Ilovecake Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 this is a two parter and sorry it's a bit long. This question pops up on here a lot. I was sort of thinking about this last night and noticed one of the indicators for me was that the anger lasted less and less time. When we first broke up he would do something and it would leave me effected for days, sometimes weeks. Now when he does something to anger me, it just swims right through me. I still get mad but 5 minutes later I'm on to something else and I'm not falling into despair. The second part of this is me trying to get my feelings straight. I need some input if possible. Hatred. As far as breakups I’ve been pretty lucky. The relationships that were important to me always either ended amicably or I was the dumper. Not only that but the men seemed to all move out of town after so NC was a breeze. The last one was the only shocker where I was dumped out of the blue. I think partly the ego damage is why I’m having a much harder time getting over it. Also my age, I’m 39 and afraid I will not find that ever lasting love. It’s been almost a year and a half since we broke up. Unfortunately we have the same friends and run into each other once in a while. This is the point I’m at: I can handle seeing him and his girlfriend together, I feel no longing to be with him, I don’t think I feel any jealousy, I totally see now how awful of a boyfriend he was, I don’t think about him daily unless I see him or someone brings him up. I would say I’m pretty much on my way to being healed of the monster. The one thing however is that I feel this overwhelming, excruciating hatred towards him. This makes me think I’m obviously not a 100% over it. He does however contribute to this feeling as he does certain things to make sure I know info about his life. It’s all very minor but he makes sure I get the message. He sent me a few texts I did not reply to so now he’s on a rampage all over facebook pages he hasn’t even posted in a year on but that he knows I frequent. Here is an example: He always told me how much he hated museums and art, which is something I enjoy doing. Now I see him posting on my friend’s facebook asking her what museums he and his girlfriend should visit when he’s in her city. The other thing was when we lived together I wanted to buy a car and he said it would be too expensive and not necessary in the city and absolutely put his foot down about it. Now he’s bragging to everyone about his and his girlfriend’s car. I know he’s partly doing this because he knows I will see it and he always got off on torturing me. It makes me want to hunt him down and scratch his eyes out. I can actually feel it in my brain, this excruciating anger and hatred. How do I get rid of this awful feeling? It’s the only thing keeping me connected to him still and I don’t want it. I want so badly to just feel indifferent.
skydiveaddict Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 How do I get rid of this awful feeling? It’s the only thing keeping me connected to him still and I don’t want it. I want so badly to just feel indifferent. STOP looking @ his fb page. That's the only way to get rid of your "awful" feeling. I absolutely DETEST fb for just this reason
sean1970 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I know he’s partly doing this because he knows I will see it and he always got off on torturing me. It makes me want to hunt him down and scratch his eyes out. I can actually feel it in my brain, this excruciating anger and hatred. Instead of anger, find the humor and chuckle at how petty and transparent he is.
Author Ilovecake Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 STOP looking @ his fb page. That's the only way to get rid of your "awful" feeling. I absolutely DETEST fb for just this reason I don't EVER look at his facebook page. He's posting on my friends' pages. I did block him this morning so that's one avenue he can't get to me through. He is however around at parties and other social functions and he says things extra loud when around me so I can hear it and other stupid stuff. He also sends me messages which I don't anwser and that seems to egg him on to do this stuff even more. Believe me I take every precaution to be around him as little as possible. I've been doing this for a year now.
Author Ilovecake Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Instead of anger, find the humor and chuckle at how petty and transparent he is. See Sean that's exactly how I want to feel but I don't know how to go about turning it from this red hot hatred into pity or humor or whatever. Anything would feel better than this awful burning feeling.
sean1970 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 See Sean that's exactly how I want to feel but I don't know how to go about turning it from this red hot hatred into pity or humor or whatever. Anything would feel better than this awful burning feeling. What exactly do you 'hate'?
Author Ilovecake Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I guess I hate that he's still trying to get to me and the fact that I'm allowing him to get to me, but I don't know how to stop letting him get to me. I tell myself he's an idiot and an immature SOB, so why do I care what he does? He's not going to leave me be in peace so I need to find a way to live with this or dump all my friends and start a whole new life where he can't find me. That makes me mad. The other problem is that he’s being so underhanded and sneaky that this could all be dismissed as my paranoia but I know him like the back of my hand and I know he’s doing a lot of this for my benefit. I’ve seen him do it to other people soooo many times. It's like the museum thing I mentioned above. I was just burning with anger today when I saw that because of all those times he refused to go to a museum with me and now he's asking our friends for museum suggestions for his trip with his girlfriend. The weird thing is I'm not fazed by the fact that he's going on a trip with her. I actually feel a little sorry for the girl. It’s the fact that he’s making this public announcement that he’s willing to do stuff for her he would never do for me. I really truly do not want the guy back in any capacity in my life as a matter of fact I can adamantly say that he repulses me. I wish he would just disappear. I used to get mad at him like this in the beginning because against my wishes he made a public announcement to our friends the first time we slept together. I'm a pretty private person and I was horrified that he bragged about that. Now I'm horrified that he is making sure I know stuff he thinks will upset me. He uses bragging as a weapon.
sedgwick Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I'm about to be 39 and am still single too, but unlike you I'm now in my third year of mourning my last relationship. I still love my ex as much as I did the day he walked out the door. So, good for you that you're not still where I am!! It seems QUITE obvious your ex is still thinking about you and writing all this stuff on your friends' pages to get to you. I recently facebook-friended a friend of my ex, the one person I met through him that I really missed, and I've made a few comments on her page but they have NOTHING to do with him. I don't write things hoping he sees them. I have enough dignity not to do that. Your ex, it would seem, does not. You should feel sorry for him for being so pathetic! I was with a guy six years ago who was an abusive jerk, but I was snowed by his charm and upset when he left. Then, over the next year, I started to realize just how much of a jackass he was and to have this burning hatred toward him. It was when that hate dissipated that I knew I was truly over him. Now I'm just glad he lives in another city so I never have to run into him, and other than that I don't give a damn about him. I definitely wonder what I EVER saw in him! You'll get there, don't worry. The first step is seeing how pathetic he is!
sean1970 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I guess I hate that he's still trying to get to me and the fact that I'm allowing him to get to me, but I don't know how to stop letting him get to me. How is it that you are 'noticing' anything he does? How is this information about him and his status/actions getting to you? If you are actively looking, why? If it is from mutual friends, have you told them to zip it about him? If he is telling you, why are you talking to him? The other problem is that he’s being so underhanded and sneaky that this could all be dismissed as my paranoia but I know him like the back of my hand and I know he’s doing a lot of this for my benefit. I’ve seen him do it to other people soooo many times. He is not being 'underhanded and sneaky' if he is living his life. I'm not defending the man, but he has every right to live it as he sees fit. You getting angry about it is pointless and counter productive to your own happiness.
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