I plan to use the next guy I date

February 17, 2010

Actions: Get a 'thank you' card or gift at a thrift store for under a dollar. Accept low cost, but emotionally fulfilling, 'dates'. The lady I'm seeing and I walked the mall but didn't buy anything, rather just talked.

Do things that build intimacy; such things which do not require money. Use your skills (which cost nothing) to develop rapport and value. I bake cookies. I'm good at it and it's pretty inexpensive and greatly appreciated by those I give them to. I also can do tons of 'guy things' but that stuff is boring and not at all romantic. Think like that. What's the best use of your resources?

I can tell you, having experienced the 'treated badly by a woman I loved more than life', that it's consistent and positive and loving actions which would be the only path to changing my feelings about the dynamic. Time would not (does not) make my heart grow fonder, rather causes me to more clearly see the realities of the dynamic. I had 25 years of a fond heart. That's enough. Time to move forward in a positive way. Main advantage you have (over myself) is two-fold: One, being female, you are always going to be approached by men. Two, as a former model, you have genetic attractiveness which increases the likelihood and length and breadth of such approaches greatly. Only real job you have is to choose wisely. Guys don't care if you're 'broke'.

I hope you find a path which is healthy for you. The topic of this thread is not a healthy path, IMO, and I hope you're steadfast in not pursuing it. Best wishes

February 17, 2010

I don't want guys to think I am out for their money.

No - you just want to trick them into THINKING you're not out for their money.

When someone like you does the things you plan, THAT is what turns good guys into jerks. And round and round goes the pain.

February 17, 2010

you know at one point I was thinking the same way as Greatgirlfriend. I can't remember which of the many, many men who let me down sparked it off. My particular problem seems to be that there is always some girl better than me. They like me, are interested, then find someone better or go back to the ex. This can happen at the point of first meeting, us flirting and then next thing you know another girl takes him, or within a LTR.

My utter anger and bitterness at mankind in general manifested itself in exactly the same way because you are hurting so badly and wondering what on earth you did to deserve the treatment that you get over and over and over again. My plan was not to treat the next man badly, but to go around and break up happy couples, seduce the man, ruin the LTR or marriage and then walk away, if I wasn't allowed to be happy, why should anyone else be was my way of thinking.

Of course, I got over this and quickly too. The OP was just venting her anger and frustration. It is the 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' thing and it's years and years of things not working out combined with disappointment and hurt that basically make you crazily angry.

Greatgirlfriend the only thing I'd point out is that some people made some good points on here. Stop looking outward and start looking inward. Do you ignore red flags, are you afraid of intimacy and thus unconsciously pick men who will never commit, do you flirt, what kind of a man do you want...and more importantly if you got him would you be too scared that it might not work out and mess things up for yourself.

Also, I agree with whoever said, Carhill I think that you should not use finances as an excuse. I've just realised that I'm worse off financially than I thought, as in, I probably won't be able to pay my rent next month or feed myself...and after freaking out, my first thought was no more dating for me, no man wants to be with a girl who can't even go on a date, or say yes to going to a bar for a drink because she has literally no money. A wise friend said 'you'll just get more disappointed sitting around at home, just tell anyone who's interested that you've no money right now so you'll have to do free things like going for a walk or cooking at home'.

I think you need to meet some other guys, even if it's through a dating site, even if they are not the right men for you, I've found it is a great way of getting my focus off some unobtainable man and helping me move on...even if they don't work out, it makes me realise that not every man in their late 30's is already married. They're not.

February 17, 2010

Actions: Get a 'thank you' card or gift at a thrift store for under a dollar. Accept low cost, but emotionally fulfilling, 'dates'. The lady I'm seeing and I walked the mall but didn't buy anything, rather just talked.

Do things that build intimacy; such things which do not require money. Use your skills (which cost nothing) to develop rapport and value. I bake cookies. I'm good at it and it's pretty inexpensive and greatly appreciated by those I give them to. I also can do tons of 'guy things' but that stuff is boring and not at all romantic. Think like that. What's the best use of your resources?

I can tell you, having experienced the 'treated badly by a woman I loved more than life', that it's consistent and positive and loving actions which would be the only path to changing my feelings about the dynamic. Time would not (does not) make my heart grow fonder, rather causes me to more clearly see the realities of the dynamic. I had 25 years of a fond heart. That's enough. Time to move forward in a positive way. Main advantage you have (over myself) is two-fold: One, being female, you are always going to be approached by men. Two, as a former model, you have genetic attractiveness which increases the likelihood and length and breadth of such approaches greatly. Only real job you have is to choose wisely. Guys don't care if you're 'broke'.

I hope you find a path which is healthy for you. The topic of this thread is not a healthy path, IMO, and I hope you're steadfast in not pursuing it. Best wishes

Thanks. I was going to write this part above but couldn't edit it in. I think it'll make more sense on why he says he wants to be friends now or take it slow (depending on his mood).

I live an hour from him and we live in a metropolitan area (Chicago) where we get hit with heavy winters. I don't like to go out much in snow and have a fear of snow (I once got in a car accident). As a result of those alone we can't see each other every weekend. Plus the fact is he has to spend gas money to come and visit me and I can't go and visit him now because I have to be frugal moneywise (I was getting unemployment but it ran out so I am living on savings). So even though I have no problems doing frugal dating, the gas does cost a lot. Right now I can't afford to move nor can he so we are both stuck. Now when the weather gets better it might be another thing. I live near a state park and he mentioned spending the day there. So the fact that I have no money coupled with the fact his last girlfriend used him for money does make him nervous. These aren't excuses, just facts. Now when the weather gets better and I get a job and he's the same way, then it's another story. In the meantime I am keeping my options open because he may never change and I have to accept that.

February 17, 2010

You want to be loved, greatgirlfriend, then just love. Sure there are a lot of men out there who want to take advantage of you, but if you are sure of who you are, if you know what you have to offer, they won't take advantage of you.

You sound so hurt, so bitter. I'm sorry. It's going to take a lot of work to let that go, but you can let it go if you want to.

Just start fresh. Begin to get a fresh attitude on things. You are 39 years old, that is a great age, and I don't doubt you are attractive. You have so much to offer if you can just clear your head a bit and get your heart in the right place.

February 17, 2010

you know at one point I was thinking the same way as Greatgirlfriend. I can't remember which of the many, many men who let me down sparked it off. My particular problem seems to be that there is always some girl better than me. They like me, are interested, then find someone better or go back to the ex. This can happen at the point of first meeting, us flirting and then next thing you know another girl takes him, or within a LTR.

My utter anger and bitterness at mankind in general manifested itself in exactly the same way because you are hurting so badly and wondering what on earth you did to deserve the treatment that you get over and over and over again. My plan was not to treat the next man badly, but to go around and break up happy couples, seduce the man, ruin the LTR or marriage and then walk away, if I wasn't allowed to be happy, why should anyone else be was my way of thinking.

Of course, I got over this and quickly too. The OP was just venting her anger and frustration. It is the 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' thing and it's years and years of things not working out combined with disappointment and hurt that basically make you crazily angry.

Greatgirlfriend the only thing I'd point out is that some people made some good points on here. Stop looking outward and start looking inward. Do you ignore red flags, are you afraid of intimacy and thus unconsciously pick men who will never commit, do you flirt, what kind of a man do you want...and more importantly if you got him would you be too scared that it might not work out and mess things up for yourself.

Also, I agree with whoever said, Carhill I think that you should not use finances as an excuse. I've just realised that I'm worse off financially than I thought, as in, I probably won't be able to pay my rent next month or feed myself...and after freaking out, my first thought was no more dating for me, no man wants to be with a girl who can't even go on a date, or say yes to going to a bar for a drink because she has literally no money. A wise friend said 'you'll just get more disappointed sitting around at home, just tell anyone who's interested that you've no money right now so you'll have to do free things like going for a walk or cooking at home'.

I think you need to meet some other guys, even if it's through a dating site, even if they are not the right men for you, I've found it is a great way of getting my focus off some unobtainable man and helping me move on...even if they don't work out, it makes me realise that not every man in their late 30's is already married. They're not.

I'll still keep my options open but I need to concentrate on my career now. I'm not going to wait around for him because he may never come around, but at the same time I really don't want to date others. Maybe I will soon. I told myself that by the summer I'll really start dating heavily because by next Christmas I want a serious boyfriend who'll spend money on me and I'll do the same. Maybe it'll be him, but maybe it won't so I don't want to waste my time just with him.

February 17, 2010

At the beginning of the thread it seemed you were pretty hell bent on screwing over "man". Good thing you released your anger and thought rationally, just remember even if one man (or any number of men) screw you over, that man does not represent every single man on the planet. True there are alot but not all, and you could of never known that the guy you wanted to screw over was the "one". But you could never know for the "one" is freakin one in 3 billion men....you got better chances at winning the lottery than finding the soul mate. Anyways as it was said earlier, the best revenge is living well. Just do what makes you happy, without causing others pain, for mankind is known for when they recieve pain they usually give it back (sometimes tenfold). Just keep positive and a smile on the face for even when life seems like hell, it can only get better...

February 17, 2010

Since I won't get the guy I want (at least for now) I've decided my next tactic will be to use the next guy. Get him right away to spend money on me. We go out? He buys everything. This will work especially with not so attractive guys. If he has money I'll have fun using him. Meanwhile he'll get no sex. Or if he does get sex it'll be because I've decided I want to marry him or get pregnant. Sure, I may not love him, but if he's stupid enough to go with this, then he deserves all the terrible he can get. Then he'll likely never want to date again after I cheat on him with some hot guy.

I should have done this years ago.

You should go to Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. That show is ripe for you!

February 17, 2010

After reading this thread it pretty much confirms why I feel the way I do about women.

February 17, 2010

After what men did to me, they deserve it back in spades. They are all evil so it's best to hurt someone like I've been hurt. If I can't have the one I want, I don't want others, so they deserve to be hurt. I can't wait. Right now I am looking at profiles of guys who look desperate. They are going to get theirs.

As though you've dated all men or that men never get worked over too.

Try instead, thinking of everyone as just people. Not every person is going to be a nice one. Now you're not nice one either. Good job! thanks for becoming part of the problem.

February 17, 2010

That's why I keep hoping eventually he does come to his senses.

Seems to me like he already did.

February 17, 2010

if he's stupid enough to go with this, then he deserves all the terrible he can get.

I fully agree with this. Post your results!

February 18, 2010

you know at one point I was thinking the same way as Greatgirlfriend. I can't remember which of the....men who let me down sparked it off.

Very thought provoking and so true. A man hurt you so terribly and you can't remember him? That is the power of healing.

Greatgirlfriend, please allow yourself to hurt and heal and one day you'll have trouble remembering being in this dark place.

I'm glad you worked through what you were feeling yesterday.

Edited February 18, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

February 18, 2010

Very thought provoking and so true. A man hurt you so terribly and you can't remember him? That is the power of healing.

Greatgirlfriend, please allow yourself to hurt and heal and one day you'll have trouble remembering being in this dark place.

I'm glad you worked through what you were feeling yesterday.

I'm still upset, especially if he doesn't want to become more than a friend. If he never comes around as more than a friend I know what will happen. I'll find a guy on the rebound and not really love him because I am pining for the one I want. It's happened before to me. There was another guy I liked, but he had no interest in dating. Instead I ended up with a guy who I never loved, but he loved me. The sad thing is he probably doesn't even know I never loved him because I broke his heart terribly (I was 22). Sounds terrible, but I've known for many years I wanted to be with the one and if it never happens I will never recover.

February 18, 2010

Since I won't get the guy I want (at least for now) I've decided my next tactic will be to use the next guy. Get him right away to spend money on me. We go out? He buys everything. This will work especially with not so attractive guys. If he has money I'll have fun using him. Meanwhile he'll get no sex. Or if he does get sex it'll be because I've decided I want to marry him or get pregnant. Sure, I may not love him, but if he's stupid enough to go with this, then he deserves all the terrible he can get. Then he'll likely never want to date again after I cheat on him with some hot guy.

I should have done this years ago.

Classy and original.

February 18, 2010

Since I won't get the guy I want (at least for now) I've decided my next tactic will be to use the next guy. Get him right away to spend money on me. We go out? He buys everything. This will work especially with not so attractive guys. If he has money I'll have fun using him. Meanwhile he'll get no sex. Or if he does get sex it'll be because I've decided I want to marry him or get pregnant. Sure, I may not love him, but if he's stupid enough to go with this, then he deserves all the terrible he can get. Then he'll likely never want to date again after I cheat on him with some hot guy.

I should have done this years ago.

Fail.

February 18, 2010

Ok guys why the nasty comments still? Yes GG was being really crude in the OP, but please see how the thread has evolved. I don't mean to come down on those who are getting offended by the OP but clearly Greatgirlfriend was in a mood yesterday and she made this over the top thread. She is working through her stuff and the fact that she came out here looking to share what she was thinking shows she was reaching out rather than looking to actually do what she mentioned here yesterday.

There is no point in continuing with the nasty comments towards her, she was not thinking straight and posted what she did, but she is working through it. I think that deserves notice.

When we are deeply hurt we all get crazy thoughts, it just so happened she played hers out here for everyone to see.

Greatgirlfriend I noticed you posted at some point today or later last night that you canceled the date and want nothing to do with dating right now. That's a good thing. You don't have to date anyone now, nor will you be in the right frame of mind/heart to do so. It's ok to be alone for a bit when you are in transition.

February 18, 2010

I let them treat me like dirt because I wanted a boyfriend. I was desperate. It wasn't my fault I couldn't find others. I quit dating for years because of these jerks.

I'm still upset, especially if he doesn't want to become more than a friend. If he never comes around as more than a friend I know what will happen. I'll find a guy on the rebound and not really love him because I am pining for the one I want. It's happened before to me. There was another guy I liked, but he had no interest in dating. Instead I ended up with a guy who I never loved, but he loved me. The sad thing is he probably doesn't even know I never loved him because I broke his heart terribly (I was 22). Sounds terrible, but I've known for many years I wanted to be with the one and if it never happens I will never recover.

Let him go.

Let go of the past too.

The future can be different if you allow it to be different, if you allow yourself not to follow the very negative script you have about yourself and your love life.

You seem very narrative driven. Change the script. If you can afford it, a good behavioral cognitive therapist could help you dissociate from the negative voices in your head that tell you that history will only keep repeating itself. It could help you reinterpret your past so it stops looking like you are doomed. Once you detach from the negative interpretations of the past, you will be better equipped at making better decisions about the men in your life.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. But take some time to imagine 1) what kind of relationship you want and how you want it to feel: how do you want to be treated in this relationship? With love, devotion and respect? 2) Make a list of the traits a man would need to have in order to be able to establish a healthy relationship with you. 3) Take your time with the next few guys you date. See if they treat you right and if they are relationship material (and, very important, listen to what they say about wanting a relationship) before deciding that they are "the one you want". Let them take the lead. Do not emotionally invest in a man who is showing ambivalence. Do not emotionally invest in a man who isn't making it safe for you to do so.

February 18, 2010

Get out of your mind and get into your car beep beep, yeah. (as quoted by the infamous Billy Ocean).

February 18, 2010

If she is doing nothing but venting and is not planning on actually going through with it then I can be sympathetic because god know I do enough venting on here but I think the reaction from some people in this thread is because many guys have dealt with her type. They take all the rage from the situations they willingly jumped into time and time again and then feel it is their right to throw it in some innocent guy's face.

February 18, 2010

I find it bewildering that there was so much support for her, even before the "evolution". Bitter, vengeful women like greatgirlfriend give all women a bad name and I cannot begin to fathom why there is any support for her.

Let us be honest. Everybody here knows that this was not some random series of unfortunate events that befell her. She did this to herself. She is the only one to blame for what has happened in her life. Where is the call for personal responsibility?

I've had my heart broken many times and never would I dream of blaming all women for my problems. No sane person would. Frankly, Mountain had the right idea. I wouldn't shed a single goddamn tear if such a horrendous stain upon humanity were erased from the world.

February 18, 2010

Where is the call for personal responsibility?

You can reread my post, bayouboi's and many others. We all call for Greatgirlfriend to take responsibility.

Perhaps you skimmed the thread too quickly if you find it to be a "supportive" thread with no call for personal responsibility.

February 18, 2010

The thing is, I can't let him go, he's the one I've always wanted. He told me he wanted a relationship, but now he tells me he doesn't. Big difference from saying from the get go he didn't want one. If I don't end up with him, I'll probably end up with someone I don't love just to be with someone. That's how it goes. And no, I didn't do this to myself, he told me right away he wanted a relationship.

February 18, 2010

The thing is, I can't let him go, he's the one I've always wanted. He told me he wanted a relationship, but now he tells me he doesn't. Big difference from saying from the get go he didn't want one. If I don't end up with him, I'll probably end up with someone I don't love just to be with someone. That's how it goes. And no, I didn't do this to myself, he told me right away he wanted a relationship.

So just be friends with him...

You know, this post has on odd familiarity, almost one-goal'ish.

February 18, 2010

He said we'll be friends and he'll come to visit. I keep hoping that he was having a bad day because he's the one I want. I don't want anyone else. If I don't get him, then yes I will likely use a guy because this isn't fair to me.

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