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I plan to use the next guy I date


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Posted (edited)
The thing is, I can't let him go, he's the one I've always wanted. He told me he wanted a relationship, but now he tells me he doesn't. Big difference from saying from the get go he didn't want one. If I don't end up with him, I'll probably end up with someone I don't love just to be with someone. That's how it goes. And no, I didn't do this to myself, he told me right away he wanted a relationship.

 

He told you he wanted a relationship one day and a day after he told you he didn't want one. Sorry, actually, you reported he told you he didn't want to get married ever, called you his girlfriend that night and told you the day after he just wanted to be friends.

 

That's ambivalence, and I doubt ambivalence would make it in the list of qualities you are looking for in a man.

 

I'm not saying this to put you down. I keep repeating this to point out the huge red flag that you chose to ignore. This is what we all mean by taking responsibility. In the future, don't ignore red flags.

 

Easy. Your love life will improve.

 

But for now, your job is to let it go.

 

And no, he's not the one you always wanted. You passed him years ago, then proceeded to built a fantasy about him. In past years, you've started wanting the fantasy. Reality doesn't match with the fantasy. Let it go.

Edited by Kamille
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Posted

My love life won't improve because he's the only one I want. That's the fact. He shares my views, my values, and my hobbies. The fact is there aren't many guys like him at my age. And no, he's not cute either, because I don't care about that. He'll still visit me and yes I want him. He's my only wish. Otherwise I'll end up with some guy I don't love and that's not fair.

Posted
He said we'll be friends and he'll come to visit. I keep hoping that he was having a bad day because he's the one I want. I don't want anyone else. If I don't get him, then yes I will likely use a guy because this isn't fair to me.

 

You are not being fair to yourself. There is no huge scheme against you here. You're using this discourse about "the one" to allow yourself to wallow in drama.

 

you have to let go of that romantic ideal you have built around this guy. 1) because no doubt it's too much pressure for the guy to live up too and 2) because that romantic ideal is blinding you to the red flags in this relationship.

Posted
Otherwise I'll end up with some guy I don't love and that's not fair.

 

You cannot predict the future and why would you ever settle for someone you don't love?

 

Accept his desire that this be over, take the time to heal and then get back to dating with a healthier attitude, one where you take responsibility for your choices.

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Posted

I have to have hope otherwise my choices are:

 

commit suicide

be without a boyfriend the rest of my life

date a guy just to use him. No, I won't find one I love, that won't happen. Love doesn't happen for everyone and this proves that it will never happen for me. He was the one and no one ever came close.

 

Those are my choices. Everyone has red flags. Some are worked around. I would give up if he himself didn't admit he fell for me.

Posted
You are not being fair to yourself. There is no huge scheme against you here. You're using this discourse about "the one" to allow yourself to wallow in drama.

 

.

 

Precisely! Kamille has given you some excellent advice so far especially the cognitive work she suggested you do to break old patterns.

 

You are "in love" with this guy right now, or better yet in love with the idea of what you could have with him given what you've seen so far from him. But the reality is that you have no idea what he would be like as a partner so right now any of these strong feelings you are experiencing and grasping so tightly to, are based mostly on the fantasy of what you think you would have.

 

Of course you are not ready to love another guy right now, in the frame of mine you are in, but you can fall in love again and you will heal from this if you make a conscious effort to do so. Once you start to move on mentally your emotions and heart will follow.

Posted

 

commit suicide

be without a boyfriend the rest of my life

date a guy just to use him. No, I won't find one I love, that won't happen. Love doesn't happen for everyone and this proves that it will never happen for me. He was the one and no one ever came close.

 

 

Don't be so melodramatic.

 

Or your choices could be

 

sort through this once you feel up to it

get the help that you need to work through your past

meet someone in the right frame of min

fall head over heels in love in a healthy and right way

truly meet the one

 

"The one" could happen at any time in your life, the only reason you set these obstacles for yourself is because you are stuck in your past patterns and they create a self fulfilling prophesy over and over again. How could you say he is the one when you have never even gone out with him in a romantic way? Or have you ever dated him for a consistent period of time?

Posted

Let me repeat, you cannot predict the future. Right now you're hurting and you're putting a negative spin on everything. You've been so invested into making things work with this guy that you only see that as the only possible happy outcome.

 

But please recognize that these negative thoughts are temporary. they will pass if you allow them to pass.

 

What you can do is help yourself.

 

Talk to your family and friends - not about him but about how bleak you see your future to be.

 

If your love life has you so depressed that you are considering suicide, please seek counseling -minimally, speak to your family about your suicidal thoughts.

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Posted

This isn't one of those where I think I am in love. I KNOW I am in love and have been since we were friends years ago. There's why I know he's the one. He has to be, he's my last chance. I know I should have gotten with him years ago but I was the scared one. I got over my fear so he might still be able to as well.

 

Otherwise my choices of guys are divorced guys, those with kids, fat slobs, and losers. That's all that is left at 40. The few good ones have their choice.

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Posted

Fall head over heels? That only happens in the movies. I'll make sure that never happens.

Posted
Fall head over heels? That only happens in the movies. I'll make sure that never happens.

 

 

Ok don't take that so literally I meant fall hard, use whatever euphemism that feels comfortable to you. I tend to go hard or go home so "head over heels" works for me....I respect that expression might not for you. :cool:

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Posted
Scare of what years ago?

 

Afraid of being in a relationship then but he was.

Posted

Why were you afraid of being in a relationship then?

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Posted
Ok don't take that so literally I meant fall hard, use whatever euphemism that feels comfortable to you. I tend to go hard or go home so "head over heels" works for me....I respect that expression might not for you. :cool:

 

This is it for me. I will make sure I never fall for anyone again. I'll make sure I date a guy I have zero feelings for, but whom loves me.

Posted

Yes I gathered that I guess I should have asked why you were afraid of being in a relationship had you just got out of one of your bad ones? Was he persistent to get involved and you refused then? How does someone who claims they wanted a guy pretty much since she met him refuse to get involved with him at one point for fear of a relationship? If you have always felt this strongly about him how could you have refused to be with him in the past? I don't get that!?! It sounds like maybe you didn't see him in the right way until now, until later in life. Sounds like he was more into you in the past then you into him.

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Posted
Why were you afraid of being in a relationship then?

 

Because at the time I got out of an abusive relationship. That's why many don't get the depth of this. I think he's still hurting from me hurting him.

Posted

Oh, and I had that heartbreak that shattered my world - where I thought I would never recover and would never love again. I'm sure a lot of us have.

 

At the time though, I didn't want to listen to anyone who didn't give me a glimmer of hope that we would end up together. Like you, I had decided he was the one.

 

Now, I look back - I look at who that man has become, I look at the love I have known since then and I am thankful things didn't work out with him.

 

Perhaps, just perhaps, this is all happening for a good reason.

Posted
I think he's still hurting from me hurting him.

 

Have you two talked about this?

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Posted

If it's happening for a reason it's either because God is punishing me, or because he wants me to feel what he went through years ago (and maybe we will still be together because it's a test).

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Posted
Have you two talked about this?

 

A little bit. He told me he got over it but he really felt I was the one then, but I wasn't in a good mindset then.

Posted

Why would God punish, you? For what?

Posted
If it's happening for a reason it's either because God is punishing me, or because he wants me to feel what he went through years ago (and maybe we will still be together because it's a test).

 

Or so that you can let go of the past entirely and get ready for a brand new future.

Posted

And why would a guy that has wanted you all this time and finally has a chance to get you want to punish you instead now?

Posted
A little bit. He told me he got over it but he really felt I was the one then, but I wasn't in a good mindset then.

 

Did you two date back then?

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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