Biccaroo Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) Hi, 5 weeks ago I was dumped by my girlfriend of 5 months. Only now, after weeks of soul-searching, hurt and conversation, have I realised that my relationship had been built on faulty ground and could never have worked no matter how hard I tried. We started dating in August last year. Things moved very fast and less than 2 months later she sent me a text saying "I don't just think I love you, I know I love you." I was obviously delighted if a bit sceptical but I went with it and we soon became very close. I met her family, friends and eventually we moved in together. It wasn't long after moving in together that I noticed there was a problem. She started to become distant and moody. I would ask her if I made her happy and she'd reply "Of course you do!" So I was unsure as to what the issue was. We carried on regardless and things seemed to improve until early December when she sent me a text after leaving the house abruptly saying she thought it was best we "...cut our loses." It turned out that she couldn't fight her feelings for her ex. Her ex who I'd had no idea about and whom she'd kicked into touch just months before dating me. I was mortified and fought to get her back. Just when I thought it was over she returned crying into my arms 2 days after leaving me and apologised for being such a fool. After talking we were back together. Of course, my faith and trust in the relationship had dimished but I was determined to fight on. Over the next month things seemed to be going well even with the stress of Christmas to contend with. However, once the festive period and the New Year had passed it wasn't long before I was dumped again. She told me it wasn't fair for her to stay with me when she had feelings for her ex. Once again I was heart-broken but at least she'd been honest. It turned out that there was significant history between these two. She was his first love. They'd been on and off for years and just last Summer they'd been close but never official. Apparently she was putting him under pressure to commit as a 'bf' but wouldn't. Eventually he started ignoring her calls and texts so she ended whatever relationship she had with him. However, it turns out that he'd been texting and emailing her whilst we were together and slowly but surely her feelings for him resurfaced and she clearly regretted giving him the boot. Now I am left picking up the pieces and I don't know what to do. I am pretty sure their relationship won't last as it's failed several times before. Do you think I should give up and move on or try to hang in there should the chance for us to get back together arise? I've told her to give me some space so we are not in contact any longer but I do hope we can be friends at some point. How do you think I should proceed? Should I just accept that she pretty much 'used' me and try to get on ith my life? Thanks in advance for you help. Edited February 16, 2010 by Biccaroo Spelling errors
counterman Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I think she should have been honest from the start and not lead you along. I am very sorry to hear about your circumstances and if I were in your position I would probably not know myself if I were in a rebound relationship or not. You trusted her as any other significant other would. I think you know yourself that you should never start another relationship if you have not gotten over someone else and grieved properly. It's not healthy. Even if things don't work out with her ex, she will still have some attachment to him and she has to go through this whole process and have No Contact with him; in my opinion, she'll still have feelings for him and, if she comes back to you, she could always leave again. You really don't deserve that. I think it was very mature of you to suggest that to her that the both of you do not remain in contact and I applaud you for that. Stick with No Contact and move on. She has issues to sort out and so do you. You're trust and faith have diminished, so focus on yourself and slowly but surely you will be even better.
akeachi Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 she sounds horrid. HOWEVER i know ive been there before. as in I've been her. Its a horrid thing to do but i can assure you at the time she did fall for you and you probably temprarily got her over her ex as a person, just not the relationship :s I went back to a guy for safety - my advice cut her off. Its not what you want to hear i know but she will forever be stringing you along unsure of what she wants. You will be the one hurt. Theres someone better suited for her AND for you
Author Biccaroo Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I don't think she'll ever get over this guy. She thought she had when she got with me apparently but clearly not. What'll happen is they'll break up again before too long, then she will start dating somoene else. She'll do the same with the next guy as she did with me then she'll go back to her first love. I guess it's up to her to give herself enough time to get over this idiot but I know she's far too impatient to ever do that. She'll just hurt one bloke after another until she finds whatever it is she wants. I'm just gutted I didn't see it coming or provide myself with enough emotional protection, because the way I feel now hurts more than anything I've ever experienced...
bananaboat11 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) I went through ALMOST the same thing. I've subscribed to this thread.. I'm in my lab right now, but as soon as I get a break / or go home early b/c of snow I'm going to reply. i'm so sorry man.. it hurts... so much. I know first hand. But you know what... it IS easier to move on knowing they used you ... they CHOSE you. You weren't some piece of ass around the block... take comfort in that I was this rebound guy 4.5 months ago for a 4.5 month REBOUND relationship. She had JUST gotten out of a 4 year relationship with a ****er who cheated on her for the last 2 of their 4 year relationship... so many red flags I ignored... I am also happy she will never contact me again. She hates me... knowing full well how she treated me at the very end and calling me nothing more than a comfort... a rebound... something to keep her occupied while she was hurting and alone... I did let her have it verbally (but I did not yell.. nor demean her... I swear it). She was no good... a user and abuser. Not once did I verbally abuse or demean her... she manipulated EVERY situation and ALWAYS found a reason to argue with me... it was gross. I'll link you to my story (later) sorry! good luck OP! please be strong! I know it burns deep so much... See the red flags... nothing more! It makes it easier. Edited February 16, 2010 by bananaboat11
Author Biccaroo Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 she sounds horrid. HOWEVER i know ive been there before. as in I've been her. Its a horrid thing to do but i can assure you at the time she did fall for you and you probably temprarily got her over her ex as a person, just not the relationship :s I went back to a guy for safety - my advice cut her off. Its not what you want to hear i know but she will forever be stringing you along unsure of what she wants. You will be the one hurt. Theres someone better suited for her AND for you But maybe we were suited but she just never gave it a chance? There was definitely something there as she came back the first time. Why would she do that unless I'd pulled at least some of her strings? Do you think she went back to this guy for safety even thought he's messed her around so many times before? If so, what was wrong with the safety I provided her with? I never cheated on her, never shouted at her, treated her with care and attention and still I get crushed in the end. I just don't understand.
bananaboat11 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 But maybe we were suited but she just never gave it a chance? There was definitely something there as she came back the first time. Why would she do that unless I'd pulled at least some of her strings? Do you think she went back to this guy for safety even thought he's messed her around so many times before? If so, what was wrong with the safety I provided her with? I never cheated on her, never shouted at her, treated her with care and attention and still I get crushed in the end. I just don't understand. It's not just that.. it's that she is used to be abused in some manner... she felt he most comfortable with being used, abused... so she did it to you to evoke that action FROM you... my ex did the SAME to me. We didn't budge in our ways. She probably still thinks about you... but is too arrogant and full of pride to come back right now. She may one day... but not yet. The most you can do is discuss it out with friends, LSers and a professional and keep no contact while moving on. Learn form this experience. You are the spitting image of my situation 5 months ago...
Author Biccaroo Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 It's not just that.. it's that she is used to be abused in some manner... she felt he most comfortable with being used, abused... so she did it to you to evoke that action FROM you... my ex did the SAME to me. We didn't budge in our ways. She probably still thinks about you... but is too arrogant and full of pride to come back right now. She may one day... but not yet. The most you can do is discuss it out with friends, LSers and a professional and keep no contact while moving on. Learn form this experience. You are the spitting image of my situation 5 months ago... You see, I think you have a point. I've often thought that maybe I treated her too well. But I believed and do believe that people deserve to be treated well. Why would she want to be used and abused. Does anyone know the psychology behind this? She's a thoroughly insecure person and always expected me to go off with someone else. I'd never do that. I loved her too much and I could never mistreat someone that way. Is that where I went wrong perhaps? I didn't treat her mean enough?
akeachi Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 But maybe we were suited but she just never gave it a chance? There was definitely something there as she came back the first time. Why would she do that unless I'd pulled at least some of her strings? Do you think she went back to this guy for safety even thought he's messed her around so many times before? If so, what was wrong with the safety I provided her with? I never cheated on her, never shouted at her, treated her with care and attention and still I get crushed in the end. I just don't understand. The thing is how your feeling now - you want her back etc she feels this about her ex. I can look at your situation as black and white and say shes no good move right along, this is because i am emotionally detached. You can see that HE is no good for her you are better - but she doesnt see that because she is emotionally involved with him. am i making sense? Its just horrible i know - i just came out of a 5 month r.ship doesnt sound long but i really truely felt he was the one - im gutted. But after everything i realise its just not worth all this searching for why why why? I still do in my head but you know what F**k her. she dumped you theres somene out there that will love you , they wont be carrying any baggage of an ex and they WILL NOT ever leave you becasue they wouldnt want to run the risk of you finding someone else! Move on please - I didnt i chose to meet up have sex go by his promises of rebuilding , guess what? he messed me about again. Dont keep hurting. xxxxxxx
Author Biccaroo Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 So there's nothing I can do to get her back? She's gone back to her ex and I need to accept that? Surely there's something I can say or do? What happens when he messes her about again? Because he will. I guarantee it. I suppose she'll never break free from her feelings for him. It'll just continue in the same vain and hopeless way. Do people not learn in the end? If it does fail between them once again that'll be the 4th time. Surely there's only so much someone can take?
aimchase Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Bic, I hate to be the complete a-hole here and you're not going to like me for it, but i'm saying it for your own good. These two have a long reationship with a clear connection. You were just the convenient person that gave the woman an escape for a bit. She used you. It's as simple as that. They may not work but neither will you and her. He will always linger in the background, niggling the back of your mind even if she did return to you. And if she did? Do you really want someone so undecided and and mixed up? Doesn't sound like she's ever been really committed to you. Again, you were her escape. I say this because out there is a woman who will love you, want you, be dedicated to you and you only. Pursue that, don't be the piece of ***** that gets dicked around used. I know it hurts and you're going through a tough time, but for your own future you needto ride this one through. I promise you that you'll look back on this moment in the future and realise how fickle the whole thing was.
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 So there's nothing I can do to get her back? She's gone back to her ex and I need to accept that? Surely there's something I can say or do? What happens when he messes her about again? Because he will. I guarantee it. I suppose she'll never break free from her feelings for him. It'll just continue in the same vain and hopeless way. Do people not learn in the end? If it does fail between them once again that'll be the 4th time. Surely there's only so much someone can take? Babe...you DONT want her back... I'm in a similar situation than you....dated an "amazing" man for 9 months and then once he found more interesting things to occupy his mind with and accepting that he wasn't completely over the relationship with his ex of 5 years he basically tossed me aside. The first few months I thought just like you....maybe he'll reconsider, maybe he'll realize what a great relationship we had, maybe he'll come crawling back, if only i do this, or that or say x or y..... Well maybe all that could have been true... But then i thought about what I want...what I dream about regarding a relationship and a man. I want a man who wants ME and only me. I want a man who would stick with me thru thick and thin, not run at the first sign of difficulty (one of the reason he started to drift was because of distance), I want someone who would rather give his right arm than to lose me. Clearly that is not my ex. That helped me give up "hope" of him coming back...sure i miss him and sure i wish things have been different but now I know he is not "my" man..."my" man is still somewhere out there, he hasn't hurt me, he has not given me any reason to doubt him and when we meet, there will be no questions as to whether he will be dropping me once more for whatever reason. It will all be a clean slate. So i encourage you to do the same. Think about what your ideal relationship/woman is. Put your ex aside and truly look at what you've always wished for. Sure you want someone you can trust, someone who adores you and will always be there for you, or some variation of that.....now take a look at your ex.... does it look like she can be that given what she has done already??? probably not... and thus why i say....you dont want her back
Author Biccaroo Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Good advice. What grates on me however is that she came back to me the first time she almost left. Why would she do that unless she wasn't entirely sure he was the man for her? We must've had something? The other thing is, the second time she left me she did so via text after leaving the house abruptly. The text read 'I think we need to cut our loses. x". I tried to phone her but she wouldn't answer. I replied to her messages asking her what was going on and why things weren't working out. She make up some excuse saying we were different people and wanted different things which was and is utter rubbish. She also said that she couldn't do this anymore. In other words, she'd obviously tried to fight her feelings for this guy but simply couldn't fight them anymore. However, an hour later she sent me another message - "I'm sorry baby. xXx xXx xXx xXx xXx xXx". To me that shows just how confused she was. At that point she still wasn't so sure... In the end of course her final decision was that it was better to move on. I moved out and the rest is history. On one occassion I asked her what the problem had been. She said "I know you deserve an explaination, but ...maybe I am mad." and reeled off all my qualities. Still all this clearly wasn't good enough. Everyone's said she will live to regret her decision. Just a shame I'm regretting it the most right now...
counterman Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Using "we're different" as an excuse is utterly pathetic. My ex-girlfriend said that she "can't be with me". What she really meant was "I don't love you enough so I'm not up for working out issues with you". She could never admit that she just wasn't into me. Man, thing is, I knew what mistakes I made.and I'll hear. She didn't know her own faults and she still thinks she's perfect so her loss. Back to you. She made a decision and you will never get an answer that is truly satisfying, an answer that will address why she left you and why she tried to come back a few times and why she ultimately decided to move on. Nothing is going to satisfy you and you won't get what you're looking for. None of us do. Bottom line is, even if we do, will it make our lives that much better? I mean, she's moved on and so will you. She doesn't matter to you anymore. Whatever you do, don't regret. It's hard to say that but if just kills your soul if you regret. Learn from your experience and take positives from it. You'll be a better man from this. You might feel that you want her back again but give it NC for a month and reassess how you feel then. Post on here of course. She's not worth it. If she left you once, she can do it again. And, you can't be her second choice. You deserve to be treated better.
aimchase Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Good advice. What grates on me however is that she came back to me the first time she almost left. Why would she do that unless she wasn't entirely sure he was the man for her? We must've had something? Because she's insecure and like a lot of people (including my own ex) - she can't be without somebody to cling on to. It gives her a false security but one which makes her feel wanted and that she always has someone to look after her. The thing is, it's not built on a love and commitment to you, it's built on a need for her due to her low self esteem. You need to distant yourself from it, as i've had to, because it's not the basis to form a relationship. You will only end up repeatedly hurt and used. Don't keep being the puppet.
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