oneheart Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 You have not really 'messedupsobad' , maybe your emotions have got the better of you a few times but those emotions aren't wrong. I'm having a tough time too - not the same but kinda similar where everything was somehow my fault and I was pathetic. It was making me so unhappy. What happened? What have I done about it? Well - at the end of MY tether I went away for a few days, studied, went out with friends, went to some talks at the gallery, saw my supervisor in uni and all of it made me realise - "oh my god, I have a life waiting for me just here and actually it's quite good. Cor- it's really tough at home." And I wrote down the worst and best bits of my life thinking what caused them, why they where there, what can I do about them, are they justified....etc But I ached in pain with every breath for the first couple of days - diving into loos to cry, teary round the supermarket etc...it was so painful but I knew I had to THINK FOR MYSELF for a bit. Just me on my own. I spoke to friends about it but ultimately I gathered myself together. My boyfriend missed me. He was pleased to hear my plans to have me time on my studies and friends - it meant he could do whatever he wanted too. I explained rationally what upset me and why I thought we had got to the painful place we had. I told him we needed some rules over communicating because we didn't do it very well and he agreed. He sounds a bit like my bf. But have you really given yourself some space away from him? Just you lady. You may think that he holds your world together and esp because you are not in your home country - but he is not you, you are breathing, walking, eating you have shelter and some people you can talk to (but maybe you should have a few more - I've just started playing squash with a girl - it's great, exercise, a laugh and after a big long girlie chat). Time away to think is an investment into yourself and the relationship. It will do no harm. If you fear it will end if you leave to just 'take a few days to think about things' - if it ends because you want to be sensible and deal with things then it wasn't right. If he loves you he won't mind. The one thing I realised about my relationship with my bf (and told him so after I came back from having a think) is that our relationship is fragile. I suppose all our. I imagined it like a glass ball. We had been throwing it around so damagingly and disrespectfully in the way we spoke to each other and if we carried on, it was going to break and painfully. It needs to be handled with care. Especially as it's so fragile right now. It needs to be treated with gentleness, kindness and respect. I also said that we must start to listen to ourselves. If things are stressful, tired or whatever - there is never any hurry to sort out problems - we must talk when we are ready - that time is so precious and helpful and it really helps to work things out and makes you approach the problem with kindness and gentleness. I think you have to trust time passing. It is not harmful in fact it is benficial. Trust yourself, trust patience and realise that panic often results in drama and emotional turmoil. You have A LOT to give. He may have some to give. But you are with a big taker and a little giver. Only by showing some strength will you appeal to this guy. It sounds like he has his mum hanging on to him as well as you. Now you have got the strength! Sometimes we have to sit with the pain a while for things to become clear. I don't think you are even giving yourself the chance to really think because you are reacting every time you panic. You cannot deny or escape those feelings that make you feel so awful. But you don't have to react so quickly and emotionally. Write them down, explore them and think what you can do to get the best for you and for him. I hope this helps. I do feel for you and if I have said something you think crap I don't mind it's just my 5 cents (as they say, but not in Manchester lol!) now it's really up to you. Some people on here are so helpful so pick out what makes sense and digest it. Good luck. *hug* x
Author messedupsobad Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Update: Gathered some courage last night...all I was trying to do was tell him that I am trying to make things better and the only thing I needed to know was whether he actually meant it when he said on sunday that the only reason he was with me was coz I was emotionally blackmailing him into being with me...coz basically I told him that if he wants to let me let go of him..I will do so...dont want to cause him anymore unhappiness... But somehow rather than saying yes or no, he went on about how I shouldnt wait till things are completely ruined before trying to make them better, and that why did I ruin everything. And then he started bringing past issues with my ex up and kept screaming 'I hate you B****' over and over again and put the fone down. Typically, I rang him back and he was really really rude but I again reasoned with him to not be so angry I dont know why I cant stand it when he's hurt/angry/upset and have to keep calling to try and make it better...its like I have lost all my self-respect...now there's two of us in this relationship who dont respect me And then towards the end he said he was ok to give me another chance etc, and I promised I wouldnt get upset at anything again - meaning that now even when I'm upset, I have to just put a smile on my face and act as if nothing is wrong. I went to sleep and had this horrible dream where he kept shouting and swearing at me and kicking me in the face while I was lying on the ground...there was blood everywhere...and guess what, called him at 1am..just said I was feeling restless and he said something like 'dont feel restless' (in a nice tone) and we said bye...I had the same dream twice again and woke up at around 3am and 5:30am... He called me at 8am to wake me up for work - something he used to do a lot when I started my job in October - and I told him about my dream, not to make him feel bad or cause conflict but just coz I had my guard down, coz I had just woken up. he texted me saying 'love u my baby, sorry for shouting at u in your dreams' and I wrote back saying 'dont worry, blah blah'. He texted me at around 10pm asking if 'everything was ok?' I said 'yeah of course, why?' and he said 'just feeling guilty about yesterday I guess so like am worrying if you're ok xxx sorry baby xxxx ' I wrote back saying 'I'm fine, past is past, if we hold onto past we'll ruin our present'. Anyways, still feel like s**t atm, its like am dying inside but to tell anything to him would be to instigate WW3 right now...so I'll just let it be I guess. Didnt call him on my lunch break and its taken a lot of effort, dont know if I can keep it up till after work
counterman Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) Do you see what this is doing to you? This has reduced you to something even you loathe. From my experience, when my ex was angry or pissed off at me, she would blame everything on me. If I tried to calm her down or reach out to her, she would pull back even more. It got so ridiculous that I ended up chasing her down the tunnel because she was so mad. Even if he's hurt or angry or upset, there's no reason to use any expletives or make any derogatory comments. Notice how nothing is ever his fault. Giving you a chance? You are giving HIM a chance, a change to work with you on your issues and a chance for him to show that he really cares. Any person can see that you're suffering and, if he knows that he's incapable of dealing with this in the right way, he should let you go. Why are you taking this from him? Honey, I feel for you. I really do. This touches really close to my heart. But, you have to see for yourself that it is wearing you down and tearing you up inside. All this effort is amounting to nothing. Putting a smile on your face, you might be fooling him but you're definitely not fooling yourself. You can't just be submissive and try to not start any arguments. It's like your stepping in a field full of mines. Each step you take must be so bloody careful that one wrong step you make could blow you up. That's no way to live your life, hun. Show yourself some respect and don't accept any of this. That's what I think anyways. Take care of yourself first because you seem as though you need to get away and relax for a little while. Tell us how you feel about all of this and read over what you write. Edited February 18, 2010 by counterman
oneheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Dreams are funny. I just thought I would tell you about my dream last night as I posted earlier I am with a guy who has similar traits. I had a farm, I had a black cow and a black bull. The cow was really clam and lovely but the bull was really pushy, I couldn't really control him to stay in his yard. I tried to tie him up but the knot kept coming undone. I watched as knocked so many things over and I was trying with all my might to push it back into it's stable but it was just pushing me back and at the same time snotting all over me...... basically I think the message is... I can't change him or control him, he is difficult - it's up to him as well as me where this goes from here and I think it is the same with you. You've given yourself the impossible task to not to express yourself when you feel sad, when you have every right to. When he is angry there is NO POINT in trying to talk to him. OK he may calm down eventually but you may aswell step away til he cools off to make sure he is not 'kicking you in the face'. Your post reminded me of what my bf said to me once when he was angry .. I nearly spat my teeth out.. he said.. "You need to learn how to behave."... hmmm I still think you should take some time away from him. Let him miss you and give him space.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Update: Gathered some courage last night...all I was trying to do was tell him that I am trying to make things better and the only thing I needed to know was whether he actually meant it when he said on sunday that the only reason he was with me was coz I was emotionally blackmailing him into being with me...coz basically I told him that if he wants to let me let go of him..I will do so...dont want to cause him anymore unhappiness... But somehow rather than saying yes or no, he went on about how I shouldnt wait till things are completely ruined before trying to make them better, and that why did I ruin everything. And then he started bringing past issues with my ex up and kept screaming 'I hate you B****' over and over again and put the fone down. Typically, I rang him back and he was really really rude but I again reasoned with him to not be so angry I dont know why I cant stand it when he's hurt/angry/upset and have to keep calling to try and make it better...its like I have lost all my self-respect...now there's two of us in this relationship who dont respect me And then towards the end he said he was ok to give me another chance etc, and I promised I wouldnt get upset at anything again - meaning that now even when I'm upset, I have to just put a smile on my face and act as if nothing is wrong. I went to sleep and had this horrible dream where he kept shouting and swearing at me and kicking me in the face while I was lying on the ground...there was blood everywhere...and guess what, called him at 1am..just said I was feeling restless and he said something like 'dont feel restless' (in a nice tone) and we said bye...I had the same dream twice again and woke up at around 3am and 5:30am... He called me at 8am to wake me up for work - something he used to do a lot when I started my job in October - and I told him about my dream, not to make him feel bad or cause conflict but just coz I had my guard down, coz I had just woken up. he texted me saying 'love u my baby, sorry for shouting at u in your dreams' and I wrote back saying 'dont worry, blah blah'. He texted me at around 10pm asking if 'everything was ok?' I said 'yeah of course, why?' and he said 'just feeling guilty about yesterday I guess so like am worrying if you're ok xxx sorry baby xxxx ' I wrote back saying 'I'm fine, past is past, if we hold onto past we'll ruin our present'. Anyways, still feel like s**t atm, its like am dying inside but to tell anything to him would be to instigate WW3 right now...so I'll just let it be I guess. Didnt call him on my lunch break and its taken a lot of effort, dont know if I can keep it up till after work Do you want to live like this? Too scared to say anything in case he abuses you again? The dreams are not far off what he is doing to you, someday he could be kicking you in the face, I hate to say it, but he has you isolated from the people who care about you most, hating yourself, and controlling you. I beg you to really rethink this relationship. This is exactly how abuse starts, it could spiral completely out of control. He has you thinking you're emotionally blackmailing him? What about what he does to you? Pinning the blame on you all of the time, he isn't giving you a chance, it should be you giving him a chance. Do you want to be with an immature man like him?
oneheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 What harmfulsweetz has highlighted there is just how an abuser would behave in an abusive relationship ... it's frightening to see. This may be really over dramatic to say this and apologies for it, but, the pattern of behaviour is similar to a man who beats his wife and she won't leave because she loves him and believes his behaviour is her fault. How he shouted at you is disgusting. My bf has occassionally said really cutting things but never quite as harsh as that. By being alright with him after he has behaved that way you are giving him the message that it IS ok to be that way with you. You need to make it clear IT IS NOT! This is going to be terrible if it continues. I REALLY think you should take a break. I'm not quite sure why you are putting up with this.
OnlyJake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Wow. So basically your bf doesn't have to be responsible for his own behavior (let alone his relationship with you) because when he acts like a complete psycho douche and flips out on you, you DROP THE ISSUE OF YOUR NEEDS and beg him not to leave you. Why do you let him control you like that?
Author messedupsobad Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I guess the good times we've had together are so close to my heart...he wasnt always like this....initially he used to be so loving, so caring, always hugging me, kissing me, telling me how much he loved me...and he was sooo nice, so perfect, we had such great times together...just thinking about those moments makes me love him sooooo much, its like he's a part of me and without him I'm incomplete and I cant even breathe....he would call me to tell me how much he misses me, text me to tell me how special I was...we dreamt of all these places we would travel to, how good life would be when we'd be together all the time... I believed we were forever, even had sex with him when all my life I was so sure I was going to wait till after I got married, I trusted him soo much, he was my true love and now I've lost it He's not a bad guy, I guess he's stressed out with work etc. and I just made it worse with my constant getting annoyed at silly things...I wish I could just turn back time and do things differently.... I'm going away on Sunday for 3 weeks...he is coming to see me for my birthday on the weekend of 27/28 feb......a part of me thinks that if he's feeling obliged to come then I'd rather he doesnt but then if he doesn't...it means being all alone on my birthday, which I dont think I can handle...and if I annoy him anymore and he decides to not come...coz thats what happened on valentines, I called him in the morning to wish him a happy valentines day and he was still asleep and got really annoyed that I woke him and didnt want to come see me for valentines...I had to beg so much...and if he tells me he doesnt want to see me on my bday...it'll really hurt... I'm missing him so much right now...but he's sleeping and might get really annoyed if I wake him up...I know I'd feel so much better if I could just have a hug from him and if he held me tight and told me that its all been a bad dream over the past 2 months...its like I still cant believe this is real, that this happened to me...happened to us, we were so much in love.
OnlyJake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) I think Alexisonfire said it best: Now we are not the kids we used to be, stop wishing for yesterday. You would do yourself a great disservice if you continue to ignore REALITY. Why waste time making yourself even more miserable by wishing for a rosy past (that didn't actually exist - like other posters I also checked out your other thread ), when that is clearly not the reality now? Yes, your bf is a XXL-sized douche, but your misery is your fault, because instead of recognizing reality and dealing with it or accepting it, you're down in the dumps and completely miserable because your bf isn't the person you WISH he was. Stop trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. Dump him, work on yourself, and find a round peg to fit in a round hole. You'll be much happier. The more negative and angry he gets, the more affraid you are of him leaving, and the less of a deal your own needs/issues are...you do see the problem here, right? I'd like to think you do, because in some posts you actually almost acknowledge this, and in the next post you're desperate again. To rephrase, he's emotionally blackmailing you. At the very least, you realize that he is abusive, right? Its a cycle of behavior he uses to get his way. You walk on eggshells so as not to offend him, but at the same time, doing so makes you less valuable because you are allowing yourself to be gamed. Edited February 18, 2010 by OnlyJake
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