An open letter on behalf of single mothers...

[polksaladannie]

Dear Potential Date:

 

I am a single mother. While I will never apologize for the existence of my children, I am beginning to feel ashamed of my history. I am feeling ashamed of my eight year marriage during which time I worked/cared for two little children/did a boatload of volunteer work in support of other military spouses (while their father was deployed two times, I might add. I feel that the last ten years of my life have brought me to a place where the only adjectives used to describe me are needy and desperate. I am anything but.

 

I am attractive, fun, educated, financially independent and, yes, a good mother, a mother who goes beyond what is necessary to give her children a happy childhood. Yet, because I bought into the whole "marriage" idea and it did not work out for me, I am a social pariah, having been told that "No good man will ever want you" and that "You should take whatever you can get."

 

Men won't even give me a shot and I think it is unfair. I really do. Consider how a single mother could enhance your life:

 

1) We have experienced emotional highs and lows. We have good coping skills and we are not high maintenance.

 

2) We are not dying to get married unlike my 30something single peers who wanted an engagement ring yesterday.

 

3) We already have childrearing experience. If you do not have a child and we end up having a family, our experience will be invaluable.

 

4) We can be alone if you need to have a guy's weekend or travel a lot for your job. We are used to flying solo and can deal.

 

5) We have been hurt (in most cases) and are sensitive to not hurting you. We don't sweat the small stuff.

 

6) We are organized. If I plan time out of my busy schedule to have coffee with you, I will give you my full attention; it took a lot of work to set aside that time. If we set aside that time for you, be grateful...it means we think a lot of you.

 

I am sure that some incredible single mothers-and dads!-can add to the list.....

[espec10001]

Problem is for single guys trying to date a single mother the kids will always be more important obviously. As a single guy I just don't want to be second to someone else's kids, nor do I want to take responsibility down the road for someone else's kid. Cold, harsh reality, but I'm afraid that as a single mom you'll find that you'll just have to take what you can get but that's just my perspective.

[Bejita463]

My perspective:

 

I don't even want my OWN kids at this stage in my life. While I am open to the fact my attitude may change, going for someone who already has kids would be idiotic on my part, and a waste of the woman's time. People deserve partners who are willing to become a full part of their life, and if they have children... that partner is not me.

 

My avoidance is not disdain. It is respect.

[Bejita463]

I think it's more that there's this social stigma that's attached to single moms as being desparate to find a new daddy for their kids, that they're financial leeches looking for a meal ticket.

 

Well that is just ignorant. I was unaware of that particular brand of stupidity.

[phineas]

polksaladannie - how old are you?

 

I'm curious about what age bracket you are in.

[polksaladannie]

polksaladannie - how old are you?

 

I'm curious about what age bracket you are in.

 

I am 36. I just find the stereotypes rude and bothersome. I have worked so hard to come into my own, to take care of my kids and be a centered and happy woman. And all it gets me is a nasty label.

[polksaladannie]

Well that is just ignorant. I was unaware of that particular brand of stupidity.

 

Honey do a search on single mothers on this site alone and you will see some lovely remarks:rolleyes:

[Johnny M]

I am a single mother. While I will never apologize for the existence of my children, I am beginning to feel ashamed of my history. I am feeling ashamed of my eight year marriage during which time I worked/cared for two little children/did a boatload of volunteer work in support of other military spouses (while their father was deployed two times, I might add. I feel that the last ten years of my life have brought me to a place where the only adjectives used to describe me are needy and desperate. I am anything but.

 

I am attractive, fun, educated, financially independent and, yes, a good mother, a mother who goes beyond what is necessary to give her children a happy childhood. Yet, because I bought into the whole "marriage" idea and it did not work out for me, I am a social pariah, having been told that "No good man will ever want you" and that "You should take whatever you can get."

As you probably know, every decision you make in this life has a consequence. And choosing the person that you are going to marry and have children with is a very important decision - in fact, it is likely the most important decision you are ever going to make. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that the consequences of making the wrong choice are going to be grave. Now I'm not saying that every single mother is the author of her own misfortune (and maybe you are one of the exceptions), but in many cases, single mothers have only themselves to blame.

 

Too many women tie the knot without thinking about the long term viability of their marriage and as a consequence marry men that they are not compatible with. They marry these men because they've been "swept off their feet" and think they are in love (the feeling doesn't last very long), because their husband looked like a good catch on paper (educated, good job, etc.) or because they were feeling pressure from their friends, relatives or the society at large. But one thing that they did not take into consideration is whether their husband would make a good father and long-term partner. And that's why they find themselves single and unwanted. And I'm not even talking about women who had children out of wedlock. These women are idiots and that's really all there is to say on that subject.

 

The other problem with single mothers is that they often refuse to acknowledge the fact that their social standing has taken a hit and that they would never ever be as desirable as single women without children (there are all sorts of obvious reasons for this that I won't go into). That's just the way life is and there's no point in complaining about it. Single mothers should be realistic about their prospects and go for men that they can actually get - i.e. divorced guys with children of their own. Yet, many single mothers feel that they are entitled to a childless, never married man.

[silverfish]

The other problem with single mothers is that they often refuse to acknowledge the fact that their social standing has taken a hit and that they would never ever be as desirable as single women without children (there are all sorts of obvious reasons for this that I won't go into). That's just the way life is and there's no point in complaining about it. Single mothers should be realistic about their prospects and go for men that they can actually get - i.e. divorced guys with children of their own. Yet, many single mothers feel that they are entitled to a childless, never married man.

 

 

Sorry, but 'social standing'? .

 

If what you say is true, there would be hundreds of us, living in caves in the wilderness, having been shunned from society. That's if they didn't stone us first...

[polksaladannie]

I ended my marriage because my spouse became verbally abusive, and I did not want my children to mirror that in their own marriages someday.It was not an easy choice to make. He was "perfect" before we had kids an then he changed. Not every guy has "future jerk" tattooed on his forehead when the courtship is going on.

 

No one-single mother or not-is entitled to anything. But what we are all entitled to is to be judged not by our social status but by our character.

 

I am open to dating a good man and he could be single with no kids or divorced with kids; it matters not.

[Jaytb]

There's no reason to feel ashamed for who you are or what your life has been. Hey let's face it, a lot of people have it tough in finding dates, for instance, short guys, poor guys, beta males, etc. Not all men are on easy street with women thank you very much. (no pity for me, I have a gf. )

[silverfish]

I ended my marriage because my spouse became verbally abusive, and I did not want my children to mirror that in their own marriages someday.It was not an easy choice to make. He was "perfect" before we had kids an then he changed. Not every guy has "future jerk" tattooed on his forehead when the courtship is going on.

 

No one-single mother or not-is entitled to anything. But what we are all entitled to is to be judged not by our social status but by our character.

 

I am open to dating a good man and he could be single with no kids or divorced with kids; it matters not.

 

Hear hear....if it gives you any hope, I'm off out in a mo, on a date with a guy who's never had kids, he seems nice, he knows about my boys, and is comfortable with my situation so far, so it can be done

[carhill]

what we are all entitled to is to be judged not by our social status but by our character.

 

If I had met a single mother during the long ten years of my thirties who followed this philosophy, I would have married her. Many potentials, much sadness. Best wishes

[polksaladannie]

Hear hear....if it gives you any hope, I'm off out in a mo, on a date with a guy who's never had kids, he seems nice, he knows about my boys, and is comfortable with my situation so far, so it can be done

 

Thanks. I know that single moms can find love..guess it is just taking me a bit longer.

[Johnny M]

If what you say is true, there would be hundreds of us, living in caves in the wilderness, having been shunned from society. That's if they didn't stone us first...

That's right, pull a straw man since you've got no valid argument to make

[Trimmer]

Hear hear....if it gives you any hope, I'm off out in a mo, on a date with a guy who's never had kids, he seems nice, he knows about my boys, and is comfortable with my situation so far, so it can be done

I agree with the positive comments here, and support the OP in that she should feel like she's a full, whole, valuable person. The comments about "social standing" are laughable, although it's a logical reality that your likely pool of interested suitors will be more narrow.

 

One thing struck me about the quote above, however: can I ask, something with an open mind? You mention that you're off on a date with a guy who's never had kids. I'm just curious why you mentioned that. Does that make him more or less desirable, or does it factor into your interest in him in any way? Because that sure sounded like the mirror-image of what the OP is talking about.

 

Incidentally, I've dated a woman with kids, and I've been really attracted to another one (with young kids), but I suppose since I'm a divorced man with kids of my own, I recognize that I'm not necessarily a prime candidate either... I am confident in who I am, so I don't think that reflects on my "social standing," or implies a "judgement" from those in my community, it's just as much a reality of dating life as if I worked 75 hours a week, or travelled all the time for work.

[Trimmer]

Now I'm not saying that every single mother is the author of her own misfortune (and maybe you are one of the exceptions), but in many cases, single mothers have only themselves to blame.

So, not every one - just most of them...

 

Too many women tie the knot without thinking about the long term viability of their marriage and as a consequence marry men that they are not compatible with. They marry these men because they've been "swept off their feet" and think they are in love (the feeling doesn't last very long), because their husband looked like a good catch on paper (educated, good job, etc.) or because they were feeling pressure from their friends, relatives or the society at large. But one thing that they did not take into consideration is whether their husband would make a good father and long-term partner. And that's why they find themselves single and unwanted.

Boy, thank goodness that never happens to us men! Whew!

 

And I'm not even talking about women who had children out of wedlock. These women are idiots and that's really all there is to say on that subject.

Thanks, Forrest.

[Johnny M]

No one-single mother or not-is entitled to anything. But what we are all entitled to is to be judged not by our social status but by our character.

And does the same apply to short/shy/too nice guys or guys who are a little down on their luck perhaps, with little money and no education? Tell me, would you date an illiterate homeless man if he was a great person? After all, we are all entitled to be judged by the quality of our character, as you say...

[polksaladannie]

will be more narrow.

 

One thing struck me about the quote above, however: can I ask, something with an open mind? You mention that you're off on a date with a guy who's never had kids. I'm just curious why you mentioned that. Does that make him more or less desirable, or does it factor into your interest in him in any way? Because that sure sounded like the mirror-image of what the OP is talking about.

 

.

I know this was not directed at me but I was expressing frustration that no man seems to want me-single dad or not-because my status as "single mom" cancels all else!

I have an "email thing" going on right now on okcupid. I think that the guy is being polite at this point and does not want to be honest and tell me that he doesn't like me in "that way". He is single with no kids.

If he did have that interest, I would consider him to be a giving and secure person who would consider me as an individual before slapping a label on me

[Johnny M]

So, not every one - just most of them...

Read carefully (or buy new glasses). I said 'many'.

 

Boy, thank goodness that never happens to us men! Whew!

Where did i say that?? Maybe you do need new glasses.

[Trimmer]

Read carefully (or buy new glasses). I said 'many'.

You're going to go all semantic on me now, and I'm sure you'll have a logically supportable comeback, but your use of the word "exceptions" implies that exceptions were relatively rare. So go ahead now and claim that's not what the statement means, and make more cute comments about my glasses.

 

And yes, by the way, since we're only allowing strictly literal readings today, I do need new glasses one of these days soon! Thanks for the heads-up!

[polksaladannie]

And does the same apply to short/shy/too nice guys or guys who are a little down on their luck perhaps, with little money and no education? Tell me, would you date an illiterate homeless man if he was a great person? After all, we are all entitled to be judged by the quality of our character, as you say...

 

 

So illiterate/homeless is on par with single mother??

[carhill]

I think that the guy is being polite at this point and does not want to be honest and tell me that he doesn't like me in "that way".

 

Honest question: How can either of you determine what 'that way' defines if you haven't pressed flesh repeatedly in person? Am I missing something?

 

Also, while I know it is completely normal and natural to have one's mind completely preoccupied with children, if a lady desires a man's attention and interest in earnest, she needs to situationally divert that attention and interest to the man. What I'm seeing now at my age is children have been replaced with grandchildren as the all-consuming attention suckers. My people-picker is now demanding equal attention and interest during the valuable time I spend with a woman. The mechanics fixed my people-picker well, methinks

[polksaladannie]

Read carefully (or buy new glasses). I said 'many'.

 

 

Where did i say that?? Maybe you do need new glasses.

 

JohnnyM-What about the ladies like me who found herself in a bad relationship and had the courage to get out? Am I undeserving of love as well?

[Johnny M]

So illiterate/homeless is on par with single mother??

But what if he's a really kind, compassionate and caring man? Doesn't he deserve to be loved by a woman???

 

JohnnyM-What about the ladies like me who found herself in a bad relationship and had the courage to get out? Am I undeserving of love as well?

Can't answer this question without hearing your ex's side of the story. But if you are as good a person as you claim to be, I think you are totally deserving of being loved by a nice divorced man with children.