Shindig Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 My boyfriend finishes every story about his ex by saying "but it doesn't matter because I'm with you now." It doesn't sit right with me and I'm not sure why. It might just be dragging up feelings about past relationships but there's something about the logic of the statement that unsettles me. Any hints? Ideas? Suggestions?
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 My boyfriend finishes every story about his ex by saying "but it doesn't matter because I'm with you now." It doesn't sit right with me and I'm not sure why. It might just be dragging up feelings about past relationships but there's something about the logic of the statement that unsettles me. Any hints? Ideas? Suggestions? Don't ask about or talk about his ex...
Author Shindig Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Ha! Good suggestion. I never do. He was alive for a while before we met so I assume he had experiences with other people including lovers as I also did. I don't think it's fair to ask him to forget about all of that, nor would I want him to.
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Ha! Good suggestion. I never do. He was alive for a while before we met so I assume he had experiences with other people including lovers as I also did. I don't think it's fair to ask him to forget about all of that, nor would I want him to. I'm not saying he should forget about them...just don't talk about them in front of you if it makes you uncomfortable...
paddington bear Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 It's probably because you don't want him speaking like you in that way, should you two become ex's. Also, as seen in other threads guys who often speak or their ex's, or speak badly about them are trying to over-compensate by pretending that they really don't like them, and often get back with them or are pining for them. He probably may feel a little guilty for babbling on about ex's too, hence he suddenly realises what he's doing and says 'doesn't matter anyway, I'm with you now'
Author Shindig Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 It's not so much that he talks about his ex's. I think PaddingtonBear is approaching the answer in that I don't want to end up like his ex's: not mattering to him. Also, that there's a tacit implication that but not for my presence, things might be different with him and his former. I'm sure he's not with any of his ex's because their relationships weren't working and not because he met me. It's semantic and largely a subconscious interpretation based on previous experience. It has been important to our relationship to be candid about previous relationships. I think he benefits a lot from knowing that my anxiety about certain things derives from other people treating me badly and isn't necessarily about him. Now to discuss it with him without making him too anxious...
threebyfate Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 There's nothing you can do if you break up. If he trashes every ex, in a bitter and angry way, expect it if you happen to break up in the future. Having a discussion with him about this, won't change the way he reacts post break up.
DustySaltus Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 How soon after he broke up with his ex did you get together? Was it a nasty breakup? My last breakup was horrible and i'm still angered by it sometimes...8 months later. It was probably because it was the only person I could ever say I was truly in love with. Maybe his feelings aren't completely gone...
Author Shindig Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 He doesn't trash her, per se. Actually, he talks about her very rarely with me. Yes, their break-up was very public and humiliating for him. Also, he wouldn't have dated her if he didn't care for her in some way. I'm sure he still thinks about it. I'm pretty sure that the bulk of my anxiety stems from previous relationship mishaps. My last serious boyfriend used to punctuate each rant about his ex with "but I have you now". What he really meant was "if you weren't here, I'd still be with her." My college sweetheart was in that same camp. I can't control my emotions because even though they're a little out of context with him, they're coming from real experiences. I can at least let him know why it bothers me and that it's not entirely about him.
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