My theory on why male/female friendships rarely turn into bonafide relationships

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

So I was thinking about this on my way back from band practice today. On of my band mates was talking about this girl he's known for a couple of months. They've hung out a lot and even had a lot of alone time. But even though he adulates about her all the time, he hasn't made a move. He hasn't even tried to kiss her yet.

 

We were in total shock and disbelief. We told him that he's wasting his time; that she's waiting for him. I warned him that the longer he waits to make a move, the more likely she is to say "no" when he finally does, and the more awkward it would be for them after wards. I even warned him that there's a possibility that he's lost his chance with her already.

 

He argued, "don't you think a guy and girl can be friends first before they date?" We all agreed "no."

 

But it got me thinking about why. I was thinking about all my past relationships; my past flings and past failures; girls who wanted me and girls who rejected me; who wanted to be lovers and who "just want to be friends." I was thinking about all the similarities and differences between them; what I did, said, how I acted, and, most importantly of all, WHEN I acted.

 

I personally believe I found the reason why most male/female friends rarely turn into bonafide relationships.

 

I believe most of the joy of a relationship, especially in the early stages, is getting to know each other; about learning new things about each other and creating and enjoying new experiences together.

 

Things like "Oh, I didn't know you played guitar. I'd love to hear you sometime," or "Oh wow, I didn't know you paint. Let me come over and see your paintings some time," or "You like modern art too? I love modern art! Let's check out the exhibit at the museum Thursday night!"

 

In the beginning it's fresh and exciting; the person you're seeing is still "mysterious," and you always want to learn new things about them and experience new things with them. I believe that drive to learn about a partner and do new things with them is what drives the attraction.

 

Now a male/female friendship is kinda like a relationship, except without the sex or the making out or physical affection. As friends, sure, they're learning about each other and doing new things, but at the same times, they're not indulging in each other physically, which is ENORMOUSLY important in a relationship, especially for men.

 

The thing is; what happens when you run out of gas? What happens once you've learned everything there is to know about a partner? What happens once you've experienced everything and you're just falling into routine?

 

All my relationships ended when me and a girl realized there was nothing left to experience together; to learn about each other. Then things go boring and stale. The attraction fizzled and we drifted apart.

 

That's why I believe male/female friendships rarely turn into relationships; the people learn and experience everything there is about each other, but once they've hit that dead end, there's nothing to drive the attraction anymore, and whoever wanted the relationship in the first place lost their chance in the early stage.

 

Anyone agree?

Edited February 17, 2010 by Don'tWannabeAWannabe

[Stockalone]

That's why I believe male/female friendships rarely turn into relationships; the people learn and experience everything there is about each other, but once they've hit that dead end, there's nothing to drive the attraction anymore, and whoever wanted the relationship in the first place lost their chance in the early stage.

 

Anyone agree?

 

No, I don't agree. If you can't sustain attraction beyond the getting to know you stage, no relationship will survive. This has nothing to do with being friends or not, but more about what you value and what drives you.

 

If you are friends and know everything about each other, you'll have a pretty solid basis of trust and respect for each other. Add attraction to the mix, and your chances of success for a LTR are probably as good as they get.

 

That said, if there is mutual attraction, the question is why it would take so long for them to find each other and try dating instead of being friends.

[Johnny M]

I think you pretty much nailed it.

[hats]

Now a male/female friendship is kinda like a relationship, except without the sex or the making out or physical affection.

 

I'd be interested to see if others, esp girls, agree with this. IMO the reason that it's hard to go from friends to relationships is that a relationship is VERY different from a friendship + physical affection. And by the time you are friends you're already use to a certain way of interacting with each other, and it can be really awkward trying to override those dynamics. Like your boss suddenly trying to be your best bud or something. It's going to feel awkward, and awkward is a big chemistry killer.

[Angel1111]

I think there's some truth in what you're talking about, however, there are so many variables as to why relationships don't work out - like people who want to control others, compatibility, people with mental illnesses, lack of respect, insecurities, abusers, etc.

 

I do think this is the crux of why the women's liberation movement happened. Women were staying at home, raising kids while their husbands were having stimulating lives in the business world, or whatever. The men were also interested in the women in the office because they were more interesting than the tired, worn out mom at home. Then the stay-at-home wife found that whenever her husband cheated or decided to leave, she was left with no experience, no job, no nothing. In other words, she was at his mercy, and there are fewer things that tend to kill passion - from both perspectives. Enter women's lib.

 

However, given all that, once a couple knows a lot about one another, if they're smart, they make sure that their spouse never knows everything, that they're not involved in every aspect of their lives (they have interests that are separate from their spouse) so that they always maintain a certain amount of mystery - and distance. Also, once a couple learns about each other and if they find that they're compatible, they can create adventures in their lives that continually create fresh experiences. That newness never has to die as long as they're willing to give their partner space to grow.

 

And I agree with your friend. Friends can become lovers and, usually, those are the most solid relationships.

[greatgirlfriend]

The guy I really want was my friend for years.

[boogieboy]

That's why I believe male/female friendships rarely turn into relationships; the people learn and experience everything there is about each other, but once they've hit that dead end, there's nothing to drive the attraction anymore, and whoever wanted the relationship in the first place lost their chance in the early stage.

 

Anyone agree?

 

Nope. Youre 15 and you havent learned why yet.

 

platonic friendships rarely turn into relationships because person A isnt physically attracted to person B, but person B is attracted. Person A who needs attention or ego boost knows when a "friend" - person B - is attracted to them, trying to establish a relationship, but person B is too chicken to make a move.

 

So person A uses that to their advantage, letting person B hang around hanging onto hope, but never inform person B that theres no chance of a relationship. These two persons hang around until either person A finds a mate, or person B finally wises up. Many person b's never wise up.

 

Now if neither person is physically attracted to each other, then they just dont hang out that often.

[monkey00]

Nope. Youre 15 and you havent learned why yet.

 

platonic friendships rarely turn into relationships because person A isnt physically attracted to person B, but person B is attracted. Person A who needs attention or ego boost knows when a "friend" - person B - is attracted to them, trying to establish a relationship, but person B is too chicken to make a move.

 

So person A uses that to their advantage, letting person B hang around hanging onto hope, but never inform person B that theres no chance of a relationship. These two persons hang around until either person A finds a mate, or person B finally wises up. Many person b's never wise up.

 

Now if neither person is physically attracted to each other, then they just dont hang out that often.

 

I agree with that. I have friendships with the opposite sex also, but would opt to rarely/never hangout with them 1on1...I would only hang out with them if we're at a social gathering/event or with our circle of friends. Personally it would be too awkward because I'm not attracted to them, and by that it would make things weird.

 

I think some male-female friendships can survive certain obstacles, but once either of them has a SO the playing field changes and the friendship will never be the same again.

[sagetalk]

Nope. Youre 15 and you havent learned why yet.

 

platonic friendships rarely turn into relationships because person A isnt physically attracted to person B, but person B is attracted. Person A who needs attention or ego boost knows when a "friend" - person B - is attracted to them, trying to establish a relationship, but person B is too chicken to make a move.

 

So person A uses that to their advantage, letting person B hang around hanging onto hope, but never inform person B that theres no chance of a relationship. These two persons hang around until either person A finds a mate, or person B finally wises up. Many person b's never wise up.

 

Now if neither person is physically attracted to each other, then they just dont hang out that often.

 

I believe it is you who should be called Sagetalk and not I for this response. Well written, if only everyone knew this when they were young. Oh the hearts that would have never been broken. It's very hard to "wise up", but that's what making a move is all about. It tends to force you wise up.

[phineas]

Nope. Youre 15 and you havent learned why yet.

 

platonic friendships rarely turn into relationships because person A isnt physically attracted to person B, but person B is attracted. Person A who needs attention or ego boost knows when a "friend" - person B - is attracted to them, trying to establish a relationship, but person B is too chicken to make a move.

 

So person A uses that to their advantage, letting person B hang around hanging onto hope, but never inform person B that theres no chance of a relationship. These two persons hang around until either person A finds a mate, or person B finally wises up. Many person b's never wise up.

 

Now if neither person is physically attracted to each other, then they just dont hang out that often.

 

I've started a friendship with a woman.

I'm 38 & separated & at the time I met her could care less about dating someone.

 

She's gotten weird on me lately.

 

Either she wants me to ask her out or she wants me to hang around so I can be her helper monkey because she keeps talking about stuff she wants to do this summer like camping with the kids & helping her fix some things on her house & I don't see it happening.

 

Because i'll be divorced then & if I don't wind up dating her I sure won't be going camping with her or working on her house because I will be dateing someone else.

 

I told her from the start I liked being single.

 

She's attractive but i could care less, their all attractive. I've only hung out with her a few times & mostly talked on the phone.

I keep her at a distance.

 

It would annoy me if I had to cut her out of my life because she's just looking for someone to be her handyman & re-enforce men & women cannot be true friends.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Nope. Youre 15 and you havent learned why yet.

 

platonic friendships rarely turn into relationships because person A isnt physically attracted to person B, but person B is attracted. Person A who needs attention or ego boost knows when a "friend" - person B - is attracted to them, trying to establish a relationship, but person B is too chicken to make a move.

 

So person A uses that to their advantage, letting person B hang around hanging onto hope, but never inform person B that theres no chance of a relationship. These two persons hang around until either person A finds a mate, or person B finally wises up. Many person b's never wise up.

 

Now if neither person is physically attracted to each other, then they just dont hang out that often.

 

I'm sorry, but how did you come to the conclusion that I'm 15? I'm 23 years old.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

I agree with that. I have friendships with the opposite sex also, but would opt to rarely/never hangout with them 1on1.

 

So you did NOT meet them with the hopes of turning it into something more.

 

Perhaps I should have been clearer.

 

I think my theory applies to guys who meet a girl, becomes attracted to her and becomes her friend, thinking it will turn into a relationship.

 

I'm saying that won't work.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well i can only speak from personal experience but I think that usually when men and women become friends, one of them is attracted to the other in some level but there is something stopping them from making a move, so they opt for the friendship route.

 

Now after years for friendship, you get to know each other VERY well, especially if you become each other's confidant. When this happens both of you already know what type of bf or gf the other one is, and if thats not what you want, then it will never turn into anything more than friendship.

 

In my case I came to find out I was physically attracted to my long time friend and he to me. We pretty much played the "we're just friends but whenever there is too much alcohol we hook up and we want to hang out 24/7" knowing a relationship couldnt be possible because we already knew what out downfalls would be. Most "friendships" dont go this far, and the parties are able to not cross that boundary allowing for the friendship to continue just as is.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Nope. Youre 15 and you havent learned why yet.

 

platonic friendships rarely turn into relationships because person A isnt physically attracted to person B, but person B is attracted. Person A who needs attention or ego boost knows when a "friend" - person B - is attracted to them, trying to establish a relationship, but person B is too chicken to make a move.

 

So person A uses that to their advantage, letting person B hang around hanging onto hope, but never inform person B that theres no chance of a relationship. These two persons hang around until either person A finds a mate, or person B finally wises up. Many person b's never wise up.

 

Now if neither person is physically attracted to each other, then they just dont hang out that often.

 

This is 100% true.

 

Personally, I would never hang out 1-1 with a guy unless I am attracted to him. A million years ago I had a close male friend that I was madly in love with. We hang out all the time and he pretty much used me for ego boost. I did eventually wise up and end the frienship.

[boogieboy]

I think my theory applies to guys who meet a girl, becomes attracted to her and becomes her friend, thinking it will turn into a relationship.

 

I'm saying that won't work.

 

This is right. Problem is theres a few ways a girl could have friend zoned a guy, like when he didnt make a move fast enough for her and she gave up on him, lost her attraction. If she keeps him around anyway, then they get to know each other and stay "friends" while he hopes. But it has nothing to do with any experiences or learning everything about each other. Its because he sits there and hopes, and she doesnt let it go any further. He doesnt know what hes doing.