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What if It never stops hurting?


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Posted

Is it a possibility that a mind and body can be hurt so badly that it never heals, never completely moves away from the pain and anger that is caused by love?

 

I feel like I will never be able to heal, forgive, move on, let go, deal with it, suck it up, take the higher road, or whatever cliche is used to describe the actions of forgetting the past and leaving it behind. What if I've completely owned the pain and hate and anger and know where it comes from and still can't get it to subside after all this time? Still today, when thoughts come my pulse rises, my jaw muscles clench, head pounds and adrenaline rushes into my veins and I am consumed by it. I want nothing more than to reach that point so many on here speak of about being indifferent to the past. But I am so far from indifferent and so far from being able to even contemplate forgiveness. I am far from able to even think of being in the same office as the betrayer let alone face that reality everyday.

 

And so I ask, is there a hurt that runs so deep you never heal?

Posted

I sure hope not. I actively fight it. When I begin to feel as you do, and it does happen, I try to picture myself like some sort of Delta Dawn character, walking around all crazy because she could never get over the lover who jilted her. And I so don't want to be that person. That thought keeps me going when it gets rough.

Posted
Is it a possibility that a mind and body can be hurt so badly that it never heals, never completely moves away from the pain and anger that is caused by love?

 

The mind is a VERY powerful thing. Our actions are controlled by our thoughts. So, in order to heal, we need to change our thoughts.. to keep our body and mind inline. And NO! You can heal and you will!

 

 

What if I've completely owned the pain and hate and anger and know where it comes from and still can't get it to subside after all this time? And so I ask, is there a hurt that runs so deep you never heal?

 

See that "What if" up there.. you need to drop it. I have learned that "What if" thinking is such a way to feel stuck. So instead about "What if" how about "Why not"? See what I'm getting at? Bottom line here, healing takes time. But, if you can stay postive in your thought process.. you can move forward in a nice fashion. You will get there.. have some faith.

 

Mea:)

  • Author
Posted

Funny you mention faith. I have renewed my faith through all this. I was even told to give my hate and anger to the higher power and let him take it from me and pray for the grace of forgiveness and healing. I do this. I do this everyday. I have faith in my ability to be strong and continue on in my life and do the things necessary like take care of my two kids, be a good father, work hard, stay active at the gym, go out with friends....life. But I am worried that I will never get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach caused by the vile taste of hate and disgust and that I will never be able to forget and live without the kickbacks of memories hitting me in the face. I fear too that I will never open myself up again to this kind of pain because there is no point. Love simply is not worth the games and heartache caused by the inevitable breakup. Am I negative and pessimistic? Yes. This time, the hurt might not go away. I doubt the trust in other human beings will come back either.

 

So with time you say I will heal. I'm wondering though if maybe this time, I don't want to.

Posted
Funny you mention faith. I have renewed my faith through all this. I was even told to give my hate and anger to the higher power and let him take it from me and pray for the grace of forgiveness and healing. I do this. I do this everyday. I have faith in my ability to be strong and continue on in my life and do the things necessary like take care of my two kids, be a good father, work hard, stay active at the gym, go out with friends....life. But I am worried that I will never get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach caused by the vile taste of hate and disgust and that I will never be able to forget and live without the kickbacks of memories hitting me in the face. I fear too that I will never open myself up again to this kind of pain because there is no point. Love simply is not worth the games and heartache caused by the inevitable breakup. Am I negative and pessimistic? Yes. This time, the hurt might not go away. I doubt the trust in other human beings will come back either.

 

So with time you say I will heal. I'm wondering though if maybe this time, I don't want to.

 

The hurt WILL go away. It may be so such a powerful feeling right now, but with time it will pass. I have been there. Fell for a mm at one point in time.. and honest to god, I thought I'd never get over him.. I was waist deep in.. but, I snapped out of it. We all have our ways of healing. So, find yours.. find what works.. and go with it. And drop the "I don't want to". That will get you NO where.

 

Mea:)

  • Author
Posted

Maybe I don't want to is the wrong word, I can't is a better term. Can't because of some deep seated hurt that won't go away. Maybe you're right. But I don't see it going away when I'm constantly reminded of them at work....cause I see him at work....NICE!

Posted

its very possible that it will take a very long time, even years to heal. its not totally uncommon. It depends on how deeply you were hurt. but it does subside. instead of feeling all those things like you do now, what will happen is over time it will subside to something like a dull ache. It takes longer when you work with them.

 

I work with my deceiver and betrayer. a year and a half later i still am not happy when i see my ex. i know i should be farther along with healing, but when i have to see her at work everything comes back. i feel all those things you do. I feel that sick in my stomach when ever I see her. In fact lately it has even got worse.

 

what has helped me is retaining my dignity. I do not initiate contact. I will respond if she contacts me to be polite. But I keep it short, polite and do not get personal. I do not want to let her know it bothers me in anyway or that I am thinking about her. I do not discuss my personal life what so ever. My life will now become a mystery to her. she will not know if I am dating anyone. Or anything else about my life. I will not tell her if she ever asks. I will just say I am not comfortable discussing my personal life with you, sorry. I also do not discuss my life with anyone co-workers. I do not associate with anyone she does.

 

perhaps part of why I feel this way is because I have not moved on with someone yet. I know I have dated a couple people since - and when I did -I didn’t feel as much – they were occupying my mind instead of her.

 

it sucks when she contacts me and tells me she wants to be "friends". I get emails here and there. I feel like slitting my wrists. She just wants to feel better about herself. I feel like I want her all to myself again, but I realize she really doesn’t love or respect me. ive asked her in the past to leave me alone -possibly for years until such time as i am ready to say hello to her. but she does not respect that. after not too long she will start snooping, or trying to get attention by showing off. Like – hey look at me, “its all good” now right??? “cant we be friends yet”

 

sometimes I start thinking -maybe there is something wrong with me for still feeling like this?? sometimes I think I should just stop whining and “be cool” about things. But then I start thinking about her being with someone else, and the broken trust and lies, her attempts at purposely deceiving and humiliating me -I just get mad all over again. i am vey selective about who I pick for my friends and lovers –I do not take it lightly. I give them absolute trust and love, and want the same in return. So when that is betrayed it affects me. and I cant seem to forget that. maybe I am a baby about all this but the way I feel is the way I am.

 

Hope this helps you.

Posted
I try to picture myself like some sort of Delta Dawn character

 

Delta Dawn reference for the WIN!!!!

Posted

CDT, the big question is, do you really want to give the other person power over you by tying you up with feelings of anger and hate? Does this fellow mean so much to you that you're willing to invest your energy in hating him so intensely? The biggest part of forgiving someone is to give yourself peace, otherwise, that person pretty much owns you.

 

and when I say "forgive," I don't mean in the sense that you roll over and allow them to hurt you more, but that you let go of whatever negative feelings you've got so that YOU can heal, even though it's a tough lesson you've learned. You move on, and while you don't forget, you also don't let it consume you.

Posted
its very possible that it will take a very long time, even years to heal. its not totally uncommon. It depends on how deeply you were hurt. but it does subside. instead of feeling all those things like you do now, what will happen is over time it will subside to something like a dull ache. It takes longer when you work with them.

 

I work with my deceiver and betrayer. a year and a half later i still am not happy when i see my ex. i know i should be farther along with healing, but when i have to see her at work everything comes back. i feel all those things you do. I feel that sick in my stomach when ever I see her. In fact lately it has even got worse.

 

what has helped me is retaining my dignity. I do not initiate contact. I will respond if she contacts me to be polite. But I keep it short, polite and do not get personal. I do not want to let her know it bothers me in anyway or that I am thinking about her. I do not discuss my personal life what so ever. My life will now become a mystery to her. she will not know if I am dating anyone. Or anything else about my life. I will not tell her if she ever asks. I will just say I am not comfortable discussing my personal life with you, sorry. I also do not discuss my life with anyone co-workers. I do not associate with anyone she does.

 

perhaps part of why I feel this way is because I have not moved on with someone yet. I know I have dated a couple people since - and when I did -I didn’t feel as much – they were occupying my mind instead of her.

 

it sucks when she contacts me and tells me she wants to be "friends". I get emails here and there. I feel like slitting my wrists. She just wants to feel better about herself. I feel like I want her all to myself again, but I realize she really doesn’t love or respect me. ive asked her in the past to leave me alone -possibly for years until such time as i am ready to say hello to her. but she does not respect that. after not too long she will start snooping, or trying to get attention by showing off. Like – hey look at me, “its all good” now right??? “cant we be friends yet”

 

sometimes I start thinking -maybe there is something wrong with me for still feeling like this?? sometimes I think I should just stop whining and “be cool” about things. But then I start thinking about her being with someone else, and the broken trust and lies, her attempts at purposely deceiving and humiliating me -I just get mad all over again. i am vey selective about who I pick for my friends and lovers –I do not take it lightly. I give them absolute trust and love, and want the same in return. So when that is betrayed it affects me. and I cant seem to forget that. maybe I am a baby about all this but the way I feel is the way I am.

 

Hope this helps you.

 

 

100% my story man. I work with her too. See her on average every week.

  • Author
Posted
CDT, the big question is, do you really want to give the other person power over you by tying you up with feelings of anger and hate? Does this fellow mean so much to you that you're willing to invest your energy in hating him so intensely? The biggest part of forgiving someone is to give yourself peace, otherwise, that person pretty much owns you.

 

and when I say "forgive," I don't mean in the sense that you roll over and allow them to hurt you more, but that you let go of whatever negative feelings you've got so that YOU can heal, even though it's a tough lesson you've learned. You move on, and while you don't forget, you also don't let it consume you.

 

This is my point. I don't INVEST anything into this. The hate and rage and hurt always present, always there and always without effort. I don't know how to let go of these negative feelings because they are always there. I don't know how more people don't become physically violent when it comes to stuff like this because if that threat were there, I would bet this type of evil crap would become a rarity. So, that is why I asked the question in the beginning. Are there people out there who can hurt us so badly we never move on?

 

Like the posters here, I do not initiate contact, I do not respond to him at work, I will not work with him nor have any communication with him regarding anything. Just writing this knowing he is in the same building, doing the same job, going to the same places, gets me to the point of boiling over.

Posted (edited)

I know what you mean. it just pops into your head, you don’t even have control of it coming into your mind. The very nano-second you see them you see red. It is very difficult to deal with. Keeping your dignity, moving on with doing things in your life that make you feel comfortable, and time, are the only things I have experienced that lessen the severity of this aggravation.

 

I am also beginning to realize after enough time has passed, meeting someone else you enjoy being with is a big help. Yes it is annoying having to weed thru 10 or 20 people to find someone we enjoy hanging with. But we enjoy being with others. When we are with someone, we are happy, when we loose that connection, we are devastated. Meeting new people and making new connections are important in the healing process. I am convinced 100%.

 

You will have your guard up with others, but the good thing is now you are equipped with the knowledge how to protect yourself going into things, and you can approach your new friends as you see fit, in a way that is comfortable to you. and if they don’t like it, than launch… next. you will now be in a better position to recognise deciet and betrayal. you will smell it a mile away. i know when she is lying. i can tell by the way she writes her words if it is truth or not. i can feel it if something is off or doesnt make sense now. its like i have become hypervigilant now.

 

I refuse to let HER ruin my happiness for the rest of my life. Maybe she just got in the way of my true calling. i dont want to miss the next person who may just become more important to each others lives, because SHE got in the way and jaded me.

Edited by paleblue
Posted

I'm another office romance refugee who works in the same building with my ex AND her new boyfriend. Luckily, we seldom run into each other - I'm sure she and I make an effort to avoid it.

 

However, it's one of the biggest arguments against office romances I can think of. I HATE the fact that I can't get away from thoughts of her at work. I always see her vehicle in the parking lot and realize they're enjoying the same things she and I used to - lunch, e-mails, walking out together, etc. Makes me sick. I would so love for work to be a refuge for me so she could be out of sight, out of mind, but that's not the case and I have to live with it. However, I am making a great effort to get another job, across country no less, so hopefully, the end is in sight.

 

Be strong. I know what you're going through and yes, I sometimes wonder what if the pain never heals.

 

Eisenhower

Posted
Maybe I don't want to is the wrong word, I can't is a better term. Can't because of some deep seated hurt that won't go away. Maybe you're right. But I don't see it going away when I'm constantly reminded of them at work....cause I see him at work....NICE!

 

No You CAN.:) It might take time, but you will get there. Now, you mention that you see him at work? Have you ever thought about finding a new job?

 

Mea:)

Posted

OP, i totally understand your anger especially when you both work at the same place (been there...) It will take a very long time if you have limited contact though, even if it's just hearing about your ex or the betrayer through third party info. It sucks. Everyone heal on their own timetable...time is your only friend. Try not to think about the what ifs.

 

Are you sleeping well now (i mean without meds)?

  • Author
Posted
No You CAN.:) It might take time, but you will get there. Now, you mention that you see him at work? Have you ever thought about finding a new job?

 

Mea:)

 

OP, i totally understand your anger especially when you both work at the same place (been there...) It will take a very long time if you have limited contact though, even if it's just hearing about your ex or the betrayer through third party info. It sucks. Everyone heal on their own timetable...time is your only friend. Try not to think about the what ifs.

 

Are you sleeping well now (i mean without meds)?

 

Yeah, tried finding a new job but it fell through. Political mumbo jumbo. Am I sleeping...without meds..no. I have begun to have nightmares/dreams again which makes sleeping difficult. See, here is the deal, the betrayer and I were a lot alike, we enjoyed doing similar things and therefore were good friends. Now, he is doing those things with her and I'm here wondering when I'm going to bump into them and what my reaction will be, because it's going to happen. Will I have the restraint I've had at work? Doubt it. I just want them both to get cancer and die slow deaths.

Posted

Just because one job fell through, does not mean you can't look for antother. Really, if you want to get away from seeing him everday.. your best bet is to keep looking. Or simply ignore him, and shift your focus to other things.

 

Mea:)

Posted

OP /guys, I knew you were working with your ex’s like me, what I did not realize is that they were dating someone else in the same office. I commend you for keeping it together at least on the outside. As the OP said -it is amazing that more do not go postal. As I realize for myself, I am having a hard enough time just dealing with the betrayer being with someone else who is not in the same office.

 

All I keep thinking is someday maybe their relationship is going to end just like ours did. why would it turn out any different? it seems like the vast majority of relationships these days have a shelf life. I see posts all over the place here – “relationship ends after 2 years, 3, years, 4 years” Not sure about yours, but mine does not have a great history as far as longevity goes. So if/when that day comes, I know myself - I will enjoy seeing her heart break. I will enjoy it very, very much. And I hope I am smart enough this time around to say no. I hope I have met someone better for me by then, and I hope each and every single one of you guys do also.

  • Author
Posted

Unfortunately, I work for the government and there is currently a hiring freeze....so yeah, unless I want to move to Washington DC, which isn't an option, I can't move. I'm stuck. I think I need a break from my own brain. Is there a pill that can self induce coma?

  • Author
Posted
OP /guys, I knew you were working with your ex’s like me, what I did not realize is that they were dating someone else in the same office. I commend you for keeping it together at least on the outside. As the OP said -it is amazing that more do not go postal. As I realize for myself, I am having a hard enough time just dealing with the betrayer being with someone else who is not in the same office.

 

All I keep thinking is someday maybe their relationship is going to end just like ours did. why would it turn out any different? it seems like the vast majority of relationships these days have a shelf life. I see posts all over the place here – “relationship ends after 2 years, 3, years, 4 years” Not sure about yours, but mine does not have a great history as far as longevity goes. So if/when that day comes, I know myself - I will enjoy seeing her heart break. I will enjoy it very, very much. And I hope I am smart enough this time around to say no. I hope I have met someone better for me by then, and I hope each and every single one of you guys do also.

 

So when/if they break up, can I walk into his office and just make a stinking fool of him? Is that acceptable professional behavior? I just want to rub in all the nasty sh$T he said to me like....it's been two weeks, why are you still messed up about her? And "damn you are such a dramaqueen". Or She left you because she didn't want your kids". And you know he said all this while he was banging her, and they both cheated while I was out of town on training. So, is that ok to do? Revenge? It's not the higher road and it might not make the past go away but it might make me feel better!

Posted

Those are some pretty harsh comments from him I must say, completely un-deserving to say the least. Pretty bad behavior too. I understand a little better now. Be glad you never got into something serious with this scumbag like marriage or kids. The part of his brain that is supposed to feel empathy is probably dysfunctional. He also sounds like a schemer.

 

If/when the day comes – and you find a way to make it sting a little for him, I think you should. He sounds like he deserves it. He has certainly scorned you. that is not a good position to be in. At the very least, point & laugh. Ex’s may be living the high life right now, but nothing ever stays the same. I hope mine gets a migraine everyday.

  • Author
Posted

Yeah, She started smoking when she left me for him so I'm hoping they both get cancer of the lungs and throat and have their voiceboxes removed, get fat and die a slow painful death, where they will end up in hell paying for their crappy behavior for eternity. I hope she gets fat and "accidently" has 14 of his kids and goes on welfare.

Posted

there' s another way to get back at both of them. just make your self so damn good looking he will be thinking he made the bigget mistake of his life and when he starts making eyes and she gets jealous than kick him in the nuts -hard, then repeat. than spill coffe on him.

Posted

No it doesn't get better. You'll just find that you become such an incredible actor that you(almost) believe that you are over it- and yes ,there are people out there who inflict everlasting damage and you just have to learn to live with it but I do't think you ever truly move on.

Posted

No it doesn't get better you just become so good an actor that you(almost) convince yourself. There are some people in this world who have a truly horrendous capacity to inflict hurt and no ,you never really get over it- you just learn to live with it.

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