Yaneko Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) Well guys I'm back. I've been quite happy the last 9 months and this just hit me like a ton of bricks. Just a brief summary I've been with my S/O since last May of 2009 and I moved in with him the beginning of this month. I tried signing into my GMail account but it had automatically signed me in to his on accident. First email I glanced at was "You have new matches for February!" I clicked it and saw the sign up date..... He signed up for a dating site when we were 3-4 months into the relationship. Around August. I had both feet into the relationship and I thought he did too. I was quite happy being with him, especially recently. We've been so much closer. We were both working alot back then and I felt like I had done everything I could to see him more. He says I am his first GF and I had no idea what to expect.....He tells me it was because of my ex and other guys... he said I made him jealous at times and he didn't think the relationship was gonna last long. On my behalf I was thinking positively and hoping to be with him for quite a while. I feel like saying it was because he didn't think I liked him as much as he liked me was an excuse to look for a new GF. I gave him no reason to think that! And to top it off he reassured me back then that I had nothing to worry about, yet he still looked at that site. though I do need to keep in mind he just looked, he didn't message anyone... he set up a profile saying he was looking for a woman for dating and his status was set to not single/? .....I am so confused and I probably shouldn't feel as hurt as I am... but the whole thing makes me feel expendable or replaceable... just really ****ing worthless. I thought he was as happy as I was back then and I guess he was not. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up for it... because our relationship changed so much over the last 6 months. But it still sucks to know he looked around. I would actually be more understanding almost to him looking at porn. He says he considers it cheating, but I consider signing up for a dating site and making a profile when we were already dating the verge of cheating more than anything. Why would a guy tell you that you have nothing to worry about and only have one foot in and one foot out? I gave him no reason to believe I didn't have both feet into the relationship. Also having questions fo through my head like mad....Such as should I be hurt by it when it was 3 months into the relationship? It would have been a lot better if it had been like the first month or something. And If we hit a speed bump again down the road, should I be suspicious about him doing it again? Would he have dumped me first before persueing any girls on that website? Was he unsure about me and might've been losing interest? And the one that pisses me off to all hell and hurts the most: Why would he reassure me that we are exclusive and I had nothing to worry about, when I really DID have to worry about it, that he was looking for someone new? Oh and one more thing. Should I feel a betrayal of trust for that? :S The last... maybe 3 months I've trusted him more than anyone I know, so I won't know if he really means it when he says I have nothing to worry about now. .......I feel completely ****ed up emotionally right now and I am living with him and I can't seem to get myself to budge to hug/cuddle/play fight or tell him I love you or whatever else because of this anger and sadness I have that I am dwelling on from it - All the things we did the last two weeks I have moved in here I can't seem to do. How do you move past something like this? :( Edited February 16, 2010 by Yaneko
Author Yaneko Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Well I told him this.... after much thought on it. The facts are I AM his first girlfriend... maybe he didn't know what he wanted back then? I'm trying to come to terms with this. I just want things back the way they were. I've been so damn happy the last two weeks since I moved in. I told him via text that I need to rebuild my trust with him and that I am going to worry if he were to look around again if we hit another speed bump. I also told him, "i hope the rest of your shift goes smoothly. im sorry I took it so hard last night. and Remember that you mean the world ta me!" ...I guess we'll see how it goes.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 How do you know he hasn't met up with anyone or isn't actively using the site? Because he says so? I'd look further into this.
Author Yaneko Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) You're right cannedstarfish. It does feel like practically cheating. And I don't know if he's actively looking on the site. He said he deleted it and changed his email. He really did delete it. There's no way to know for sure that he won't do it again... I'm stuck in a really weird living situation. I should be living with my folks over in Idaho, but I'm living with my BF and his mom. His mom says to let it go... he said he was sorry, he is agonizing over it. I feel like she is siding with him. I keep replaying scenerios in my head for August, "why he did it"... He says he can't really explain why. There were times back then were he said he felt jealous and had to worry about me and my ex (even though I was both feet in, in the relationship) since me and my ex became friends again. But I feel like it was an excuse. I feel like the reason he did it was because he was curious, was getting bored of me, and wanted to look around for better. I don't feel very welcome at this house right now... and may be taking a plane out to Idaho to get away. I wish he understood how much this hurt me and that it's not that easy to forgive and "let go" when he was looking to replace me. EDIT: To put it exactly what he said, he said there were things making him doubt we were going to be together for much longer. Me bringing up my ex and guy friends unintentionally said it made him think things.. and it gave him ideas in his head and they kinda snowballed together. He said he thought I would also be getting tired of his work schedule. (my question is if it was ME getting tired of the schedule, shouldn't I be the one looking for a new guy?) Anyway that's his reason. As much as I want to believe it, I feel anger and can't seem to. Edited February 17, 2010 by Yaneko
Bejita463 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I feel like she is siding with him. Duh? may be taking a plane out to Idaho to get away. Good idea. To put it exactly what he said, he said there were things making him doubt we were going to be together for much longer. Me bringing up my ex and guy friends unintentionally said it made him think things.. and it gave him ideas in his head and they kinda snowballed together. That... actually makes a weird kind of sense. It's still wrong though. Also, probably a lie of justification.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I assume you mean he deleted it once you confronted him with it. They wouldn't continue to send him emails with people's profiles if he really did delete his account. And why would he need to change his email address on the account if he deleted it? Sorry, something isn't right here.
Author Yaneko Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 No, I meant he deleted the dating profile two days after I confronted him about it. Last night. This happened on the 15th. He said last night he was going to start fresh and delete his account, and email, and make a new email. Bejita463, I think you might be right. I think he might just be trying to justify it by saying that. Which I had hoped wasn't the case, but probably is. Definitely doing the Idaho trip thing. His mom said I was welcome back, but right now I can't even get over the anger. I can't even get myself to treat him normally or even bring myself to say "I love you"
Bejita463 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I can't even get over the anger. I can't even get myself to treat him normally or even bring myself to say "I love you" He doesn't deserve any different. Feel bad about the situation, but don't feel bad about your reaction. YOU haven't done wrong here. He has. Remember that.
make me believe Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I would be pretty devastated if I found out my bf had signed up for a dating site three months into our relationship. Especially since you two were exclusive, there is NO excuse for that. I can kinda believe him that he did it because he was jealous of you becoming friends with your ex. It probably made him feel better to know that if you dumped him for your ex, he had other options. But that does NOT make it ok!! That is an extremely immature & unhealthy response to his jealous feelings. What he should have done - if these are really the reasons he signed up for the site - is gone to you with his concerns & feelings. Not started trolling for a new gf "just in case"! And whether he was active on the site or not, he still kept the account open until you found out about it. So for the past SIX MONTHS he has had an account open on a dating site. Come on! There is no justification for that! And it's not as though he could have forgotten about it since they are still sending him emails. I don't think this is something I could get past, personally. If he'd just taken a look at the site once or twice during a big fight...maybe. But opening an account 3 months into the relationship and keeping it open until you found out about it? No way.
artchick88 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Leave him leave him leave him. Everyone deserves to be with someone who thinks they are the best, and since he was looking for back-up options, he doesn't feel this way about you. He may love you, but not in that "meant to be together forever" type way. Keep looking, someone better is out there.
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I've BTDT, except my BF at the time would never admit he did it. The first time, he deleted it after I confronted him. Then he set up another one, and another one, and by the time we finally split he had about ten profiles out there, some on really sleazy sites, all the while proclaiming his love for me and scorning others who cheat. He became emotionally and verbally abusive. By the time we split I hardly cared anymore. It's hard to tell if yours will be the same way, but living with it constantly on your mind can ruin your entire relationship.
Author Yaneko Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I can't imagine leaving him. He means too much to me. Even if it's "not meant to be together forever" I can hope he redeems himself and prove to me that we can get over this. I have booked a flight on Saturday to go to Idaho to be with family. Some space apart might do us some good.
Bejita463 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I can't imagine leaving him. He means too much to me. That'll teach him that you have too much self respect to accept being cheated on.
lordWilhelm Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) It's up to you to decide if you give him another chance, and it seems you do want to give him another chance. But I think it's most important that you stand up for yourself, and he needs to understand this is very serious. You mentioned texting to him about it. Have you had a serious discussion about it? What concerns me most is that from the descriptions you're giving it seems he's not genuinely sorry about it, but rather trying to justify himself and that's not good enough -- and you shouldn't accept that. I think it's great that you're going back home for a while, and that will help you pull away from the pressure he and his mom are exerting on you, and get your head cleared up. Take your time back home. When (and if!) you choose to go back, you need to have a very serious discussion with him and make it clear how you feel about this and that you won't put up with this kind of behaviour. But on the other hand, if you give him another chance don't let this poison the relationship in the future -- don't bring this up at every opportunity, and don't let this be constantly on your mind. If he does it again, then you know that he hasn't gotten the message, and you know what to expect from him in the future. Edited February 18, 2010 by lordWilhelm
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