seesaw Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Hi all new here. I have been looking around this site and thought I would post my situation. My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me last week. She claims she cannot see us together in the future. She said, she could not see me moving in... or marriage. Ok... I am fine with this... if this is what she feels... I know I can't make her want me or want those things. She had me come over last week... I made her dinner... and then she sat me down ... and drop the bomb. I left upset... wrote an email... latter when I got home.... and hoped for a responce. I got one... but it was vague. She stated we still needed to talk. I did not know what she meant by this... as she had already dumbed me. The other day.. I was on facebook... and she contacted me over the chat. She wanted to know if I wanted to chat... i did but kept it short... she told me she did not want to talk this way.. and did I want to meet for a coffee or come over..... I said I could come over ( I did this... so I could get it out of the way... and get my stuff) I forgot.. she sent me an email... saying happy valintines day... and how was my weekend? And how hard the past few days have been. Today... I went over to see what she wanted to say... I did not have much hope she had changed her mind... and I was right. It seemed she just wanted to relieve her guilt.. for hurting me. I sat there and let her talk... I was pleasant... I looked good... and we did joke around a little.. She confirmed she wanted to break up.... to this... I said... you had me come over... so you could tell me again? She responded... she just wanted to clear up a few things.. and that she thought it was more respectful to do it in person.. because we had been together for the year and a half... To move things on.. she had my stuff ready to go... she had packed most of it up for me.... I put it in my car.. and then came back in to say bye. She began to cry.... I had a moment of weakness.. and hugged her.. then it ended in a few kisses on the lips... which she did not resist.... she soaked my jacked with her tears.... she looked so sad.... She said... I cant believe... I'll never talked to you again... (I had told her prior... we break up... that is it.... you don't finish the love... and keep the friend) This upset her... but I did tell her... If we are done... I must move on... and I can't do that if we are friends.... I can't keep opening up that scab. We kissed.... and held her face in my hands... wiped away her tears.. looked into her eyes... and said.. "Bye" I then walked out the door without another word Now I am a mess.... I don't want to lose this lady.... she was pretty speacial to me.... I love her... and the way she has acted... confuses the hell out of me... What do I do?
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 What do I do? Stay true to your word...no contact...of course she will be emotional because of the breakup, but that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. DO NOT let her tears make you do dumb things like try to be her friend or "check in" on her to make sure she's ok. I'm sure she's a big girl and can take care of herself. She made the decision to leave, so she's going to have to live with it. The best thing for you to do is stay away from her and live your own life. You said you "didn't want to lose this lady"...but sorry to break it to you, but you already lost her...the moment she decided to leave...don't let her tears confuse you...if she truly loved you, she would never have broken up with you... No contact...move on...it will hurt at first...probably a lot, but rest assured that it does get better and you will become a much better person for it...you can ask the countless people on LS...we've all lived it...and made it out just fine...
Author seesaw Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Stay true to your word...no contact...of course she will be emotional because of the breakup, but that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. DO NOT let her tears make you do dumb things like try to be her friend or "check in" on her to make sure she's ok. I'm sure she's a big girl and can take care of herself. She made the decision to leave, so she's going to have to live with it. The best thing for you to do is stay away from her and live your own life. You said you "didn't want to lose this lady"...but sorry to break it to you, but you already lost her...the moment she decided to leave...don't let her tears confuse you...if she truly loved you, she would never have broken up with you... No contact...move on...it will hurt at first...probably a lot, but rest assured that it does get better and you will become a much better person for it...you can ask the countless people on LS...we've all lived it...and made it out just fine... Thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying... I have read about NC... Is there now way I can get her back?
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying... I have read about NC... Is there now way I can get her back? There is no way you can get her back...if she ever wants to come back, it has to be her own decision to come back to you...of course being the dumpee, you feel like you have to do everything you can do persuade her to come back...but it doesn't work like that... The best thing you can do is live your own life and let her live her's...give her the chance to see what her life is like without you...at the same time, give yourself the chance to see what else life has to offer...
sean1970 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Is there now way I can get her back? Not by anything that you would 'do' ... rather... what you dont do. But it cannot be your focus. You need to be resolute about working on you.
Author seesaw Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 There is no way you can get her back...if she ever wants to come back, it has to be her own decision to come back to you...of course being the dumpee, you feel like you have to do everything you can do persuade her to come back...but it doesn't work like that... The best thing you can do is live your own life and let her live her's...give her the chance to see what her life is like without you...at the same time, give yourself the chance to see what else life has to offer... Thanks again for the reply. I get what you are saying... I guess doing it is the hard part... this is sooo freshhh:confused:
Author seesaw Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Not by anything that you would 'do' ... rather... what you dont do. But it cannot be your focus. You need to be resolute about working on you. Thanks sean for your reply. What do you mean... what I don't do? You'll have to forgive me... but the head is a litle foggy right now..
sean1970 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) Thanks sean for your reply. What do you mean... what I don't do? You'll have to forgive me... but the head is a litle foggy right now.. The dumped intensely believe that they need to 'do' something with/for their ex to win them back. Profess love, send gifts, yada yada... All futile bullshlt. No one was ever... ever... talked back into loving someone. Were it possible, there would be but one thread on LS... probably written by CaliGuy ...few suggestions from GrayClouds... dissent from McGrupp... detailing how it is done. People want what they feel they cannot have. When the dumped is in their grill all the time, there is no way to miss them. The result is them looking more like a needy pity case than a legitimate mate. Second... It is disingenuous, IMHO, when I read here, "The breakup came totally out of the blue." Horseshlt... It didnt... While I dont know what your case is, we have to realize and accept what our role was in the demise of the relationship. However, if we are going to change, it has to be that we see those changes making us happy regardless of who we are with (or alone for that matter). Hit the gym, buy new clothes, cut down on porn (seems unhealthy to cut it out entirely)... whatever, just get re-involved with your life and happiness. In the end, and this will sting, it is not likely that you will get back together. You would be defying notable odds were it to happen. In my opinion, LS is primarily to help people realize this, cope, and become healthy enough to move on. Hang in there man... It does get better. Edited February 17, 2010 by sean1970
9Lives Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 There is no way you can get her back...if she ever wants to come back, it has to be her own decision to come back to you...of course being the dumpee, you feel like you have to do everything you can do persuade her to come back...but it doesn't work like that... The best thing you can do is live your own life and let her live her's...give her the chance to see what her life is like without you...at the same time, give yourself the chance to see what else life has to offer... This is very good advice. I should have listened but I didnt...and you probably wont either. I made things worst and we probably will never get back together. The best thing to do is live your own life. When you think about her...switch it, and think about yourself instead. The hard you try...the worst it can get. She just feels bad but she broke it off. Dont let her make this a revolving door. Why did she break up with you?
9Lives Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 this is very hard to do but really the best thing to do is let go COMPLETELY. You will prolong the pain if you try to fix it or make it better. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Live for you now. Its a adjustment but you had a life before she came along and if you can meet one great girl...you can do it again. Dont be afraid to try again. What you had..IT IS OVER. This aint high school. When it ends..it ends. That is the best way to look at it. I suffered a long time trying to make it work.. Not worth it. Move on
Author seesaw Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 I understand what you are all saying... anf thank you. I know I can't change the way she feels.. and know there is know way to "get her back" unless she wants it. I have been dumped before.. and gotten over it.... not my fear. Its just how this break up is happining? Her amount of tears... and her contacting me..... prior. I'm just trying to get my head straight. She dumped me... and seemed more upset about it than I was... I did not shed a tear in front of her... I took it on the chin and said bye. Damn... I'm confused!
9Lives Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I understand what you are all saying... anf thank you. I know I can't change the way she feels.. and know there is know way to "get her back" unless she wants it. I have been dumped before.. and gotten over it.... not my fear. Its just how this break up is happining? Her amount of tears... and her contacting me..... prior. I'm just trying to get my head straight. She dumped me... and seemed more upset about it than I was... I did not shed a tear in front of her... I took it on the chin and said bye. Damn... I'm confused! Stop thinking about it....let her be miserable. She broke up with you. You didnt push her out the door. Dont be confused...get unconfused....she said it is over.....IT IS OVER. Let her come after you and dont be easily caught or she will do it again. If you think you are hurt and confused, if she strings you along....worst!!
Author seesaw Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Stop thinking about it....let her be miserable. She broke up with you. You didnt push her out the door. Dont be confused...get unconfused....she said it is over.....IT IS OVER. Let her come after you and dont be easily caught or she will do it again. If you think you are hurt and confused, if she strings you along....worst!! Thanks for your words. I know what you say is right. Its just that this is so fresh.. like (today) that I am messed up. I know in time it will get better... and I know its her loss for dumping me. I know this... but Im having a hard time believing it right now.... I hate complaining.... and hate being like this.... a mess. I still can't believe this has happened. I know she was upset with me for some things I have done... I owned up to them.. apologised to her before we even broke up. I did not realize what I had done... was upsetting her that much... and I told her this before... I guess to late. I don't idolize her.. but she was truly amazing... and I can't believe this has happened. I don't blame myself for all of this.... she could have told me we were in trouble.. but.. hey is that not the norm... we never find out until its to late. Damn I feel stupit.
9Lives Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Thanks for your words. I know what you say is right. Its just that this is so fresh.. like (today) that I am messed up. I know in time it will get better... and I know its her loss for dumping me. I know this... but Im having a hard time believing it right now.... I hate complaining.... and hate being like this.... a mess. I still can't believe this has happened. I know she was upset with me for some things I have done... I owned up to them.. apologised to her before we even broke up. I did not realize what I had done... was upsetting her that much... and I told her this before... I guess to late. I don't idolize her.. but she was truly amazing... and I can't believe this has happened. I don't blame myself for all of this.... she could have told me we were in trouble.. but.. hey is that not the norm... we never find out until its to late. Damn I feel stupit. Please dont feel stupid. I lost a man I was so inlove with but i made some mistakes and maybe could have handled things differently. It was tough to let go so give yourself some credit...breaking up suck and feels horrible. You cant expect to feel good. that is not the way it really is. BUT....your responsibility now is......go over her as quick as you can to stop the pain inside. Im here to tell you...i delayed because i didnt want to let go. It takes work and dedication to get over someone for real. Focus on you. It sounds so stupid to say...but truly...the best thing to do is get your life back on track for you. We all have did it and you will be encouraging someone else one day too.
LostInLimbo Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Each Day gets better and Better, SeeSaw, Breaking NC can most times be hurtful to the person who is breaking NC, in order to try and change one's mind, or even think they have a chance (they may) its just a risk you take.. Breaking NC generally Always puts the person (dumpee) back to step one, only for them to have to go through it all over again,,you had some great advice here, she left, don't let the tears fool you, not saying there fake, but she would have stayed if she wanted to be with you, unless she is a HUGE attention seeker and likes to be chased (alot don't), I bring up that part because I was with someone who left several times, only to come back, sweet as pie, but my error, I fell for it and broke NC. Im into the 4th time her up and leaving me, no more breaking NC for me anyways, been bout 4-5 weeks haven't broken it in about 3, my guess anyways.. Take Care of yourself, come here to post or even to read, it really helped me, I was just foolish for letting this VooDoo woman in my life all the time.... LiL
Author seesaw Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Each Day gets better and Better, SeeSaw, Breaking NC can most times be hurtful to the person who is breaking NC, in order to try and change one's mind, or even think they have a chance (they may) its just a risk you take.. Breaking NC generally Always puts the person (dumpee) back to step one, only for them to have to go through it all over again,,you had some great advice here, she left, don't let the tears fool you, not saying there fake, but she would have stayed if she wanted to be with you, unless she is a HUGE attention seeker and likes to be chased (alot don't), I bring up that part because I was with someone who left several times, only to come back, sweet as pie, but my error, I fell for it and broke NC. Im into the 4th time her up and leaving me, no more breaking NC for me anyways, been bout 4-5 weeks haven't broken it in about 3, my guess anyways.. Take Care of yourself, come here to post or even to read, it really helped me, I was just foolish for letting this VooDoo woman in my life all the time.... LiL Thanks LiL... I guess each knock up side the head helps to wake me out of the fog. Well got through last night... drank a little to much... but was smart... and stayed home... talked to a couple of close friends on the phone... managed to get some sleep.... (maybe 4) I tired today... and doing my very best... to not show what I am going through... its hard. I know my story is not new on here.. or original.... but its my story... and its my pain... Reading the other posts does help.... but a lot of it is very negative. Just want to get through this day... and get home.
Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 seesaw you sound like an extremely smart together person and I wish I had half the brains you did when I went through my breakup. It sounds to me like she's being very selfish and wants you to chase her to give her an ego boost. Just knowing that I can tell you that you have lost her. If she begged you and you came back I can tell you right now she will repeat this behavior every time she feels unsure or threatened. I know it feels absolutely horrible and is very confusing but I'm telling you she is not considering your feelings at all. She is making this all about herself and her very shallow needs. Stay strong and let her go. It's the only way you have a chance at future happiness.
Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Stop thinking about it....let her be miserable. She broke up with you. You didnt push her out the door. Dont be confused...get unconfused....she said it is over.....IT IS OVER. Let her come after you and dont be easily caught or she will do it again. If you think you are hurt and confused, if she strings you along....worst!! I agree with this. Whatever happens after the words IT IS OVER is completely irrelevant to your life now.
sean1970 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Just knowing that I can tell you that you have lost her. My perspective, and one you will adopt, "She lost you..."
Author seesaw Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Thanks for the replies... I do hear you... Well... doing my best trying to to think about her today.. I am parked near my work in my car.. and low and behold... she drives by... she was going to the gym I guess. It would be right by were I work... She would not have know I was there... and I had no idea she was going there... I normally don't work out of that building. Wrong place wrong time. As she drives by...she slowed... I guess to see if it was me.. I looked up.. saw her.. she smiled and gave me a wave. I automatically waved back.. once she was out of site... I drove off... damn! That messed me up.
9Lives Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks for the replies... I do hear you... Well... doing my best trying to to think about her today.. I am parked near my work in my car.. and low and behold... she drives by... she was going to the gym I guess. It would be right by were I work... She would not have know I was there... and I had no idea she was going there... I normally don't work out of that building. Wrong place wrong time. As she drives by...she slowed... I guess to see if it was me.. I looked up.. saw her.. she smiled and gave me a wave. I automatically waved back.. once she was out of site... I drove off... damn! That messed me up. Yeah, life starts to play games on you like that. My ex name is Kevin and two days later...i meet a kevin. All kinds of stuff like that keep happening. I was like wow.
Author seesaw Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Yeah, life starts to play games on you like that. My ex name is Kevin and two days later...i meet a kevin. All kinds of stuff like that keep happening. I was like wow. I hope I don't have to go through that to much. Well another crappy night... wallowing in my own misery... climbing the walls. Terrible sleep... I feel like a zomby right now. At least today.. I won't bump into her by accident. I'm out of town for the day. I keep thinking this is all because she is under so much stress right now... she is going through a very long and messy divorce. I keep thinking she can't handle me... and at the same time think about a relationship? It was good before.. but the past few months... it has just gotten nasty with her proceedings.. Its like she can't look forward to a future... because her past is dragging her down... I don't know... the mind is just clutching at straws. Its only been a couple of days... but Im going nuts... and miss hearing her voice. Sounds pathetic... but its true. Blah!
iheartboobs Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Did she break up with you because she could not see herself marrying you, or because she could not see you wanting to get married? Because if the only reason she left is because she didn't think you'd want to marry her, and you love her, why don't you discuss an engagement. It's really no different than dating, but it'll show her you're committed.
Author seesaw Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Did she break up with you because she could not see herself marrying you, or because she could not see you wanting to get married? Because if the only reason she left is because she didn't think you'd want to marry her, and you love her, why don't you discuss an engagement. It's really no different than dating, but it'll show her you're committed. She is seperated...but her ex is fighting her at ever level. Submission after counter submission...on and on. She just can't seem to focus on anything else right now it seems? Its been going on for two years. He cheated on her.. she kicked him out... but it was over before that... She confided much to me... I know things that only a very few know.... she trusted me... and often sought my counsel.. as I have been through my own divorce that also lasted approx 3 years. That was finally final back in 08. I was always the first person she called for what ever reason... good or bad.
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