That_girl Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I was jealous, possessive, needy, clingy, unsupportable, unstable, overly critical, pessimistic....and a whole bunch of rotten stuff. I don't genuinely want to be this way, I want to be a good person but I feel like I must be horrible. He wouldn't have let me go I if I was the great girl that my friends say I am. I drove him away and only now after many weeks of not speaking do I realize this. I feel so horrible....I want to apologize so badly for putting him through all of that. I hate that I hurt him, I hate myself for it. I wish he knew that, but I know that he wants nothing to do with me at this point so I will respect his wishes. He broke up with me, and before he did he told me that I made the last two years of his life a living hell. That literally made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life. He also told me that no one else in my life would have been there beside me when my mom tried to commit suicide. That made me feel more isolated than ever even though I know it's not true. He really did tear down any self-esteem I had left. I can't help but feel that maybe I deserve all of this torment. I feel like I turned him into the hurtful, cold, and heartless person he became during the final year of our relationship. Does anyone else feel like they forced their ex into breaking their hearts?
USMCHokie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I feel like I turned him into the hurtful, cold, and heartless person he became during the final year of our relationship. Does anyone else feel like they forced their ex into breaking their hearts? Nope. This guy sounds like an f'in douchebag to be honest. It's not that you turned them into something else. It was that their true colors finally showed through as time went on. When you first start dating someone, both people are obviously trying to put their best foot forward and impress their partner. However, as the relationship progresses, the two people start getting more comfortable "being themselves" around their partner. Please don't think you "forced your ex into breaking your heart"...that's complete bullsh*t...he broke your heart because that's the kind of person he truly is, and you are better off without someone like that in your life. You didn't change your ex...he was always hurtful, cold, and heartless. He just hid it at the beginning of the relationship, and it finally came out. Love yourself.
jen_r Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I was jealous, possessive, needy, clingy, unsupportable, unstable, overly critical, pessimistic....and a whole bunch of rotten stuff. I don't genuinely want to be this way, I want to be a good person but I feel like I must be horrible. He wouldn't have let me go I if I was the great girl that my friends say I am. He broke up with me, and before he did he told me that I made the last two years of his life a living hell. That literally made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life. He also told me that no one else in my life would have been there beside me when my mom tried to commit suicide. That made me feel more isolated than ever even though I know it's not true. He really did tear down any self-esteem I had left. I can't help but feel that maybe I deserve all of this torment. I feel like I turned him into the hurtful, cold, and heartless person he became during the final year of our relationship. Does anyone else feel like they forced their ex into breaking their hearts? my bf said all the same things to me. Clingy, smothering, unmotivated, etc. And my friends say "you've got alot going for you, you'll find someone great, he is just a fool". Well, maybe HE is right and my friends are just trying to lift my spirits. Which is how i feel. I DID force my ex to break my heart...I just didn't think it would hurt this much.
sedgwick Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I have those feelings too, for sure. I knew in the beginning of my relationship that music was very important to my ex, and when we started dating I was taking music lessons. But I'm a dancer, and it got to where I could only afford dance or music classes. Because I'm in a dance company, obviously I chose that. It really bothered my ex, though, and he didn't tell me. A few months later he dumped me, saying, "I just think only another musician can truly understand me." So yeah, I knew all along how important it was to him -- though I *did* believe he supported me in *my* interests, even though that turned out not to be true -- and I dropped it anyway. I have spent 2 years and 7 months now beating the hell out of myself for that. The remorse sucks. The inability to forgive oneself is hell. All I can say is that you have to try to recover, and to make yourself the best person you can be. My confidence in the worth of dance and everything else I do has been shattered, but I'm trying hard to get it back. The only thing you -- or I -- can do is to work on being the best possible versions of ourselves NOW.
twinklecat Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I was jealous, possessive, needy, clingy, unsupportable, unstable, overly critical, pessimistic....and a whole bunch of rotten stuff. I don't genuinely want to be this way, I want to be a good person but I feel like I must be horrible. He wouldn't have let me go I if I was the great girl that my friends say I am. I drove him away and only now after many weeks of not speaking do I realize this. I feel so horrible....I want to apologize so badly for putting him through all of that. I hate that I hurt him, I hate myself for it. I wish he knew that, but I know that he wants nothing to do with me at this point so I will respect his wishes. He broke up with me, and before he did he told me that I made the last two years of his life a living hell. That literally made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life. He also told me that no one else in my life would have been there beside me when my mom tried to commit suicide. That made me feel more isolated than ever even though I know it's not true. He really did tear down any self-esteem I had left. I can't help but feel that maybe I deserve all of this torment. I feel like I turned him into the hurtful, cold, and heartless person he became during the final year of our relationship. Does anyone else feel like they forced their ex into breaking their hearts? Please don't blame yourself, while yes it takes 2 people in a relationship, and the responsibility lies with both when it ends, it is not all your fault. You cannot turn anyone into being a cold and heartless person...they have always been that way. My ex said pretty much the same stuff to me, made me feel AWFUL, and yeah I was negative, depressed and snappy, but I realise alot of that was his doing, as it's funny, I'm not that person anymore now I'm not with him, and I see him for the selfish loser he is, I took him off that pedestal. Be kind to yourself, you ARE a wonderful person, and don't let anyone try to tell you different! ~Twinkle x
Author That_girl Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Instinctively, something is telling me that you're right. He must be a total douchebag because this time...I'm not begging him to forgive me. I don't feel that I did anything that warranted being dumped at the time of that argument. Usually I ran back a thousand times after an argument. He would never be the first one to apologize.....even if the argument was his fault. I can't live like that anymore. I can't be the only fighting for something, and I've only recently begun to realize that. I still feel guilty, and I do feel that I am responsible for a lot.....but I will never tell him that after what he's put me through.
pureinheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Nope. This guy sounds like an f'in douchebag to be honest. It's not that you turned them into something else. It was that their true colors finally showed through as time went on. When you first start dating someone, both people are obviously trying to put their best foot forward and impress their partner. However, as the relationship progresses, the two people start getting more comfortable "being themselves" around their partner. Please don't think you "forced your ex into breaking your heart"...that's complete bullsh*t...he broke your heart because that's the kind of person he truly is, and you are better off without someone like that in your life. You didn't change your ex...he was always hurtful, cold, and heartless. He just hid it at the beginning of the relationship, and it finally came out. Love yourself. TOTALLY AGREE!!!!! 150%...I would even call this "gaslighting"....hey we all mess up, although when I read the beginning of your post, I thought WTF did this guy do to this girl....OMG Great reply US.....
pureinheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Instinctively, something is telling me that you're right. He must be a total douchebag because this time...I'm not begging him to forgive me. I don't feel that I did anything that warranted being dumped at the time of that argument. Usually I ran back a thousand times after an argument. He would never be the first one to apologize.....even if the argument was his fault. I can't live like that anymore. I can't be the only fighting for something, and I've only recently begun to realize that. I still feel guilty, and I do feel that I am responsible for a lot.....but I will never tell him that after what he's put me through. After awhile, you wonder what your fighting for? Douchbag is a nice term...I worked in aircraft around a bunch of guys all of the time...I learned a very interesting vocabulary..lol
pureinheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I have those feelings too, for sure. I knew in the beginning of my relationship that music was very important to my ex, and when we started dating I was taking music lessons. But I'm a dancer, and it got to where I could only afford dance or music classes. Because I'm in a dance company, obviously I chose that. It really bothered my ex, though, and he didn't tell me. A few months later he dumped me, saying, "I just think only another musician can truly understand me." So yeah, I knew all along how important it was to him -- though I *did* believe he supported me in *my* interests, even though that turned out not to be true -- and I dropped it anyway. I have spent 2 years and 7 months now beating the hell out of myself for that. The remorse sucks. The inability to forgive oneself is hell. All I can say is that you have to try to recover, and to make yourself the best person you can be. My confidence in the worth of dance and everything else I do has been shattered, but I'm trying hard to get it back. The only thing you -- or I -- can do is to work on being the best possible versions of ourselves NOW. But you didn't do anything wrong...it was an excuse for him to exit...be glad he's gone, he's arrogant and self centered.
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I can understand how you feel. I feel that way myself sometimes. I know I pulled away from him out of frustration at his inability to take care of himself, and it seemed like every time he called or came around toward the end it was because he needed something. It doesn't help my feelings of guilt much but I just keep telling myself the reason why I pulled back from him, which resulted in his finding someone else, was because he was just using me and I knew that. I knew that and let it go on. The relationship was doomed from the start. I need a real man who is not dependent on me for their very survival. So it's for the best that it worked out the way it did. That's what keeps me going. Realize that if you were acting that way with him, there was probably a darn good reason at the root of it all.
BentSpine Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Well, maybe HE is right and my friends are just trying to lift my spirits. Yes, young women will lie to make you feel better. And after that they will attempt to show some twisted sort of loyalty by brow beating the guy, even though they haven't heard his version yet. , you ARE a wonderful person,See!? This poster doesn't even know you yet is judging your character that you're not only alright, but even wonderful. That holds as much credibility as a sex manual written by the Pope. Do I have any helpful advice? I concur that we only have control over ourselves. We cannot control how someone treats us, but we had better take responsibility if we will remain for a second beating. If you feel guilty, wish him well in life but keep walking your own path.
Author That_girl Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 I agree with you BentSpine. I do realize that my friends (particularly the female ones) sometimes lie to make me feel better. And the fact that they haven't heard his side of the story usually leads them to provide a very biased opinion. However, I do feel that in my case, as well as others, a common issue here seems to be that our significant others have placed the blame entirely on us. That's not exactly how a responsible, mature man/woman deals with situations like this. If we're generally good people, we tend to accept blame and responsibility for actions. And if we're doormats to these a**holes, we tend to blame ourselves entirely without justification. That is just the cycle of abuse that we have subjected to. I'm sorry, but I thought I knew my ex. For him to just tear me down like this wasn't completely unjustified. But it showed a lack of respect for me and the relationship we shared. It's weird because hearing the people on these boards tell me that he was always heartless and cruel alerted to me to the times when I should have seen it coming. Even things that had nothing to do with me like the fact that he left his dog at some shelter because "he was too much trouble" should have been a clear indication of how he deals with things (and his lack of a conscience). Some people really don't give a **** about you and it only becomes obvious when the relationship stops becoming smooth sailing. They never admit to their own faults, and they don't care AT ALL even if you have handed them your still-beating heart. They would probably just step on it. I don't know if that makes us "wonderful"....but it does usually say something about them. I'm so sorry to all of you that are in pain. Eventually we'll move on and it won't feel like the end of the world. We'll learn from our mistakes, we'll forgive ourselves, and we will survive. I truly do believe that sometimes bad things have to happen for a reason. We'll find out what that reason is someday, and maybe we'll be grateful.
Sassygirl2 Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 That_Girl.....I like what you said.....I had the same situation with my now ex bf. Once in awhile I would see some sort of sign that my bf was a heartless douchbag (like kicking his dog for eating the chicken off of the counter).....Years ago I would have never put up with that **** and said something but I didn't because I was afraid of starting a fight. Walking on eggshells is no fun which is what I did for the last year. When he broke up with me it was because "I" was so negative, demanding, stressed out, and "I" spoiled his fun. I have spent the last few weeks feeling like I failed and now I know it wasn't all my fault. It just wasn't meant to be.
Author That_girl Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Sassy_girl I know exactly what you mean. I was walking on eggshells all of the time before he finally ended it. I couldn't stand it anymore, I just wonder why I never had the strength to walk away from him! I was so afraid...I knew I would be miserable without him, like I am right now. I can't seem to fully see him as the ass that everyone says he is. Maybe I will later. I was not perfect either...but at least I can accept that. It's difficult to admit that you were wrong. It's much easier to put all of the blame on someone else. But I'm trying to put things into perspective here. I know that when the wounds are still fresh, we tend to not see the whole picture. I miss him but I know I have to accept this and move on. Actually, I just saw an old picture of us on my computer and I felt kinda queasy. That's probably a good thing though. Although I want to call him/ talk to him, I feel sick just thinking about what he would say. It definitely wouldnt make me feel any better!
twinklecat Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Sassy_girl I know exactly what you mean. I was walking on eggshells all of the time before he finally ended it. I couldn't stand it anymore, I just wonder why I never had the strength to walk away from him! I was so afraid...I knew I would be miserable without him, like I am right now. I can't seem to fully see him as the ass that everyone says he is. Maybe I will later. I was not perfect either...but at least I can accept that. It's difficult to admit that you were wrong. It's much easier to put all of the blame on someone else. But I'm trying to put things into perspective here. I know that when the wounds are still fresh, we tend to not see the whole picture. I miss him but I know I have to accept this and move on. Actually, I just saw an old picture of us on my computer and I felt kinda queasy. That's probably a good thing though. Although I want to call him/ talk to him, I feel sick just thinking about what he would say. It definitely wouldnt make me feel any better! I can relate here, I walked on egg shells all the time, deep down I was unhappy, and more than anything I am mad I did not have the strength to walk away too. The urge to call and contact will get less, I still have the odd urge now and again, but to be honest, I don't want to hear the rubbish that comes out of his mouth! Stay strong and don't contact! It really does help immensely!
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