amilyah Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Tomorrow will be 3 months since me and my husband split(20 years together).We did nc for 2 months,while he was going out sleeping with another woman having his fun i was home crying all day everyday.Then he hears i started going out with other men and he didnt like it so he finally called.That was 3 weeks ago. This is where i need advice.First day he called me(i know i shouldnt have answered but i still love him)he wanted to know how i was doing and i told him im happier than ive been in a long time.A few days go by and he comes over to see me and tells me i look hot now(lost 40 pounds and got new hair color and style) then he kissed me and told me he loves me. Now heres the real problem ,over the last few weeks he comes over every few days and we end up sleeping together everytime.This is what pisses me off,he will take his mom out to dinner and he dont invite me,he blows his money on stupid stuff and helps her with her bills knowing i am broke. He doesnt ask me out at all he just wants to come here for sex.He does tell me he loves and misses me everyday but im starting to think otherwise.I asked him when he wants to come home and hes says hes almost ready,almost 3 months i think he should knowby now. Why the hell am i putting up with this sh*t? He didnt even tell me happy valentines day.Im thinking of asking him not to call me again till he decides what he wants,but scared to blow my chances.But also dont want to be used.I was so much better before he called now back to crying alot.Has anyone one else been through this?I need to know what to do!!!!
sunrae Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 amilyah, My first thought is what STD's is he bringin home to you. He's sleeping with other women and sleeping with you, no telling what he might or is going to get. So, for your health you need to cut him off.... When I seperated from my ex husband (because he cheated), he kept coming around. He kept telling me he loved me, missed me, wanted to work things out ect. As hard as it was I had to tell him prove it. Prove to me you want to work this out. I told him, set up the counseling appts, I will be there. No counseling appts were ever made. Until he made those there was nothing to talk about. No dinners, No sex, No me helping him with his bills. Nothing... Once we seperated you no longer get the benefits of the marriage or relationship. Dont let him continue to walk over you. As hard as it is you have to stand up for yourself and put your foot down.
Author amilyah Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Thank you sunrae,I have already thought that i need to cut him off.I just dont know which way to go.Give him an ultimatum or just go back to nc.I do want to add i know hes not seeing anyone anymore,i know where he is everyday and we talk everynight sometimes for hours.But i still have to have more from him.I dont think hes trying hard enough but thats my fault.I let him back in my life to easy.And now hes living the life.Got all the money he needs,gets to do what he wants and now gets sex whenever he wants.Im so stupid.i was happy with myself now i starting to hate myself again.I fell like im fixing to be hurt again but also know i am strong enough to deal with it.It took me a while but i did. I do know if we go back to nc i will never answer another call from him untill we have to divorce.And hope i dont have to then.
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Tell him - "I feel like we're slipping back to where we used to be. You come round, and we have sex, then you go off and we're both left in limbo. This is going nowhere. Don't come round again. I'm moving on from you, happier than I've ever been, and looking forward to being single again." (Then add this...) "The sex has been great, and you've been very useful for relieving my frustration, but I think that having sex with you is just using you because I can, so in all fairness, much as I've enjoyed what you do for me, don't think I should do that any more. Sex for the hell of it, is unlike me, and I think I should save it for someone I really care for. So please don't contact me again, and let's just go our separate ways. be happy. See ya!" That should do it....! And yes, go no contact!
Author amilyah Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Thank you tara,I think i will tell him in those exact words tonight when he calls me.Will let ya know how it goes.
sunrae Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 You should so tell him, what Tara Maiden said.... Also, dont fell bad about yourself, You did what most of us on here have done. There is nothing to be ashamed of... You already know you are worth a lot more than what he is willing to give you at this time. Settle for nothing less than the best from this moment forward.
Author amilyah Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Ok so he didnt even call me tonight and he has been calling me every day.So new question should i still tell him off tomorrow or just start nc and ignore the call(if he calls)??
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 So what? Don't give a 5h1t. Forget about it. leave it be, ignore him, and decide what to do when he does call you. Don't sit there now, waiting for him to call. Let your actions suit your words. Do what you always intended to do. Get along perfectly, and very happily, without him.
Author amilyah Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Tara, i hear what your saying but the problem is i do love him.I want to ignore every phone call.But every time i see its him i answer.I am going away this weekend. And when i get where i am going im gonna turn cell off.I know i have got to get him out of my life but when he tells me he loves and misses me i just cant help myself.i am so scared that when i do go back to nc im missing my second chance.But i also know i cant let him use me like he is!!
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I seriously doubt you love him. Not in the purest sense, because he sure as hell doesn't Love you. Not in the way you'd like, and certainly not in the way you Need. You love the idea of him, the idea of how you'd love your love to be, and the idea of how you'd love him to love you. He ran rings around you before, he's starting to do the same again. well sure, ok....by all means, go away for the weekend, and turn your 'phone off, if you want. That's not the point. because all weekend, you'll be thinking about the moment you'll be turning it on again. And you'll miss having a really good time, because your mind and heart will be elsewhere. This is going to take a lot more than 'turning your 'phone off for the weekend.' And please hun - don't tell me you can't do it. That's utter total stinkin' Bullpat. You did very well without him. You lost all that weight, became a desirable object to other guys, and showed him you could do bloody well without him. Fer chrissakes, why get sucked back in now? What buttons is he pushing? What the hell is he doing to manipulate you back into wanting him? He's having sex with you. And that's it. He does other things without you, and he doesn't call when he says he's going to. Cock-and-bullsschitt. Look where you're going to end up. It's called 'back to square one'. Please, don't come on forum lamenting that this and that and the other is happening, then telling us you love him, and can't help it. That's uttercrap. It's not a good healthy love, and yes. You can help it. You have once. now do it again. Turn your phone off now, ignore his calls, delete his number, or instead of *his name* as call/message alert, replace it with 'delete this now!' Fooled once? idiot him. fooled again? idiot you. You have no excuse for this pile of pants. Now, grow some, and get clear of him. before you get sucked into "Lather-rinse-repeat" mode.....
Author amilyah Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Gosh tara your harsh,but i am taking your advice.I know you are right and i love hearing the advice.I am seeing someone else he dont know about.And i almost blew it with him.We stopped talking for about 2 weeks but he is amazing. Now i have been talking to him all night and i see how amazing he is.Why should i be hung up on my ex when i have this awsome guy who seems to love me.I know hes probably a rebound but what if hes not!!!
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Gosh tara your harsh,but i am taking your advice.I know you are right and i love hearing the advice.I am seeing someone else he dont know about.And i almost blew it with him.We stopped talking for about 2 weeks but he is amazing. Now i have been talking to him all night and i see how amazing he is.Why should i be hung up on my ex when i have this awsome guy who seems to love me.I know hes probably a rebound but what if hes not!!! He's only a rebound if you make him one. And if he's that amazing and you really think he's a cool guy, there's no reason why he should be a re-bound. but does he know you're having sex with your ex-husband? If not, do you think he'd be happy to know that? you have to start treating him fairly, and being a lot better to yourself than you are being right now. You deserve to be with a guy who treats you the way you expect to be treated. And that means developing your self-respect, and knowing that whatever - whoever - your ex is, you can do better. You ARE doing better. Focus on that.
GrayClouds Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Tell him - "The sex has been great, and you've been very useful for relieving my frustration, but I think that having sex with you is just using you because I can, so in all fairness, much as I've enjoyed what you do for me, don't think I should do that any more. Sex for the hell of it, is unlike me, and I think I should save it for someone I really care for. So please don't contact me again, and let's just go our separate ways. be happy. See ya!" That should do it....! And yes, go no contact! Perfect, simply perfect.
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