what I meant in my response is that you can't always go blaming the dumper in the breakup, saying that they were "cowardly [and] quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat." I'll give you an extreme example to illustrate what I'm trying to say. Let's say dumpee is unemployed, a drug user, domestic abuser, etc. But if dumper finally pulled her head out of her ass and left him, does that make her cowardly and weak? She can't handle the heat? Dumpee must be the victim, hmmm? Dumpers always leave for a reason. Of course you are right in that they sometimes leave for bullsh*t reasons or due to cowardice and weakness. But oftentimes they leave for good reason. Just because they left doesn't make them the scum of the earth. What happened in the relationship and the reason(s) for the breakup are definitely not irrelevant. That is, if you want to make positive change in your life and progress towards recovery. What were the issues that compromised the relationship? Were any of the reasons for the breakup due to you? Each relationship is a learning experience, and you can't just stand up, brush your shoulders off, and move along. If you don't take a moment to figure out how you can improve to make the next relationship better, you'll be alone for a long time too... If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. Bottom line is that these couple sentences you wrote, while inspirational and often true, make the reader feel like it can never be his fault for a breakup. And having been on LS for a little while, it's a VERY common theme. People here often never look at themselves in the breakup...only at the dumper...and they wonder and wonder why dumper could have left them... And words like yours perpetuate that attitude here... Perfectly in sink? Life is not an opera. If you're that set on relationship perfection you will be alone for a long time. Your posts remind me of that character on Saturday Night Live, Debbie Downer. Fair enough. I should not have used the word "perfectly" in that sentence, as you are right, life isn't perfect. In by sync, I didn't mean in the context of the relationship itself, but the circumstances surrounding the relationship. (e.g., career paths, location, timing) And if my posts remind you of Debbie Downer (whose sketches were hilarious, by the way) then so be it. If people here are in need of their egos stroked and sunshine blown up their ass to make them feel better, so be it. And I admit, my posts are not always geared to make someone feel better. I only try to help by providing a perspective that some people are too sensitive or afraid to say themselves.
CaliGuy Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. I don't know that I agree with this entirely. Sometimes you're just not feeling it. If someone doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you, then you as the dumpee need to respect their decision. I don't think it's quitting at all. If the relationship isn't working for one person then the only choice they have is to end it. I think hanging on to something for far too long is why places like LS exist. We need to understand that when one person ends the relationship, it's over. One person a relationship does not make. So if someone dumps you, the best thing you can do is pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Let the past go and move on because you can't change it. And why on earth would a dumpee chase someone who doesn't want to be with them?? This doesn't make sense. The more time you waste on someone who doesn't want to be with you, the less time you have to be with the one who DOES want to be with you. Cheers.
9Lives Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I don't know that I agree with this entirely. Sometimes you're just not feeling it. If someone doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you, then you as the dumpee need to respect their decision. I don't think it's quitting at all. If the relationship isn't working for one person then the only choice they have is to end it. I think hanging on to something for far too long is why places like LS exist. We need to understand that when one person ends the relationship, it's over. One person a relationship does not make. So if someone dumps you, the best thing you can do is pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Let the past go and move on because you can't change it. And why on earth would a dumpee chase someone who doesn't want to be with them?? This doesn't make sense. The more time you waste on someone who doesn't want to be with you, the less time you have to be with the one who DOES want to be with you. Cheers. oh goodness!!! why are you so right!! I love you caliguy. Now I think Im going to go eat a gallon of ice cream!!!
abdellost Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 She broke up with me a month ago after 5 years. it was a fast break up, a text, and a min phone call of me crying to her. no cheating, no other person. just a lot of stress, a lot. and her mom not liking me after a small misunderstanding (2 years ago problem). and just a lot of small stuff that might made her snap.we usually had to sneak around to see each other for a little bit. we messaged, talked, wrote, held each other every day. she would go crazy if i dont write her i love u in every text message. she never let my hand go when we were together. but suddenly she ended it, something i never saw coming. she would rather die then leave me (her own words a week before the argument) and she really was sooo happy with me. never seen her that happy. People told me to give her time (been almost a month). she told me the day of the break up, theres no hope and i shouldnt try or anything. to just move on my life. just to go on and not to wait for hope, cuz theres none.... wow that killed me. what should i do? i atleast need closure and shes not giving it. i just need closure to at least move on. for me to feel like i can love and trust another girl. that this next girl would deserve me to love her and shower her with my feelings. i dont want to think day by day, that the next girl can just wake up,like my ex, and tell me she doesnt know if she loves me anymore ,that i meant everything to her and its over.i dont want to move on my life like that. its not fair to me or the next love ( if i do love again, trying to convince myself that i can fall in love agian) I was thinking to let a mutual friend drop off some stuff i gave her, v-day gifts and 5 years of anniversary gifts and letters (she gave it back to me when her mom found out and i had to keep them at my house). maybe it would remind her who loved her to death, maybe it would make her know that i need closure to go on. i need to get this over with. im tired wondering and begging for closure for myself Thanks
firefight Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Well of course, you are right... but that just makes too much sense... Trouble is, the heart doesn't make sense of these situations... The heart wants what it wants... All logic and rational intelligent thinking tends to fly out the window... when it comes to matters of the heart.. Stupid heart!!!
harmfulsweetz Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. That's a tad unfair. Not everyone wants to stay in a relationship that isn't working out. Sorry, but that's tough cookies, it's how it works. The sooner dumpees get this victim mentality out of the way, the sooner they can appreciate the relationship for what it was, and also see the downfalls, and their part in it. It's takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it. Chances are (not always), there's a good reason why you've been dumped. That's not to say it's any easier to take, but it makes it understandable. And relationships rarely end without signs IMO, if you think back over the last bit of the relationship, ask yourself were there signs? I bet there were. I'm not suggesting that at times people aren't cowardly, and run from relationships because the going got a little tough, but many times, the dumper doesn't want to be with you. And staying to fight for something you are uncertain you want to keep, is futile. Maybe it's cruel, but that person doesn't want you. And well that's that. It's no more courageous to stay in a relationship which isn't working out, than it is to leave it. Actually, I think the latter is more courageous. Because, well, it's tough hurting someone, and leaving things behind, trust me, I'm the dumper in my scenario, and I often think of the good times, and wonder if I made a mistake. Dumpers rarely pick up and leave and then totally forget about the R. It's just no one actually thinks to ask how they are coping, forgetting that they too, have lost a relationship, for whatever reason, and are mourning that loss. Sometimes you can't make it work, but we aren't evil, or villains. We are people who have feelings, and who, on the most part, do not wish harm or pain to come to anyone, especially not caused by us. A broken heart heals though. I broke up with him because we had recurrent problems, which we had broken up over in the past, and I felt I was too young for all of that rubbish. Sure, I thought we had a future together, but the more the problems arose, and it kept happening, the more I realized, I couldn't tolerate my life being that way. I had to make the choice. Stay with a man who I already know doesn't suit me, does things that deeply hurt me, (however unintentional) or find someone that does. Break ups are tough all round, but they're tougher when you can't accept your part in it, and always blame the other party. I admit, I did terrible things, and hurt him pretty bad, and I aim to change those aspects of myself, but we each have to learn from our mistakes to better ourselves, and move on.
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