Left in a Lurch Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I have no problem with single mothers and I don't attach any stigma or look down on them in any way. The issue I have is when I date someone in the initial stages, I want to go out on a Saturday night and not one Saturday every other week for a quick lunch from 1:10-2:18, and not be able to see her again until the next Sunday. I am not really thrilled at having to cancel plans more than usual because she couldn't find a sitter. I am not exactly enticed by the fact that I know she usually can't return a call until the weekend because getting the kids to school, packing lunches, making sure they do their homework...doesn't leave her any time to talk to me. It is not easy to get to know her or have fun with her when she has one night a week she says she is free or might be able to get a sitter, but (understandably) 1/2 the time she plans a movie or something else with her girlfriends which leaves no time for me. If she does go out with me, it is usually her parents that baby sit and they can't watch the kids past 9:00 which is usually the time the fun stuff starts, and our date options are dinner or a movie that is not too long (not both), and not much else because I can't plan anything too far ahead of time or plan anything that lasts any amount of time. Phone conversations, if not cut short, are kind of annoying because usually her focus is not on the call. Sick kid? Talk to you in a couple of weeks. Basically in my experience it comes down to whether I am willing to try to make a relationship with a person I can only see or talk to for a total of 5 hours a month. The chances of getting to know anyone or building any chemistry in a series of short, spread out, meetings are not all that high in my book. Nothing against the women, it's just the situation it creates isn't exactly dating friendly.
Mr White Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 On the flip side, a single mom comes with the kids already housebroken, so if you want a family but don't want to deal with the sleep deprivation of the first few years that come with having your own kids, that's a decent deal assuming everything else is in place (e.g. she's hot, and has a job).
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 The difference is, when meeting, dating, getting engaged, marrying someone and, *then*, having children, one has hopefully formed a strong physical, emotional and spiritual bond with that person *before* the responsibilities and distractions of children ensue, regardless of the changing dynamic of child-rearing. My posts here spoke to the difficulty of forming such a bond. If/when I meet a woman who blows my experiences out of the water and shows me what I know is healthy for me, then I will be happy to accept a different perspective about single mothers. For now, color me experienced and watchful.
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 On the flip side, a single mom comes with the kids already housebroken, so if you want a family but don't want to deal with the sleep deprivation of the first few years that come with having your own kids, that's a decent deal assuming everything else is in place (e.g. she's hot, and has a job). What's the point of having kids if they are not your blood? The very point of having children is to pass on your genes to the future generations. A guy who works his ass off to feed to cloth someone else's kids is the ultimate expression of evolutionary failure.
hats Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I think single mothers are perfectly aware of the reasons men may not want to date them, and whether they are fair or not sometimes it's hard not to feel hurt or frustrated. I think the OP basically wants for those that might otherwise pass up dating a single mother to at least think about the potential upsides and that the downsides may not be that bad if both parties are willing to try. And also for other single mothers like herself to remember that they still have something to offer, when t's easy forget that when the going gets tough in their dating lives.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 'Do I have the time and energy to devote to sharing myself with another human being, getting to know and care for them, and possibly fall in love with them? Am I up to that?' Good question to ask, looking right in the mirror. Act honestly on the response. BTW, in my twenty years of dating single mothers, I never made the evolutionary imperative a factor. I value all children, including those I might father. They are our future
Mr White Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 What's the point of having kids if they are not your blood? The very point of having children is to pass on your genes to the future generations. A guy who works his ass off to feed to cloth someone else's kids is the ultimate expression of evolutionary failure. Meh, kinda. The true reason to have kids is to be a daddy . I'm down with the whole evolutionary crap,but at the same time it shouldn't be taken too far. What's the point of evolution of the brains that resulted from it remain unused. At the end of the day, those kids will be calling YOU daddy and will be shaped by you, and probably won't give a rat's ass about the sperm donor. Just a thought.
boogieboy Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) Well, if I'm stupid, what does that make you? Cause you've just proven my point Johnny, I hate that youre racist but dammit you sure know how to expose someones real agenda. I'm going to be using your points against someone someday... On the flip side, a single mom comes with the kids already housebroken, so if you want a family but don't want to deal with the sleep deprivation of the first few years that come with having your own kids, that's a decent deal assuming everything else is in place (e.g. she's hot, and has a job). You just changed my mind about single mothers (if at some point I decide to put up with kids, cuz I hate them) .....the first few years are the worst....it worked with my step brother, he will be supporting my dad in his twilight years... Annie Ill tell you again, you are looking for a niche market. If a guy has the confidence to land himself a woman without kids, he will go to her first. Other peoples kids are a hassle, directly or indirectly - no matter how you try to rationalize it. Plus you dont want to do the work to approach men in person. You say its because youre old school, but I know its because you cant face rejection. You already have issues dealing with rejection in general, which is why youre posting open letters here, so youre further restricting your prospects. You better get on the ball and start going after guys if youre going to get anyone decent anytime soon. Edited February 16, 2010 by boogieboy
Author polksaladannie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 ... Annie Ill tell you again, you are looking for a niche market. If a guy has the confidence to land himself a woman without kids, he will go to her first. Other peoples kids are a hassle, directly or indirectly - no matter how you try to rationalize it. Plus you dont want to do the work to approach men in person. You say its because youre old school, but I know its because you cant face rejection. You already have issues dealing with rejection in general, which is why youre posting open letters here, so youre further restricting your prospects. You better get on the ball and start going after guys if youre going to get anyone decent anytime soon. I actually did approach one guy on OKCupid. I stepped out of my comfort zone and did it. Here is how it went down: I messaged him and we played email tag for three days. Then nothing. On the advice of a friend I waited two days, caught him on IM and we had a nice chat. As he was saying goodbye I suggested that we have coffee. He showed interest and said he would have to check his syllabus(med school) for the following week to see what times were good. Ok great. So I let it go for two more days and then email him a recipe he wanted. That night I get a short email saying Thanks for the recipe. Best, HisNameHere. And then nothing. I honestly do not know he engaged if he was not interested:o
Author polksaladannie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I think single mothers are perfectly aware of the reasons men may not want to date them, and whether they are fair or not sometimes it's hard not to feel hurt or frustrated. I think the OP basically wants for those that might otherwise pass up dating a single mother to at least think about the potential upsides and that the downsides may not be that bad if both parties are willing to try. And also for other single mothers like herself to remember that they still have something to offer, when t's easy forget that when the going gets tough in their dating lives.[/quote ] Thank you:)
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 We're back to flesh-pressing. Repeat after me.....anything other than flesh-pressing is electrons and irrelevant. The lady I'm seeing (single mother with adult son living with her) did first contact. After two messages, I suggested getting together for sushi lunch at a neutral distance place. I looked like my picture. We hugged. That's the flesh-pressing part. We ate, drank beverage, talked. Bla, bla, next date, next date, more flesh pressing. I'm not quite done with my divorce but looked in the mirror and asked the question and said 'yes', I do have the time, interest and energy for that pursuit and know how to execute in an understandable manner. This guy, for whatever reason, can't or won't execute. You say he's in med school. Well, that's nuts. He won't have time nor energy for anything other than masturbation or quickies for years. School and becoming a doctor is his life. It doesn't stop him from being horny but he doesn't have the time to build a relationship but does have a few minutes to chat while multi-tasking, like many LS'ers do here every day. Find another potential
Author polksaladannie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 We're back to flesh-pressing. Repeat after me.....anything other than flesh-pressing is electrons and irrelevant. The lady I'm seeing (single mother with adult son living with her) did first contact. After two messages, I suggested getting together for sushi lunch at a neutral distance place. I looked like my picture. We hugged. That's the flesh-pressing part. We ate, drank beverage, talked. Bla, bla, next date, next date, more flesh pressing. I'm not quite done with my divorce but looked in the mirror and asked the question and said 'yes', I do have the time, interest and energy for that pursuit and know how to execute in an understandable manner. This guy, for whatever reason, can't or won't execute. You say he's in med school. Well, that's nuts. He won't have time nor energy for anything other than masturbation or quickies for years. School and becoming a doctor is his life. It doesn't stop him from being horny but he doesn't have the time to build a relationship but does have a few minutes to chat while multi-tasking, like many LS'ers do here every day. Find another potential Yeah I am looking for someone else
alphamale Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 the best is when the single mom says: "my kids are good kids and they will always come first in my life"
Author polksaladannie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 the best is when the single mom says: "my kids are good kids and they will always come first in my life" That's how I roll
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 And, IME, one can expect that to continue well into grandchildren. Haven't got to great-grandchildren yet so can't comment. Acceptance is key
rina_r Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Problem is for single guys trying to date a single mother the kids will always be more important obviously. As a single guy I just don't want to be second to someone else's kids, nor do I want to take responsibility down the road for someone else's kid. Cold, harsh reality, but I'm afraid that as a single mom you'll find that you'll just have to take what you can get but that's just my perspective. I am a woman but i agree to that. I dont want to be #20 after kids, dogs and whoever else. I have never dated anyone with kids.
MalachiX Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Polks, thanks for your perspective. I'm sure many of us guys do make a lot of assumptions about single Moms which, good intentions as they may be, are unfair and probably make things worse rather than better. I can only say that, in many cases, we do so out of a desire not to hurt someone in a difficult situation. We often do so based on our own insecurities, thinking we can't be there for someone who has a "real" life. Also keep in mind a lot of us are talking about mothers in their early 20s or even late teens rather than their 30s. Ones who really are struggling.
sagetalk Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 To me it depends on who the single mother is. Many of them are looking for a guy they can bleed dry of money, but that is not exclusive to just single mothers . As a late 20's, educated, working male, the only single mother I would consider dating is a woman whose husband died or he cheated on her and abandoned her and her children. A women who is just divorced with kids, I would have a hard time dating. To me, marriage is one of the major symbols of honesty and faithfulness. If someone broke a marriage oath to someone else, why wouldn't they do the same to me?
soulm8 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 To me it depends on who the single mother is. Many of them are looking for a guy they can bleed dry of money, but that is not exclusive to just single mothers . As a late 20's, educated, working male, the only single mother I would consider dating is a woman whose husband died or he cheated on her and abandoned her and her children. A women who is just divorced with kids, I would have a hard time dating. To me, marriage is one of the major symbols of honesty and faithfulness. If someone broke a marriage oath to someone else, why wouldn't they do the same to me? The point is... you don't know what caused the divorce til you ask. Assuming stuff makes an ass out of us. Unfortunately, it takes a mature person to understand that a broken marriage doesn't make the person dishonest or unfaithful. Divorced people, if they learned from their mistakes, take marriage VERY seriously and will try their hardest to never make the same mistake again.
Pink Cupcakes Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) I think your best bet is to date a divorced man with children. There are tons out there! In your mid-30s, there are going to be a lot. However there are also single guys who will take you for the total package. There's a guy at work, totally successful, never married, good looking, college educated - a total catch, who just married the love of his life last summer. Guess what? She has a nine year old daughter from a previous marriage and they are a wonderful, beautiful family. You don't want a guy who will instantly rule you out because of a child, anyway. Oh and this story is definitely not a rare exception. Happens all the time. Otherwise, why do we even have the term stepchildren? Hang in there and know there are loving men who aren't so superficial and will love you for everything you are, including your children. Edited February 17, 2010 by Pink Cupcakes
sagetalk Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 1. Unfortunately, it takes a mature person to understand that a broken marriage doesn't make the person dishonest or unfaithful. 2. Divorced people, if they learned from their mistakes, take marriage VERY seriously and will try their hardest to never make the same mistake again. 1. It takes a mature person to take an oath (until death btw) in front of God and their family and stick with it unless cheated on or abused. Don't even try to play the immature card that is incredibly lame . 2. Like I said it depends on the situation. With kids involved it gets even more difficult. If they left their partner because their partner was: unmotivated, not meeting their needs, too critical, didn't understand them, boring, didn't like sex anymore, too lazy, then I would never want to be in a relationship with a person like that. But if they left because they were cheated on or physically abused, it's a different matter all together.
soulm8 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Don't even try to play the immature card that is incredibly lame . 2. Like I said it depends on the situation. With kids involved it gets even more difficult. If they left their partner because their partner was: unmotivated, not meeting their needs, too critical, didn't understand them, boring, didn't like sex anymore, too lazy, then I would never want to be in a relationship with a person like that. But if they left because they were cheated on or physically abused, it's a different matter all together. I'm not tryin' to play any cards here. My point is... you said you'd never date a divorced woman. Like I said as well, is that it depends on the situation...
Pink Cupcakes Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 In your 20's I think it is easy to live by the "I don't date divorced/and/or with kids people." As you get to your 30s and higher, you realize that those people are very dateable and may just be your soulmate. I don't think it is realistic to date at that age expecting someone nondivorced and/or without kids, and I think you have to examine something within yourself if you would automatically exclude someone because of that. The "I want to start a fresh life with someone like me (never married/no kids)" becomes unrealistic after a certain age. If you want to be happy, you have to rethink what you previously would have found unacceptable, otherwise you're simply missing out on some wonderful people. This goes for men and women both.
MalachiX Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 1. It takes a mature person to take an oath (until death btw) in front of God and their family and stick with it unless cheated on or abused. Don't even try to play the immature card that is incredibly lame . 2. Like I said it depends on the situation. With kids involved it gets even more difficult. If they left their partner because their partner was: unmotivated, not meeting their needs, too critical, didn't understand them, boring, didn't like sex anymore, too lazy, then I would never want to be in a relationship with a person like that. But if they left because they were cheated on or physically abused, it's a different matter all together. So, you think it's more mature for someone to keep a miserable marriage going, one which is likely damaging the children, out of some obligation to friends and family or your view of God?
Seymore Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Don't mean to jack this thread, but from the point of view of a guy PURSUING a single mother, it's funny, I got the blow-off from a single mother who wanted a "date" from me on V-Day. Talked about herself for two hours and didn't even get to know me. I like her, and I don't mind that she's a mother at all, yet while she knew I liked her, I feel she led me on. In all fairness, she had mentioned there was some drama going on from her past relationship due to her and her ex having a child and she's not ready to date, but I mean, come on - why act like you want to go on a date and then say you're not ready? I'm a good guy. A REALLY good guy. I deserve a fair shot.
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