Hurting

[FabulousLadee]

I don’t know why every single time that I go and visit my SO..I feel bad when I get back. I begin to analyze everything. Maybe I just need some encouragement and maybe some of you all go through this too.

The over head of this all is that..it will be a year in March and he hasn’t told me he loves me yet. I have told him but we had a discussion months ago about me saying it..and he asked me not to say anymore until he does because it makes him feel uncomfortable…so I haven’t said it in months

Anyway - it’s just the little things that I pay attention to. And he might just do these things because he is used to being by hisself and he is not aware of what he is doing

 

Mind you..I missed my initial flight and didn’t get to his town until 11pm at night and I had to leave right back out at 6:30 in the morning to catch my flight home..so we only had about 6 hours together

 

It was ice and snow on the ground and we had time to go to dinner and catch a movie. I had on heels but when we got out of the car..he’d walk ahead of me and I had to ask him to slow down to help me so I wouldn’t fall. Another thing is..why wouldn’t you straighten up your place a little bit before you knew your SO was coming into town?! Like..he had all week and even all day Saturday to straighten up but his place was a mess you guys. I understand that you want to be yourself but if I know that he was coming to visit me..I care enough to at least straighten up a bit before he gets there

 

Another thing, there was no holding me while we slept together. We did make love but afterwards..we laid down and he turned his back. Like I said..I don’t know if he does this being unaware or if he just doesn’t care enough.

He claims to be such an affectionate guy but we have seen each other 4 times over the course of our relationship..weekends at a time..and I don't really get that much affection from him.

 

I mean, he rubbed my back in the movies and held my hand. In the car he held my hand most of the time. But even when he was taking me back to the airport to leave..I had to grab HIS hand. I just don't get it sometimes.

 

He did pay for dinner and the movie but the ultimate hurter was this...Even though I had to catch my flight early Valentines Day morning..I made sure I told him Happy Valentines Day and I gave him a card. He didn’t get me anything or even say it to me. Even if he could have written me a note or wrote something on a napkin..I would’ve been satisfied with that.

 

Another note is that I have not yet met ANY ONE of his friends at law school..not a ONE. This time..I can understand because it was such a quick trip but the last time Halloween weekend..I was there all weekend. In his hometown..I’ve met his parents and some of his friends..and he took me to church with him so it makes me feel as if he is hiding things from me at school.

 

Another thing that get’s under my skin is when he calls me..most of the time he will call me in the middle of him studying or while he is taking a break from studying or when he is on his way to class or on his way to do something…it’s almost always a time restricted conversation. I always get that, “well I was just calling to check on you..I’m about to do this or I’m about to get back to that..”

 

And another thing..we have discussed not being friends on Facebook because of the confusion that it can cause but it really wouldn’t bother me at all. But he clearly displays his relationship status as single and it hurts my feelings. I don’t have my relationship status displayed even though I am listed as single.

 

And about the I love you thing..we were in the car coming from the movies and there was a particular scene in the movie we saw that we both thought was hilarious so in the car..he talks about us both laughing about it and casually or subconsciously said.."That’s why I love you because you get certain things..” and he went on to describe why. He said it so naturally that I think he didn’t even realize that he said it and I didn’t make him aware that he said it. I just kind of took note. He has never said the L word to me..that was the first time ever…even casually. I don’t know how to take that either.

 

I really wish that I had met him before he entered law school because he blames EVERYTHING on law school..everything.

 

I'm just confused as hell..UGH!!!!!

Edited February 16, 2010 by FabulousLadee

[Els]

Okay, honey, breathe!

 

The over head of this all is that..it will be a year in March and he hasn’t told me he loves me yet. I have told him but we had a discussion months ago about me saying it..and he asked me not to say anymore until he does because it makes him feel uncomfortable…so I haven’t said it in months

 

Some people just are... awkward with that. Especially the more conservative people. Does he show you that he loves you?

 

It was ice and snow on the ground and we had time to go to dinner and catch a movie. I had on heels but when we got out of the car..he’d walk ahead of me and I had to ask him to slow down to help me so I wouldn’t fall.

 

Forgivable, to me, if it's the first time. Has he been with at least a few girls prior, or are you his first or second relationship? Especially if it's their first time with a girl, guys tend to be completely oblivious to such stuff. After you spoke to him about it, did he make sure to try and help you?

Another thing is..why wouldn’t you straighten up your place a little bit before you knew your SO was coming into town?! Like..he had all week and even all day Saturday to straighten up but his place was a mess you guys. I understand that you want to be yourself but if I know that he was coming to visit me..I care enough to at least straighten up a bit before he gets there

 

Just how messy was it? Normal-messy, or so messy you could barely walk in it?

 

Another thing, there was no holding me while we slept together. We did make love but afterwards..we laid down and he turned his back. Like I said..I don’t know if he does this being unaware or if he just doesn’t care enough.

 

Now this... is bad. He didn't even want to hold you? Did he at least cuddle you at other times besides post-orgasm?

 

I mean, he rubbed my back in the movies and held my hand. In the car he held my hand most of the time. But even when he was taking me back to the airport to leave..I had to grab HIS hand. I just don't get it sometimes.

 

Is it really necessary to you, to hold hands all the time? Not just sometimes or most of the time?

 

He did pay for dinner and the movie but the ultimate hurter was this...Even though I had to catch my flight early Valentines Day morning..I made sure I told him Happy Valentines Day and I gave him a card. He didn’t get me anything or even say it to me. Even if he could have written me a note or wrote something on a napkin..I would’ve been satisfied with that.

 

Have you spoken to each other about your views on V-day?

 

Another note is that I have not yet met ANY ONE of his friends at law school..not a ONE. This time..I can understand because it was such a quick trip but the last time Halloween weekend..I was there all weekend. In his hometown..I’ve met his parents and some of his friends..and he took me to church with him so it makes me feel as if he is hiding things from me at school.

 

Have you told him that you'd like to meet his friends?

 

Another thing that get’s under my skin is when he calls me..most of the time he will call me in the middle of him studying or while he is taking a break from studying or when he is on his way to class or on his way to do something…it’s almost always a time restricted conversation. I always get that, “well I was just calling to check on you..I’m about to do this or I’m about to get back to that..”

 

Maybe he really is that busy? If you have Skype and internet access it'd help with this, even if he is busy studying he could leave it on at least.

 

And about the I love you thing..we were in the car coming from the movies and there was a particular scene in the movie we saw that we both thought was hilarious so in the car..he talks about us both laughing about it and casually or subconsciously said.."That’s why I love you because you get certain things..” and he went on to describe why. He said it so naturally that I think he didn’t even realize that he said it and I didn’t make him aware that he said it. I just kind of took note. He has never said the L word to me..that was the first time ever…even casually. I don’t know how to take that either.

 

Uh...

 

I really wish that I had met him before he entered law school because he blames EVERYTHING on law school..everything.

 

I'm just confused as hell..UGH!!!!!

 

Okay, conclusion is, I really do think you're nitpicking on the small stuff. If I were you, I would not judge by this single time, but instead see how he is the next few times. Or is this a problem that has already been prevalent all the previous times you visited him, and is starting to really bug you now?

[FabulousLadee]

Yeah..some of these things have happened before and it's just really beginning to tire me out. We've even talked about some of these things before.

 

I am 31..he is 29. He did tell me when we first met that he has never been in a serious relationship..even at his age. It's always been open or very casual. And I can DEFINITELY tell. I have always been in long term relationships. It's like I have to teach him or something. He is a very attractive guy..goes to the gym..very clean cut.. so I can see why because maybe he never was forced to commit to anyone and didnt have to or want to i guess.

 

As far as holding me at night..he only did that during our first visit but the other times..I'd have to kind of grab his hand to guide him to hold me.

 

There was no cuddling before or after we had sex. I think there needs to be a time where we visit each other and dont have sex at all. He just says he gets so excited and wants to get to it. I do too but goodness.

 

No we havent discussed the V-day issue at all.

 

As far as his place being messy..dishes piled up in the sink..food left out..bathroom counter cluttered to the hilt..toilet paper holder empty but the roll was sitting on the floor..he had to make up his bed when i got back to the house..pile of clothes on his loveseat where you couldnt even sit...this has been EVERYTIME Ive gone to visit him. His parents house is kind of messy too so maybe that's just the way he lives...i don't know. But I'd at least put in a little effort.

 

He pleads his case everytime and just tells me that law school is his priority...period. He says it might be very selfish of him but he has to be selfish right now. And that if he doesn't finish..(mind you..he is in his 5th term now and I met him when he was in his 2nd..he will be done next year) He will not be a happy human being and I wouldn't be happy with an unhappy man.

 

I understand all of that but he blames EVERYTHING on law school. It just erks the hell out of me.

 

He feels that emotionally..he is doing all he can do right now because he wants to remain focused. It's like he cant get too involved or too attached because he doesnt want the distraction. And I can understand that a little too but what scares me is that..if this is how he really is..law school or not..I will not be a happy woman with him.

 

That's why I said..I wish I would have met him before he entered law school.

Edited February 16, 2010 by FabulousLadee

[SuburbanOblivion]

Refuses to be friends with you on Facebook? Lists his status as single?

 

I'm not trying to say something is up, but this raises huge red flags for me. Huge.

[Bearandsue]

I agree about the facebook thing? Why cant you be "friends" if you are a couple...BIG red flag.

 

The Valentine's day thing is just unfeeling.

 

The messy house I can see past some people are just messy. The rest of it not so much.

 

I have been following your posts since the first time you guys met face to face.

 

There seems to be a lot of cons involved with this guy sweetie. But only you can decide what the outcome of this will be. I firmly believe that people can do to you what you allow them to.

 

Law school is tough but that gives him no right to treat you the way he does. How does law school affect him showing you affection and holding you.

 

All the best.

[FabulousLadee]

I prayed about it tonight and just got a real peace about it.

 

All I can do is focus on being his friend..period. I care enough about him to be there for him during this time but I will drive myself krazy if I do this to myself.

Especially if after he graduates and gets back out into the "real" world..what if things turn out a total different way?! I will be a mad b*$#%...lol

 

We talked tonight and it went well.

 

I just have to be a friend and basically give what he gives..nothing more or less.

 

He knows how I feel about him..no question so its his turn to put in what he wants out of me. No more 100% from me..and 50% from him. I'm falling back. I'm tired.

 

Thanks guys for all your help. You know ill definitely keep you posted.

[SuburbanOblivion]

I have to agree with Cannedstarfish on this one. I hate to use the cliche, but as it goes, it sounds like he's 'just not that into you'.

 

Be friends, but date other people. No sense in letting Mr. Right walk past because you are so wrapped up in Mr. Wrong or Mr. I Just Want to be Friends.

[FabulousLadee]

So why is he holding on to me?! Why does he always plead his case when I try to let him go?!

 

What's the point?!

 

That's what confuses me.

 

I don't understand.

[SuburbanOblivion]

LOL..He's got sex coming to him like Chinese takeout whenever he wants and doesn't have to lift a finger otherwise. Why *would* he let that go?

 

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would act like he was in a relationship with you.

 

Let me put it to you this way- My SO and I are literally on opposite sides of the world. We are engaged, but even when we were just together, we were facebook friends, we were linked on facebook as 'in a relationship',pictures of the two of us in our albums, we had lots of mutual friends on Twitter and Facebook, etc.

 

Everyone knew we were together.

 

When I visit him or he visits me we spend tons of time alone, but we also spend time with our mutual friends here. When I went to visit him he introduced me to his family, and took me to his favorite hangout spots. I met the bartender at his favorite pub, who already knew about me, because even when we aren't together, he talks about me. My picture is the screensaver on his phone and his computer.

 

Affection? He can't keep his hands off me whether or not we are around other people. Yes the sex is great, but we spend time playing board games, watching movies, going to the mall, all of that. He always holds my hand, kisses me, that sort of thing no matter where we are. Holidays and birthdays are ALWAYS acknowledged between the two of us.

 

Isn't that the sort of relationship you deserve?

 

The way I see it you have three options.

 

1. Tell him you are not willing to settle for scraps, and you are moving on to a happier life if he can't start acting like you are in a real relationship. (Feel free to forward him what I've written above, because truthfully no woman should settle for less, ever.)

 

2. Realize that chances are he's not going to change, and end it.

 

3. Continue to be used, because other than the occasional sex I don't see this relationship benefiting you in any way whatsoever.