just_some_guy Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I awoke this morning to my wife touching me and rubbing my back and shoulders. To be honest, they felt like the hands of someone I didn't know. I didn't want them on me. There hasn't been sex for months, because of me. More and more my thoughts are leave, leave, leave. She wants to work on it, but my heart is not in it. Next step is a couples counselor. We need to either work out how to stay together or how to go our separate ways.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 She also needs to do therapy on her own. talk therapy and to get into a good frame of mind to start losing weight, to start taking better care of herself. To learn how live a healthier lifestyle, change her eating habits. Do you honestly feel counselling will save you two? If she is unwilling to change, to atleast make an attempt to lose some pounds, to work on herself in general, then going togther is a waste of time and money. Let me ask, what exactly has to happen (if wishes were horses here) for your marriage to get back on track, for you to love her, want her again, with passion.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I'm sorry for the pain you are going through JSG. I have been following your story, and I hope you find the answers you need before you loose yourself completely to her problem.
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 More and more my thoughts are leave, leave, leave. She wants to work on it, but my heart is not in it. Next step is a couples counselor. Just so you are prepared...if your heart's not in it, then couples' counseling won't help very much. For counseling to be effective requires your deep desire for it to work, and genuine commitment to actively participate, and dedication to do all the homework assignments, and willingness to be open and honest about your true feelings, needs, fears and frustrations, and willingness to listen with an open mind and heart when your wife shares hers, and desire to understand, forgive, support, encourage, etc. Counseling is hard work. If you're going to spend the time, energy and money, you may as well go 'all in' -- that way you'll also know that you really did do all you could, and made the best-informed decision that you possibly could have. Best of luck.
Author just_some_guy Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 She is, finally, making forward steps on her issues. I made a commitment to help her through the gastric bypass surgery and back on her feet. But I think it is too late for me. The passion is dead and has been for some time. There is no desire and all of my thoughts are about escape. There is a small chance in my opinion that it can work again. But we also need to talk through how splitting up might work. In either case, we aren't going get there on our own, thus the couples counseling. Brought up the idea of a trial separation with my IC. He said that might be a good idea. But he also said that it is pretty clear that the marriage is over from my perspective and that I've done about all I could do. Still feel bad about it. The prospect of moving out is daunting, the prospect of splitting up everything and starting over is also hard to accept. Even the process of just going through my personal stuff and sorting out what to keep and what to toss is overwhelming. Overall it is confusing. I've been looking at places to move into, reading about the legal steps, wondering when to call a lawyer and so on. Then there's the false hope that she's clinging to and me staying is only making that worse.
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Hugs, jsg. May I suggest that you can start to interview lawyers immediately. It may take some time to find someone you really want to work with, and you don't need to hire anyone until you're ready. Yes, it is a very difficult period to go through, even when you know it is the right (or perhaps the only) decision for you to make for yourself. It's perfectly fine to be gentle with yourself, and just do what you can when you can insofar as going through your personal things, sorting, junking and packing. Yes, the longer you don't tell her of your decision, the harder it will be on her (and on you, too.) OTOH, there is something to be said for delaying that conversation/confrontation until you feel mentally-emotionally stronger. I'm guessing your IC will be able to help you figure out what, when and how you're going to say. Practice with him until you feel confident. I'm sorry that your marriage is ending. No matter what led up to it, the actual reality of it still sucks.
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