whattodoinpa Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Hello - I was reading some older posts and thought that this might be a good place for me to try and find some advice from people other than my friends and family. My wife and I separated 6 weeks ago. To keep a long history short, I will go back to when I left her 3.5 years ago and had an affair for about 2.5 months. We reconciled after and we were doing pretty well and then she opened her own business. I've been helping her run the business and for the past few years, we've been living a business/room mate relationship w/o a lot of love being felt from me to her. And then she started talking to some guy a few months ago, told me we needed space and a separation was inevitable. She's at home with our 2 children, I have an apartment and she is still seeing this guy. I have been so sick over this I don't know how I am able to get up each day. I can get into more detail, if anyone is interested (there's a lot) - but for almost 10 years she's been by my side, fighting for us - she always said I gave up a long time ago and that I never fought for her/us. Now, at the 11th hour I am trying to do everything in my power to keep us together. She said I am not taking any more chances and am not making any promises. I could write for miles about this, but I just wanted to get this thread started. Thanks
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Hugs, whattodo. I'm sorry you're going through this. Now, at the 11th hour I am trying to do everything in my power to keep us together. She said I am not taking any more chances and am not making any promises. Sometimes it's a matter of "too little too late", as evidenced by her fear of taking any more risks with/about you. Do you know what she would have needed you to do, for her to know that you were committed to making your marriage work and willing to fight for it/her? Does she know if there is something that *might* give her hope, now? That is, have you asked her if there is ANYTHING that you can do now that will 100% demonstrate your love for her and desire to grow old with her? If she says there probably isn't then...there probably isn't. In any case, you might consider individual therapy...to help you deal with things but also to give a clear signal (to her) that you're serious about self-improvement, finding out what you could have done better, and learning new ways of thinking about and doing things. At the end of the day, this is what she would need to know -- the specifics of how she'd prefer it to look are up to her but, ultimately, it's about changing the attitudes, perspectives and behaviours that got you to this place. She'll want to see that you're willing to do that, and that you're seriously committed and determined to do something about it. "Talk is cheap", as they say. Time for you to take action. Even if she's not open to a reconciliation right now or ever, your personal development still is not going to hurt anything -- and it can only help your reconciliation efforts, if there is any chance for that. Best of luck.
Author whattodoinpa Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Yes, I am at the point in this where talk is cheap. I'm the king of stepping it up when the heat is on and then falling back to just existing and rolling with the flow. I am in individual therapy, I know that even if I can't get her back that I have to do this for me. I have my demons and had them before she and I ever met - i believe this separation happened for me to finally take a look at myself and look at my actions. I did just recently do probably the most unselfish thing (action) I have ever done for her: she and I were scheduled to purchase the building her business is in. it is a big asset for the business and she cannot do it on her own, she needs me. I had to make the decision over the weekend if I was going to bail on her (since she and I are separated) or stick by her (like she did by me all these years). I knew that if I bailed on signing this mortgage she would loose the building - and there would be NO hope of her and i working this out. So I thought long and hard and against everyone's advice, I told her I would stand by her, and I'm not asking for anything in return. It's a BIG risk, but when I look at the past ten years, she has given up a lot for me. I looked at it as my last chance to ever do something for her to show my love. So the way I look at it is; if this doesn't show her how I really feel -nothing will. She couldn't even say anything except hold back tears when I told her. She sent me an email after she got home saying 'please don't take my silence as being distant. I really never thought you would say yes to signing. I guess i'm speechless.' She said she needed time to digest and would talk about it then. She is seeing someone and I know that will forever be a problem if there is any hope. I feel like I die over and over every day. But I stopped calling, talking about 'us' asking her to take me back. I am just trying to hang on as much as I can and see what time has in store.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 ...Why did you even have the affair in the first place? You left her and had an affair with the woman you had an affair with? Really? Did you guys ever attend retroville?
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I'm the king of stepping it up when the heat is on and then falling back to just existing and rolling with the flow. Yeah...I guess she is well aware of that, and it is a primary source of her fear and unwillingness to give you another chance. IMO, it doesn't bode well that you said it in the present tense and with a tone of...what? Acceptance? Pride? Self-satisfaction? Whatever it is, doesn't come across that you're seeing it as rather self-destructive behaviour that you want to change anytime soon. (Point here is: No matter how you really perceive and feel about this 'reputation' of yours, it's highly unlikely that you've been saying anything that even might alleviate your stbx's fears -- she'll be needing to hear regret, sorrow, apology-types of thoughts and feelings from you (about this), which are totally absent.) I did just recently do probably the most unselfish thing (action) I have ever done for her ... I told her I would stand by her, and I'm not asking for anything in return. It was a supportive decision but was also coldly calculated and wasn't made without consideration for how it might impact your own goals/desires, was it? You may not have verbalized what you wanted in return but you certainly did GET it, no? (Hope and a still-open door.) I'd actually call this thing a wash -- you both got what you wanted -- straight-up exchange. Thing also is, it's just YOUR idea of a "most unselfish act" -- she may have very different ideas as to what "unselfish" looks like FOR HER. So the way I look at it is; if this doesn't show her how I really feel -nothing will. I get that is the way YOU look at it. Your concern would be how SHE looks at it. (I'm not really seeing your BIG risk...unless her business is faltering. And your real estate market threatens to get even worse. But that'd just make it your unwise financial decision that you decided was worth it for personal reasons and goals.) To me, it's not the type of action that necessarily "proves" love, desire, respect, admiration, commitment, understanding, forgiveness, compassion. It doesn't necessarily show how you really feel about her -- I'd suggest you ASK her if there is anything (else) that will give HER the certainty of how you really feel about her. In any case. Given your HUGE self-interest and how seemingly calculated your decision was, what is it that makes you believe that it shows how you "really feel" (about anything other than your own goals and desires)?
tnttim Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 You cheated first, so you have some perspective on she feels right now. You wrote this: "I did just recently do probably the most unselfish thing (action) I have ever done for her: she and I were scheduled to purchase the building her business is in. it is a big asset for the business and she cannot do it on her own, she needs me. I had to make the decision over the weekend if I was going to bail on her (since she and I are separated) or stick by her (like she did by me all these years)" The time to stick by here is long past my friend, you and her aren't on that level anymore. By you saying I'll stick by you, she hears "I'm a douche bag that will wait for you until you think I'm worthy of you." Sorry to tell you this but with that attitude you'll be nothing but a doormat to her. IMO you need to leave her alone and let her sort out her life. In the meantime enjoy your freedom, your single again, yea. Reading the 180 post will help you out, but that's totally up to you.
Steadfast Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Sorry to say this, but your words indicate you only realized and mourned your loss after you recognized it was gone. That's cake eating my friend. Let her go. Divorce her and allow her to find the happiness she deserves. As for you, try to discover what real love is and work on implementing that into your life. Start small...like considering what others are thinking and feeling.
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