worlybear Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Help. My 26 year old son has just been charged with drunk driving. The girl who was a passenger nearly didn't make it but is recovering slowly. I feel sick to my stomach that my son could have caused such grief to another family. He was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder earlier this year and I tried really hard to support him. Involving doctors,meds, mental health team.But I can't do it anymore. Not through this. My other grown up kids want me to disown him completely and so do I but I feel I must be a really bad person to not be there for him. I feel so guilty and my son says he is a mess because of the fall-out from the impending divorce between me and his dad.His Dad didn't tell me about the accident and I found out from an acquaintance. He found him a solicitor and bailed him out but my ex has now left the area to start a new life and has left son high and dry. I know my son is an adult I know its not true that its my fault but I still feel guilty and have nowhere to turn. Any advice out there?
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 HUGE hugs, worlybear. That is a difficult situation your adult son has put you in. I am glad there were no fatalities, though, and do wish his passenger a speedy and full recovery. I would suggest that you might need professional help to become comfortable with the idea of letting go your guilt and detaching yourself from the outcomes/consequences that your adult son is bringing upon himself. And, once you're okay with the idea, then learning how to actually let go and detach. It's not an easy thing...even when, intellectually, you know it's the only thing. It's not even "tough love" that's needed but holding him accountable as well as finding humility enough to really accept that you are powerless over how his life is going to unfold. Guilt is your self-judgment, so also to remember that you may have made some parenting mistakes but you did the best you can, from a loving place. Even if you made mistakes, you can still forgive yourself. Your son is the one with the misguided views and lack of understanding of his own adult obligations and responsibilities to himself. (If he was so cut-up about your divorce, then HE should have gotten professional help for himself. You don't have to take on his crap, about that.) He has the added challenge of having to deal with BPD but that is still HIS challenge to deal with...not to use as an excuse to behave poorly, blame and make others responsible for him. Groups that may be helpful include Codependents Anonymous -- to help understand dynamics between you two, and how to set firmer-healthier boundaries for yourself and for him, and also Al-Anon -- even if he is not an alcoholic, the information-education about how to stop enabling others' self-destructive thought and behaviour patterns can be useful. Again, I'm sorry that you're going through this on top of your pending divorce, and wish you the very best in your struggle to stop beating-up on yourself and find peace. You were the VERY BEST mom that you knew how to be, and it was more than good enough...your other adult kids will vouch for that, I am sure. Hugs.
Author worlybear Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Thankyou for replying. I am going to a counselling session very soon, but it all just got a bit too much. Struggling to cope in all areas of my life at the moment and people think I'm really strong and capable- but I know its all just a show- just needed to admit it I guess. As far as I know the girl is going to be ok- really hope son has custodial sentence cos then he may accept professional help and I can stand back.
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