2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I cannot trust him to tell me the truth. then you have nothing to work with here and you know it. when there's nothing to hide - people hide nothing. he obviously has things he doesn't want to be honest about. accept that... move on or just put up with knowing that dishonesty is what you will always get from him.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 He is otherwise an exceptionally good person, and the relationship is very healthy in every other way. It's only this one particular issue that causes him to behave like that, and if this issue can be resolved and disposed of, I get to have him back the way he was before. Infidelity really brings out the worse in people. these are words that only justify his bad behavior - and it will only allow him to continue what works for him - to lie and have you put up with it. is that enough for you?
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I follow you. But at the same time I think that an individual can cheat and then change... I don't believe that 'once a cheater always a cheater,' is always the case. My guess would be, the trust will be restored with everything on the table and nothing fishy on his part for a certain duration of time... how long that is would be up to the OP. That was put very nicely ... thank you
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 these are words that only justify his bad behavior - and it will only allow him to continue what works for him - to lie and have you put up with it. is that enough for you? Yes his behavior about the infidelity is bad, but you have no idea how good of a person he is otherwise. He can't hide from the keylogger, and he doesn't even know what one is. He has no clue. His best is more than enough for me, I just have to get him back on the straight and narrow. I would hope if I effed up our relationship, he would give me a second chance to make amends. And so far, he has done that.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Lke I said Brandy, you let him dig a hole so deep, where the lies are so evident, he'll have no choice but to break. He's doing it to himself. Without trust you dont have a relatonship. Begin a 180 and let him deal with the issues he has.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Yes his behavior about the infidelity is bad, but you have no idea how good of a person he is otherwise. He can't hide from the keylogger, and he doesn't even know what one is. He has no clue. His best is more than enough for me, I just have to get him back on the straight and narrow. I would hope if I effed up our relationship, he would give me a second chance to make amends. And so far, he has done that. amends are action based not words. to rebuild trust he needs to show and prove he is trustworthy... does changing his password without telling you show you that? also when he is telling you that YOU are crazy and insane - how is that mending the relationship... how is it repairing things?
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 You are in a really good position right now, which could prove to be good for BOTH of you. If he has no inappropriate cell activity over the next several months or so...then he will regain more of your trust...which will certainly contribute to marital repair. So, this is an opportunity for him to shine...and for you to see him shine. This is a good point. I haven't always looked as the keylogger as a totally negative thing, it's also a positive one because it has (so far) absolutely proved his 'innocence'. I have slept better since I started using it, I'm not all stressed out wondering and worrying. I probably would have left him shortly after D-day if I hadn't installed the keylogger because I never would have been able to trust him. At least now our relationship has a shot at getting fixed, instead of being thrown away.
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 amends are action based not words. to rebuild trust he needs to show and prove he is trustworthy... does changing his password without telling you show you that? also when he is telling you that YOU are crazy and insane - how is that mending the relationship... how is it repairing things? 2sunny, I haven't given him an opportunity to explain that yet. Like another poster on here said, maybe it's just his way of seeing how often I check his phone records. If and when I do decide to ask him about it, he may say "Oh hey, I forgot to give you the new one, sorry," and then give it to me on the spot. I wouldn't hold that against him, would you? And it's only the infidelity issue that makes him go bezerk, like I've already said multiple times, he is otherwise an exceptionally kind, nice person, someone I do not want to give up unless I'm absolutely forced to. This kind of healing process is something people either totally get, or don't get at all. There doesn't seem to be much gray area in between.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 2sunny, I haven't given him an opportunity to explain that yet. Like another poster on here said, maybe it's just his way of seeing how often I check his phone records. If and when I do decide to ask him about it, he may say "Oh hey, I forgot to give you the new one, sorry," and then give it to me on the spot. I wouldn't hold that against him, would you? And it's only the infidelity issue that makes him go bezerk, like I've already said multiple times, he is otherwise an exceptionally kind, nice person, someone I do not want to give up unless I'm absolutely forced to. This kind of healing process is something people either totally get, or don't get at all. There doesn't seem to be much gray area in between. then simply ask him. see what his reaction is - including his body language and what that tells you. by keeping it from him - that is being dishonest as well. if he happens to get mad, nervous or defensive though - that in itself is a VERY bad sign for you.
JaneInVegas Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I don't want to catch him in a lie, I want him to keep from straying in the first place. I think a lot of people overlooked that in your original post, and are just waiting with baited breath for someone to screw up again and get busted for it. How confidant are you that he hasn't purchased a disposable phone? ... or using someone else's computer to email her? I think maybe I would say something about it and test for a reaction. Maybe you're right, if he knows that you know the password, it would make him think twice before doing something stupid. No need to disclose the keylogger, I would save that trump card for a rainy day. Good luck to you! HUGS
dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Keep the bloody keylogger, it gives you a chance to rest easy and see who your husband is becoming when he thinks no one else is looking.
MizFit Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 2sunny, I haven't given him an opportunity to explain that yet. Like another poster on here said, maybe it's just his way of seeing how often I check his phone records. If and when I do decide to ask him about it, he may say "Oh hey, I forgot to give you the new one, sorry," and then give it to me on the spot. I wouldn't hold that against him, would you? And it's only the infidelity issue that makes him go bezerk, like I've already said multiple times, he is otherwise an exceptionally kind, nice person, someone I do not want to give up unless I'm absolutely forced to. This kind of healing process is something people either totally get, or don't get at all. There doesn't seem to be much gray area in between. Only the infidelity issue...you mean the lying and the clandestine meetings and arranging said meetings behind your back and taking your time and giving it to a stranger and inviting a third person into your life and still lying to you now? Wow...he's a very lucky man to have you there. I would guess my MMs W is much like you...even after 2 ddays when she realized he's been lying to her and telling me the truth she took him back. Just to let you know I think she has a keylogger and a voice recorder in his home office, but after DDay 2 he was in contact in 2 weeks and he's trying to arrange a way we can meet face to face. I'm not trying to scare you, but you have this notion YOU can keep him on the straight and narrow...you can't. You can herd him there like a sheep going down a road, but if he wants to run and he's given the chance, he'll be off like a shot. This is about what he will do, not what you want him to do. My ex was a wonderful man and I adored him...he did all the things to me that your H is doing to you. I kicked him into touch...I couldn't trust him...his OW did and they're still married and by all accounts happily. For whatever reasons he wasn't going to stay faithful to me and I wasn't going to be his doormat. That didn't mean he was a bad guy and wouldn't treat someone else well, but to me the cards had been dealt. With all my heart I hope I'm wrong...I hope you don't keep the keylogger from him because if I were him and I found out about it months down the line I'd be saying goodbye to you. If he's sincerely trying and finds out you knew about a password change, but were holding off asking...and about a keylogger I'd be gone. I can understand your need to have them...that's why I couldn't stay where I couldn't trust. Good luck to you both...just don't allow yourself to become his jailer...you deserve more than that.
MadMission Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Brandy,I wouldn't necessarily feel relieved or happy IF the reason your WH changed that pw was to see how frequently you checked his phone records. It's not consistant with his agreement to be honest and transparent. Instead of just asking you, he chose to be sneaky about it in a way which is calculating and manipulative. He set a trap for you...to find out what he needs to know. He still has a hidden selfish agenda and is keeping secrets from you. Nothing comforting in that. And, if you decide to tell him you discovered he changed the pw and he says "oh sorry I forgot to tell you the new pw." and gives it to you instantly, that would not make me feel any better. He KNOWS that tampering with the pw on his cell phone records is a BIG NO NO!...that it would upset you, worry you, and risks shattering any trust which may have been re-established thus far after d-day. He KNOWS this. So, if he was kind and nice, he would have immediately told you that he changed it and why...if the reason was innocent. I still think you shouldn't say anything to him. IF he is up to something, he will just go further underground with it. And, like someone else suggested, he will pick up a $20 go-phone which has NO paper trail. The keylogger is a great tool, however, it is NO guarantee of anything. I know of a man who never used his home PC nor his cell phone to facilitate his LTA. He used his secret go-phone and work computer. I wish you all the best and hope for the best outcome possible given his sneaky, suspicous behavior.
StoptheDrama Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Brandy - The fact that he has changed his password without informing you is concerning. If you read over in the OW/OM forum, it is quite common for MM to resume or try to resume the A post D-day when they feel they are again "safe". With any luck, your guy is not doing anything; however, right now you have an edge. Don't tell him you know, give him a chance to come clean on his own and, whether it's for the better or worse, you will know the truth. Ultimately, that is what you need the most.
Author Brandy228 Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Today we were chatting about nothing in particular, and he mentioned his cell phone bill. With complete grace I said, "Oh hey that reminds me, I can't read your handwriting for your password. I can't tell if it's an R or a K" He chuckled and then told me an 'amusing' story about how he couldn't read his boss's handwriting the other day. Undaunted, I let the moment pass. Keep in mind, I am wanting to keep all of this light and easy, no fights, no complications. About an hour later while he was fixing dinner I took him the piece of paper that he wrote his password on. I showed it to him and asked, "So is that a K or an R? I tried both, neither of them worked" (his password isn't a word, it's a bunch of random letters). He said, "That's not the password, I changed it awhile back." He grabbed a pen and very carefully wrote down the password that already knew. I can't tell you how relieved I was watching him write down his new one for me. No fights, no problems.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I can't tell you how relieved I was watching him write down his new one for me. No fights, no problems. I am glad to read that it all worked out well for you so far. I could see how he could potentially feel horrible for what he did and how it made you feel, and it's even possible he may never ever cheat again. The question I have for you is on another level. Once you are secure in your mind (however long that may be), are you going to tell him all the lengths you went to and how much you snooped so that you could restore your faith in him? I believe I already know the answer... I am just wondering what your thoughts are.
Author Brandy228 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 The question I have for you is on another level. Once you are secure in your mind (however long that may be)' date=' are you going to tell him all the lengths you went to and how much you snooped so that you could restore your faith in him? I believe I already know the answer... I am just wondering what your thoughts are.[/quote'] I'm somewhat on the fence with this one, mainly because he is kind of a privacy fanatic. Then again, maybe that was just because of all the junk that went down awhile back. I honestly want to come clean with him eventually, I just don't know how long that will take. Obviously the relationship will need to be stabilized first, and who knows how long that will take.
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