LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 The Question: In your opinion, how important is sexual compatibility in a relationship? Warning: Sexually Explicit Content Below: For the past 2 and a half years, I have been involved in a LDR with a great girl. We see each other about every 3 weeks, and the relationship is for the most part, very enjoyable. The relationship has been long distance for about 2 of the 2.5 years, and being so, we don't have sex very often. Unfortunately, the infrequency of sex has made it hard for me to notice are incompatibly in this area. My issue is simple: I want to have more sex, longer sex, and to try new things. On the other hand, she doesn't. She never initiates sex, and has told me that she really doesn't have a sex drive. If we were to stop having sex, she really would not care. Meanwhile, I have a very healthy sexual appetite. When we do have sex, we have a routine: we start things off in missionary position (while she just lays there), then she unenthusiastically gets on top for awhile (only if I ask), and then shortly after we do lazy dog (while I am stimulating her clitoris) until she has around 2-3 orgasms. After that, she tells me she wants me to finish, and then for the remaining part of sex, I focus on myself. Sex with her is degrading for both of us. It actually leaves me feeling guilty because it seems so unpleasant for her. In short, our sex life sucks and we are not very sexually compatible. Advice?
Austen Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Have you tried talking to her about it? Communication about issues is key. And a good sex life for both people (in my opinion) is very important. It's obviously leading to hard feelings on your end, so talk to her about it and tell her how you're feeling.
Sharla Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 One of my best times was with someone I was with for the first time, and I still think of that night and it makes me tingly . But there also has to be open and honest communication and its good when two people are open to trying new things with one another other. Sometimes I like to initiate, and other times I like it if he takes charge and just pounces on me .
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I've brought it up multiple times. However, recently, it seems to be getting worse. We are usually very good about fixing any issues that arise by good communication. However, this is something that communication alone cannot help.
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 In short, our sex life sucks and we are not very sexually compatible. Advice? Dump her and find somebody else. Don't waste your time with this tranquilized cow.
You'reasian Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Communication. What's the issue? Why does she have a low sex drive? Start the evening off with some romance. Some of her favorite music, flirt with her, make her get up and play with you or roll around on the ground with her - get her excited. Pounce on her! Make her laugh. Get her a glass of wine (or a beer - if she's a beer girl) and kiss her. Touch her. Explore her. Get her roused up and get at it! If this doesn't help and its a deal breaker for you, then move on and find someone whose got a higher drive.
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Dump her and find somebody else. Don't waste your time with this tranquilized cow. If it doesn't get any better, I will have to. To me, a healthy sex life is key to a long lasting relationship.. What's difficult is that she is great in most other areas and I love her very much. It's hard for me to weigh sexual importance against other areas without feeling shallow.
Sharla Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I know I posted this in another thread, but I'm going to post it here again and in keeping it clean, if you look at clip 3:07 (how he picks her up) and clip 3:19 (when he takes her hand and puts it back), is very hot. And the kissing is very, very intimate. I think of the guy I mentioned before when I watch that . You both have to stimulate not just one area, but a few. And that takes time to develop, communication, chemistry and a few other tasty ingredients
hats Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 This would be a deal breaker for me and should be for you unless you have a very low sex drive (and it doesn't sound like you do). Try posting this in the Marriage and Life Partnership forum and the many posters who are suffering through unsatisfying sex lives will tell you to get out now while you can. Many people have tried many different things to get their partner more interested in sex and as far as I know none of them have really been successful.
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Start the evening off with some romance. Some of her favorite music' date=' flirt with her, make her get up and play with you or roll around on the ground with her - get her excited. Pounce on her! Make her laugh.[/quote'] The issue with this is that she just doesn't seem interested anything if it's obvious that it is leading to something sexual. She will decline romantic massages, kissing, and so forth... About the only foreplay we currently engage in is me going down on her while she watches television on her laptop (what Johnny M would call a "tranquilized cow").
Els Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 About the only foreplay we currently engage in is me going down on her while she watches television on her laptop (what Johnny M would call a "tranquilized cow"). What, are you kidding me?!?!? I don't usually agree with this particular poster, but man, I think he's right on the spot this time with the 'tranquilized cow'. What sort of person watches TV when the other person goes down on them?! Is she at least even watching porn!?!?
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 This would be a deal breaker for me and should be for you unless you have a very low sex drive (and it doesn't sound like you do). I definitely have a very strong sex drive. Try posting this in the Marriage and Life Partnership forum and the many posters who are suffering through unsatisfying sex lives will tell you to get out now while you can. Many people have tried many different things to get their partner more interested in sex and as far as I know none of them have really been successful. I am taking your advice and posting this over there as well. Thanks!
Sharla Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 About the only foreplay we currently engage in is me going down on her while she watches television on her laptop (what Johnny M would call a "tranquilized cow"). Ewe. I think you need to zap her with a cattle prod.
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Is she at least even watching porn!?!? Haha, more like whatever new sitcom aired that week that she hadn't seen yet. The sad part it, I encourage the tv because she is less likely to decline.
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I know I posted this in another thread, but I'm going to post it here again and in keeping it clean, if you look at clip 3:07 (how he picks her up) and clip 3:19 (when he takes her hand and puts it back), is very hot. And the kissing is very, very intimate. Her and I have had sex like that... long ago. What I would give for sex like that now.
mem11363 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I have read lots and lots and lots of posts like this - except many of them are guys who are in year 20 of a mostly sexless marriage and they describe a beginning that is much like your own. And they thought they could fix her.... You cannot fix her - she does not like sex - you are super lucky that she is not pretending. After you marry she will have even less sex with you and after kids likely as close to zero as she can get. The issue with this is that she just doesn't seem interested anything if it's obvious that it is leading to something sexual. She will decline romantic massages, kissing, and so forth... About the only foreplay we currently engage in is me going down on her while she watches television on her laptop (what Johnny M would call a "tranquilized cow").
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 You cannot fix her - she does not like sex So badly I want this not to be true.
Sharla Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Her and I have had sex like that... long ago. What I would give for sex like that now. I sometimes wonder if people should disclose in the beginning of dating, how much sex they would be satisfied with on a weekly basis. Its one of those things you just can never anticipate. I mentioned in another thread how I have an aunt/uncle who have been married for 40 years, and at times she would complain how she didn't want to have sex with him because she was too tired or just didn't feel like it. But then she always says, it boils down to commitment. And even still, those two still remain madly in love with each other, you can just see it when they interact with one another.
Austen Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 A lot of women don't like sex because the men they're with don't know WTF they're doing. But along with that, it is also a woman's responsibility to tell her lover what she wants. You said you've talked to her about it...is there something in her past that is affecting her ability to enjoy sex now?
dreamingoftigers Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 In your earlier post you said she had 2-3 orgasms at a time, sounds to me like she likes sex. Sounds like she isn't understanding how important it is to you, I would BLUNTLY say, "I am worried that we are not sexually compatible because things used to be really hot between us, and now we seem to be in the same routine. What can I do to get you more interested. Name your craziest fantasy and we'll see what we can do." If that doesn't work then you are SOL.
Els Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Why are you putting yourself through an LDR for this?
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 A lot of women don't like sex because the men they're with don't know WTF they're doing. Not to sound full of my self, but I don't think this is the issue. I'm a very selfless lover and have read and tried just about everything to make sex more enjoyable for her. ...is there something in her past that is affecting her ability to enjoy sex now? Laziness? Seriously though, nothing that I am aware of.
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Why are you putting yourself through an LDR for this? Because I love her and aside from the sex, everything is fine.
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 If it doesn't get any better, I will have to. To me, a healthy sex life is key to a long lasting relationship.. What's difficult is that she is great in most other areas and I love her very much. It's hard for me to weigh sexual importance against other areas without feeling shallow. The only way it could get better is if her low sex drive was a result of a curable medical or psychological condition (i.e. depression, stress). If she has a low sex drive naturally, it's just the way she is. If her low sex drive is due to the fact that she's not physically attracted to you, it's probably not going to change either (although if it's a matter of you being out of shape, that's obviously something that can be improved).
Author LongDistanceJeff Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 ... I would BLUNTLY say, "I am worried that we are not sexually compatible because things used to be really hot between us, and now we seem to be in the same routine. What can I do to get you more interested. Name your craziest fantasy and we'll see what we can do." If that doesn't work then you are SOL. Craziest fantasy? She doesn't have any sexual fantasies... At least that is what she tells me. She would rather fantasize about our future. If I haven't already mentioned it: She told me that she doesn't enjoy the sensation of sex.
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