Is this worth ignoring/overlooking? Or major red flag?

[D-Lish]

I think it's healthy to be able to maintain a friendship with an ex, but not to the extent where it gets in the way of a relationship with the person you claim to love.

 

When you're in a relationship with someone, there has to be compromise on both sides. Surely, your bf can reschedule one night to go to a party with you! You shouldn't feel bad for hoping your bf is going to make an appearance with you at your friend's b-day, because that's what people in relationships do!

[Crazy Magnet]

I will stand my my previous assertions that she needs to start coming to the group events if she wants to see you that bad and shelve Tuesdays until I'm more comfortable with her, or meet on Tuesdays at either my house or a friend's house in addition to coming to other group events. To me, it's her job to make me feel comfortable enough to allow the friendship to continue, not the other way around. My relationship with you is completely legit, I have nothing to prove. She has everything to prove (and you as well).

 

Can anyone speak to this compromise? Is it out of line? Reasonable? Can anyone anticipate possible issues or arguments he would have to this?

[Crazy Magnet]

I think it's healthy to be able to maintain a friendship with an ex, but not to the extent where it gets in the way of a relationship with the person you claim to love.

 

When you're in a relationship with someone, there has to be compromise on both sides. Surely, your bf can reschedule one night to go to a party with you! You shouldn't feel bad for hoping your bf is going to make an appearance with you at your friend's b-day, because that's what people in relationships do!

 

 

No, I should NOT feel bad, but I do, b/c he has repeatedly made clear that he hangs with her on TUESDAYS. It's like she lays some claim to that day or something.

 

I spent an entire day agonizing over whether I should even ask him to skip his precious evening with her. That's just messed up! I should never question who my BF will pick to hang out with for a special occasion vs. watching TV. Again, I have tried to explain this to him, the way it makes me feel and was met with mostly a stare of lots of thought and little sharing of the thoughts.

 

I would bet money that he claims the last GF was "crazy" when in fact she was only doing the same things I am and he doesn't want to admit it was his behavior which caused her to act this way. If we end up breaking up I bet he'll try to label me as "crazy" for the same thing.

[Ruby Slippers]

Very weird, and unacceptable in my book.

 

My last boyfriend was friends with pretty much all his exes, and I met some of them. But if he hung out with them, I was almost always there, too, or I was invited. It would have raised a big flag if he were regularly hanging out with one of them alone.

[Kamille]

Can anyone speak to this compromise? Is it out of line? Reasonable? Can anyone anticipate possible issues or arguments he would have to this?

 

It is a good compromise CM and it shows that you are open to negotiation on this issue.

 

It really bugs me that he doesn't even want to try and understand your point of view.

 

Could you start from there? Point out that you are looking for a compromise that would work for the both of you and then say: "sweetie, put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel?"

[EYECANDY000]

its like they are co- depending on each other. this situation is totalling unhealthy. Although you stated not to add that they are cheating and to direct it to the cheating thread, I absolutely think they are emotionally cheating. I dont think you are out of line about your demands. And i dont understand why he wont just compromise since he knows that its obviously a problem in this relationship and any past and present relationships.

 

Clearly you arent out of line, so what are you planning on doing about the situation? it seems like either you have to deal with it, or leave.

[Chitowngirl]

He sounds like my ex fiance. Trust me, your bf has major issues, stemming from being an extreme people pleaser, completely selfish, and from him putting your feelings/concerns down by calling you insecure and jealous..there will be more put-downs in the near future I assure you. He is a mess and I wouldn't waste your time on him. I've been there and wish I could take the whole 1.5 yrs of my life and shove it down a garbage disposal.

 

 

Alright, I've really gotten myself to thinking thanks to a couple of threads on here. Here's my situation and my thoughts about it. To put it into context this guy is mid 30's, never married, no kids, but several 2 and 3 year LTRs.

 

So I met this guy. He was upfront and said he remained "friends" with a few of his ex girlfriends. I said ok. (Note to self, always ask for more clarification on the definition of friends.)

 

Fast forward. He goes one night every week to hang out with a female friend. He says to me one day, I didn't have fun at the friend's place tonight b/c she was cranky. The reason was that I was spending so much time with you. (He has later tried to go back and say this is not what he meant or said, but it was enough to make my brain go ah hah!)

 

I asked him if he ever dated her, and he said yes. They dated for two years and broke up about 10 years ago. Went through the awkward phase, and then became friends. She has not dated anyone else since him, so this has never been an issue from her side. He tells me that he is the only friend she ever really hangs out with. She never comes to the groups events that my BF and I go to which take place on two other nights every week. She is invited every week. He tells me her social anxiety keeps her away (yet she can go to her job every day but not go hang out with friends she has known for 15 years???)

 

He never toned down the time spent with her when we started dating. He never invited me along even though the girl he dated before me had HUGE problems with it, so he knew it had the potential to be a huge problem. I brought up the situation once I knew they had dated and insisted on meeting her and insisted that he not go alone to her house anymore (on what planet is that ever acceptable????!!!!????). I waited about two weeks, still didn't meet her, and invited myself along to their next hang out.

 

She was nice enough but I'm still uncomfortable with it. So I revisited the topic last night. For me, I don't ever want to consider getting in a serious R with the potential for marriage with a guy who insists on date night every week with an ex gf. He tried to tell me he shouldn't have to limit hanging out with her b/c of my jealousy and insecurities.

 

He said his other girlfriends in the past have thought it was really weird at first, but then eventually got over it. They all later broke up with him for one reason or another. But he's never really given me the reasons. He always just says the relationships were never bad, they just weren't compatible enough for marriage.

 

I have never asked him to end the friendship. I have asked that instead of meeting up with her EVERY week, that they catch up over lunch every couple of weeks and otherwise just talk on the phone.

 

Am I nuts? Am I out of line in my compromise? Would any women be ok with this from their BF? Would any many be ok if this was their GF doing the same thing? Would anybody ever marry a guy or girl if everything else about him was perfect except this ONE thing? Would you ever do this to a person you claim to love? Would you ever change your behavior to keep the person you say you love?

 

Is there any other plausible (not cheating) explanation to justify this behavior? Has anyone ever been in the same situation (but from his side) and can you explain your reasons for not accommodating your SO and what happened in the end?

 

If you have manged to read this far, please don't start throwing out "he's cheating on you" crap b/c physically he is NOT cheating on me. You are welcome to discuss emotional forms of cheating however.

[Crazy Magnet]

I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. I guess all this talk on the board and talk with my friends lit a fire under my ass to go ahead and deal with this issue. So I sat him down again tonight for another chat. Albeit a much better laid out one thanks to a lot of the comments here.

 

I asked him some very pertinent questions: Did he think it was ok for an engaged man or woman to have a weekly ritual with an ex? Did he think it was ok for a married man or woman to have a weekly ritual with an ex?

 

His immediate reaction was that it was not ok for a married person to have this type of relationship, he sort of waffled on the engaged person. I asked him if he honestly felt saying the vows made it not ok, or if he thought when two people began to move in the direction of marriage if it became unacceptable b/c what you get engaged to is often what you get. I asked how he expected a woman to believe he would cut it off after vows if he was unwilling to show her that he would do that BEFORE the vows. I'm not sure if all my beating of this dead horse paid off or what.

 

I only used "I" words, as in I feel, it makes me feel this, etc.

 

The end result. He cut off Tuesdays until further notice....meaning, until I was comfortable with it. I even told him she was on my list of evil horrible people b/c she was making no effort to get to know me or to ease my fears about the relationship and he said ok, I'm not going to defend her or anything she has done or not done. (jaw dropping for me).

 

He did say that he didn't know if after careful consideration he would think it was ok for a married person to do this, but that his gut said no. I admit, I totally used a line from He's Just Not That Into You....I blurted out that although he probably thought he and his ex gf were the exception, he was indeed the rule if he was in my world.

 

I also explained to him why my boundaries were where they are (super awful exH, super crappy BF after that, another super crappy BF). He claimed to understand and said he was willing to accommodate that b/c I was important to him.

 

I explained how he and this exGF got off on the wrong foot by not toning down their relationship when we decided to be exclusive and that she had further made it awkward by not making any efforts to get to know me, flaking out whenever I was supposed to be there, etc. I explained that at his age, I expected mature adult decisions regarding relationships with ex's and that this was more high school behavior. All this insisting he has to see her every week. He said in his world, he didn't care if I hung out with exBFs without ever meeting them first b/c he thought it was ok for him to do it also. Yeah, I told him he was nuts, in the minority, and for 99% of the population this arrangement was uncool and again, he was not the exception to anything, but he was in fact the rule.

 

I do believe I about fell out of the car in complete shock and awe. We were meeting for my friends bday party so we had to cut the conversation off.

 

Her reaction to this will likely be very telling. Will she make the effort to be my real friend? Will she let go of him for his own happiness? Will she cling to her life line? Oh so many questions that only time will answer.

 

For now, I'm in a state of shock. These things have never worked out in my favor before, I'm half looking for the catch!

[Chitowngirl]

I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. I guess all this talk on the board and talk with my friends lit a fire under my ass to go ahead and deal with this issue. So I sat him down again tonight for another chat. Albeit a much better laid out one thanks to a lot of the comments here.

 

I asked him some very pertinent questions: Did he think it was ok for an engaged man or woman to have a weekly ritual with an ex? Did he think it was ok for a married man or woman to have a weekly ritual with an ex?

 

His immediate reaction was that it was not ok for a married person to have this type of relationship, he sort of waffled on the engaged person. I asked him if he honestly felt saying the vows made it not ok, or if he thought when two people began to move in the direction of marriage if it became unacceptable b/c what you get engaged to is often what you get. I asked how he expected a woman to believe he would cut it off after vows if he was unwilling to show her that he would do that BEFORE the vows. I'm not sure if all my beating of this dead horse paid off or what.

 

I only used "I" words, as in I feel, it makes me feel this, etc.

 

The end result. He cut off Tuesdays until further notice....meaning, until I was comfortable with it. I even told him she was on my list of evil horrible people b/c she was making no effort to get to know me or to ease my fears about the relationship and he said ok, I'm not going to defend her or anything she has done or not done. (jaw dropping for me).

 

He did say that he didn't know if after careful consideration he would think it was ok for a married person to do this, but that his gut said no. I admit, I totally used a line from He's Just Not That Into You....I blurted out that although he probably thought he and his ex gf were the exception, he was indeed the rule if he was in my world.

 

I also explained to him why my boundaries were where they are (super awful exH, super crappy BF after that, another super crappy BF). He claimed to understand and said he was willing to accommodate that b/c I was important to him.

 

I explained how he and this exGF got off on the wrong foot by not toning down their relationship when we decided to be exclusive and that she had further made it awkward by not making any efforts to get to know me, flaking out whenever I was supposed to be there, etc. I explained that at his age, I expected mature adult decisions regarding relationships with ex's and that this was more high school behavior. All this insisting he has to see her every week. He said in his world, he didn't care if I hung out with exBFs without ever meeting them first b/c he thought it was ok for him to do it also. Yeah, I told him he was nuts, in the minority, and for 99% of the population this arrangement was uncool and again, he was not the exception to anything, but he was in fact the rule.

 

I do believe I about fell out of the car in complete shock and awe. We were meeting for my friends bday party so we had to cut the conversation off.

 

Her reaction to this will likely be very telling. Will she make the effort to be my real friend? Will she let go of him for his own happiness? Will she cling to her life line? Oh so many questions that only time will answer.

 

For now, I'm in a state of shock. These things have never worked out in my favor before, I'm half looking for the catch!

 

I went through this same thing with my ex. We sat down and had a chat about his relationships with his ex, he agreed to do everything I said. I was elated! But then..a few months later she got laid off from the place they both worked, so she called him and that set the whole thing on fire again with her contacting him with texts, etc etc etc! She was a pain in my ass from the VERY beginning of our relationship and she was still there almost 2 years later, even after he wrote her a letter saying their relationship was inappropriate, etc. So..I have a feeling this is not over for you.

[Crazy Magnet]

Oh I've been down that "she's gone" road before too, only find "she" never left in the first place.

 

I hope for his sake he sticks to his guns b/c I am NOT nice when guys go back on their word. I don't go back on mine, and hell hath no fury like ME if a guy does.

 

For now all I can do is believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm so optimistic about everything in life it's hard to always go straight to doom and gloom for me.

 

Mostly I just want to see her reaction so I know what my next steps should be.

[EYECANDY000]

I'm concerned at the fact that you want to know if she will be your true friend? Why would you want her to be? You want her to pretend to her your friend just to STILL be in contact with him ?

 

I'm glad that you have set boundaries, now you have to stick with them.

[Crazy Magnet]

I'm concerned at the fact that you want to know if she will be your true friend? Why would you want her to be? You want her to pretend to her your friend just to STILL be in contact with him ?

 

I'm glad that you have set boundaries, now you have to stick with them.

 

Oh I have no desire to be her friend at this point, but I would be open to being friendly with her. I'm not mean an evil down at my core. As far as I am concerned she can drop off the planet tomorrow and I won't bat an eyelash. I would prefer she drop off the planet, but I expect that to take a while.

 

In terms of girls and my boyfriends (or now ex's in all cases), I was recently asked to be in a wedding (maid of honor actually) of a girl whom I share a mutual, though now exBF, with. This will make #2 like this for me. I always insist on meeting ex's if they want to remain a part of my man's life, and I've really hit it off with a few of them. Strange, I know.

 

I am very open to all types of relationships with all types of people. I don't particularly want to be in this girl's wedding (which isn't likely as she never dates anyone) but I have clearly gone there before because an ex of a current BF has become a real friend! Obviously this doesn't happen often, but I know it can happen.

 

 

My boundaries are like re-enforced steel and concrete. Nothing budges my boundary once I have set it there and made it obvious where the boundary is. I'm so stubborn I'd never change my mind now! muahahahaha

Edited February 17, 2010 by Crazy Magnet
to address my boundary

[freestyle]

Hey CM.........

 

glad to hear you finally had a a good sit-down with your bf.

 

Any news on how his female friend is taking the new boundaries?

[carhill]

Probably not what you want to hear, but his response was too easy; too practiced. Sorry, BTDT, let go of an unhealthy attachment, which is what his sounds like, and it just doesn't go like that. Watch actions carefully. Do not comment to him further. Remain positive. Best wishes

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I think no matter what, you deserve some credit for having a difficult conversation. You stood up for yourself and didn't let him disrespect you. That's really all anybody can do. What he does now is up to him and him alone.

 

I hope it works out for you -- but I know that it will, no matter what, because you communicated and didn't let yourself be disrespected.

[Kamille]

 

I hope it works out for you -- but I know that it will, no matter what, because you communicated and didn't let yourself be disrespected.

 

So true and well said!

 

That's probably one of the best lessons I have learned from hanging around these boards.

 

Not every relationship is meant to work for the long term, and it is better to be honest and clear about one's boundaries than to bend oneself into a pretzel in the hopes that somehow one's partner will magically get it and suddenly change.

[Silver_star]

Red flag it for sure!!! youve been warned. This is shady behavior. Not acceptable, no excuses. If he is planning on being with YOU and has no other romantic feelings for this ex gf (which is extremley hard to get rid of ALL feelings) then he will make a sacrifice when you express your discomfort...he didnt care enough with the last gf who had a HUGE problem with it. He should be sensitive to your needs and your discomfort with this relationship. The fact that he has a routine of seeing her once a week is his safe zone. He feels so comfortable with her and it calms him knowing that she is not completely out of his life, she never has been. So I put this scenario in definite red flag territory. Either he should drop the ex and tell her that his new gf who he cares very deeply for is uncomfortable with the two of them hanging out every week (if she was really "just a friend" then she should understand) or you tell him that you can find someone who you dont have to share (which is true). Your call. Good luck

[Crazy Magnet]

Probably not what you want to hear, but his response was too easy; too practiced. Sorry, BTDT, let go of an unhealthy attachment, which is what his sounds like, and it just doesn't go like that. Watch actions carefully. Do not comment to him further. Remain positive. Best wishes

 

I understand that he is still entrenched. But I expect baby steps from him, not giant leaps. I'm not sure his answer was easy seeing as how the previous conversations we have had about this have not resulted in him remotely agreeing that I had a valid argument.

 

I'm not sure it was practiced per say. Yes, the last girl freaked out on him, but he never told her he would adjust his behavior for her. No other girls have apparently taken such a stand.

 

Well, I think no matter what, you deserve some credit for having a difficult conversation. You stood up for yourself and didn't let him disrespect you. That's really all anybody can do. What he does now is up to him and him alone.

 

I hope it works out for you -- but I know that it will, no matter what, because you communicated and didn't let yourself be disrespected.

 

Yes! I totally agree. He will make his choices, and I will always be free to make mine (as in staying or leaving).

 

Hey CM.........

 

glad to hear you finally had a a good sit-down with your bf.

 

Any news on how his female friend is taking the new boundaries?

 

No word yet. I may ask him when we aren't on vacation with his family!

 

So true and well said!

 

That's probably one of the best lessons I have learned from hanging around these boards.

 

Not every relationship is meant to work for the long term, and it is better to be honest and clear about one's boundaries than to bend oneself into a pretzel in the hopes that somehow one's partner will magically get it and suddenly change.

 

In the past I have always made myself into a pretzel, I guess hoping that the guy would like me more or would think I was a "cool" GF or whatever. Not anymore! I know where I stand, what I want, and what I will and will not tolerate.

 

My thought is you have to market yourself as to how you will be as a spouse. We are all "as is" and he's crazy to think he can act one way and get a girl to marry him based on statements that he will change once the vows are said. That's just crazy.