I love my husband but I don't think I'm in love...

February 16, 2010

I've been married for 4 years going on 5 in a couple of months. My husband and I got married when I was 20 yrs old and he was 21. We met when we were 12 and 13 in church and he was honestly my first true love. We didn't date all those years prior to marriage but I found myself thinking of him constantly.

Our dating as adults was extremely brief (6 months) when we both decided we were ready to take the next step. At this point he was just starting his first year in college and I was experiencing life outside my parents house for the very first time ever. This prompted my husband to inform me that things would most likely be hard, but being an excited bride to be I decided I could take the challenge head on.

Like every young married couple our first year was rough. We fought and made up every day. But we were madly in love and that was motivation enough to keep going. By our second year things had settled down and we had grown more accustomed to each others habits. Our third year rolled around and we had developed more of a routine and then a huge change occurred, he got accepted into the school of his dreams which meant moving across the country and leaving everything and everyone we knew behind. This was especially difficult for me considering that all my family (excluding my parents) live back home.

For him, making new friends at school and just having a new life came like second nature, but for me, living in a new unfamiliar place has proven to be hell. I find it difficult to make new friends and the fact that I'm not allowed to have any male friends makes it even worse. Last year was nothing more than a year full of doubts and unhappiness. My life began to feel empty and meaningless. He is always at school, and when I say always, it isn't an exaggeration. I spent so much time alone I began to get accustomed to it and even more so like it. When he comes home it feels like a drag. It's like the General has come home and I have to make him happy.

When I began to have these feelings I tried telling him that I was unhappy and something needed to change, but he just always got and still gets defensive and tells me it's because I don't try hard enough to be a good wife. Finally one day I blurted that I didn't want to be married anymore and I missed how he was when we were dating, which has caused him to secretly resent me every since. He constantly tells me if I want to go out with friends then I should just be single and leave. On top of all this he goes into a rage if the house isn't exactly how he likes it. Mind you, he makes messes and never cleans up after himself. His rages have gotten so bad he got physical with me twice (not exactly hit but close enough). After informing his mother of what he was doing she had a talk with him and it hasn't occurred again.

In an effort to find what I wanted I spent Christmas and New Years in South America with my parents while he stayed home with his parents. During that time I had a lot of thinking to do and we spoke everyday. He said things would change, that he wouldn't be controlling as long as I did what I needed to do as a wife (which now that I think about it sounds controlling). So I came back home. To make things better for myself I decided to go to school to find what I want to do with my life besides be a wife, and that whole experience makes me desire my freedom again. I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without feeling guilty all the time. But then, feeling like that makes me feel even more guilty.

My husband is sweet, caring and extremely responsible. I know in my heart he is madly in love with me and he has never cheated on me. But on that same coin he is extremely controlling and wants everything to be his way. I feel like a trapped bird.

Then there is the matter of another person I met. This person makes me feel alive and excited again. He loves the same things I love and we can just spend hours talking about anything, something my husband has never done with me. I think I am falling in love with him but he lives quite far away at the moment. He isn't a factor in me wanting to potentially leave my husband but he makes me see what I could be missing out on.

What should I do?

February 16, 2010

He isn't a factor in me wanting to potentially leave my husband but he makes me see what I could be missing out on.

You're lying to yourself. I knew there was someone else just by the title of your thread before ever reading it. It's a tired, old script. This new man makes you feel all those same feelings you felt when you and your H first got together. Hence, you are not "in love" with H anymore, and you are "falling in love" with the new guy.

Love is very special, "in love" is just chemicals released in your brain.

By all means, divorce your H and go be with the new guy. The grass is always greener isn't it?

February 16, 2010

Then there is the matter of another person I met. This person makes me feel alive and excited again. He loves the same things I love and we can just spend hours talking about anything, something my husband has never done with me. I think I am falling in love with him but he lives quite far away at the moment. He isn't a factor in me wanting to potentially leave my husband but he makes me see what I could be missing out on.

I honestly read only this paragraph in your post.

Reboot is dead on. You have only two choices in my book:

1) divorce your husband and move on to another relationship where you will no longer be 'in love,' at some point...

2) tell all to your husband including details about the other guy, and begin to work on improving your marriage...

February 17, 2010

Well, I'm guessing that this new guy does not pose a threat to you, as you are not in a relationship, do not spend significant amount of time together, and do not have the issues that your H and you do. Of course you feel you are in love with him!

But what happens if you leave your H and things go sour with this guy? You start having problems? Will you fall out of love with him then too?

I'm not trying to be mean or put you down. I agree with reboot that the grass is always greener. You just have to decide if it's green enough for you.

February 17, 2010

Same old story, I swear it is the same old story....

We all know how this is gonna turn out.

February 17, 2010

- Do you have kids?

- Do you have a job or do you attend school?

- If not, why is it difficult to keep up with the house - when it is just the 2 of you?

- Why doesn't he respect you enough to really talk to you the way this other guy does?

- Why do you fight so often? Seriously - some fighting is ok - but why so much? That is not a good sign.

I've been married for 4 years going on 5 in a couple of months. My husband and I got married when I was 20 yrs old and he was 21. We met when we were 12 and 13 in church and he was honestly my first true love. We didn't date all those years prior to marriage but I found myself thinking of him constantly.

Our dating as adults was extremely brief (6 months) when we both decided we were ready to take the next step. At this point he was just starting his first year in college and I was experiencing life outside my parents house for the very first time ever. This prompted my husband to inform me that things would most likely be hard, but being an excited bride to be I decided I could take the challenge head on.

Like every young married couple our first year was rough. We fought and made up every day. But we were madly in love and that was motivation enough to keep going. By our second year things had settled down and we had grown more accustomed to each others habits. Our third year rolled around and we had developed more of a routine and then a huge change occurred, he got accepted into the school of his dreams which meant moving across the country and leaving everything and everyone we knew behind. This was especially difficult for me considering that all my family (excluding my parents) live back home.

For him, making new friends at school and just having a new life came like second nature, but for me, living in a new unfamiliar place has proven to be hell. I find it difficult to make new friends and the fact that I'm not allowed to have any male friends makes it even worse. Last year was nothing more than a year full of doubts and unhappiness. My life began to feel empty and meaningless. He is always at school, and when I say always, it isn't an exaggeration. I spent so much time alone I began to get accustomed to it and even more so like it. When he comes home it feels like a drag. It's like the General has come home and I have to make him happy.

When I began to have these feelings I tried telling him that I was unhappy and something needed to change, but he just always got and still gets defensive and tells me it's because I don't try hard enough to be a good wife. Finally one day I blurted that I didn't want to be married anymore and I missed how he was when we were dating, which has caused him to secretly resent me every since. He constantly tells me if I want to go out with friends then I should just be single and leave. On top of all this he goes into a rage if the house isn't exactly how he likes it. Mind you, he makes messes and never cleans up after himself. His rages have gotten so bad he got physical with me twice (not exactly hit but close enough). After informing his mother of what he was doing she had a talk with him and it hasn't occurred again.

In an effort to find what I wanted I spent Christmas and New Years in South America with my parents while he stayed home with his parents. During that time I had a lot of thinking to do and we spoke everyday. He said things would change, that he wouldn't be controlling as long as I did what I needed to do as a wife (which now that I think about it sounds controlling). So I came back home. To make things better for myself I decided to go to school to find what I want to do with my life besides be a wife, and that whole experience makes me desire my freedom again. I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without feeling guilty all the time. But then, feeling like that makes me feel even more guilty.

My husband is sweet, caring and extremely responsible. I know in my heart he is madly in love with me and he has never cheated on me. But on that same coin he is extremely controlling and wants everything to be his way. I feel like a trapped bird.

Then there is the matter of another person I met. This person makes me feel alive and excited again. He loves the same things I love and we can just spend hours talking about anything, something my husband has never done with me. I think I am falling in love with him but he lives quite far away at the moment. He isn't a factor in me wanting to potentially leave my husband but he makes me see what I could be missing out on.

What should I do?

February 17, 2010

Same old story, I swear it is the same old story....

We all know how this is gonna turn out.

Bet the mortgage on this one.

Do the right thing, set your husband free.

February 17, 2010

So glad to see I wasn't the only one who thought "Who's the other guy?" as soon as I read the title.

OP, as a married woman you need girlfriends. Any opposite sex friends should be friends of the *couple*, not just *your* friends. This is the way to stay away from the temptation of cheating.

Your husband has an anger issue by the sounds of it, but you need to look at your own behavior as well. You are trying to justify starting an affair when you should be working on your marriage.

February 17, 2010

Get some marriage counseling.

Go back and read the vows you took on your wedding day.

I bet no part of it said, I will love you until the fluttery butterfly feeling go away and some other guy comes along.

February 17, 2010

Been there and done that. I said those same exact words to my H (the title of your thread). Nothing like "affair fog."

Go see a MC (marriage counselor) if you want to rebuild your marriage, otherwise you may meet someone else closer to where you live. It is not a fun or an easy process.

If divorce is not an option you should seek help for you and your husband.

I wish the best of luck to both of you.

February 17, 2010

I agree with everyone else - this is such a cliched story, we all know if you continue as you are, you'll end up cheating on your husband.

Aside from that, I'm just curious: Are you a full time housewife?

You didn't mention what you're studying, or where you work.

February 17, 2010

Same old story, I swear it is the same old story....

We all know how this is gonna turn out.

I agree. I know this is harsh but since there are no kids maybe she should just divorce him and let him move on with his life.

February 18, 2010

total cliche.

Let him go, and go find your own brand of happiness. Do it before kids, please.

February 18, 2010

'this is such a cliched story'

'Same old story, I swear it is the same old story....

We all know how this is gonna turn out'

'It's a tired, old script'

What isn't a cliche on this site? - what isnt a tired old story? When was the last time you read something on here and thought - Ooh! THAT'S a new one!

The point is the above responses are all just huge communication blocks that do not help the original poster clarify anything. They just stop communication which is what she came on here for.

So - what qualifies a poster to get some decent, helpful replies?

Problems should be looked at with new perspective - each time - however 'old' the story is.

February 18, 2010

What exactly would you think a new perspective would be? She and her H have been together long enough for the new to wear off. Therefore she's no longer "in love" with him. New guy is paying her attention, causing those good old chemicals to be released into her brain, therefore she's "falling in love" with him.

She's been told to forget the new guy and work on her marriage and to dump her husband and go be with the new guy. The only thing no one mentioned is dump both and learn to be by herself.

What other perspectives are there?

February 18, 2010

What exactly would you think a new perspective would be? She and her H have been together long enough for the new to wear off. Therefore she's no longer "in love" with him. New guy is paying her attention, causing those good old chemicals to be released into her brain, therefore she's "falling in love" with him.

She's been told to forget the new guy and work on her marriage and to dump her husband and go be with the new guy. The only thing no one mentioned is dump both and learn to be by herself.

What other perspectives are there?

I think Forgetmenot was endorsing the perspective where we all coddle the OP and feel sorry for her and tell her to indulge in her new relationship with the new guy that makes her feel good while staying married to the provider until she's able to determine whether or not the new relationship would pan out if she left her husband at which point she would then do so without the husband ever having a clue about this runon sentence.

February 19, 2010

I think Forgetmenot was endorsing the perspective where we all coddle the OP and feel sorry for her and tell her to indulge in her new relationship with the new guy that makes her feel good while staying married to the provider until she's able to determine whether or not the new relationship would pan out if she left her husband at which point she would then do so without the husband ever having a clue about this runon sentence.

Stupid me. I forgot about that one. Thanks!

February 20, 2010

I've been married for 4 years going on 5 in a couple of months. My husband and I got married when I was 20 yrs old and he was 21. We met when we were 12 and 13 in church and he was honestly my first true love. We didn't date all those years prior to marriage but I found myself thinking of him constantly.

Our dating as adults was extremely brief (6 months) when we both decided we were ready to take the next step. At this point he was just starting his first year in college and I was experiencing life outside my parents house for the very first time ever. This prompted my husband to inform me that things would most likely be hard, but being an excited bride to be I decided I could take the challenge head on.

Like every young married couple our first year was rough. We fought and made up every day. But we were madly in love and that was motivation enough to keep going. By our second year things had settled down and we had grown more accustomed to each others habits. Our third year rolled around and we had developed more of a routine and then a huge change occurred, he got accepted into the school of his dreams which meant moving across the country and leaving everything and everyone we knew behind. This was especially difficult for me considering that all my family (excluding my parents) live back home.

For him, making new friends at school and just having a new life came like second nature, but for me, living in a new unfamiliar place has proven to be hell. I find it difficult to make new friends and the fact that I'm not allowed to have any male friends makes it even worse. Last year was nothing more than a year full of doubts and unhappiness. My life began to feel empty and meaningless. He is always at school, and when I say always, it isn't an exaggeration. I spent so much time alone I began to get accustomed to it and even more so like it. When he comes home it feels like a drag. It's like the General has come home and I have to make him happy.

When I began to have these feelings I tried telling him that I was unhappy and something needed to change, but he just always got and still gets defensive and tells me it's because I don't try hard enough to be a good wife. Finally one day I blurted that I didn't want to be married anymore and I missed how he was when we were dating, which has caused him to secretly resent me every since. He constantly tells me if I want to go out with friends then I should just be single and leave. On top of all this he goes into a rage if the house isn't exactly how he likes it. Mind you, he makes messes and never cleans up after himself. His rages have gotten so bad he got physical with me twice (not exactly hit but close enough). After informing his mother of what he was doing she had a talk with him and it hasn't occurred again.

In an effort to find what I wanted I spent Christmas and New Years in South America with my parents while he stayed home with his parents. During that time I had a lot of thinking to do and we spoke everyday. He said things would change, that he wouldn't be controlling as long as I did what I needed to do as a wife (which now that I think about it sounds controlling). So I came back home. To make things better for myself I decided to go to school to find what I want to do with my life besides be a wife, and that whole experience makes me desire my freedom again. I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without feeling guilty all the time. But then, feeling like that makes me feel even more guilty.

My husband is sweet, caring and extremely responsible. I know in my heart he is madly in love with me and he has never cheated on me. But on that same coin he is extremely controlling and wants everything to be his way. I feel like a trapped bird.

Then there is the matter of another person I met. This person makes me feel alive and excited again. He loves the same things I love and we can just spend hours talking about anything, something my husband has never done with me. I think I am falling in love with him but he lives quite far away at the moment. He isn't a factor in me wanting to potentially leave my husband but he makes me see what I could be missing out on.

What should I do?

u should just be honest tell him that u r in love with someone else & want to end ur loveless marriage . he might have a chance of getting a wife who's in love with him .

Its unfair if u Continue with ur husband & at the same time being in love with other guy.

Best of luck

February 25, 2010

You shouldn't have put yourself in a situation where you would fall in love with another guy, and you definitely should have ended things if you felt you were falling for him...

I think you should tell your husband exactly how your feeling, including the feelings you now share with another guy.

Even if you leave your husband for this other guy, things are not going to be perfect forever with this new guy, your going to have your problems. What's going to happen then? You can't keep looking for something better.

After you tell your husband about everything, i would try working things out with him if he still wants to be with you... You DID get married for a reason, try to spark things up again...

While he's gone for the day go out with your friends, be social!

My husband is in the military, so i know how it is to be at home all day and not know anybody around you! Have your husband introduce you to some new people..

February 25, 2010

OP, whatever you decide to do with your life, please don't have any children.

February 25, 2010

"In Love" is what kids do when they are practising and pretending to be adults. It's a game.

Love is what mature people do and mature people don't play games with each other.

February 26, 2010

UnhappyBride, any updates for us?

It's been 10 days since you originally posted. I realize the responses may be perceived by you as being harsh, but that should not prevent you from returning to update (good, bad or otherwise)...

February 28, 2010

Which was exactly my point about communication blocking - the op has not returned.

Whilst it is good to have different responses - there is no point if the post is dismissed as 'tired & old' by most of them. This says more about their agenda than the op's problem.

If someone tells you a problem, and you say 'Oh, not this again! Ive heard it all before!' The other person feels as though they may have 'burdened' the listener and inevitably is not comfortable saying anything else.

Noone has empathised - just judged and then dismissed.

Excellent!

February 28, 2010

Which was exactly my point about communication blocking - the op has not returned.
Whilst it is good to have different responses - there is no point if the post is dismissed as 'tired & old' by most of them. This says more about their agenda than the op's problem.
If someone tells you a problem, and you say 'Oh, not this again! Ive heard it all before!' The other person feels as though they may have 'burdened' the listener and inevitably is not comfortable saying anything else.
Noone has empathised - just judged and then dismissed.

Excellent!

Perhaps you have something to contribute besides chiding those who post in this thread?

February 28, 2010

It's Just an observation.

As I said earlier, a variation of responses are fine - they jusy all seemed to be negative and assuming, based on having heard the problem time again.

A kind of 'pack mentality' response.

It just made me wonder what the point was? Imagine going to see a counsellor, and them rolling their eyes & saying 'Oh, now THIS is a new one on me'........

You wouldn't go back, would you?

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