Trying to make things right again...

[messedupsobad]

Ok so basically my bf and I are having some trouble, as I described on

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221484/

 

We had a major fight on valentines day, and he basically said he's done with me and only with me coz I emotionally blackmail him (crying, make his feel guilty etc. coz basically I'm not from England and only came here for university. After that, decided to stay back coz of him and found a job here, so I guess he feels guilty that I'm away from my family etc, alone by myself and now he doesnt want to be there for me but feels obliged to).

 

From the responses on my previous thread, I realise that I have been suffocating him, and just need to let things get better by themselves...not force them to get better, and not bring up old arguments again to try and conclude them...we've got a communicatio breakdown and I guess things need to get much better from both our sides (we're both feeling quite low and emotionally drained), before trying to talk about anything.

 

So in this thread, I aim to keep a log of my actions, our conversations etc. and hopefully with your input, I can learn to act right and it will make things better.

 

All the advice I can get will be much appreciated. I'm using the internet because as said before (a) I have no family in England whatsoever (b) All my friends I went to Uni with, I gave up for my boyfriend coz he wasnt too happy about me hanging out in the same group as my ex.

[messedupsobad]

Tuesday - 16/02/2010 1:45pm - Text conversation

 

Him: Hey baby, how r u today? How's work going? xxxxx

 

Me: Hey baby, yeah its going good so far, just finished some work that took all morning to do. Had this weird bean and tomato soup for lunch, Hows yr day going? Mwah xxx

 

Him: Lol just woke up! Dunno what's wrong with me 12 hrs of sleep and still feel tired xxx

(he asked for some advice as well)

 

Me: Gave him a couple of options for his problem. and asked him what he thinks. Added: 'don't worry, you're working hard so need enough sleep' love you tons xxx

 

Him: Decides to go with option 1 on my advice. Adds: love you loads too xxxxx

 

--------

 

Have I done ok so far?

[counterman]

That's a good idea, IMO! Also, note how you are feeling too.

 

I would say this though. When bringing up old arguments and trying to conclude them, it was always going to happen sooner or later. Some things you can let go... but others, if you stifle them and you make the same mistakes again and again, you can't help but remember that it has happened before in the past and, sometimes, in the heat of the moment you may bring it up and things just get worse. I think they are best solved at the moment and through communication, rather then trying to "forget about it" so to speak.

 

In my experience, I use to bring stuff up from the past. My ex never use to want to work with me on issues. She thought that things SHOULD be fine and that since we weren't married, we shouldn't be having any problems. I tried my best not to bring up things from the past, mistakes that were made but when it happens again and again, I just wanted to settle it once and for all. She was never up for it though. It got to the point where I was drained and emotionally exhausted and she was growing in resentment for me. Bringing up the past arguments doesn't get you anywhere but leaving current arguments and stifling them doesn't either. From my personal experience anyways.

 

We're all here for you but find your friends!

 

Oh, I just saw your post! Yes, you have! =] Good job! Keep it up!

[messedupsobad]

Thanks so much counterman! That's exactly what he says...that we arent married and we shouldnt have problems like this. and he says his biggest fear is that we wont stop fighting, and I'll always kick off on him for things in my head which occur in my head coz apparently I twist everything he says around and if I didnt think of him negatively...I wouldnt twist things around in my head to make him sound so bad...I guess he's right about that sometimes...I have acted over-touchy and acted like its the end of the world over nothing too major (it did seem major then).

 

I guess he is really stressed out as well...he should have finished his PhD last year October and still hasnt...and he blames that 100% on me..says if I didnt kick off all the time..he would have been done with his PhD ages ago...I think he is generally feeling low about himself too...he says this is not what he imagined his life would be like when he was 27. Also, I should mention...that one of the things that makes our fights really bad is his parents relationship. Apparently, his parents hate each other and dont even speak to each other unless they have to (but they are still married) and his mum keeps telling him things like 'people can't change no matter how much you try and change them and that he is better off without me'

 

It makes me angry. Why should she let her failed relationship be an example for him? I honestly believe that if 2 people are in love and work at things together, they can be happy together. My mum and dad have been married for almost 30 years and they've had their fair share of problems. But I dont remember a single night where they've gone to bed angry at each other. And that's coz they understand each other and put each other before themselves.

 

Rather than motivating him to try and work things out, she is actively discouraging him from making any effort, which is affecting his mind. Coz even if a little part of him wants to make an effort, her talk about 'there's no such thing as love, no one loves anyone, its all just words' affects him and makes him bitter. A couple of times, I have sort of mentioned that maybe its not 100% his dad's fault that their marriage has not been good, but he thinks the world of his mum and doesnt really like his dad...so I'm quite careful with what I say.

 

Thanks counterman, I feel better just sharing all these with someone. I wish I had started doing this a bit earlier rather than waiting till everythin was so damaged. but better late than never I guess.

 

Regarding friends, I've actually moved to Manchester and live here now. Don't know a single soul in the city. All my old friends live in Sheffield. I might get in touch with them on FB to just say hello. But I know my bf will react badly to this, he has always been a bit jealous of my ex. So I dont know if I should tell him or not?

[counterman]

I think it is great that you can recognise your part in these arguments and can understand that he is stressed. Though, you both have to stay positive as well... even if it seems as though your always arguing. My ex use to say to me "why continue this for if we're just going to keep on arguing and arguing?" and that use to hurt me because it didn't seem like she wanted to work with me at all. It seemed like she didn't want me and she didn't. Nothing is that major that it's the end of the world. Sometimes our emotions do get the better of us, and we don't think about the things we say. Things that seem major back then may seem to be of little significance later on. This is what I found out later on... after my break up. I just learnt how to let things roll off my shoulder easily.

 

Maybe he's blaming himself as well for not getting his PhD earlier? It just seems easier to blame it on someone else but I think a part of him may be blaming himself. My ex-girlfriend use to blame her lack of success in her studies on me, but she never thought that if we had worked together on our problems, then we would be happier and she would have less to worry about and more time to focus on her studies. I was always encouraging her but it takes two to tango as they say. Life is full of twists and turns, and complications. Thus is the dynamic nature of life. It's how you deal with it that matters.

 

Well, I heard from somewhere that any guy who has a failed relationship with their mum will have problems in his relationships with women. I don't know if that's true but I guess at least a part of it is true. You are right, his parent's failed relationship shouldn't affect the outcome of yours. It should not be an example, IMO. Though, I can understand why he would take his mum's perspective. At 27 though, I think he is far more capable of thinking for himself. His mum is sort of right. I don't think you can really change someone. It's up to that person to change themselves. But, saying that he's better off without you? That's a bit cruel. Your parents are examples that it does work out if two people love and work together. My parents too:)

 

It would be really difficult for him to not listen to his mum and to take all that she's saying in. Of course it isn't his dad's fault completely, no matter what his mums say. You are right to tread carefully with this if he thinks the world of his mum. No matter what you say though, he has to realise himself that his mum had some part in marriage break-up as well.

 

No worries. It is always good to let it out and write down your thoughts and feelings. I wish that maybe I could have found this forum earlier myself. It would have saved me a lot of pain. But, we both learn and, like you said, better late than never.

 

Yes, definitely get in touch with some of your friends! I wouldn't want my girlfriend talking to one of her ex as well, so I don't know about that. I can understand why you spoke to him, albeit that you have no feelings for him. However, this would be a little harder for your boyfriend to comprehend. So, maybe just sort out your friends but not you ex? That's just a suggestion.

 

Also, take up some hobbies as well. You can always have fun by yourself!

[messedupsobad]

Couldnt resist..sent him a text saying got my details for the hotel in London etc. and said would email him the links. No reply. Its been half an hour :'( I keep thinking how he would have acted before all the fights...he would always text me back instantly...and now he cant be bothered...I feel really angry...just wanna lash out at him, but I know it'll make it worse.

ARRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[New Again]

Sounds like your bf blames everyone for his problems except himself.

[messedupsobad]

Sounds like your bf blames everyone for his problems except himself.

 

Yeah, when he gets angry...he blames me for everything...

1) his work - the fact that he hasnt finished his PhD on time is 100% my fault

 

2) his health - he says my fights have caused him stress that has caused him some skin rash thing, though later he says even his dad has the same problem and he blames me for his smoking a lot...he says everytime he tries to quit, I 'kick off' and he smokes a lot more than usual coz of my fights, but he used to smoke even before I met him, and he says I'm the reason he hasnt been able to use his gym membership and get any exercise...

 

3) him not having friends - coz I take up all his time so he doesnt have friends. But this is soooooo untrue. I remember back in 2008 when he moved to a new halls of residence I kept telling him to make friends and he went out quite a bit, but he just wasnt able to make friends. But apparently its all my fault now.

 

4) him not giving enough time to his mum - his mum is the type who calls him everyday...at least half a dozen times and texts etc...even when he's visiting me in Manchester, she keeps texting asking when he will leave to go back to Nottingham (he goes to Uni there). etc. I have never ever ever minded this and was quite cool...even when we're sometimes out together and he says 'can I call mum for a second' I'd be like yeah of course its not a problem. But now he makes it sound like I dont let him talk to his mum. I dont understand why his mum's got to be like that...is it normal for them to talk 6 times a day? I guess coz she doesnt get on with the dad, she doesnt have many other ppl to talk to about her day etc. I dont really mind them talking at all, but it makes me angry that he feels like that. And what's with the constant calling him when she knows he's on the fone with me??!!?? I guess she tells him off for not giving her enough attention so he takes it out on me.

 

5) he says his personality has changed and he has become a very negative person because of me and he used to always be happy and think the whole world was nice and now he thinks the world's an evil place because of me...lol...writting this actually made me laugh at the idea of his feeling like that...

 

6) His weight - he's apparently always had weight issues but he's put on a stone because he eats so much when we fight...and not just that...its also my fault that when he comes to Manchester to visit me, I'd say ok lets go out to eat and then when we order food he cant help but scoff it all...or he'd never order a salad or something like that...he'd order a big meal, with starters and side and then eat it all even when he's full but its all my fault for wanting to go eat out...

 

At the end of the day, I suffer too in our fights, I hurt, I cry, but then i do what needs to be done...go to work, do my chores, etc etc. because it is my responsibility...yeah the only one thing that I dont do is when we fight I can go for days without eating properly and just eating chocolates and drinking coffee...but I never blame that on him...its just my way being sad...

 

so basically, my fault - 100%, his fault - NIL

[New Again]

So why are you dating him????

 

Honestly, I think that after you waste 3 more years with this guy you're finally going to get sick of it and dump him.

[messedupsobad]

So why are you dating him????

 

Honestly, I think that after you waste 3 more years with this guy you're finally going to get sick of it and dump him.

 

 

I really do love him, and to be fair to him, he acts like this only when he's angry. When I look back at the past, when we first started seeing each other, he was always so nice, caring, attentive, loving. I guess I feel like I screwed it up and need to make it better.

 

One of my biggest mistakes was to expect him to say things that I wanted to hear...so for example, I'd have a fight with my sister and:

 

Me: God! My sister is such a pain, she did this and did that, drives me crazy sometimes

 

Him: I never understand why people have got to be like that, my dad does this too and I feel like why be like that etc etc.

 

and then I start thinking (in my head), well u know what, I was having a rant about my sister, and looking for you to say something like 'dont stress out baby, you know what she's like, maybe she wasnt having a good day' and make a joke. Instead, he goes on and on and on about his dad/uncle/aunt who did exactly the same thing somehow...and the conversation turns from me having a rant to him coming across to me as being really really wound up...

 

And this caused quite a few fights...coz usually instead of feeling better after a rant, I feel like he's not understood my situation at all, and just gone off on what people he know did...and we're both wound up.

 

I guess I should have kicked off at such things, but it seemed major at that point...

 

But honestly, I just miss those days when we were just so happy and content

[New Again]

Me: God! My sister is such a pain, she did this and did that, drives me crazy sometimes

 

Him: I never understand why people have got to be like that, my dad does this too and I feel like why be like that etc etc.

 

and then I start thinking (in my head), well u know what, I was having a rant about my sister, and looking for you to say something like 'dont stress out baby, you know what she's like, maybe she wasnt having a good day' and make a joke. Instead, he goes on and on and on about his dad/uncle/aunt who did exactly the same thing somehow...and the conversation turns from me having a rant to him coming across to me as being really really wound up...

 

Right, so he's self-centered as well as a victim who can't accept responsibility for himself, his actions, and his own life.

 

It's great that you want to accept responsibility for your problems with your bf, but it's really not helpful to you or your relationship for you to try to shoulder all the blame. It takes two. You and your bf have a very unhealthy dynamic, and he really doesn't sound like much of a catch anyways.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but trust me, I've been there too, thinking "oh but I love him."

 

It really sucks to lose something you thought you had, but I think you need to face facts: sure, that's how things used to be (although I thought you said you've ALWAYS fought like crazy right from the beginning), but that's not the way they are now. I really don't think you're ever going to get back what you thought you had with this guy. At least not with this particular person. Really it sounds like you're just finally being confronted with who he really is. The person you thought you were dating (the caring and whatever else positive) person you thought you were dating clearly doesn't exist. You're allowing him to say: YOU made me this way. Um, no, he's always been that way and it has nothing to do with you. At the very most you've allowed him to show his true colors by not having good boundaries (and he as well).

 

I realize that you're not going to take my advice, but I think you would be much better off accepting this, dumping him, and finding someone else.

[New Again]

But honestly, I just miss those days when we were just so happy and content

 

Stop wishing for the past. That is not the reality any longer. Find someone else to be happy and content with. It's not gonna happen with this guy.

[messedupsobad]

I dont know New Again, I feel like I screwed up and thats why its the way it is now...and really wanna give it at least one honest shot to make it better...

 

As for the fights, initially I used to 'kick off' and he used to try and talk sense into me i guess...but I dont know..it just always felt like he was not understanding the problem but constantly defending...after a while, he started with the swearing and verbal abuse, putting the fone down until I constantly foned him to apologise for being upset...and thats when the major fights started according to him...he says its coz he started fighting me back, its gotten really bad...

 

He is generally a very defensive person..like I remember once (during happy times) he bought this shirt and asked me how it was...I thought it was horrible but I said 'baby, white looks so good on u..why dont u wear yr white shirt instead' and he got into this big sulk coz he wanted to wear the blue one..so I said 'I dont really mind either way, you're so super-hot to me in both' and then in the end he realised for himself when he got ready that the blue shirt was disguisting and he's never worn it ever. So its like u cant really tell him anything, even if u sugar coat it, he will get all sulky about it.

 

But I dont know...I;ve made a commitment to our relationship...I really want it to work...besides, what if I can never love anyone else again? what if no one else can love me again? what if I'll never have anything close to what this relationship meant to me? i know its shallow, but I'm scared of being alone

[New Again]

Like I said, I've been in that type of situation before - not your specific situation by any means, but same idea. I guess what my advice comes down to is that it takes two people to make a relationship. It takes two people to screw up a relationship. It takes two people to fix a relationship.

 

You didn't mess things up on your own, and I very much doubt that anything will change, because your bf doesn't seem to be on board to fix things. Come on, he can't even accept responsibility for himself!

 

I do wish you the best.

 

 

But I dont know...I;ve made a commitment to our relationship...I really want it to work...besides, what if I can never love anyone else again? what if no one else can love me again? what if I'll never have anything close to what this relationship meant to me? i know its shallow, but I'm scared of being alone

 

Pssht, don't be silly There are billions of people on this planet.

[harmfulsweetz]

May I ask, what is changing/altering to be with you? Has he said that he will keep in more regular contact, not blame you etc? It seems that the onus of this relationship lies on you. It must be incredibly difficult to be in a country away from your family because of him, I'm not suggesting you blame him or anything, but the issues are going to be there regardless of which way you paint it. It's only natural you may cling to him more than someone else, because you are away from people you know, etc etc. Out of your comfort zone.

 

Stop blaming yourself for everything. Maybe you do smother him, that's not good, and you'll come to learn in time and effort to change this, but you can't place all the blame in your corner.

 

I'm in total agreement with New Again, I don't see it happening with this guy. He wants and expects you to shoulder the blame, bear the burden, when in relationships, each person must accept responsibility for where things go wrong for it to work. One day, you will wake up and think 'oh god, I've just wasted another 4 years of my life taking the blame for something which isn't my fault'. It seems like you are the only one sacrificing anything, changing anything, admitting wrong. You can't do this alone. It's a two-way street and sooner or later, you'll see what an unhealthy dynamic the two of you have. He knows if he pins the blame on you, you will take it tenfold. Is that fair to you?

 

It actually borders on abusive/ emotional abuse what he is doing to you. He's convincing you that all of his problems are your problem and your fault, well, no that's not true at all. This will ebb away at your self esteem, if it hasn't already (I think it has.)

 

I used to be in this sort of relationship. We would fight, over the silliest things, but no matter what he said in the fights, what he did, it was somehow my fault. The blame always landed at my door. In the end, I felt so low, I just took the blame, thinking I was so very bad, and the wrong one in the R. Really, it was both of us, I just spent so long shouldering the blame, that I neglected to confront him with that truth. He said I smothered him, (I didn't, in all honesty, I'd email him asking a small question which required a two word response, he would reply back with more questions and then blame me when he didn't get his work done!)

[messedupsobad]

Hey harmfulsweetz,

 

I guess he isnt changing anything to be with me, from his point of view, he's just fed up of trying, fed up of the fights and so yeah basically he said its either I act better or its over

 

I'm just hoping that if I let things get better for a few weeks, and not cause any fights coz either he didnt call me, or didnt answer my text or didnt say the words I wanna hear, then we can get to a point where we're able to communicate again. Coz right now, If I say a word re previous fight/argument or bring up any unresolved conflict or any new conflict occurs...he will just put the phone down and I'll go back to square one i.e. him rejecting me and telling me to get lost, and me crying and begging him to take me back and promising I'll make an effort.

 

You're right, its hard, and I feel worthless at this point. But in his words 'he's at the end of his tethers' and I cant expect him to resolve anything at this point. Its kinda scary how I'm feeling...I love him/miss him loads and then go to the other extreme and hate him and wish that he'd hurt as bad as I am...

[messedupsobad]

Update, text conversation 9pm:

 

HIM: Hey baby, what you upto? xxx

 

ME: Hey nothing much, reading glamour. Stopped at starbucks on way back from work, they dont do the gingerbread latte we had that day any more lol. Hows everything with u baby? xxx

 

HIM: Oh no! No gingerbread latte! I can try and make by putting a gingerbread man into a normal latte lol xxxx I just got back from gym xxxxx what you doing now? xxxxx

 

ME:Haha I can picture this gingerbread man coming to life and tryina get away from us. xxxx

 

HIM: It wont get far with us around!! Love you xxxx

 

ME: Love you too xxxx

 

 

 

What do you guys think? Did I do ok? I usually text him before going to sleep...and was wondering if I should tonights because if I dont he might think I'm tryina act unloving and sort of pay him back for treating me badly on valentines. Coz he says I always pay him back after fights by acting distant. But I've been quite loving in all my text replies...what do u guys think? text him before bed or not??

 

Thanks so much you all. I'm actually feeling a bit better after posting on here and getting your replies...and feel like its not too hard breathing atm...but dont know how it'll be tomorrow...I guess as long as we dont fight, things might get bit better. Not sure though if he'll ever go back to feeling the way he used to about me

[New Again]

Hey harmfulsweetz,

 

I guess he isnt changing anything to be with me, from his point of view, he's just fed up of trying, fed up of the fights and so yeah basically he said its either I act better or its over

 

I'm just hoping that if I let things get better for a few weeks, and not cause any fights coz either he didnt call me, or didnt answer my text or didnt say the words I wanna hear, then we can get to a point where we're able to communicate again. Coz right now, If I say a word re previous fight/argument or bring up any unresolved conflict or any new conflict occurs...he will just put the phone down and I'll go back to square one i.e. him rejecting me and telling me to get lost, and me crying and begging him to take me back and promising I'll make an effort.

 

You're right, its hard, and I feel worthless at this point. But in his words 'he's at the end of his tethers' and I cant expect him to resolve anything at this point. Its kinda scary how I'm feeling...I love him/miss him loads and then go to the other extreme and hate him and wish that he'd hurt as bad as I am...

He's still making excuses. I'm sorry to say, but no matter how "well" you behave right now, it's not going to do any good or change your relationship for the better. None of your problems are being addressed, because HE is ignoring them/blaming it all on you.

[harmfulsweetz]

All I keep reading is what he wants, what he feels about all of this, what he wants you to change. What about you? What do you want? What does he need to change to make you feel happy in this R?

 

I don't see it changing until he admits responsibility, and takes ownership. Until then, you are going to be burdened with blame because he just doesn't want to step up and take responsibility.

 

Relationships are two way streets, not one way, one person cannot put in the bulk of the effort, while the other lazes around, basking in all of the attention. You shouldn't be second guessing yourself, you shouldn't be treading on egg shells, you should be able to discuss issues as they arise without worrying about him blowing his top.

 

Are you actually happy like this? I see a lot about him, but not an awful lot about you. What does he make you feel when he blames you? Think about that. Write down every little thing that bothers you about him and your relationship, can he change them? i.e. responding when you text when he can, admitting culpability, etc etc, discuss said list with him. Incorporate 'I feel' statements over 'you did' it's less attacking and hits home faster.

 

I would personally not text him before bed, actually personally, I'd not text him at all seen as he has complained about you smothering him, well so be it. If he doesn't want you to smother him, let him do the legwork. He'll sharp complain, and when he does say 'I thought I was 'smothering you'"

 

Seriously, I think it shouldn't be all about what you did wrong, it's a two-way street and if he wants to fix this, (it doesn't sound like he does, he just hasn't the balls to say it) he needs to work on it too.

[harmfulsweetz]

Hey harmfulsweetz,

 

I guess he isnt changing anything to be with me, from his point of view, he's just fed up of trying, fed up of the fights and so yeah basically he said its either I act better or its over

 

I'm just hoping that if I let things get better for a few weeks, and not cause any fights coz either he didnt call me, or didnt answer my text or didnt say the words I wanna hear, then we can get to a point where we're able to communicate again. Coz right now, If I say a word re previous fight/argument or bring up any unresolved conflict or any new conflict occurs...he will just put the phone down and I'll go back to square one i.e. him rejecting me and telling me to get lost, and me crying and begging him to take me back and promising I'll make an effort.

 

You're right, its hard, and I feel worthless at this point. But in his words 'he's at the end of his tethers' and I cant expect him to resolve anything at this point. Its kinda scary how I'm feeling...I love him/miss him loads and then go to the other extreme and hate him and wish that he'd hurt as bad as I am...

 

But he can expect you to? He can expect you to shoulder the blame and work it all out. Listen to Esme Denters-Gravity (I think it sums this situation up pretty well.) He isn't as invested in this R as you, which is why he can happily say 'get lost' etc. You want to be with someone 100% committed to making the R work, not someone who is half-a$$ed about it at best.

[BWLoca]

But he can expect you to? He can expect you to shoulder the blame and work it all out. Listen to Esme Denters-Gravity (I think it sums this situation up pretty well.) He isn't as invested in this R as you, which is why he can happily say 'get lost' etc. You want to be with someone 100% committed to making the R work, not someone who is half-a$$ed about it at best.

 

 

Agree. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time? One wrong step and BOOM? It just sounds stressful.

[messedupsobad]

you guys are right but I'm so not ready not let go...I just feel like I've put in sooo much effort...given so much love, I'm not going to be able to just never speak to him again, or even risk saying something like 'lets work at it together else its over' coz what if he just turns around and says 'ok then its over' which I'm quite sure he will, and I dont think I have the courage to let go at this stage...I just cant I know I sound pathetic

 

I guess maybe after a few weeks when things are a bit better, dont know if they will be...because to be honest, all this not calling him/ not texting him is making me feel like I'm in a relationship with a stranger

 

The thing is...I do feel that if I pull away a bit, he might come around and act a bit better but at the same time, I'm not good at playing games, and I feel like if I dont pull away in the right way, I might just push him further away..e.g. he called last night, and I started yapping away like a mad woman about my day etc. pretending its all good..but inside I feel this pain, I wanna yell at him, and ask him if he cant see how much he's hurting me...how I was looking at my fone all day and he couldnt even be bothered texting me back on time...

 

I definitely cant let go of this relationship at this stage..I have exams coming up in March/June, and if I fail, I'll lose my job...so I have to try hard and just keep things going. I'm not strong enough to let go...I'm going back home in the summer for 3 weeks and will spend time with my mum and sisters...hopefully that will help.

 

I feel such hurt, anger...feel like he's betrayed my love by giving up on us...I wish he'd wake up one day and realise that I'm worth more. I dont expect much of him, but I so wish he'd one day give me a sincere apology for all the abuse and swearing and tell me that I didnt deserve it

 

right now...I really hate him..soooo much!! i think the longer I keep pretending all is well and dont say anything, the more I'll just keep resenting him. But I cant let go

[counterman]

It's not playing games if you pull away for yourself. What I mean is, if you are hurting and you need to think things through or do something for yourself, then give yourself some space and focus on yourself and gain perspective on things.

 

Consider this, all the effort you are putting in and continuing to put in, is it amounting to something? I put in heaps of effort with my ex-girlfriend and I justified all that effort by appreciating the bread crumbs she was throwing me. That's right, she was giving me bread crumbs e.g. a compliment once a month. I deserved better than that but I fooled myself into believing that was acceptable. So, think about it. If you are really hurting yourself by putting all this effort, think... is it really worth it?

 

I agree whole-heartedly with harmfulsweetz. You want someone to work with you in this. Thing is, you're the one who's posting on here and I don't think he's doing the same literally and figuratively.

[harmfulsweetz]

You can do it, because you have to for you. He won't change because he doesn't want to. I know, right now, it seems like such a waste, but wouldn't it be a bigger waste if you stayed with a guy like this for even longer, putting in even more effort? That's throwing good money away with bad.

 

I understand, I've been there. I spent a good part of a year in between breaking up and staying, and looking back, I wished I'd have just took the chance and not wasted more time. It can seem so daunting making the step, but to be honest, I don't see anything good in your current situation. We'd all love to say if we just put in that little bit more effort, just didn't say anything the other person doesn't want to hear, that it'd go back to way things were. It won't, because that's papering over the cracks, and pretending there aren't issues when there are.

 

You shouldn't have to play games. But the thing is, he doesn't like you being you, you like texting him, phoning him etc, yet he doesn't seem to reciprocate. I'm not saying it won't ever work, but as long as this dynamic keeps up, it won't. It's unhealthy. A healthy relationship involves trust, communication, love, affection, understanding, what you have is a man who doesn't assume responsibility, is verbally abusive to you, who can happily leave the R whenever he wants because heck, he's not invested enough to stay.

 

You will find numerous reasons to stay, along the years, many people do, and it's not until he does that one thing, pushes you one step too far, will you see that they weren't reasons, they were excuses. I understand you have exams to take, but wouldn't you be better off taking them without all of this? I think if you actually took the step, you'd feel relief after some time. I did, I spent so long pondering it, dwelling on it, that when I did it, it was like a huge weight had fallen off my shoulders.

 

You can let go, you are strong enough. He's beaten you down to the point where you don't even believe in yourself, your own self worth, you need to get it back. Without him. You can't resolve issues with a guy like him because he doesn't want to, he'd sooner place the blame on you, and force you to put in more effort, while he does nothing.

[messedupsobad]

I'm such a pathetic screw up. Phoned him on my lunch break to talk...he started going on about how he was pissed off at the safety officer in his labs and I just said 'sorry baby just called for you a minute, gotta go now' and we said bye and hung up. And I called 5 mins after to say sorry about having to go. Arrrghhh why am I doing this? why is it just so darn hard to be ok with him not texting me or calling me?

 

I cant really break up with him, he's already broken up with me 3 days ago and I begged and begged for him to stop being angry. If I say anything negative re our situation atm, he will just put the fone down and not pick up. And I know me, I'll call non-stop like a woman possessed.

 

I dont even know how to start a conversation with him regarding how I feel?!?! He doesnt want to know. So that cant really happen.

 

Ok...if I want to try and let him know that he needs to make a bit of an effort...how do i even say it?