giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Well, it’s time for my second thread... After getting back together last year with the promise of more frequent sex, everything seemed to be ok until some days ago when, due to the renewed lack of sex, I complained... well, I got angry with my wife, but I didn’t shout or anything. I just said I didn’t want to get back to the ugly place where I was a few months ago. She said she wasn’t mentally well and that her ADs weren’t working anymore... I said, well, fix yourself and let’s take it from there... Being obviously concerned about her mental state, I spoke to her this morning... it turns out that she hated the fact that I got angry and that she hates when I’m aggressive. I’ve been upset and angry with her in the past over sex and this has left an unsolvable issue within herself. Apparently, she is scared of me! We talked abut my needs as a man and she said we are obviously incompatible... yes, I had noticed it! ADs play a big part for her lack of desire, but she can’t stand having sex with me if she is under pressure or if she thinks I’m going to get angry. I don’t even have an anger problem! She just hates the thought of me getting angry, though. I have said hurtful things in the past when she rejected me and this has left her emotionally scarred. She says she loves me and she wants to be with me, but the sex problem is ruining our relationship (well, I thought it was already ruined). She said she was very depressed about this. She cried. I then agreed not to ask for sex or not even have sex unless she initiates. I promised not to be angry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my family and I don’t want to leave my wife when she is experiencing such a mental meltdown. She said her issues have been going on so long that nothing can cure her. But I’m deeply unhappy and I don’t believe our sex life is salvageable. I basically agreed to a sexless marriage! She’ll never be in the mood... also, a divorce would be extremely costly for all of us. I’m sitting here trying to work, but I can only think about the mess I’m in...
HeyThere Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I’m glad you started a new thread. First off your wife sounds irrational and has lost hope in her and the relationship AND she expects you to lose hope as well? She’s put you between a rock a hard place. Do you feel your wife will fall apart without the meds? When you write about your wife I feel like some information is missing. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship! How can we help you?
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I’m glad you started a new thread. First off your wife sounds irrational and has lost hope in her and the relationship AND she expects you to lose hope as well? She’s put you between a rock a hard place. Do you feel your wife will fall apart without the meds? When you write about your wife I feel like some information is missing. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship! How can we help you? well, my wife has always been rather irrational due to her past and present issues, which she feels she will never be able to solve. I don't even know the extent of them, since she can't talk about them. She says they relate to her past, her upbringing, her mother's death. Sounds like an Ingmar Bergman's film! She was very honest and open this morning, which is quite unusual. You say she's put me between a rock and a hard place... yes and no. She said that this is the way it is and I can obviously take it or leave it. I've been unable to fix anything all these years because it's un-fixable. I suppose it's up to me now... I know I deserve a healthy relationship, but I always felt guilty about leaving my wife when she is mentally weak. I'm concerned about her. What can you do to help me? Well, nothing... you are a man, aren't you? I'm not gay!
bayouboi Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Hey man, I don't have any advice really but I'm sorry that you're going through this.
HeyThere Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 What can you do to help me? Well, nothing... you are a man, aren't you? I'm not gay! Ha, ha! I’ve been married for 21 years and my wife told us (w/ 3 children) a story last night at dinner that she believed we all knew; we didn’t. The point is she thinks about situations and sometimes doesn’t articulate them but believes she has. This is typical and she then says well she must have told that to her other family, husband…we all laugh. This lapse creates an insight into part of her world. As far as sex goes I say just take her when you want – show her you’re not gay.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 well, my wife has always been rather irrational due to her past and present issues, which she feels she will never be able to solve. I don't even know the extent of them, since she can't talk about them. She says they relate to her past, her upbringing, her mother's death. Sounds like an Ingmar Bergman's film! She was very honest and open this morning, which is quite unusual. You say she's put me between a rock and a hard place... yes and no. She said that this is the way it is and I can obviously take it or leave it. I've been unable to fix anything all these years because it's un-fixable. I suppose it's up to me now... I know I deserve a healthy relationship, but I always felt guilty about leaving my wife when she is mentally weak. I'm concerned about her. What can you do to help me? Well, nothing... you are a man, aren't you? I'm not gay! Sorry that is a low blow..... I am so sorry. The more I read, the more I am on this website, the more hopeless it seems. The answer simply is significant IC and MC. To say she is scared of you is definitely a result of childhood trauma. Do you start looking to cheat? Well I am at the point of saying, much to the chagrin of the moralists on this site, that you are not cheating in a marriage where you have been told there will be little to no more sex. I've been saying it more and more of late, as I just see no answers and all the talk back and forth add up to nothing but words on a screen. You too need to look to IC to discuss these feelings and your options.
angie2443 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I'm sorry you are going through this. You do deserve a healthy relationship and it seems like you've done all that you know to do in this situation. I am not a moralist. I don't think cheating is the healthy solution here. If you have to divorce, you have to divorce. I think this is the most honest solution if nothing changes (and it seems like nothing will). I just have one question. Do you know what meds (I assume this is what ADs is, if not, sorry) she's on and if they can be changed? I only ask because you say it is part of what causes her lack of desire.
mem11363 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Does your wife work? Is it possible you could both agree to an arrangement where your needs are met elsewhere - but you are discreet? I don't think celibacy agrees with any man - especially not a hot blooded Italian with a big heart. Well, it’s time for my second thread... After getting back together last year with the promise of more frequent sex, everything seemed to be ok until some days ago when, due to the renewed lack of sex, I complained... well, I got angry with my wife, but I didn’t shout or anything. I just said I didn’t want to get back to the ugly place where I was a few months ago. She said she wasn’t mentally well and that her ADs weren’t working anymore... I said, well, fix yourself and let’s take it from there... Being obviously concerned about her mental state, I spoke to her this morning... it turns out that she hated the fact that I got angry and that she hates when I’m aggressive. I’ve been upset and angry with her in the past over sex and this has left an unsolvable issue within herself. Apparently, she is scared of me! We talked abut my needs as a man and she said we are obviously incompatible... yes, I had noticed it! ADs play a big part for her lack of desire, but she can’t stand having sex with me if she is under pressure or if she thinks I’m going to get angry. I don’t even have an anger problem! She just hates the thought of me getting angry, though. I have said hurtful things in the past when she rejected me and this has left her emotionally scarred. She says she loves me and she wants to be with me, but the sex problem is ruining our relationship (well, I thought it was already ruined). She said she was very depressed about this. She cried. I then agreed not to ask for sex or not even have sex unless she initiates. I promised not to be angry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my family and I don’t want to leave my wife when she is experiencing such a mental meltdown. She said her issues have been going on so long that nothing can cure her. But I’m deeply unhappy and I don’t believe our sex life is salvageable. I basically agreed to a sexless marriage! She’ll never be in the mood... also, a divorce would be extremely costly for all of us. I’m sitting here trying to work, but I can only think about the mess I’m in...
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Hey man, I don't have any advice really but I'm sorry that you're going through this. cheers! I appreciate it!
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 @TDP I'm not looking to cheat. I would divorce first. Unfortunately, she is as she is and I will have to accept it o leave. The ball is in my court... things might change, especially if I forget about sex and concentrate on myself... I doubt it, but I need to find out before I go... @mem there would be no agreement. She has said that if I were to see another woman, we should divorce first and I agree with this. My wife works shifs... she is in the Health Service... @angie she is going to see her GP in order to change her ADs... I suggested she stops them completely, to see how she really feels without them after all these years... she said she would think about it. I can only wait and see what happens... last sex was 16 days ago... so I'm not climbing the walls yet... but she did say that, apparently, there are many couples in sexless LTR or marriages and they don't mind! You should have seen my face...
angie2443 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I don't know your wife's GP and they may be wonderful at prescribing your wife exactly what she needs. Having said that, I know that a psychiatrist, one with good references, would be the best choice for someone with your wife's problems. They just have more experience and training when it comes to issues like anxiety disorders. They would also have a better idea of which meds affect the sex drive more.
mem11363 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 If you don't show anger she feels safe ignoring you sexually If you do show anger - then she can't stand the pressure of having to have sex with you. So she would rather divorce than spend 1 hour having sex, 3 times a month. I don't think a divorce will effect YOU financially as much as her. At your age you can find plenty of women with jobs comparable to what your wife has, who will be all over you sexually and it will be genuine. Not because they have to. I don't mean to be cold about it but you seem very worried about her mental health. Starving you of sex is BAD for your mental health and that doesn't seem to bother your wife in the slightest. It just seems that her idea of compromise is that instead of having sex half as often as you want - which would be what 3 times a week - you NEVER have it and you just learn to not complain and not let any anger show. And when you die of a heart attack / stroke from all that bottled anger - I guess she goes on a nice southern mediterannean cruise with your life insurance money. Your wife had been cold, unloving and very unconcerned about your happiness for a long, long time. You really do sound like a decent guy. @TDP I'm not looking to cheat. I would divorce first. Unfortunately, she is as she is and I will have to accept it o leave. The ball is in my court... things might change, especially if I forget about sex and concentrate on myself... I doubt it, but I need to find out before I go... @mem there would be no agreement. She has said that if I were to see another woman, we should divorce first and I agree with this. My wife works shifs... she is in the Health Service... @angie she is going to see her GP in order to change her ADs... I suggested she stops them completely, to see how she really feels without them after all these years... she said she would think about it. I can only wait and see what happens... last sex was 16 days ago... so I'm not climbing the walls yet... but she did say that, apparently, there are many couples in sexless LTR or marriages and they don't mind! You should have seen my face...
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I don't know your wife's GP and they may be wonderful at prescribing your wife exactly what she needs. Having said that, I know that a psychiatrist, one with good references, would be the best choice for someone with your wife's problems. They just have more experience and training when it comes to issues like anxiety disorders. They would also have a better idea of which meds affect the sex drive more. I suggested she goes to IC... at least... she said "it's too expensive" and it's too late, she has been suffering for years and years and she'll never be fixed... I will tell her to mention to the GP that she refers her to a psychiatrist... thanks for the advise...
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 If you don't show anger she feels safe ignoring you sexually If you do show anger - then she can't stand the pressure of having to have sex with you. So she would rather divorce than spend 1 hour having sex, 3 times a month. I don't think a divorce will effect YOU financially as much as her. At your age you can find plenty of women with jobs comparable to what your wife has, who will be all over you sexually and it will be genuine. Not because they have to. I don't mean to be cold about it but you seem very worried about her mental health. Starving you of sex is BAD for your mental health and that doesn't seem to bother your wife in the slightest. It just seems that her idea of compromise is that instead of having sex half as often as you want - which would be what 3 times a week - you NEVER have it and you just learn to not complain and not let any anger show. And when you die of a heart attack / stroke from all that bottled anger - I guess she goes on a nice southern mediterannean cruise with your life insurance money. Your wife had been cold, unloving and very unconcerned about your happiness for a long, long time. You really do sound like a decent guy. mem, what can I say? You are right, of course. I tried to explain to her the point about my needs as a man, but she won't listen. We tried the compromise thing (once a week) and it went well for a few months, but lately it just didn't happen... after 4 weeks of no sex I just lost it a bit... I felt really cheated. Sex is not important for her and she hates it when I get angry about it, to the point that she withdraws in her shell even more. And you are right: we don't have sex and I can't complain because otherwise I can really forget it... so, I have to wait until she is ready... After our talk this morning (when I promised that I would not pester her about sex and we would have sex when she initiates it), she started smiling again and she was in a good mood... I wasn't! Where did the depression go? Unfortunately, I'm paying the price for her shortcomings as a wife and the only solution is to leave. On the other hand, I know it's not completely her fault because of her mental situation... boy, what a hard place I'm in...
mem11363 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Her mental condition seems to be perfectly fine if you agree to love, honor and financially support her without asking anything important in return. There is a definition for someone like this. It is not depressed. It is not bipolar. It is not anxious. It is selfish. As soon as you agree to basically do what she wants, without asking her to show a small amount of love in return, she is happy. WOW. Remember in your other post when you said my wife is afraid of me. Well this would be the kind of situation my wife would be feeling fear in. Because I would sit her down and map out our finances and how we would manage logistics post divorce. I would do it in a very calm, matter of fact manner. I would explain she likely would need to work more hours/more shifts after the divorce and then I would ask her to make a list of all the stuff in the house that was important to her. And I DO take my marriage seriously - but on the small number of occasions my wife lost sight of the fact that I have needs to, I have needed to remind her that sufficiently provoked, I will leave. Because sometimes people want a totally one sided marriage. mem, what can I say? You are right, of course. I tried to explain to her the point about my needs as a man, but she won't listen. We tried the compromise thing (once a week) and it went well for a few months, but lately it just didn't happen... after 4 weeks of no sex I just lost it a bit... I felt really cheated. Sex is not important for her and she hates it when I get angry about it, to the point that she withdraws in her shell even more. And you are right: we don't have sex and I can't complain because otherwise I can really forget it... so, I have to wait until she is ready... After our talk this morning (when I promised that I would not pester her about sex and we would have sex when she initiates it), she started smiling again and she was in a good mood... I wasn't! Where did the depression go? Unfortunately, I'm paying the price for her shortcomings as a wife and the only solution is to leave. On the other hand, I know it's not completely her fault because of her mental situation... boy, what a hard place I'm in...
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Her mental condition seems to be perfectly fine if you agree to love, honor and financially support her without asking anything important in return. There is a definition for someone like this. It is not depressed. It is not bipolar. It is not anxious. It is selfish. As soon as you agree to basically do what she wants, without asking her to show a small amount of love in return, she is happy. WOW. Remember in your other post when you said my wife is afraid of me. Well this would be the kind of situation my wife would be feeling fear in. Because I would sit her down and map out our finances and how we would manage logistics post divorce. I would do it in a very calm, matter of fact manner. I would explain she likely would need to work more hours/more shifts after the divorce and then I would ask her to make a list of all the stuff in the house that was important to her. And I DO take my marriage seriously - but on the small number of occasions my wife lost sight of the fact that I have needs to, I have needed to remind her that sufficiently provoked, I will leave. Because sometimes people want a totally one sided marriage. mem, the thing is my wife is the least manipulative person in the world... she hates conflict and I hate as well, because when we row, it takes weeks for her to recover from it... it's not her fault, it's the way she is... she is also a very selfish person, but that's because of what she suffered in her childhood - and no, she wasn't abused, it was more her dysfunctional family... it's a protective mechanism... I will insist on IC and a psychiatrist. I know what she does to me is not right - and often I wish we never got married - but she needs to solve her issues before we can save our marriage...
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 G, I'm sorry things are getting worse not better. it turns out that she hated the fact that I got angry and that she hates when I’m aggressive. I’ve been upset and angry with her in the past over sex and this has left an unsolvable issue within herself. Apparently, she is scared of me! ... I promised not to be angry. My personal opinions-beliefs. Anger is just an emotion, and we can't really promise that we're not going to experience a specific emotion in the future. To me, it's more that SHE needs to learn how to deal with her own angry feelings and be comfortable seeing this specific emotion in others. Possibly you could, as a couple, sign up for an anger management course -- not a workshop, something more in-depth. You would say that it's for yourself and also the marriage (which is why you'd like to attend together), but you would know that it's more for her to learn something about this misunderstood and much-maligned emotion. If she is messaging, "I don't want you to express your anger" (or upset, frustration), then that's more her trying to control what you feel. When, the healthy-functional thing would be for her to learn how not to make your anger about her. I suggested she goes to IC... at least... she said "it's too expensive" and it's too late, I understand the low self-esteem that says, "I'm so far gone that I'm unfixable." It's not accurate 99 times out of a 100, but...well, some compassion for how she is seeing herself. Perhaps encourage that, no, she has LOTS and LOTS of really good-positive stuff, and you have total trust and confidence that she'll do really well in IC. Also, that you want to do what you can to help her feel happy and good about herself...regardless of anything else. You could also point out that, as far as you are concerned, NOTHING is "too expensive" if it will help her feel better about herself, and improve your marriage, and help her be able to help you feel better about yourself. Low or no-cost psychotherapy is available through educational/training facilities (graduating students must do internships, sometimes at reduced fees), faith-based institutions, community services, service clubs and organizations. Be kind and gentle, but let her know that "it's too expensive" is a cop-out and a BS excuse. Remind her that you two SHARE a commitment-obligation to each other and the marriage to what needs to be done to a mutually happy, supportive, uplifting life together. Time to step up, yes? Hugs, and best of luck to you both.
angie2443 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 mem, the thing is my wife is the least manipulative person in the world... she hates conflict and I hate as well, because when we row, it takes weeks for her to recover from it... it's not her fault, it's the way she is... she is also a very selfish person, but that's because of what she suffered in her childhood - and no, she wasn't abused, it was more her dysfunctional family... it's a protective mechanism... I will insist on IC and a psychiatrist. I know what she does to me is not right - and often I wish we never got married - but she needs to solve her issues before we can save our marriage... Could you please go into more detail about her dysfunctional family and her childhood. I know you've mentioned it before, I just don't remember the details. I'm having a hard time understanding why anyone would need weeks to recover from having a "row" with their partner. I'm having a hard time understanding what could make this such a tramatic experience for someone.
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) Could you please go into more detail about her dysfunctional family and her childhood. I know you've mentioned it before, I just don't remember the details. I'm having a hard time understanding why anyone would need weeks to recover from having a "row" with their partner. I'm having a hard time understanding what could make this such a tramatic experience for someone. well, it's not relevant, really... it's big family issues involving infidelity and deaths... Edited February 16, 2010 by giotto
mem11363 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 And my father was a scary - reserved german guy - my mother had a huge temper - as a kid a few of the older lads in the neighborhood bullied me. So what. Having a less than ideal childhood is no excuse for being a marital parasite. You are not asking for very much Giotto. In fact you are asking for as little as you can live with. And she is so selfish that she is not willing to give you that. You cannot get someone to change if they don't want to change. She has made it clear she wants you to change and accept a sexless marriage. As for selfish - the fact that she is completely fine hurting you like this is pretty amazing. mem, the thing is my wife is the least manipulative person in the world... she hates conflict and I hate as well, because when we row, it takes weeks for her to recover from it... it's not her fault, it's the way she is... she is also a very selfish person, but that's because of what she suffered in her childhood - and no, she wasn't abused, it was more her dysfunctional family... it's a protective mechanism... I will insist on IC and a psychiatrist. I know what she does to me is not right - and often I wish we never got married - but she needs to solve her issues before we can save our marriage...
cuppa Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Giotto, First of all, I am so sorry to hear what happened. I am not sure if this works but does your wife exercise regularly? I know for some women, exercises actually help the sex drive, not to mention, when we feel fit & toned, we feel beautiful and sexy (and this certainly help in the bedroom activities). Also, Do you go on a date night where you and she dress nice and if you do, does she reciprocate by being affectionate with you? Is sex uncomfortable for her? some women might not like sex but they usually love romance. Does she read romance novel?
OldEurope Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) And my father was a scary - reserved german guy - my mother had a huge temper - as a kid a few of the older lads in the neighborhood bullied me. So what. Having a less than ideal childhood is no excuse for being a marital parasite. You are not asking for very much Giotto. In fact you are asking for as little as you can live with. And she is so selfish that she is not willing to give you that. You cannot get someone to change if they don't want to change. She has made it clear she wants you to change and accept a sexless marriage. As for selfish - the fact that she is completely fine hurting you like this is pretty amazing. I would agree with this. The childhood bit can only be taken so far, particularly when one is married. I mean, a bit of stiff upper lip please and get on with it..... This sounds like a case of plain old, ripe old emotional immaturity to me-- Another poster mentioned low self-esteem and I think that absolutely hits the nail on the target. Giotto, if your wife has no sense of self, if she does not like her work, if she has no definition of what she wants in life as an individual and not just as Mrs. Giotto, she will be depressed forever. No amount of silly drugs (I am sorry, I just do not believe in them) will help constructively. I think many people blame "psychological problems" and "childhood" for what are bad mental habits that one should and CAN resolve oneself with mental discipline and a set course of goals. Anyone who believes his or her problems are unresolvable is just giving up. Wants to be taken care of. It turns marriage into a domesticated welfare state. In your case, I believe the wife is already betraying the marriage. To the purists, so called, here, who would jump up and down about "infidelity" if in fact Giotto were to find a lady love in this situation, would in my opinion be the height of hypocritical. His wife is cruel and has a host of excuses for her cruelness and then feeds him ye old guilt trip. Your wife needs to rethink her life and goals and individual sense of self and to stop the woe-is-me bit. This does sound like a low self esteem issue. When that is healthy, everything else is healthy...sex, marriage, everything oe Edited February 16, 2010 by OldEurope
NowhereToHide Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Oh Giotto, my friend..... we are living with difficult situations for sure. I have always admired your desire to commit to your wife and children. You putting them above your own needs is truly a selfless act. I still believe that wholeheartedly. But the problem with selflessness is that one day we start to look around and realize that we've lost a bit of ourselves in our quest to save everyone else. The question is, are you okay with the part of you that you're sacrificing? You can't change your wife. You can talk to her daily, you can suggest IC, you can walk around naked.... she can only change if she wants to change. And all evidence indicates that she has no intention of doing so. If you search your heart, I think you know this -- and you may waste many more years of waiting for change that will most likely never come. So, the only thing you have control of is YOU... how you react to her and ultimately what you decide you can live with. She is essentially telling you that you need to be happy with NO sex (or limited at best) for the rest of your life. Can you live with that? We only have one go around in this life. I am NOT a fan of divorce (hence my still being where I am currently). But, I have every intention of leaving my marriage if my H and I can't come together on our issues. I don't consider that throwing in the towel... I consider that being realistic in terms of what I want out of my years left on this earth -- and the only person who can make that happen is ME. Giotto... please go to IC. Talk through some of this. You need to figure out what you want, and what you are (or are not) willing to sacrifice to get it. Good luck my friend.
Author giotto Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 I'll try and explain replying to some of the points raised in a single post... I don't know if I can think straight, but I'll try... some of you are saying that she is selfish and she doesn't care about me and my needs. That she is even abusing me... well, this might be true, to a certain extent. Some of you are saying that her childhood problems are not an excuse. But I think they are. She seems very upset when she mentions them. I know she's been through a lot. Another matter is the fact that she thinks she is unfixable, because I believe she can be fixed. She doesn't want to face her issues, hence her excuse about therapy being too expensive. The problem is that given her present mental state, that's all she can think of... it's me, me, me. And I understand this. Now, I have choices... I can leave my wife and my family in a time when they really need me, or I can stick around and support her through this difficult period. I'm not a saint and I have my faults, but I also know that she is putting very little effort into our marriage, being obsessed with her problems. But what's the alternative? Is it time to put aside my resentment and be forgiving, compassionate and supportive? I don't know. Even if she goes to therapy, that doesn't automatically imply that she will be fixed and then it might take many years... am I prepared to wait? Funnily enough, this ties very well with my first thread... history repeats itself...
BettyBoop Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Now, I have choices... I can leave my wife and my family in a time when they really need me, or I can stick around and support her through this difficult period. I don't think your wife will ever get out of her difficult period unless something forces her to - like her husband being done. Comfort does not provoke change. Change provoke change. Two unhappy parents is an unhappy marriage and that is not healthy. I was a child in an unhappy marriage and family for most of my young life. I don't wish that on anybody. My parents were toxic for each other and made each other unhappy. My mom thought my dad would never leave - in spite of all their arguments. It was good he left her. She would have never changed. Unfortunately, my mother is not very strong mentally due to childhood issues neither but it is better she is on her own than together with a husband she can't make happy and he can't make her happy. You know. Many people grow up with childhood traumas and choose to work on ourselves and try to become "happy and normal". Others simply accept the truth as "I will never be "normal" or happy". Don't encourage the refusal to change. If my mother had worked on her issues I'd been less messed up than I am, I can tell you that. If my dad had left sooner - I'd been less messed up. By hurting you - she is hurting the entire family unit. Do not allow that. You seem like a really devoted husband and a nice guy - but I can promise you that staying is not always best for the wellbeing of the family when one parent is unhappy. I wanted my dad to be happy. Your kids would want that for you too.
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