Things were getting so much better then I took a million steps backwards...

[alg24]

Thanks FO!

 

I made sure today to keep far away. I actually rode my friends polo horses this AM (The guy MM told me to go have sex with.. He has always been jealous of him.) Anyway, the extra guy who helps him wanted to take the path that goes by MMs barn. I told him that I did not want to go that way, and lets take another route.

 

Also, I needed to go to the feed store this afternoon. When I was driving by and about to pull into the left lane to turn in the plaza MMs truck was parked outside. Instead I kept driving and decided to go later.

 

The girl who helps me with my horse has been riding him all week. Saturday I need to ride him, and I need to gallop him (fast paced) up and down the canal (sadly next to married mans barn). Its my horses program and is VERY important if we want him to do well in the show this weekend. I am going to keep to my horses program, and yes saturday it involves riding close to MMs barn saturday BUT before that I will NOT be riding anywhere near him. Have also been making sure to take roads that I don't think I would run into him.

 

Phone wise Its on me. Yes he did contact me friday/saturday BUT I made the choice in texting him back/having a meltdown and texting him monday. I can make the choice to respond, text, or ignore. I just don't want to worry my parents. When I return home for a little while in June I might change my number, but at least I will be living with my parents for a couple weeks and they can see everything is okay.. Its not an excuse to keep contact, I just don't need my parents worrying anymore. This situation has been already beyond upsetting to them. If I told them that my cell phone needed to be changed they would get upset that something awful is happening.

 

FO I know its the wrong thing to ask-- its not because oh baby what does he want. But I think its so sick and twisted when you say he would contact me again Why?? I know I shouldn't try to understand it, but whats the reasoning. Shrink said its because he is still connected and wants to see if I am the same. Is he just looking to hurt me? See if the door is still open (ego wise) Does he want to get back with me (not in the romantic sense but sexual) I just view things as when you say it does its done, no reason to call/text. Especially in telling me monday-- its done for him. Then leave me the hell alone. And yes, I need to leave him the hell alone.

 

Honestly FO, he leaves beginning of May... I leave middle of May... Will he attempt to see me, say nasty things... I wonder this in a preparing sense honestly. I would tell you the truth or whats going through my head... I rather know when I get a text or call ok, FO said this would happen... Make sense?

 

Anyway, I am trying REALLY hard. Changing the schedule, leaving phone behind, keeping busy...

 

Thank you everyone =)

 

FO how are things with you?

[fooled once]

I say he will contact you because he can control you (or so he feels). He isn't going to leave it alone. He is going to think he can tell you to jump and you will say HOW HIGH. It is about ego and control. Trust me on this, okay? If I really thought he was done, I would tell you. He isn't going to like that you aren't reaching out to him - for sex, for support, for whatever.

 

It won't be done until there has been NO CONTACT either way for a minimum of a month -- and then it still might happen. Think of it this way -- no mature, married, adult would get involved with a 19 year old girl. You are young, sexy, vibrant and exciting to him. He loved the drama of it, the fighting, the making up. All of it.

 

He is a prick. He is a jerk. Look at the drama and hurt he has caused his wife and continues to do!!

 

Good luck Saturday. Make sure you have your friend with you - make sure you have friends around you. Just for support!!

[alg24]

Think of it this way -- no mature, married, adult would get involved with a 19 year old girl. You are young, sexy, vibrant and exciting to him. He loved the drama of it, the fighting, the making up. All of it.

 

He is a prick. He is a jerk. Look at the drama and hurt he has caused his wife and continues to do!!

 

Beyond beyond true.

 

I ask these questions FO truly because I want to be prepped and see it/understand it from how you view it. I promise its not me waiting to get back with him-- if I was I would tell you. I do NOT want to get back with him. Despite the pain, my life has already gotten back on track and better quality.

 

My best friend said that he would only text me if something happened with the W. She felt he texted me friday/saturday because something happened. Could be true, but he did it both days and very slick/calm. He is the type of person when he is in an argument he can get very crazy/explode. He would have said much more to me if this was the case...

 

Does he want to see me or just hurt me via text? Before we leave do you think he will attempt to come over, or just busy with saying good-bye to kids etc. During the summer (I think I will get my number changed then) out of sight out of mind? Then six months later back in the same town-- old history... Never would think of contacting me..?

 

I truly don't understand how this mind set works. You tell me good-bye forever, but yet its predicted this person will text again..

 

sick....

 

will write more.

 

Day 3 back on track.. Gotta run!!

 

 

Your the best =)

[alg24]

I guess what it comes down to is I cannot view this man as normal, and he will not follow normal behavior patterns. Its weird because sometimes he is so great, but other things he was just so out of control... He was beyond possessive, jealous, and controlling. Perhaps that should have been a red flag? He would tell me he was jealous or scared that I was up to something. Then tell me I should go out and have a good time... He would freak out about a hickey on my neck (That he put there!) and treat me awful... A day later apologizing that he forget he put it there- and he is sorry he was so crazy and I am a great girl... He told me New Years that he does care so much about me, he loves me-- but I need a man who will really love me and be everything for me. I deserve that. I am so amazing, everything for him, and he isn't enough for me.. I need to keep telling myself what a crazy person he was. He would bring the worst out in me, get me so upset... He was bad for me. I can remember stupid good memories, but at the end there weren't many...

 

At the end it was just all bull****, lies, and abuse. Maybe he cared maybe he didn't. But when you truly care about someone you don't treat them the way he treated me. Even now with it being over its so cruel to make any contact.

 

Well there is my vent =) Just got home and need to do some school work... Then gym!

[alg24]

The other thing.. And perhaps this is venting but I wanted to get this off of my chest...

 

I did enjoy being with him but I felt semi-caged. I wanted to please him, make him happy. When I came back to FL in September without him I was happy. I was living my life, going to dinners, etc. He and I talked all the time, but he wasn't here with me. Then in October I got on a plane to meet up with him and spent the week driving back to FL. We had some great days, and a couple awful ones.. The last night we had a huge HUGE fight and I truly thought it was over. We didn't talk for about four-five hours in the car... When we returned to FL it was amazing then horrific. I know things were bad with him and the W. He was pretty much staying with me but did not move in... Stuff everywhere... But I stayed by his side. I was afraid to go out with friends, do things... I was.. I latched onto him. I did enjoy coming home to him, sleep very close to him, being with him-- I felt wanted. We had some great nights. BUT this wasn't reality, this was deff. not normal, and NOT healthy for me.

 

I know it was a major blessing that he found my phone... Because if he did not he would be living with me now. Staying with me now... It would have been a very unhealthy situation. Because even with the "good" it was still the most unhealthy situation in the world.

[skywriter]

I know it was a major blessing that he found my phone... Because if he did not he would be living with me now. Staying with me now... It would have been a very unhealthy situation. Because even with the "good" it was still the most unhealthy situation in the world.

 

Ok, so then, maybe, everything happens for a reason. I've been trying to live this philosophy, so that, once I am able to say, this is all firmly behind me, in my past.....never, ever, to be relived....revisited, etc...This behavior is not who I am. If a person drains my soul and my spirit, then, they're unhealthy for me.

 

If it's good, there won't even be a question, all the pieces will fall into place.

 

You're awesome baby girl....and you are too dannie19 , don't ever let

anyone kill the spirit of who you are , what you deserve or believe in.

Edited February 18, 2010 by skywriter

[fooled once]

Hey ALG!!!!!

 

How are you doing today????

 

Is your horse ready for tomorrow???

[fooled once]

ALG - where are you??? I am beginning to worry

[alg24]

Hey FO!!! I am so sorry, everything is going well (I lost my internet in my apartment for a little bit, and I have been so busy with work I haven't really had time to deal with it/go to a starbucks)

 

Anyway, everything has been great.

 

MM left me a freaking out VM... I ruined his life blah blah, about four days ago..

Then a couple days later he left me a voicemail telling me he is sorry for everything, he really does love me, wants to make things work, and the last month he has really missed me. He wants to see me.. After that voicemail he continued to text a little. I have been ignoring... I was riding my horse to the show the other day and he saw me and stopped and stared at me... I had sun glasses on, did not look at him, and kept riding.

 

So yea... I do miss him A LOT. NC has been tough but I am DONE with the drama, and everything that comes with it. In a little less than a month he will be gone =)

 

How is everyone??

[fooled once]

Hey FO!!! I am so sorry, everything is going well (I lost my internet in my apartment for a little bit, and I have been so busy with work I haven't really had time to deal with it/go to a starbucks)

 

Anyway, everything has been great.

 

MM left me a freaking out VM... I ruined his life blah blah, about four days ago..

Then a couple days later he left me a voicemail telling me he is sorry for everything, he really does love me, wants to make things work, and the last month he has really missed me. He wants to see me.. After that voicemail he continued to text a little. I have been ignoring... I was riding my horse to the show the other day and he saw me and stopped and stared at me... I had sun glasses on, did not look at him, and kept riding.

 

So yea... I do miss him A LOT. NC has been tough but I am DONE with the drama, and everything that comes with it. In a little less than a month he will be gone =)

 

How is everyone??

 

Didn't I tell you AGAIN that he would be back? And you didn't believe me did ya You said "no he was done". Nope.

 

He wants the drama.

 

He wants to have sex.

 

He wants you to lower your standards and go back to the abuse.

 

He wants to control you.

 

He wants you to beg him to be with you.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - ---- DO NOT RESPOND to him.

 

What exactly do you miss about him? Seriously? Tell me - what is it about him that you miss????

 

How did your horse do?

[alg24]

Hey-

I am 100% sticking to NC. I just miss the attention, when it was good it was amazing, etc. I know that it was the most toxic strewed up "relationship" ever. I am done. I have no desire to jump back into the craziness. The last month has been quiet and drama FREE

 

To leave crazy voicemails blaming me for everything. Texting craziness... Then to leave a voicemail telling me he knows I don't want to speak to him but he does miss me, he cares a lot, blah blah... -my eyes rolling-

 

My horse did amazing =) This really sweet girl has been showing him in the junior classes (18 years and under) He won his class with her out of 36 horses. It was a big win. Top horses in the country, almost flawless jumping course, and she scored a 88. It felt good because I prepped him in the morning before she showed him (I rode him and made sure he felt soft and supple) She felt the difference and it made me feel good.

 

So yea...

[whichwayisup]

Congrats!! Well, double congrats! Glad your horse (and you) did well! I'm a horse rider as well (though haven't in a long time) so I know how happy you're feeling right now.

 

And, good for you for ignoring him and keeping the NC going.

 

HE is pulling out the stops - FOR reaction. First he tries to bully you, and say mean things, then he retracts it, says he misses you, wants you, loves you..Blah blah blah. He's reacting out of desparation and withdrawal, so stay strong and don't cave! You are going to be fine. Infact, you are fine.

 

It's OK to miss him, miss how he made you feel, miss the attention - But, keep it in perspective. At the end of the day all that doesn't matter because he is not doing anything different and you don't want to be the OW anymore, no longer want the A.

 

Let yourself grieve, and really go through the motions of letting go. You're much stronger than you realize.

[seren]

Alg24

Just read the thread and am so glad that your last post was so much different from the first, sounds like you are doing good and I am so glad for you.

The man sounds like a control freak and is toxic, sounds like a complete twat and you are well shot of him, as is his W. Now, the obvious pride you have about your horse and her abilities to succeed need to be applied to yourself (tis no bad thing being compared to a horse IMHO)!! You are showing amazing strength for someone so young, I hope you find someone who can show you what a truly loving relationship is like. Block all his text numbers and e mails, don't let him intimidate you. Stop beating yourself up, the A happened, it's over and now time for the next stage in your life.

 

Take care and be happy

Seren (Welsh for star)

xx

[fooled once]

You are doing fantastic!!!!

 

I am so incredibly proud of you!!!

 

Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Don't feed into his drama, don't feed into his junk.

 

Remember, you are better than him. You DESERVE MUCH better than him. You have so much more CLASS than him!!!

 

And hooray to your horse!! Good job on him!!

 

 

I am sooo proud of you!!! Keep it up! WOO HOO!!!!

 

[BB07]

:laugh: Yay!!!! Alg I'm clapping and cheering you on!

 

I'm proud of you also. I can see such a difference in the tone of your posts, you are on your way back.

 

Pats on the back and hugs of congratulations to you sweetie.

[alg24]

Thank- you everyone! And anyone struggling with NC or ending a "relationship" with a MM or MW you can do it! Stay strong!

 

In regards to my horse I was so happy.. It was a great win for both... I trained him from a young horse and its been so rewarding =)

 

MM is trying his best to get me back. I am done with it. I still have some days that are harder than others.. But I see how much happier I have been, and I just don't want to go back to that dark place... The fighting, drama, pain, etc. Just not worth it.. Today when I was riding home from the horse show I saw him, his boss, and another guy riding. They all said hello, and I looked in the direction and just said hi. If it was just MM I would have not said anything, but since it was his boss (and the boss knows me-- knows we were together) I just didn't want to be rude. He didn't call me today though... Or text =)

 

I am so much happier and confident. I am not ready to start seeing anyone yet... Or be casual... Want to get my life back together.. So yea...

 

FO your the best =)

[fooled once]

Thank- you everyone! And anyone struggling with NC or ending a "relationship" with a MM or MW you can do it! Stay strong!

 

In regards to my horse I was so happy.. It was a great win for both... I trained him from a young horse and its been so rewarding =)

 

MM is trying his best to get me back. I am done with it. I still have some days that are harder than others.. But I see how much happier I have been, and I just don't want to go back to that dark place... The fighting, drama, pain, etc. Just not worth it.. Today when I was riding home from the horse show I saw him, his boss, and another guy riding. They all said hello, and I looked in the direction and just said hi. If it was just MM I would have not said anything, but since it was his boss (and the boss knows me-- knows we were together) I just didn't want to be rude. He didn't call me today though... Or text =)

 

I am so much happier and confident. I am not ready to start seeing anyone yet... Or be casual... Want to get my life back together.. So yea...

 

FO your the best =)

 

I feel like a proud mamma! You have grown so much in the last couple of weeks!! You are doing it - you are turning your life around and while it has been hard at times, you are headed in the right direction!

 

I am just so proud of you!!!