MalachiX Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) I'll try to be as brief of possible. Recently, a much older friend of mine (he's in his 50s and I'm in my 20s) started dating a good friend of his who I was aquainted with. I'd joked a number of times about being frustrated with my lack of success with woman so, in his admittedly hilarious old-person enthusiasm at being newly in love, he offered to introduce me to her daughter. I figured, "why not, it' might be fun" but, upon meeting her, found out she had a 4 month old baby. We had a pleasant cup of coffee (I don't neccesarily see a life long relationship brewing but she's nice) and she invited me to dinner with her Mom and my friend tomorrow. The whole thing now feels kind of high pressure. For starters, even though I'm a bit older than her (26 vs 21), I can't help but assume she'd be looking for something a lot more serious than I would. I'm planning on moving to a new city in the coming months and am only looking for something light. She's clearly in a period when she's struggling and I'd rather not give the impression that I'm a stable guy who she can count on when I'm most certainly not. My attitude toward recently has been to try to date more, even when I don't think there's a big chance at a future, just to get back into the swing of things and find out what I'm really looking for. In this case though, I don't want my care-free experimentation to negatively impact someone in need. I certainly don't want to end up hurting this girl and not only making her life more difficult but also perhaps damaging the relationship with my older friend. What's the proper way to deal with this? Edited February 16, 2010 by MalachiX
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 The proper way to deal with this is to go for dinner but keep it very platonic. You don't want to be involved with a desperate single mom, especially at your age, when you don't have to. You are right to conclude that she is likely interested in a more 'serious' relationship, which is a delicate way of putting it. The bottom line is that she is likely looking for a source of financial support for herself and her baby (assuming that the guy who impregnated and dumped her is a deadbeat and is paying little to no child support, as is often the case). Believe me, you don't want to be in that situation. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.
Author MalachiX Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Thanks. Any other advise? I'm really at a loss here. I keep thinking I should try to date more so I feel more comfortable with this stuff but keep finding myself in odd situations.
and.then.some Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) 1. Don't listen to Johnny M. He just deduced this woman, who he doesn't even know, to being needy and looking for a free ride. That is one of the worst stereotypes of the single mother around. Financial hardship does not lead every women to becoming a gold digger. Having any number of hardships does not automatically mean that a woman is now helpless, even if she does have a child. 2. Why assume that she's looking for something more serious than you are? If something she's actually told you has given you that impression, just let her know where you stand. Let her know what you're looking for and what you're not looking for. Tell her about your situation and plans, and just let her know that you're not looking to lead her on. Simple. As for the odd situations, don't worry about it so much. Just make sure you're clear that you're just dating and not looking for a serious relationship for whatever reasons. As long as you're honest you shouldn't have any problems. The only reason people get into sticky situations with clearly rational people is because they're too afraid of being upfront about their intentions. People cause others (and themselves) more heartache and headache from fear of honesty than they do from being polite and truthful. Edited February 16, 2010 by and.then.some
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 1. Don't listen to Johnny M. He just deduced this woman, who he doesn't even know, to being needy and looking for a free ride. That is one of the worst stereotypes of the single mother around. Financial hardship does not lead every women to becoming a gold digger. Having any number of hardships does not automatically mean that a woman is now helpless, even if she does have a child. You must ahve missed the part where he said that she is a single mother with a four month old baby. Now tell me, between working and raising an infant, how does a woman find time to date? It's only possible if she is really, and i mean really desperate. A less desperate woman in her situation would be focused on raising the kid, not finding a sucker to unload her financial burden on. Yes, it's a stereotype that single mothers are desperate, but most of the time it's true.
polksaladannie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 You must ahve missed the part where he said that she is a single mother with a four month old baby. Now tell me, between working and raising an infant, how does a woman find time to date? It's only possible if she is really, and i mean really desperate. A less desperate woman in her situation would be focused on raising the kid, not finding a sucker to unload her financial burden on. Yes, it's a stereotype that single mothers are desperate, but most of the time it's true. Well how does a single woman with an elderly ,needy parent, high powered job or demanding school schedule find time to date a man?? The same way a single mom does-by being organized. OP-Unless this young woman came right out and said she wanted to marry you, I think that you are flattering yourself. Single mother does not equal "will take whatever I can get"
animalinthemist Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 wow poor girl shes probbly excited for ur second date, enough to bring a mom around. and u go to a forum and ask people, claiming that u do not want her. what a sad world we live in.
sullysteve Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I'd approach this one like any other casual dating relationship: - See her only once or at most, twice a week - Only talk to her on the phone to set up dates - Keep emails, texts and IMs to a minimum (don't do it at all if you can) - No long heart-to-heart talks; keep it light and fun She'll get the message. If she wants more, just be upfront and honest with her. You wouldn't have been leading her on, so it'll all be good.
Author MalachiX Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 OP-Unless this young woman came right out and said she wanted to marry you, I think that you are flattering yourself. Single mother does not equal "will take whatever I can get" I'm sure you're right and I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. I just don't want to be a jerk to someone in a vunerable state. wow poor girl shes probbly excited for ur second date, enough to bring a mom around. and u go to a forum and ask people, claiming that u do not want her. what a sad world we live in. So, I'm being a bad guy for being concerned about her feelings and not wanting to hurt her or the relationship with my friend? Love these boards.
alphamale Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 What's the proper way to deal with this? if she ever says "i'm not looking for a daddy for my child" then run for the hills
Author MalachiX Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 if she ever says "i'm not looking for a daddy for my child" then run for the hills Yeah. I'll just take a swan-dive out the window and hope for the best.
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 if she ever says "i'm not looking for a daddy for my child" then run for the hills Good observation. The same applies to women who make a point of saying that they are not into playing games (it actually means that they are very much into playing games).
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