takeflight14 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Hello everyone, This is my first time posting, but I have been reading this forum for a few weeks. I am at a very low point right now, and I'm seeking the advice of those of you who have been through things like this before. I began dating my ex 2.5 years ago. Our relationship, as many do, has had its ups and downs. We have broken up in the past, only to get back together again. I am now 26 and he is 23. About 8 months ago, we broke up and took some time apart. He moved in with his brother and I stayed in our apartment. During the week we didn't talk, he began talking and texting some girls he knew from work. He even considered sleeping with one of them, but changed his mind. After I found this out, I was devastated, but wanted to continue to be with him. I felt betrayed, and it affected our relationship and our sex life from that point on. I was also getting done with school a few months ago and have always had a desire to travel. I was thinking if I married him (which is a long story - but we had considered marriage a few times) - i would no longer be able to do some of the things I had dreamed of. I got depressed and put less effort into our relationship. We finally broke up again, after Christmas. I grieved for days. Then we got together again - and I realized I didnt want to be with him. I was fine. I spent a week not thinking of him. Thinking of my future. Then he texted me and wanted another chance. I gave him one and after a few days (which was about 10 days ago) he told me he wanted to be 'free' and didn't want to talk to me anymore, said I wouldn't make him happy, and that he didn't want to marry me. I was devastated again. I couldn't eat or sleep. I stll can't. I went out of town with some girlfriends and tried to have fun. I couldn't stop thinking of him. (After previously being fine that the relationship was over!) Yesterday I convinced him to meet me to pick up some stuff he had left at my place. We ended up talking for almost 4 hours and I was hoping we could reconcile. We talked alot about what each of us did wrong. We almost slept together. But then I found out that he had met a girl 3 days ago and already slept with her. After 3 days!! I felt sick and cried and couldn't believe he was capable of something like this after only three days. I embarrassinly begged him to give me another chance. He continued by saying how cool she was, how she let him feel free, how fun she was, how smart she was, but how he was afraid he would fall in love with her. This broke me. I couldn't believe he was saying these things to me. After 2.5 years together - he could sleep with some he knew for 3 days and supposedly have these feelings for her. He told me he would think about giving me another chance - but that once he makes a decision - it's final. He said he wasn't liking how things started with her and he was going to tell her he needed time. This morning he tells me he spoke to her yesterday, and she is really attracted to him and wants to be with him. He told me he thinks she loves him. (After 3 days????!!!) I'm freaking out and don't know what to do. I feel like I"m going crazy. I was fine with the relationship ending. But now - now that he has rejected me - I feel this need to prove myself to him. That I could be what he needed - that I could make him happy - etc. Help.
sedgwick Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you're in this situation. It seems quite obvious that you were fine when you had the upper hand, and knew, definitively, that you didn't want to be with him. I'm not sure why you decided to go back to him again after coming to that decision and recognizing how free it made you feel, but the fact is that you did, and now you're mourning because HE has the upper hand. This is not love, however. You don't miss him, you miss having the upper hand. The sooner you recognize this for what it is, you can begin to heal. As for him telling you about the other girl, it seems to me he did that to hurt you. Nobody falls in love after three days. They fall in lust, they become infatuated, and those feelings are quite strong, but love happens when you truly know each other. That simply cannot happen in three days. Love requires going through some trials and tribulations together and coming out stronger and more convinced of your feelings for each other. If he was truly over you, and he had slept with someone within days of meeting her, he wouldn't feel the need to tell you. He wouldn't feel the need to use the word "love" around you after a mere 72 hours. This is a blatant example of "Oh yeah? Well, I'll SHOW you I don't need you." It sounds like this guy is a bit of a waffler. I mean, look how many times you broke up and got back together in a mere 2.5 years. And then he was falling in love with this new girl, but once she declared her love for him, he was freaked out and didn't want her. He has obvious issues!
teanoranges Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Keep your head on straight. You already know you didn't want him in your life and that you were fine without him. The trick is our ego. We don't like being the one left. there's going to be lots of waves of good and bad emotions... embrace them but keep your footing in the logic you have. I would suggest NC. He can do nothing for you at the moment and you have no more reason to beg. Luckily you got that out of your system, right? Focus on you! He's not all that much more special than anyone else and you'll realize that in time. Just set your goal firm not to talk to him in at least 6 months (probably longer but its seems easier for me when I have a number to focus on, haha.) Most of all, stay honest to yourself and the situation... take and give the blame and cry it out when you have to Good luck.
Author takeflight14 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Thank you for your replies. I think maybe I am just confusing myself. I was fine without him - maybe it is hurting more since I am the one being left - but when I decided to give him another chance, I was starting to open my heart back up to a future with him. I started to believe we could really be happy if we worked on the things that had gone wrong in the past. I just can't believe the putting 2.5 years of my life into a relationship with someone could end so easily for him - without even a care in the world of how it might affect me.
GrayClouds Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Please understand his behavior is not a reflection of who you are or the love you felt. It is refection of his own immaturity, insecurities, and inability to find healthy ways of addressing these issues. It is an over the top, often guy like response, to avoid feeling bad. The 'just get back on the horse, put a bunch of women between us" mentality. A physical version of going out and getting drunk as a way to ignore reality. It suggest someone who is not confident nor strong enough in themselves, they resort to distraction rather then dealing with things directly. This is a blessing in disguise. Like you said now you have the opportunity to pursue the thing you want in life, grow as a person, discover new parts of yourself. It is a began of a great new life. Keep the focus on you.
nolanola Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Guys are different from girls that way (a lot of guys anyway). They can hook up with people without it meaning a whole lot after breaking up with someone. I know he says that it means a lot, but please. After 3 days? Give it two weeks and see if he isn't singing a different tune. Hold your head up. I know it's hard. I've been there. My ex started dating someone not too long after we broke up and I had to watch him texting her all the time (we worked together). It nearly killed me and I don't think I handled it very well. Looking back on it, I wish I had not let him know how much it bothered me. Stay strong and try to get some distance from the situation. It truly will hurt less and less and the next time you see him you will be able to be much more calm.
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