Dark_of_the_Moon Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I dont know why it seems I can not. I dislike dating so much. Why? Because either I feel more for a guy than he feels for me...and I get hurt. or... A guy feels more for me than I feel for him and...I feel bad, cause he gets hurt. Here I am in the later spot again. I have tried to be open and honest, I had my heart broken and ripped out and do not want to sleep with a guy right now (I would love to have sex, but....I can not have sex without trust and emotion, which I know I am not ready for), I dont want to be in a heavy relationship, I just want to be friends and have some fun that is not totally by myself. There is a guy here now, he is very nice, but....he is getting far too attached to me, he is giving me clear signals he wants more than I want to give...or recieve. HE KNOWS, I told him more than once, I am not ready, my heart is not open for business right now. Plus, even if I had not been through what I had been through, we have very little in common. I just dont feel anything for any of the guys that are talking to me right now. What do I do, I have told them, but men dont believe what women say....(makes me want to slap those women who lie and make it hard for the ones of us who just want to say what we mean damn it) ...and....I have made certain my actions back up my words. NO kissing, no making out, no sexual talk.....what do I do? I am being as dispassionate as a body can be!!! My family and friends are mad if I dont get out there and try to pretend to date....but I hate having to drive guys off, who I am NOT interested in, what fun is there in that? Maybe some women like it but I dont. Its like I am on guard 100% of the time, not fun or relaxing....but being alone all the time with no one to talk to is also not fun. I think I am cursed. Everyone says go find what you want.....and if what you want does not exist? Cause days like this make me think it does not. Must be something wrong with me.
Bejita463 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 What DO you want? Difficulty: No saying you do not know.
Itzonator Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) I dont know why it seems I can not. I dislike dating so much. Why? Because either I feel more for a guy than he feels for me...and I get hurt. or... A guy feels more for me than I feel for him and...I feel bad, cause he gets hurt. Here I am in the later spot again. I have tried to be open and honest, I had my heart broken and ripped out and do not want to sleep with a guy right now (I would love to have sex, but....I can not have sex without trust and emotion, which I know I am not ready for), I dont want to be in a heavy relationship, I just want to be friends and have some fun that is not totally by myself. There is a guy here now, he is very nice, but....he is getting far too attached to me, he is giving me clear signals he wants more than I want to give...or recieve. HE KNOWS, I told him more than once, I am not ready, my heart is not open for business right now. Plus, even if I had not been through what I had been through, we have very little in common. I just dont feel anything for any of the guys that are talking to me right now. What do I do, I have told them, but men dont believe what women say....(makes me want to slap those women who lie and make it hard for the ones of us who just want to say what we mean damn it) ...and....I have made certain my actions back up my words. NO kissing, no making out, no sexual talk.....what do I do? I am being as dispassionate as a body can be!!! My family and friends are mad if I dont get out there and try to pretend to date....but I hate having to drive guys off, who I am NOT interested in, what fun is there in that? Maybe some women like it but I dont. Its like I am on guard 100% of the time, not fun or relaxing....but being alone all the time with no one to talk to is also not fun. I think I am cursed. Everyone says go find what you want.....and if what you want does not exist? Cause days like this make me think it does not. Must be something wrong with me. I understand ... you have lots of pressure from friends & family to be on a date. Also, you've been hurt very badly in your last "relationship" and this activated your defence mechanism that you cannot put it off or ignore. You are just not strong enough. Did I get this right? If so ... listen. You find it hard to open and be honest to other people. Well, this is my solution. Put yourself out from the equation ..., forget about your needs for a second and see what it is to be another person. Try this out, it will help you prevent more frustrations and anxieties. It doesn't have to be logical in order to work. Second, don't be judgemental, if you do not judge others makes them feel relaxed and comfortable around you, and eventually you will become more trustworthy and open to others. Do not stop to be honest and open to others, especially if they are YOUR friends. Failure is NOT to obstruct, but to instruct. If you have some challenge in life, always look from the lesson that it brings. Try to establish a positive mental attitude toward any situation, even if is BAD. Interpret things positively. The way you interpret things to yourself determines how you feel about them. So why you SHOULD TRUST me on this. Because I understand how you feel, and I've been there, even though I am a MALE. I do not listen to women very often myself, because most of the things they say are not relevant. I've learned when women "lie" about something, they just do not FEEL like it, that's why they get bias, this doesn't mean they actually lie, most if NOT ALL men just interpret (including myself in the past) this as lying. That's why they do not listen to women, in my opinion. But this doesn't matter, just wanted to clarify that Edited February 16, 2010 by Itzonator
Author Dark_of_the_Moon Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) B463 - I know exactly what I want. Short term....casual, fun, friendly interaction with people. So I can heal up! That is what I have been told I need to do, meet people and see that they dont all lie, cheat and use people. Somewhere down the road, it would be nice to be able to love again and be loved, but right now, I cant take the pain of that. Itzo - Yes you got that right, partly. I am known for being open and honest and loyal...once you get my trust. My problem is I dont trust men anymore. My problem is I dont want to hurt any of these guys as much as I dont want to get hurt....but I am NOT interested in anything except friendship....men hate that. ANd dont seem to beleive me!!! I mean it. Its easy if a guy just tries to get me to sleep with him....I can reject him and not feel bad. But right now there is a nice honest fellow here, who likes me, even though I warned him, I told him about my past expereinces...he still wants to get involved with me, care for me....yadda yadda. I KEEP telling him, No I am not ready. He keeps saying, let me prove to you all guys aren't like the last one you loved. I told him I know that, logically, I am not an idiot, but, I dont want to do the relationship crap right now. So now he is hurt cause Im not giving him a chance. I just had another guy, swear up and down he was falling in love with me. Well, I know he was not, he was just infatuated or in lust, I dont know. Rebounding from his ex. Well I told him no and he got furious and upset. So I keep hurting guys or pissing them off or getting hurt myself.....where does the fun part come in again?????? Edited February 16, 2010 by Dark_of_the_Moon
Itzonator Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 B463 - I know exactly what I want. Short term....casual, fun, friendly interaction with people. So I can heal up! That is what I have been told I need to do, meet people and see that they dont all lie, cheat and use people. Somewhere down the road, it would be nice to be able to love again and be loved, but right now, I cant take the pain of that. Itzo - Yes you got that right, partly. I am known for being open and honest and loyal...once you get my trust. My problem is I dont trust men anymore. My problem is I dont want to hurt any of these guys as much as I dont want to get hurt....but I am NOT interested in anything except friendship....men hate that. ANd dont seem to beleive me!!! I mean it. Its easy if a guy just tries to get me to sleep with him....I can reject him and not feel bad. But right now there is a nice honest fellow here, who likes me, even though I warned him, I told him about my past expereinces...he still wants to get involved with me, care for me....yadda yadda. I KEEP telling him, No I am not ready. He keeps saying, let me prove to you all guys aren't like the last one you loved. I told him I know that, logically, I am not an idiot, but, I dont want to do the relationship crap right now. So now he is hurt cause Im not giving him a chance. I just had another guy, swear up and down he was falling in love with me. Well, I know he was not, he was just infatuated or in lust, I dont know. Rebounding from his ex. Well I told him no and he got furious and upset. So I keep hurting guys or pissing them off or getting hurt myself.....where does the fun part come in again?????? Thanks for sharing Dark_of_the_Moon. You do not trust guys? Okey ... I know it might be frustrated, and annoying for someone to persist so bad ... and act needly. Is like they do not listen. That's why you throw them off (understandable) ... but how you make friends when acting ON guard almost all the time ... except when you are alone? Perhaps you need more time with yourself.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I'm glad you let the guy know up front what you want. Leading a man on only to say no thanks is an crappy feeling for the guy. Maybe you should hang out with friends who are already in relationships, that way you don't to worry about the guys coming after you.
USMCHokie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 B463 - I know exactly what I want. Short term....casual, fun, friendly interaction with people. So I can heal up! That is what I have been told I need to do, meet people and see that they dont all lie, cheat and use people. Hmmm...this might be exactly what I need too...
Author Dark_of_the_Moon Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) Well let me try to be more clear, since I am appearantly as clear as mud right now. I dont want to trust in a relationship setting right now. My judgement in men has been less than stellar. I go on guard the minute a guy starts swearing he is falling for me....or tries the seduce me into bed. MY so called friends think all I need to 'get over' is to date and have fun casually, but its the casual that is not working for me. Or get laid, which is so not my style and guaranteed to make me feel worse. What do I have to say to these guys to get them to believe me, I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THIS TIME. How much more clear can I make it? It feel like they are considering me a challenge or something? I dont know. Edited February 16, 2010 by Dark_of_the_Moon
espec10001 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Well let me try to be more clear, since I am appearantly as clear as mud right now. I dont want to trust in a relationship setting right now. My judgement in men has been less than stellar. I go on guard the minute a guy starts swearing he is falling for me....or tries the seduce me into bed. MY so called friends think all I need to 'get over' is to date and have fun casually, but its the casual that is not working for me. Or get laid, which is so not my style and guaranteed to make me feel worse. What do I have to say to these guys to get them to believe me, I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THIS TIME. How much more clear can I make it? It feel like they are considering me a challenge or something? I dont know. Become a witch and put curses on them. You know you want to...
USMCHokie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 What do I have to say to these guys to get them to believe me, I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THIS TIME. How much more clear can I make it? It feel like they are considering me a challenge or something? I dont know. Well, guys will take this one of two ways: (1) The crazy ones will take it as a cue to try harder to "win you over"...and sometimes it makes them want you even more...perhaps for that challenge factor that you mention... (2) The rest of us will take it as a line that you aren't interested in us and just write you off completely. Guys have a VERY HARD time believing that you sincerely feel this way, since it's such a popular line for women to use to ease a breakup. So if you want them to truly believe that you don't want to be in a relationship right now, then don't expect them to stick around for very much longer. No guy wants to waste their time with someone that's not interested in more... I think the ones that are falling for you are just the crazy ones...
Author Dark_of_the_Moon Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Hmmm thank you USMChokie....that was clear and good enough for me to use when my friends keep pushing me out there. Dating is just too much of a contact sport for me. Someone will get hurt no matter what you do or dont do.
Itzonator Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Well let me try to be more clear, since I am appearantly as clear as mud right now. I dont want to trust in a relationship setting right now. My judgement in men has been less than stellar. I go on guard the minute a guy starts swearing he is falling for me....or tries the seduce me into bed. MY so called friends think all I need to 'get over' is to date and have fun casually, but its the casual that is not working for me. Or get laid, which is so not my style and guaranteed to make me feel worse. What do I have to say to these guys to get them to believe me, I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THIS TIME. How much more clear can I make it? It feel like they are considering me a challenge or something? I dont know. Right, challenge is the word you may describe their persistance. Damn, I never thought of that ... there is nothing more unattractive to be persistent or needy about getting somebody YOU DO NOT WANT. Next time he asks you say ... "I have a boyfriend already!" or "I am taken..." Don't tell me you do not like to lie, because this is seems the only way to get around this. I think it is good to be creative on this one.
Itzonator Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Well, guys will take this one of two ways: yada yada yada I do not think she cares, at this moment, how guys are going to take this.
hats Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Isn't the point of dating to get into relationships? If you're going out on dates with these guys and telling them you don't want to be in a relationship I could see how they would be confused.
neowulf Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 My suggestion would be to give up on "dating" for a while and simply join social groups. It's a more organic way of forming friendships and when the time is right, a better way to begin I relationship. Formal "dating" is confusing people it appears to mean different things to different people. If I go on a date with a girl I've only just met... what do I really *know* about her. Nothing. The date is an opportunity to spend some one on one time together and see how you find each others company. Some people think a date is a prelude to a relationship. It's not. A couple of dates doesn't mean you're ready to commit to a person. If you need time to heal, then I say to hell with everyone else. Do what makes you happy, relax and simply get on with enjoying your life.
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