I plan to use the next guy I date

[Twenty-ten]

She didn't come back into his life. This is what happened: I met him in 1994. At the time I was living with someone and we became friends. I moved into an apartment with a coworker and he came to visit. We stayed in touch for several years, including when I moved. Then about ten years ago I lost his number and we lost contact. I moved again in the meantime. I found his address online around 2005 but felt funny contacting him (though I wanted to). Around this time is when he met the gold digger. He moved to NY to be with her (having never met her before) and was briefly engaged. In the meantime he found out she was a gold digger and moved back home around 2006 (all in the space of 6 months). Then in December 2009 I happened to be surfing Facebook and found someone with the same name and it was him. We exchanged emails for a week then I got his phone number and we finally chatted December 19, 2009. We spoke often until I saw him three weeks ago. We had made plans to get together earlier, but we got hit with snow. Then I saw him and that's the story.

 

Thanks for explaining that it is a lot better to assess.

Misdirected anger happening here pretty much from the get-go and now you are thinking of continuing on that path of misdirection taking it out civilians along the way. C'mon!!

 

Ok well first things first:

 

1. when you could have been with him initially you were not available you had a boyfriend (assuming you meant boyfriend by living with someone? correct?)

 

2. you lost touch after you were available and hung out neither one made the effort to stay in touch

 

3. your life went on so did his

 

4. he meets gold digger as your life is going on at your side of things

 

5. you reconnect right around the time he is getting out of this messy situation with gold digger

 

6. you want to connect with him when he is dealing with a recent loss (gold digger or not, crazy pointless relationship or not) he did choose to be with her even got engaged, obviously there was "something" there for him.

 

7. he thinks he is ready to move on wants to start things with you

 

8. he changes his mind, maybe he does like you in a special way but he knows he is not in the right frame of mind to embark on something with you right now, he doesn't want to drag you down (trying to see the positive here after all he is messed up now it is his RESPONSIBILITY he got involved with her too it was not one sided on the side of the gold digger's)

 

9. you, instead of seeing what this guy is going through and giving him his space to recover from this mess (seeing as you have been friends for so long) you want to write off men and write him off blame his gold digging woman for your fate simply because things were actually aligned in YOUR favour now at this point in your lives but they didn't pan out? AND you want to go off and punish innocent bystanders for the simple fact they are men?

 

 

Read 1-9 until something clicks.

Edited February 17, 2010 by Twenty-ten

[FreeNow]

http://dirkmancuso.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/bunny-boiler.jpg

 

:bunny::bunny:

[sid3]

Just what the world needs, another maneater. I say go for it, chew em up and spit them out. When your done with them they'll be ready for some women hatin, ready to knockem up and leave em.

[alphamale]

Since I won't get the guy I want (at least for now) I've decided my next tactic will be to use the next guy. Get him right away to spend money on me. We go out? He buys everything. This will work especially with not so attractive guys. If he has money I'll have fun using him. Meanwhile he'll get no sex. Or if he does get sex it'll be because I've decided I want to marry him or get pregnant. Sure, I may not love him, but if he's stupid enough to go with this, then he deserves all the terrible he can get. Then he'll likely never want to date again after I cheat on him with some hot guy.

 

I should have done this years ago.

why u being so mean?

[greatgirlfriend]

Thanks for explaining that it is a lot better to assess.

Misdirected anger happening here pretty much from the get-go and now you are thinking of continuing on that path of misdirection taking it out civilians along the way. C'mon!!

 

Ok well first things first:

 

1. when you could have been with him initially you were not available you had a boyfriend (assuming you meant boyfriend by living with someone? correct?).

 

Right, at the time I had a boyfriend. I broke up with him several months later.

 

2. you lost touch after you were available and hung out neither one made the effort to stay in touch

 

No, we stayed in touch for several years when both were available. At the time I wasn't ready. I admit I was kind of mean to him because he wanted a relationship at the time and I did not.

 

3. your life went on so did his

 

Pretty much. I had some really bad things going on at that point in my life and kind of lost touch with many.

 

4. he meets gold digger as your life is going on at your side of things

 

Right, I was busy with my life and this is before we reconnected.

 

5. you reconnect right around the time he is getting out of this messy situation with gold digger

 

No, he dumped her in 2006 we didn't reconnect until December 2009.

 

6. you want to connect with him when he is dealing with a recent loss (gold digger or not, crazy pointless relationship or not) he did choose to be with her even got engaged, obviously there was "something" there for him.

 

I didn't know at the time he was with her, but I had gotten his address then. I didn't write him then though because I was fearful he might not want to hear from me. I finally found him online.

 

7. he thinks he is ready to move on wants to start things with you

 

Right.

 

8. he changes his mind, maybe he does like you in a special way but he knows he is not in the right frame of mind to embark on something with you right now, he doesn't want to drag you down (trying to see the positive here after all he is messed up now it is his RESPONSIBILITY he got involved with her too it was not one sided on the side of the gold digger's)

 

Sounds about right.

 

9. you, instead of seeing what this guy is going through and giving him his space to recover from this mess (seeing as you have been friends for so long) you want to write off men and write him off blame his gold digging woman for your fate simply because things were actually aligned in YOUR favour now at this point in your lives. AND you want to go off and punish innocent bystanders for the simple fact they are men?

 

I think I need to give him space in this respect. I know several years ago I got into a relationship with a con artist. It took me many years to fully recover. In fact my next relationship after the con artist was with the best boyfriend I ever had. I couldn't deal with a nice guy after the con artist, so I ended the relationship. I am still friends with this ex and he's now married and a father.

 

In a strange irony, he warned me about the con artist.

Edited February 17, 2010 by greatgirlfriend

[Hot Carl]

why u being so mean?

 

She's mad, Alpha.

[angelaM]

So between relationships, what's the longest you've been single? Or gone without dating anyone?

[Twenty-ten]

Ok great we have some progress, now you are thinking things through. I can tell you are hurting which is why I am willing to put in the time here with you so lets' work through this ok? Forget what people are piping to poke fun on. Focus on getting to a rational point where you can actually come out winning something positive out of this thread rather than the intention you started it with which does not benefit you in the least.

 

Right, at the time I had a boyfriend. I broke up with him several months later.

 

No, we stayed in touch for several years when both were available. At the time I wasn't ready. I admit I was kind of mean to him because he wanted a relationship at the time and I did not.

 

Ok fair enough you weren't ready he might have been, and I did understand correctly. At that time it was not happening from your end of things for whatever the case.

 

 

Pretty much. I had some really bad things going on at that point in my life and kind of lost touch with many.

 

 

Right, I was busy with my life and this is before we reconnected.

 

Sorry to hear that. Your life went on so did his, you rejected him first due to circumstances. You still with me here?

 

 

No, he dumped her in 2006 we didn't reconnect until December 2009.

 

This I am a bit confused about, if he dumped her in 2006 why did he change his mind about seeing you now, and how does goldigger coming back into his life have anything to do with the fact he retracted from going out with you now?

 

 

I didn't know at the time he was with her, but I had gotten his address then. I didn't write him then though because I was fearful he might not want to hear from me. I finally found him online.

 

You found him, you went looking for him, not the other way around. Keep this in mind for later...

 

 

 

I think I need to give him space in this respect. I know several years ago I got into a relationship with a con artist. It took me many years to fully recover. In fact my next relationship after the con artist was with the best boyfriend I ever had. I couldn't deal with a nice guy after the con artist, so I ended the relationship. I am still friends with this ex and he's now married and a father.

 

 

Ok now this is the "later" I was speaking of above....it's not a tit-for-tat countdown here but look back at the pattern of your relationship (or lack there of) with this guy, due to one reason or another you both were not able to make this happen over the years. At times it was him, other times it was you. SO my point is that if at this point in his life it is not the correct timing for him, you can't direct all this anger at him or his ex because it just so happened to be a good time for you. Furthermore, how is making some innocent bystander guy pay for your missed encounters with this guy, going to relate in any shape way or form back to what you have gone through?

It makes no sense Greatgirlfriend.

 

The best thing you have said so far was what I bolded here last. If you want to give him space then do it but you can't sit on the sidelines saying to yourself "if this prick doesn't come back to me ready to pick this up, some other prick is going down" You have to take responsibility for your actions and decisions. If you wait for him or give him space and put your own life on hold at this point, it is fully knowing that it is a risk you must take for love. Not a trade off for innocent bystanders to pay for your negative results in love.

 

I seriously hope you were joking all along here. But I do understand your frustration.

 

Has he mislead you in any way now?

[skydiveaddict]

She's mad, Alpha.

 

True and very hurt

[Pink Cupcakes]

Wow, you get to sleep with a guy you're not attracted to and possibly have his child. Sounds fun.

[Jaytb]

so you want to be a part of the very problem you seem to hate? you want to perpetuate the cycle that has prevented you from getting the guy you like? Sounds very slash and burn to me.

[soulm8]

Some people are attracted to the victim mentality but healthy, well adjusted people generally are repulsed by victims.

 

Come on! You reconnected in Dec 2009 for crying out loud. You allowed yourself to get swept away by your own emotions, needs, agenda, etc. and ignored the red flags along the way.

 

Stop the tantrum already. Soak in a bubble bath and don't forget to take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. Please

[skydiveaddict]

Good Lord! Just everybody back off. Her heart is broken. Give her a break already!

[greatgirlfriend]

Ok great we have some progress, now you are thinking things through. I can tell you are hurting which is why I am willing to put in the time here with you so lets' work through this ok? Forget what people are piping to poke fun on. Focus on getting to a rational point where you can actually come out winning something positive out of this thread rather than the intention you started it with which does not benefit you in the least.

 

 

 

Ok fair enough you weren't ready he might have been, and I did understand correctly. At that time it was not happening from your end of things for whatever the case.

 

 

 

 

Sorry to hear that. Your life went on so did his, you rejected him first due to circumstances. You still with me here?

 

 

 

 

This I am a bit confused about, if he dumped her in 2006 why did he change his mind about seeing you now, and how does goldigger coming back into his life have anything to do with the fact he retracted from going out with you now?

 

 

 

 

You found him, you went looking for him, not the other way around. Keep this in mind for later...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok now this is the "later" I was speaking of above....it's not a tit-for-tat countdown here but look back at the pattern of your relationship (or lack there of) with this guy, due to one reason or another you both were not able to make this happen over the years. At times it was him, other times it was you. SO my point is that if at this point in his life it is not the correct timing for him, you can't direct all this anger at him or his ex because it just so happened to be a good time for you. Furthermore, how is making some innocent bystander guy pay for your missed encounters with this guy, going to relate in any shape way or form back to what you have gone through?

It makes no sense Greatgirlfriend.

 

The best thing you have said so far was what I bolded here last. If you want to give him space then do it but you can't sit on the sidelines saying to yourself "if this prick doesn't come back to me ready to pick this up, some other prick is going down" You have to take responsibility for your actions and decisions. If you wait for him or give him space and put your own life on hold at this point, it is fully knowing that it is a risk you must take for love. Not a trade off for innocent bystanders to pay for your negative results in love.

 

I seriously hope you were joking all along here. But I do understand your frustration.

 

 

Has he mislead you in any way now?

 

No, she never came back into the picture, he's still recovering from his hurt. He did mislead me thinking that he was ready for a relationship now. In fact he brought it up now by asking if I was dating anyone, then that's when he told me about her. I admit we didn't get together early because of me, and we lost contact because of me. No, I'm not putting my life on hold for him because he may never be able to date.

[bananaboat11]

holy crap.. i hope this post was a satire

[Pink Cupcakes]

But how is sleeping with some guy you're not attracted to going to make you feel better?

[Twenty-ten]

No, she never came back into the picture, he's still recovering from his hurt. He did mislead me thinking that he was ready for a relationship now. In fact he brought it up now by asking if I was dating anyone, then that's when he told me about her. I admit we didn't get together early because of me, and we lost contact because of me. No, I'm not putting my life on hold for him because he may never be able to date.

 

The heart is a tricky thing the mind says yes sometimes but heart says no and you don't know this until you try unfortunately and someone does get hurt along the way. It is a risk we all take.

 

Ok that is your decision, that you will not put your life on hold for him, then DON'T put your life on hold for him. That entails moving on when you are ready to move on and getting involved with a guy when you are ready to be there for them emotionally and physically. This also means no wasting your time or a guy's, using and abusing them.

 

It's understandable that you would feel frustrated and somewhat disillusioned especially if you had your hopes up this time around, but believe me if this feels bad now you don't know how much worse it will feel after you go out with men you don't really care about and who you only scheme to abuse and use. It will make you feel the lowest. That's not you. That's not the answer.

 

Believe it or not it is rare that people set out to intentionally and maliciously hurt others in relationships, things don't work out because of the dynamics that develop not because people scheme to hurt and destroy others. Like in the case of the con artist yes there are some people who are just sick minded, but for the most part people are not like that. I am not saying this because I am some kind of Pollyanna either, it's just natural to assume everyone is out to do us wrong when we are hurting but easy to see once we come out of pain that people don't set out to intentionally hurt.

[Chicago_Guy]

Men have to be taught a lesson. If I can't have the one I want, I don't want anyone else. This is their punishment for doing all their trash to me. Screw all men who took advantage because my victim will get it in spades.

 

First, we'll meet then I'll tell them only fancy restaurants will do. Of course they will pay for the meal and I'll order expensive. Then I'll tell them I expect presents. You get the idea. Several months later I'll tell them that if they want sex they have to buy me a nice engagement ring otherwise I won't stay. These guys will pay for the ones who screwed me over. It's also punishing God because of what he did to me.

 

So who do you think screwed you over here? The last guy didn't even want to have sex with you and then dumped you, based on what you wrote here. How did that guy "take advantage" of you? You made it seem like he just didn't want you, but he wasn't taking advantage of you.

[greatgirlfriend]

He didn't take advantage but other guys did.

[Mr White]

Hm, I'd happily pay for lavish dinners and engagement ring, just to have sex with you and then dump you . It'll be expensive, but it'd be worth it to make a point. Just some food for thought. You see what am I gettin' at? Ha!

[Twenty-ten]

Hm, I'd happily pay for lavish dinners and engagement ring, just to have sex with you and then dump you . It'll be expensive, but it'd be worth it to make a point. Just some food for thought. You see what am I gettin' at? Ha!

 

Yes but the point is that it is experiences such as that one you one just described that got her to this point of feeling like she wants to pay back. How is your comment driving any point home other than she is right to feel what she is feeling?

[Mr White]

Yes but the point is that it is experiences such as that one you one just described that got her to this point of feeling like she wants to pay back. How is your comment driving any point home other than she is right to feel what she is feeling?

 

The point is that she can't "win" with this attitude. She will end up even more f*cked in the head than now, with even worse dating results. That's all.

[greatgirlfriend]

The heart is a tricky thing the mind says yes sometimes but heart says no and you don't know this until you try unfortunately and someone does get hurt along the way. It is a risk we all take.

 

Ok that is your decision, that you will not put your life on hold for him, then DON'T put your life on hold for him. That entails moving on when you are ready to move on and getting involved with a guy when you are ready to be there for them emotionally and physically. This also means no wasting your time or a guy's, using and abusing them.

 

It's understandable that you would feel frustrated and somewhat disillusioned especially if you had your hopes up this time around, but believe me if this feels bad now you don't know how much worse it will feel after you go out with men you don't really care about and who you only scheme to abuse and use. It will make you feel the lowest. That's not you. That's not the answer.

 

Believe it or not it is rare that people set out to intentionally and maliciously hurt others in relationships, things don't work out because of the dynamics that develop not because people scheme to hurt and destroy others. Like in the case of the con artist yes there are some people who are just sick minded, but for the most part people are not like that. I am not saying this because I am some kind of Pollyanna either, it's just natural to assume everyone is out to do us wrong when we are hurting but easy to see once we come out of pain that people don't set out to intentionally hurt.

 

 

I know he thought he was ready, but he's not ready now. Maybe he will be in a few months, or years, or never. It hurts because I thought he was the one. I even started having dreams about weddings, things I never do. I have a history of terrible boyfriends and in many cases it's not my fault. Many of the guys I liked never liked me, so I'd go out with any guy who wanted me. Others hurt me so bad that I'm surprised I recovered. I'd be willing to date other guys, but if I run into the same problems again? It hurts. It hurts that everyone I know is married except me. It hurts that people have a partner and I don't. I feel I have to hurt some guy to make up for those who hurt me. Cruel, yes but it's happened to me so much that I want to hurt some guy.

[Thebob]

Now this is why guys are sick of girls that do this type of crap. you suck.

 

Thebob

[2sunny]

He didn't take advantage but other guys did.

 

no, YOU allowed them to take advantage of you... this is the way YOU participate... it makes it easy for you to throw a pity party for yourself. see what YOU do to YOURSELF?