Brandy228 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I've had a keylogger on my SO's computer for awhile now. After D-day he gave me the password to all his email accounts, and also to his cell phone account. He hasn't called her, and I know he hasn't emailed her, either. Night before last he changed the password to his online cell phone bill, and for a few minutes I actually thought I was going to have a panic attack. I couldn't say anything to him about it, because I'm not ready to tell him about the keylogger, it's just too soon. Making him give me the new password (which I had 2 hours after he changed it, thanks to the keylogger) is really just symbolic. I don't want him to think I'm trying to put too much pressure on him, I want things as light and easy as possible. Things have been going pretty well lately, and I don't want to break that momentum. I guess I want him to know that I have the password with his own free will because that would help him to keep on the straight and narrow. I don't want to catch him in a lie, I want him to keep from straying in the first place. So what would you do? Just act like you didn't know the password was changed ... or nicely confront and say "Hey, your password isn't working anymore?"
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Dont let him know nothing, he'll hang himself and you'll get the proof you need.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 He can't be too sharp if he thinks changing his cell phone account password will keep you from seeing anything. From his point of view, you can always check it after it comes out that you knew it was changed. I am guessing he is trying to see how often you check it. ie, if you check the cell phone account regularly, you would tell him that you cannot get into it once he changes it...
imagine Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I agree with Chrome on this one. He should have given you the new password when he changed it. Why did he change it? Mark him until you find something unsafe on line. Let him think that you have uncovered his activities through a mutual friend. Tell him that "you know" and NEVER reveal your source.
hopeless4u Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I've had a keylogger on my SO's computer for awhile now. After D-day he gave me the password to all his email accounts, and also to his cell phone account. He hasn't called her, and I know he hasn't emailed her, either. Night before last he changed the password to his online cell phone bill, and for a few minutes I actually thought I was going to have a panic attack. I couldn't say anything to him about it, because I'm not ready to tell him about the keylogger, it's just too soon. Making him give me the new password (which I had 2 hours after he changed it, thanks to the keylogger) is really just symbolic. I don't want him to think I'm trying to put too much pressure on him, I want things as light and easy as possible. Things have been going pretty well lately, and I don't want to break that momentum. I guess I want him to know that I have the password with his own free will because that would help him to keep on the straight and narrow. I don't want to catch him in a lie, I want him to keep from straying in the first place. So what would you do? Just act like you didn't know the password was changed ... or nicely confront and say "Hey, your password isn't working anymore?" How about being honest with him, after all isn't that what you expect from him.....just a thought:confused:
MARINE_ONE Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I don't understand any of what u are doing. This is the exact reason I will never get back with my stbxw. If you can't trust them, then leave!!! This is no way for u to have to live. Do u really want to monitor everything your lover does for the rest of your life? Move on. Find someone u luv and trust.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I don't understand any of what u are doing. This is the exact reason I will never get back with my stbxw. If you can't trust them, then leave!!! This is no way for u to have to live. Do u really want to monitor everything your lover does for the rest of your life? Move on. Find someone u luv and trust. I follow you. But at the same time I think that an individual can cheat and then change... I don't believe that 'once a cheater always a cheater,' is always the case. My guess would be, the trust will be restored with everything on the table and nothing fishy on his part for a certain duration of time... how long that is would be up to the OP.
MizFit Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I follow you. But at the same time I think that an individual can cheat and then change... I don't believe that 'once a cheater always a cheater,' is always the case. My guess would be, the trust will be restored with everything on the table and nothing fishy on his part for a certain duration of time... how long that is would be up to the OP. I have to agree with Marine One...years ago when I was a BS I left the marriage immediately. I couldn't trust him...I couldn't see myself becoming a jailor. I had a 3 year old and I knew I didn't have the energy making sure they were both within their boundaries. Now that it's years later I can honestly say I regret some of the things I did to make my marriage vulnerable to an A, but I don't regret the decision to leave him. Hopeless...I was thinking that same thing. Why not be honest? I will also answer that...because you can't be. So the thing you are trying to get is the thing you sacrifice...it's a vicious and cruel cycle. I think this is probably the absolute best description and discussion of why I couldn't try and make it work after the A. My mother did...I couldn't.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Why is everyone on these boards so quick to move on... Why trade one set of problems and issues for another? Trust can be rebuilt...
atlnay Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Why is everyone on these boards so quick to move on... Why trade one set of problems and issues for another? Trust can be rebuilt... I don't think people here are so quick to move on as much as you read soooooooooooo many similar stories, most don't end well, so the group as a whole has a "let's cut to the chase" mentality and either A) be honest or B) move on. I tend to not want to be judge jury & jailor in my Rs so I'm in the deal with it & learn to live with the issue or just move on already camp too
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Tell him you went to check his cell phone record and the password isn't working. He got busted cheating so he'll have to expect that you are checking these things. I wouldn't mention that you know he changed it.
2sunny Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I don't want to catch him in a lie, I want him to keep from straying in the first place. it's impossible to control what he may or may not do. what YOU do with what you know is for YOU to decide. set the boundary - stick to it, whatever that may look like for you.
MizFit Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Why is everyone on these boards so quick to move on... Why trade one set of problems and issues for another? Trust can be rebuilt... I can't speak for others...only myself. I moved on because I saw my mother suffer years of deceit from my father...I watched her desire to rebuild trust be thrown back into her face. I moved on because the problems I was leaving...a husband who felt it was easier to find another enabler rather than deal with an addiction problem to save his family...were much more complex and soul destroying than those I was going to...being a single mother of a 3 year old and learning to live on my own again and learning how to trust someone again. It was very sad because he was the love of my life...but if even 20 years later I still have no regrets...then I may have been quick to move on, but I wasn't too quick to move on.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 So what would you do? Just act like you didn't know the password was changed ... or nicely confront and say "Hey, your password isn't working anymore?" Hmmm, I would act like I didn't know that it has been changed and just keep logging in to check the statements and print them out. Use this to your advantage. Cheaters try to cover their tracks and slip up when they think they have you snowed. But you have to act like nothing is wrong while you are getting this evidence if indeed it is incriminating.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Why is everyone on these boards so quick to move on... Why trade one set of problems and issues for another? Because when you STAY with one set of problems, you are guaranteeing you have to deal with the problems. Whereas there is a good chance you won't have those problems with someone else, and there are good people out there. Will never find them unless you get rid of the worthless pieces of s##t that are a guaranteed problem.
MizFit Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Hmmm, I would act like I didn't know that it has been changed and just keep logging in to check the statements and print them out. Use this to your advantage. Cheaters try to cover their tracks and slip up when they think they have you snowed. But you have to act like nothing is wrong while you are getting this evidence if indeed it is incriminating. I'd rather be alone than live my life having to do that to someone I supposedly love.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I'd rather be alone than live my life having to do that to someone I supposedly love. I completely agree. But she made the decision to stay. So if she is going to ever make a move, she should at least catch him cold.
MizFit Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I completely agree. But she made the decision to stay. So if she is going to ever make a move, she should at least catch him cold. Valid point...
MadMission Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Brandy, Your WH ACTIVELY changed his PASSWORD for a REASON. At this point, it is unclear as to what his reason is. By closely monitoring his cell phone activity, you will be able to either eliminate or confirm your suspicions. Either way, you will learn more truth about him. ALL TRUTH is GOOD...no matter how 'good' or 'bad' it is. It is a necessary part of defining the REALITY of your WH and M. Once you acurately define the reality of your WH and M, you can make educated, informed decisions about what to do next. You will know if you currently have a faithful spouse or not. It is unfortunate that you have to resort to stealth keylogger usage to get to the TRUTH, but you cannot rely on your WH to willingly provide the truth. So, really, at this point, if you want the truth, you are going to have to get it yourself. I don't think you should say anything about knowing he changed that password. If he is up to something inappropriate, all he will do is go further 'underground' with it by getting a secret 2nd phone...a go-phone...which has no paper trail at all. Then you will be completely out of the loop...and in the dark, once again. You are in a really good position right now, which could prove to be good for BOTH of you. If he has no inappropriate cell activity over the next several months or so...then he will regain more of your trust...which will certainly contribute to marital repair. So, this is an opportunity for him to shine...and for you to see him shine. Be prepared for either outcome, though. Don't tell...keep monitoring...give yourself the gift of TRUTH.
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I am guessing he is trying to see how often you check it. That's what I'm thinking, too. From all the responses I've received so far, I'm surprised you're the only one that mentioned that. What a big variety of responses I've received! Thanks to everyone for your input!
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 How about being honest with him, after all isn't that what you expect from him.....just a thought:confused: Um, because then I would just throes of Grimm's Fairy Tales, and accusations of how INSANE I am. Even when confronted with hard evidence, lots of liars (including him) just continue to LIE LIE LIE.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Um, because then I would just throes of Grimm's Fairy Tales, and accusations of how INSANE I am. Even when confronted with hard evidence, lots of liars (including him) just continue to LIE LIE LIE. this right here tells you exactly what you need to do. if he lies - how can you possibly have trust? the amount of energy expended on catching the liar is ridiculous - only to be accused of being crazy? why would anyone want that for a relationship. it's like pretending and convincing yourself it's still ok to pretend. if a relationship is built in pretenses - it's not really a relationship at all.
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I don't understand any of what u are doing. This is the exact reason I will never get back with my stbxw. If you can't trust them, then leave!!! This is no way for u to have to live. Do u really want to monitor everything your lover does for the rest of your life? Move on. Find someone u luv and trust. Outside of this major character flaw of his, he is an exceptionally good person, and treats me very well. Everyone has multi-levels of character, personality, flaws, etc. I don't want to leave him, I want to stay as long as I know our relationship can be fixed. I cannot trust him to tell me the truth. This is a temporary fix until I can determine whether he is going to get his act together or not. I don't know how long that will be, but the past few weeks have been very good. I know some people don't get why others snoop and do deceitful things. In a perfect world, no one would ever do anything to cause someone else to snoop. Two wrongs don't make a right - but it's really, really hard to throw away an otherwise excellent relationship. Some people can do it, others cannot. I will do it if I feel there is no Hope ... but that decision is a long ways from being determined yet.
Author Brandy228 Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 this right here tells you exactly what you need to do. if he lies - how can you possibly have trust? the amount of energy expended on catching the liar is ridiculous - only to be accused of being crazy? why would anyone want that for a relationship. it's like pretending and convincing yourself it's still ok to pretend. if a relationship is built in pretenses - it's not really a relationship at all. He is otherwise an exceptionally good person, and the relationship is very healthy in every other way. It's only this one particular issue that causes him to behave like that, and if this issue can be resolved and disposed of, I get to have him back the way he was before. Infidelity really brings out the worse in people.
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