Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) So there's this girl, X, that I've been working with for the last 7 months. Really nice girl, seems to have values, her smile alone can just brighten my day. She has a 2-year old daughter from a boyfriend of hers. I would put little smiley faces on her time card and she would do the same back, sometimes leaving a post-it on my time card saying "Have a great day!", and one time she even walked up to me and put a post-it on my chest that said the same thing. We get along very well. I let it slip to a co-worker, Y, that I was into her, but she has a boyfriend, so I wasn't going to interfere. Three weeks ago, my co-worker had informed me that X had left her boyfriend once and for all according to a conversation they had. A week later, I was passing her in the break room, and said hi. She asked me to come in and help her decide which drink to get from the vending machine, a Sprite or a Fanta. I helped her decide and she thanked me. (BTW, she put her two weeks notice in last week Wednesday, so no commentary on dating a girl I work with!) The Friday before V-Day came, and I decided I was going to do something nice for her since she is now single. I bought a Sprite and a Fanta and left them on her desk before she came in, with a note saying "Have a FANTA-stic V-Day!". She called me as soon as she got in, saying it was adorable and even better than flowers. An hour later, Y told me that X told her about the gift, saying "If I don't get a date out of this, I don't know what I'll do!". So the next time X came into my department and asked me a work-related question, I asked her if she had plans for the weekend. She said she had none. So I asked if she liked coffee, she said she loved it. So I asked her to coffee for V-Day. She accepted, and almost left the room before I reminded her that she forgot the documents she came in to ask me for. V-Day, we met at 5pm for coffee. We talked for two hours straight without pause. Got along really well, IMO. She maintained eye contact with me the whole time, smiling and laughing, which I always thought were supposed to be good signs. She did most of the talking, and only asked me a question or two about myself, but from what I knew about her, I really did like her. 6:50 came around, and I asked if she had to be anywhere. She said she had to pick up her daughter at 7. I said I was going to ask if we could continue this over dinner that night, but if she has to pick up her daughter, that's cool, but I said I'd like to take her out to dinner soon. She kind of started to search for words, and then told me she's going through "baby-daddy drama" and things are crazy right now for her to be dating, but she was flattered. I responded by thanking her for her honesty, and reminded her that she has my number for when the drama dies down. We talked for another 20 minutes before I told her that she should probably pick up her daughter, since it was almost a quarter past 7. So we left, and I gave her a hug goodbye. I texted her an hour later thanking her for a nice night, and she texted me 2 hours later apologizing for the late response, but saying she enjoyed it too. What do I make of this? I feel led on, almost. Why would she tell Y that she wanted a date out of this, and then tell me she wasn't ready to date? I took a genuine interest in her, asked all sorts of (non-invasive) questions, complimented her on her accomplishments, her freckles and her smile...she gave me good signs...I feel I did all the right things, and that we clicked! So what the heck happened? The last two days since our "date", I haven't visited her department, because I haven't had to. Before I would normally make an excuse to visit, just to see and say hi to her, but I haven't. I feel almost like I'm playing a game, but since I seriously have no reason to visit her department that's work-related, I'm not, right? Edited February 17, 2010 by Seymore
DustySaltus Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 You need to WITHDRAW. My theory is that when the father found out she was newly single he put his plan into place to try to get them back and be a family. There's no way you can compete with that at this point because the decision is up to her and i'm sure it's a weak spot. The one single mother I dated decided that she wanted to make things work with the father....she came back two weeks later, but I was gone. I would let her pursue you if that's what you want. But I personally, would just move on.
Author Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) You need to WITHDRAW. My theory is that when the father found out she was newly single he put his plan into place to try to get them back and be a family. There's no way you can compete with that at this point because the decision is up to her and i'm sure it's a weak spot. The one single mother I dated decided that she wanted to make things work with the father....she came back two weeks later, but I was gone. I would let her pursue you if that's what you want. But I personally, would just move on. Thank you for your response. Why would she put me through this, then? I could have sworn she was into me. All this talk about her being "saved" and into God and the Bible, I figured I was dealing with an honest person...and I feel almost swindled, like she never was into me at all.... Plus, when she was talking about the drama going on, I said "I understand, you need time to heal", and she said she was healed, and that they'd broken up before and she had finally realized it wasn't going to work, but things had to be sorted out between the two of them and their daughter. Edited February 17, 2010 by Seymore
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Can't be sure, but she may be into you. She may feel like it's not fair to subject you to the baby-daddy drama or she may doubt that you would be willing to get involved because of it. She may want to date you but ex may make life difficult if she does. You may want to make one last trip to her dept. before her last day. But, she does have a difficult situation and she may not know what she wants or she may change her mind so as someone else advised, may be best to walk away.
DustySaltus Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Thank you for your response. Why would she put me through this, then? I could have sworn she was into me. All this talk about her being "saved" and into God and the Bible, I figured I was dealing with an honest person...and I feel almost swindled, like she never was into me at all.... Plus, when she was talking about the drama going on, I said "I understand, you need time to heal", and she said she was healed, and that they'd broken up before and she had finally realized it wasn't going to work. I think something happened with the baby's father in the last few days that changed her attitude. Was she married to the father? I think she's now being honest with you because there is something going on. When she was talking about healing, was she talking about the father or the other dude? Don't feel swindled, she cost you a cup of coffee, a fanta and a sprite....not even dinner. You're confused and I understand that. The only thing you could do at this point is withdraw and let her come back to you. One other thing. When you took her out for coffee you should've kept it at that and not dinner. For the future, don't give up too much of yourself too soon.
Author Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Can't be sure, but she may be into you. She may feel like it's not fair to subject you to the baby-daddy drama or she may doubt that you would be willing to get involved because of it. She may want to date you but ex may make life difficult if she does. You may want to make one last trip to her dept. before her last day. But, she does have a difficult situation and she may not know what she wants or she may change her mind so as someone else advised, may be best to walk away. The last relationship I got out of was extremely emotionally abusive. THIS girl seems nice and we definitely click better. Needless to say, her "baby's daddy" is not who I'm interested in. SHE is. I can deal with a kid in the mix, and if the girl is into ME, I can deal with an ******* of an ex.
Author Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 I think something happened with the baby's father in the last few days that changed her attitude. Was she married to the father? I think she's now being honest with you because there is something going on. When she was talking about healing, was she talking about the father or the other dude? Don't feel swindled, she cost you a cup of coffee, a fanta and a sprite....not even dinner. You're confused and I understand that. The only thing you could do at this point is withdraw and let her come back to you. One other thing. When you took her out for coffee you should've kept it at that and not dinner. For the future, don't give up too much of yourself too soon. The father is the other dude. She wasn't married to him, but she was with him for 3 years (I think). But I've just been doing my own thing at work, not leaving notes and not going out of my way to visit her. I know I'm going to need to go back to her department in the next week, however, so I WILL see her, and I'll simply be civil and not standoffish.
DustySaltus Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 The father is the other dude. She wasn't married to him, but she was with him for 3 years (I think). But I've just been doing my own thing at work, not leaving notes and not going out of my way to visit her. I know I'm going to need to go back to her department in the next week, however, so I WILL see her, and I'll simply be civil and not standoffish. Yeah, just continue to be yourself and let her make the next move if she wants. I thought that she was with someone else and now the father re-appeared. My mistake.
Johnny M Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 What do I make of this? Looks like you're headed for the friend zone. You might still recover but only if you play it smart. From now on, ignore her completely, unless it's work related. Don't call her, don't do cute things for her, nothing. Treat her as just another coworker. If she inquires about the change in attitude, tell her that you are not interested in someone who wants to waste your time. She will get offended initially, but there's a good chance that she would reevaluate her position as a result. People tend to look at things differently when they feel they are about to lose something or someone important. If you continue playing the nice guy card, it's a lost cause.
Author Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Looks like you're heading for the friend zone. You might still recover but only if you must play it smart. From now on, ignore her completely, unless it's work related. Don't call her, don't do cute things for her, nothing. Treat her as just another coworker. If she inquires about the change in attitude, tell her that you are not interested in someone who wants to waste your time. She will get offended initially, but there's a good chance that she would reevaluate her position as a result. People tend to look at things differently when they feel they are about to lose something or someone important. If you continue playing the nice guy card, it's a lost cause. I'm definitely not doing the sweet things anymore. I'd thought about that, like "am I giving her the things and attention that she got in her last relationship without her even having to try with me?". HELL NO. For example: She had mentioned on our "date" that when she was pregnant she got foot massages and it was heavenly. Shoot, I give foot massages to girls I date ALL the time. Of course I didn't mention that to her, because I'm not gonna let myself get used. She wants to talk, she can come to me now. And if she doesn't, holy crap is she missing out.
boogieboy Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) What do I make of this? I feel led on, almost. Why would she tell Y that she wanted a date out of this, and then tell me she wasn't ready to date? I took a genuine interest in her, asked all sorts of (non-invasive) questions, complimented her on her accomplishments, her freckles and her smile...she gave me good signs...I feel I did all the right things, and that we clicked! So what the heck happened? The last two days since our "date", I haven't visited her department, because I haven't had to. Before I would normally make an excuse to visit, just to see and say hi to her, but I haven't. I feel almost like I'm playing a game, but since I seriously have no reason to visit her department that's work-related, I'm not, right? Youre not getting mixed signals, she isnt into you. UYnfortunately she might be too chicken to tell you this. She wanted a date with you to see what you were like, and she prolly didnt like you enough to continue dating. Its hit or miss. Thats why she didnt get to you right away, or call you the day after. Next time, be careful of asking too many direct questions, and dont compliment so much. Since she didnt express too much interest in you, I would think that she just wasnt feelin it. So dont worry about it, not so much what you did wrong, you just didnt do it for her naturally. Edited February 17, 2010 by boogieboy
DustySaltus Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Youre not getting mixed signals, she isnt into you. UYnfortunately she might be too chicken to tell you this. She wanted a date with you to see what you were like, and she prolly didnt like you enough to continue dating. Its hit or miss. Thats why she didnt get to you right away, or call you the day after. Next time, be careful of asking too many direct questions, and dont compliment so much. Since she didnt express too much interest in you, I would think that she just wasnt feelin it. So dont worry about it, not so much what you did wrong, you just didnt do it for her naturally. So boogie, you think she was playing the "baby daddy drama" card to let him down easy? I think she just may be confused...but then again, maybe she would say, "Look, I have some issues but if you can be patient i promise it will be worth your while". I don't know....
boogieboy Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 So boogie, you think she was playing the "baby daddy drama" card to let him down easy? I think she just may be confused...but then again, maybe she would say, "Look, I have some issues but if you can be patient i promise it will be worth your while". I don't know.... Women are never confused, when they want something, they WANT it now. A baby's daddy isnt going to stop them. When they dont want something, they fint the least guilt ridden way to not want it. Guys who cant take a hint get confused in the process.
Author Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Well if that's the case, then it's completely her loss. She barely even got to know ME, she talked about herself 95% of the time.
calazhage Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I understand she is cute etc, but why not find a woman with far less issues? She has a 2 yr old, and a boyfriend..(if they are broken up or not, he is far more important than you being the childs father)
soulm8 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Looks like you're headed for the friend zone. You might still recover but only if you play it smart. From now on, ignore her completely, unless it's work related. Don't call her, don't do cute things for her, nothing. Treat her as just another coworker. If she inquires about the change in attitude, tell her that you are not interested in someone who wants to waste your time. She will get offended initially, but there's a good chance that she would reevaluate her position as a result. People tend to look at things differently when they feel they are about to lose something or someone important. If you continue playing the nice guy card, it's a lost cause. I completely agree with Johnny. In future, you need to pay attention to the flow of conversation... if she's not asking YOU questions back (take turns) then her interest level isn't very high... Also, the fact that she mentioned the daddy drama in response to your request for a date was NOT good. I suspect she's hopeful that daddy is gonna change his mind/do the "right thing"/come crawling back and marry her... in the mean time, she's being a "greatgirlfriend"
Author Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 In future, you need to pay attention to the flow of conversation... if she's not asking YOU questions back (take turns) then her interest level isn't very high... Ok, but let me ask this, then...eye contact, smiling the entire time, laughing...what's that all about, then? And don't some people talk incessantly about themselves when they're nervous (like when I asked her out and after accepting she left without what she came in for)?
soulm8 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Ok, but let me ask this, then...eye contact, smiling the entire time, laughing...what's that all about, then? And don't some people talk incessantly about themselves when they're nervous (like when I asked her out and after accepting she left without what she came in for)? Maintaining eye contact, smiling and laughing are signs of self confidence. Some people are more skilled than others with feeling at ease with people... The trick is not to mistake that skill/self confidence for INTEREST in YOU. You need to build a "rapport" with someone... give and take. When someone talks about themselves and doesn't give a crap about YOU, they're wasting YOUR time. Forgetting her docs or whatever she came for, is just plain ditziness or whatever. Have you never forgotten what you were looking for after getting distracted?
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