JoJola Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Tell me...why is so hard for a man to simply break up with a girl instead of keeping her around...for example... you date someone for a while (say 6 months); spend a ton of time together and then..then drops out of the radar...then comes back, but causualy. Now, its not the same but he wont break if off with the girl even if she asks directly....he will answer most texts etc..but does not offer to start too much communication..and will still see you if you iniate the meeting.so why then does he not tell the girl he does not want to see her....What is the motive??? Now this has happened to me and two of my girlfriends...we decided we would like mens opinion on this???
MizzBella Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I have the same problem with men...but some of my friends use the rules presented in the book "the Rules" and they have much better luck with men than I do. So maybe it is worth a shot! The whole premise is that men love to chase women, and when the relationship becomes routine, they loose interest. So the book shows women how to keep the relationship fresh for him and keep him chasing so he doesn't loose interest.
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I'd ask the same question but for women...why do you do the same? You practically check out of the relationship and keep us on the hook until you find someone new that puts the fire in your pants...?
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Tell me...why is so hard for a man to simply break up with a girl instead of keeping her around...for example... you date someone for a while (say 6 months); spend a ton of time together and then..then drops out of the radar...then comes back, but causualy. Now, its not the same but he wont break if off with the girl even if she asks directly....he will answer most texts etc..but does not offer to start too much communication..and will still see you if you iniate the meeting.so why then does he not tell the girl he does not want to see her....What is the motive??? Now this has happened to me and two of my girlfriends...we decided we would like mens opinion on this??? This is an easy one. Sex.
murphomatic Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I don't know that it's so black-and-white.. and while it's probably different for every guy out there, I'll speak from the perspective of a man who has sometimes had a hard time initiating any kind of breakup-dialogue. Of the last three relationships I've had that have exceeded 9 months or so (enough time invested to be fairly serious, with the "new" and "shiny" starting to wear off a little), I've had trouble in all when it came to being frank about ending them. One of them, she moved out and we dated lightly for a bit (go back to the basics/beginning kind of approach), but eventually went our separate ways, another I had to definitively end it with her, but it took a couple of months before I could really get up the gumption to do it, the third and most recent, I knew I needed to end things with her about 6 months ago, we had several "mini-breakups" along the way, and finally split for good this Valentine's Day. In each case, there were a number of incredibly great things about each gal.. and of course - in the beginning of a relationship, you're always flashing your best stuff. Nobody's gonna come right out and display the attitude that will make you want to cut ties 8 months from now, or reveal the bad behaviors that will drive you insane x years down the road. So, each partner builds somewhat of an ideal image of the other, and as time reveals all, gradually things get tarnished and the pecadillos come out of all our closets. In all these cases, from my perspective, it's kind of like that line in the song Time - Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon ... "Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.." It's not that I'm lazy, disrespectful, or spineless, but that I see all the good traits about someone that originally contributed to me falling for them..and I want to find a way in my mind to look past the things that have negatively affected their image..even with this last one, to go as far as tolerating behavior that, had I known about it in the beginning, would've been an absolute deal-breaker. So I hang on in quiet desperation, hoping that things won't be so bad, or will get better, or somehow I'll be able to get back to that original person. I think we all do this to one degree or another in relationships we don't break off as early as we should've .. it's not exclusive to men. There were a lot of things I loved so dearly about this last one. But, alas, it concluded for both of us about the same time. I had been fairly withdrawn from her the last couple of months, considering breaking up and exploring some options to see if I could possibly manage or otherwise deal with her alcoholism. This withdrawl of myself from her wore on her heavily, and she couldn't deal either...so in a round-about way, we both arrived at the same conclusion damn near simultaneously...each for our own reasons. Careful with books and generalizations of how to deal with any given situation involving people - especially personal relationships. People are infinitely complex, and there really are no "rules".
murphomatic Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 The whole premise is that men love to chase women, and when the relationship becomes routine, they loose interest. So the book shows women how to keep the relationship fresh for him and keep him chasing so he doesn't loose interest.See - to me, that seems like complete tripe. I don't date out of boredom - which is the kind of man that this premise you mention describes. When I date someone - I'm seriously considering them for building a life with. I like routine and stability in my life. It makes things comfortable and I can inject the crazy stuff in little bits here and there, have a good time, and not capsize the whole boat. Women that are sold on this idea that things have to constantly be "new and fresh and different" are what I term as "relationship junkies." They never get over the rush of what a new relationship feels like, and they're constantly chasing the dragon. It's like a bad coke habit. You can't build anything solid on top of a constantly-changing, unstable foundation. Anyway ... just one guy's opinion.. take it as you will -
Vicious_Delicious Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 This is an easy one. Sex. Seriously. Glad someone said it.
Chi NZ Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 He's stringing you along...wants the best of both worlds but the consequences of none... Be free, easy to say, hard to do, just be true to yourself and ask the question, if you don't like the answer, deal with it you best know how. In saying this, I'm fresh out of a breakup and not the best to give sound advice, there are many.....maaaany others here more savvy and wise than I And they will give sound and healthy advice!
richardcruz Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Like most girls, guys also get confused at times. There is a lot of things that can confuse a guy..overloaded schedule, stress, turning a certain age, moving into a new relationship too early when he hadn't fully recovered from the last one..the list goes on. Yes, it is true that many guys use these reasons as excuses to jump ship, but in the same token, sometimes they're legit reasons for the change in attitude (it's happened to me). As unthoughtful as it sounds, a guy may want to stay in the "grey" area until he figures out if he is feeling this way because of one of the aforementioned reasons or if its because the spark in the relationship has gone away. Instead of breaking it off, he can keep you at an arms distance; enough to give himself some space and kind of feel how things would be without you, yet not throw you back in the sea for another to catch. In this time a guy can (and not always) be talking to someone else. Sometimes someone new has come into his life and all of a sudden, he is questioning his feelings for you. At times a guy will talk to this new person and after a few conversations he will remember again how much it sucks to date someone new and he'll snap back to reality, focusing once again on you. A guy doesn't have to sleep or be romantically involved with this other woman to come to a realization as such. In some cases, he'll roll the dice based on his experiences in the "grey time" and finally severe ties with you. I guess either way no matter how you flip it, It isn't fair to the other person. Some people want to have their cake and eat it too. If a guy is experiencing some kind of confusion and he isn't being clear as to why, walk away from him and give him time to be alone. Make your stance clear. The only way you want to hear from him is if, and only if he has figured his problem out and wants to work things out. NO GREY AREA. No in-betweens. If he keeps doing this he probably doesn't belong in a relationship and most likely isn't in tune with his feelings or wants to have the best of both worlds; a girlfriend to take care of him when he is sick and a girl on the side that he can go to when the gf gets on his nerves..... That's my 0.02
richardcruz Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 It's not that I'm lazy, disrespectful, or spineless, but that I see all the good traits about someone that originally contributed to me falling for them..and I want to find a way in my mind to look past the things that have negatively affected their image..even with this last one, to go as far as tolerating behavior that, had I known about it in the beginning, would've been an absolute deal-breaker. So I hang on in quiet desperation, hoping that things won't be so bad, or will get better, or somehow I'll be able to get back to that original person. I think we all do this to one degree or another in relationships we don't break off as early as we should've .. it's not exclusive to men. Murph's post also has some good insight. Wise words indeed from someone that sounds like they've lived. I especially like this quote. Just as he put it, be careful with generalization. Every case can potentially be different.
CaliGuy Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Think of it this way: "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Most men won't break things off completely with one girl until he's sure he has a steady stream of sex with another girl. Some guys will even keep both around as long as they'll sleep with him. Want to know if a guy really loves you? Stop having sex with him for a significant length of time. If he sticks around, he loves you. If not, he doesn't. It's as simple as that.
GrayClouds Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Tell me...why is so hard for a man to simply break up with a girl instead of keeping her around...for example... you date someone for a while (say 6 months); spend a ton of time together and then..then drops out of the radar...then comes back, but causualy. Now, its not the same but he wont break if off with the girl even if she asks directly....he will answer most texts etc..but does not offer to start too much communication..and will still see you if you iniate the meeting.so why then does he not tell the girl he does not want to see her....What is the motive??? Now this has happened to me and two of my girlfriends...we decided we would like mens opinion on this??? The more important question, why would you allow it?
sunrae Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 JoJola, Maybe you and youre friends are just picking the wrong type of men. I'm not pointing fingures as I have had a guy do that to me once... Thought things were going pretty good, then he disapears for a month to "think about things".. When he came back around he thought I would just take him back with open arms.. Nope, i dont respect a person who just vanishes and doesnt say anything, he didnt respect me when he just "went away to think about things." Honestly, I think he got scared and started thinking about things to much..
carhill Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Sex and ego validation are the two most common reasons for promoting BBGF's...
Sassygirl2 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 "Want to know if a guy really loves you? Stop having sex with him for a significant length of time. If he sticks around, he loves you. If not, he doesn't. It's as simple as that. I don't understand. My ex bf broke it off with me 2 weeks ago and the last time we were intimate was one week before that. Sex was one of the positive things about our relationship but now he just wants to hang out with me "as friends". He knows I would stay the night if he asked me too because he knows I love him and want to work things out. He is not seeing anyone else - I believe that wholeheartedly. He said he needs space and time to see what he wants. We had some issues but nothing that couldn't be worked on. We went out to dinner tonight "as friends" and were catching up with each other and our lives. Nothing was said about our situation until it was time to go home. He knows how I feel about him but I don't hang all over him or anything like that. I guess I don't understand the sex thing. I know it wouldn't be "right" but why wouldn't he try to take advantage of me? Does this mean he actually has some respect for me or he KNOWS that if we are intimate again it will cause him to fall into the relationship again and he doesn't know if he wants to do that?
annxxdisaster Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Want to know if a guy really loves you? Stop having sex with him for a significant length of time. If he sticks around, he loves you. If not, he doesn't. It's as simple as that. That's ridiculous, why play games? If you don't think a guy actually loves you talk to them about that or try to find out why you feel that way or leave them. Sometimes it's hard to accept that someone loves you, maybe you don't love yourself, or you have unresolved issues in your past. But really... withholding from sex?
CaliGuy Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 That's ridiculous, why play games? If you don't think a guy actually loves you talk to them about that or try to find out why you feel that way or leave them. Sometimes it's hard to accept that someone loves you, maybe you don't love yourself, or you have unresolved issues in your past. But really... withholding from sex? It's not a game. Sheesh, everything is a game to people around here. It's the ONLY way, IMHO, for women to clearly find out if they are being used or not. So many women here complain that they are not being treated right. That they are dating a jerk but can't leave him or he won't officially dump them. I say to any of those women, if you think a guy is using you, stop having sex. You'll find out real quickly if he really loves you or if he's in it for sex. It's not a game, it's getting your self-respect and dignity back. Why else would a jerk who doesn't love you stick around unless he's getting sex? People do not stay in relationships unless some or all of their needs are being met. For men, I'd say sex makes up about 75% of their personal needs. The other 25% is love, companionship, etc. It's 25/75 for women, IMHO. Look, I am not saying play games, ok? I am simply saying that if you are unsure or don't know, stop sleeping with the guy. Like I always say: "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free", knowutImean?
carhill Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 In the case of the OP, the man flipped her oxytocin switch once, so he knows where it is. Coming back every so often reminds her of that switch and the bonding which ensued. Her heart out-maneuvers her mind, in some cases. This is classic BB (backburner) generating behavior. Women do it too, using their sexual attractiveness or feminine wiles (an old fart term ), but this is a BBGF we're talking about here. IMO, Cali's boundary is reasonable. If one feels taken advantage of, manipultated or ignored, why offer up an expression of intimacy which flies in the face of honest feeling? If, for a particular person, sex is a recreational activity and has no deeper meaning, then participate with a willing partner when one feels like stretching that muscle, without regard to any relationship dynamics. Disconnect the sex from the relationship. Do it with anyone. Enjoy
annxxdisaster Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 It's not a game. Sheesh, everything is a game to people around here. It's the ONLY way, IMHO, for women to clearly find out if they are being used or not. So many women here complain that they are not being treated right. That they are dating a jerk but can't leave him or he won't officially dump them. I say to any of those women, if you think a guy is using you, stop having sex. You'll find out real quickly if he really loves you or if he's in it for sex. It's not a game, it's getting your self-respect and dignity back. Why else would a jerk who doesn't love you stick around unless he's getting sex? People do not stay in relationships unless some or all of their needs are being met. For men, I'd say sex makes up about 75% of their personal needs. The other 25% is love, companionship, etc. It's 25/75 for women, IMHO. Look, I am not saying play games, ok? I am simply saying that if you are unsure or don't know, stop sleeping with the guy. Like I always say: "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free", knowutImean? Hell. I want to have sex more than any guy I've dated so far, I don't know if I'd want to do that to myself.
CaliGuy Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hell. I want to have sex more than any guy I've dated so far, I don't know if I'd want to do that to myself. That's not the point.....you've missed it completely.
annxxdisaster Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 That's not the point.....you've missed it completely. No, I haven't. I mean, I can see what you're saying. But, in my own past I've had a lot of problems with trusting people and what they're saying to me or have said--even if they're showing me (via actions) that they do care. I could give you a huge psychological profile and tell you of all the great relationship patterns I saw when I was growing up. I guess--for myself I would just rather have the balls TO bring up a discussion like that with a partner, instead of assuming or trying to explain things myself. I avoid going directly to the source due to my own cowardice.
Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 chasing the dragon Ummm chasing the dragon means smoking heroin. I'm pretty sure you did not mean that.
Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 No, I haven't. I mean, I can see what you're saying. But, in my own past I've had a lot of problems with trusting people and what they're saying to me or have said--even if they're showing me (via actions) that they do care. I could give you a huge psychological profile and tell you of all the great relationship patterns I saw when I was growing up. I guess--for myself I would just rather have the balls TO bring up a discussion like that with a partner, instead of assuming or trying to explain things myself. I avoid going directly to the source due to my own cowardice. Sorry but sounds like you totally missed CaliGuy's point. You can initiate all the conversations you want but if a guy is unwilling to talk about emotional issues, which many are you need to go by their actions and reactions. Actions speak louder than words, you know?
GrayClouds Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 For men, I'd say sex makes up about 75% of their personal needs. The other 25% is love, companionship, etc. It's 25/75 for women, IMHO. I think your option of men is a bit one dimensional. And your HO of women too suffers from the fallacy of generalization. But you are right that sex can keep someone around long after any other feelings are gone.
Author JoJola Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks to everyones comments and posts; i jst got the time to sit and read through all of them. I am still intrigued by the male behavior. Now heres the update: my problem guy has been coming and going; i am sure some of you have read my older posts questioning many things. Now I decided to stop playing and just lay it out on the table with him. We got together last Wednesday..and gee guess what...he was drinking (again) so I was very hesitate to initiate any convo like this with someone who is drinking. We were at his house, I started to take off my rings, necklace, etc...I have a 40 minute drive home from his place and wanted to get into my gym clothes before I left which is common behavior for me. Normally I spend the night at his house and often times I would leave something behind, such as a pair of earrings, necklace etc...I have to get up at 4:30 am to make it home to go to work so some mornings in am in huge hurry. He alwasy complained about this so I commented I was putting everything in my bag so I would not lose anything..he then comments..I dont care if you leave stuff here and took my earrings and placed them across the table from me so they were out of my reach. I was very frustrated at that point ..my earrings are still there and I am too concerned about getting them...but why would he want them, is it to make sure I have a reason to contact him..or trophy...what the heck? I understand what all of you have said and aI will not have sex with him..we discussed me going there this evening..however I am not sure If I should bring up this conversation..I really want closure. Wht do you all think? Give it more time, do it now, or just simply turn and run. I feel I need the closrue to go on...any suggestions on this.
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