Can't deal.

[jen_r]

I'm emotionally messed up. My head/mind is all f'd up. I am physically sick to my stomach pretty much all day long. I have no appetite. I can't even hang out with friends and when I do - my mind is not there. I'm just constantly thinking of *him*. I am beyond drained and have no motivation to do anything. I mean, I am prettty low right now and I'm scared. I'm scared of being in this state, it is not healthy. I have no one I can really turn to nor do I really want to burden/vent to anyone - I feel like a loser when doing so.

There is so much more to this breakup that I have not spoken about on here. But, I'll basically sum it up: I'm a total idiot and keep putting myself in situations where I'm being used. I'm begging and pleading like a f**king loser, giving him so much power. I'm being told straight out "I don't want to be with you" yet, i'm still holding on and torturing myself. I WANT SO BADLY to be able to say "F**K YOU, you're scum and you need to learn how to treat girls" ... but I can't. Because I am pretty much the definition of pathetic.

 

Is there any hope? I mean, I see people being sad/depressed and dealing with it - but I am mentally f'd up. I feel so so lost and....idk

[Sadbutrelieved]

Jen, it just takes time. You should make yourself eat something healthy; it will help with your energy level. Make a list of all the bad stuff he did and read it over and over when you are feeling bad. I know the feeling you're describing and I've felt it before, but I don't feel like that this time around because I felt it during the last part of our relationship and got it over with already. Time heals. If you think you're going into a full-blown depression, maybe you should see a doctor. They might be able to help you take the edge off.

[jen_r]

I was thinking of therapy, but I don't know if I can go. I feel so stupid for needing help and for letting one person solely destroy me. But like, even as I write this, tears are flowing down my face and I just wish I could go to sleep, but even sleep these days is not an option. idk.

[Sadbutrelieved]

Don't feel stupid for needing help. It would be more dangerous not to seek help if you need it. I'm thinking of going to see someone myself, just to figure out why I keep choosing partners who use me and why I put up with so much crap before I give up. I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm sure you don't either.

[HockeyMom]

Jen, You're not alone, trust me. Yes I AM emotionally messed up as well. Really bad. Yes I'm seeking all the help I can get. We've been split for 5 months and I've only been getting worse and worse and not 1 bit better. But my ex and his new gf just moved in together, so any hope of getting back together was lost. But, yes, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now. I knew I couldn't cope without meds, so I started seeing a phychiatrist for meds. I believe she misdiagnosed me and now today I saw a new med doctor. I finally have a prescription. I hope it helps. I have been taking other meds to take the edge off and it does help but I am in no means or do I want to become dependent on meds. But honestly for right now, I can't cope without them. But seeing my therapist once a week helps a little too. I am now realizing how many people I know are on some kind of medication for anxiety and/or depression. People who are sick need medicine. I am sick over my breakup and the thought of never having him back in my life is just unbearable to me. I am not suicidal becuase I have a son that needs me but functioning in every day life is very difficult. There is barely a second in a day where I don't think of him and miss him. Everybody says that it does get easier in time but I haven't come to see that yet. But anyway, I'm from Boston also... The North Shore, where abouts do you live?

Edited February 16, 2010 by HockeyMom

[jen_r]

I'm right outside Boston- stones throw away.

See, hearing that you are 5months down the road and you are still missing him terribly only makes me realize that I'm f**ked for a long time. I will not be getting over this ANY time soon. So, yay, for the next few months I have nothing to look forward to but the same heartache that I'm in now. I fell in love with someone, with no hesitation and I flat out got my heart BROKEN. What a joke. The only lesson I've learned from this relationship is that I'll never let anyone into my heart like that again.

[Calendula]

It sounds to me like you need to believe in yourself and in your ability to take control of your life and leave this relationship behind you. Sometimes you have to grab ahold of yourself, give yourself a little shake and ask yourself, "do I really want to let this guy keep controlling my life, even when he is no longer in it?" It is YOUR life, no person, especially an ex-boyfriend, and including yourself, should be allowed to make you feel this badly. But how you feel is something that you DO have control over, you just have to be able to find the strength deep inside you to take charge of yourself and your emotions when the time comes to move on.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't go through a mourning period or you shouldn't let yourself cry and feel the pain of the loss, but that at some point, sooner or later, you will have to let go, and you can CHOOSE when that time will be, and how much of your life you will spend in mourning for someone and something you will NEVER again have. Even if you did get back with him, nothing would ever be the same, and what did exist is OVER, for better or worse.

 

From the little you describe of your recently ended relationship it sounds like this ex of yours was emotionally abusive, and perhaps you should check out the emotional abuse forum here on LS. You will heal from this relationship. Your heart will mend, but you first have to let the relationship go, and forgive YOURSELF for letting it get to the point that it did. You are worthy of much better treatment, and as long as you learn all the positive things that you can from the terrible things that have happened to you, the time you spent in this recent relationship will not have been all for nothing. You will be stronger for surviving this period of your life, you just have to believe in yourself. To help you find this strength inside you, I think it might help you to read up on Assertiveness Training. To quote Wikipedia:

 

An assertive style of behavior is to interact with people while standing up for your rights. Being assertive is to one's benefit most of the time but it does not mean that one always gets what he/she wants. The result of being assertive is that

1. You feel good about yourself
   
2. Other people know how to deal with you and there is nothing vague about dealing with you.
   

You can start with this link which also has some excellent info:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2998551

 

At the beginning of the page it says the following:

"Assertiveness training does not teach the student to be aggressive, loud, or bullying, although it may well help them to stand up to those who are. Assertiveness is not about trying to dominate others: it is a more a matter of resisting those who seek to dominate and manipulate you."

 

Seriously, check it out. I think it might help you get a different perspective on how to deal with people who use you, and help you feel more in control of what happens in your life.

[jen_r]

Calendula, he was extremely verbally abusive. But I guess I am not exactly innocent in that scenario. But, I mean, I feel as though he tried to make me feel worthless. And he would tell me that his family and friends didn't think I was good enough for him. There are SO many things about him that anger me, I don't know why thats not enough reason to just forget him.

[amilyah]

Oh jen i feel so bad for you,i was there 3 months ago.I couldnt eat or sleep and cried all day everyday.I went 3 weeks without food and got myself really sick so you need to make yourself eat.Well one day i decided to stop the crying and started going out.My ex found out and guess what he didnt like it so he finally called,he asked me how i was and told him i was doing great.Well after 2 months nc,we now talk everyday.He says he loves me and wants us to work out(dont know if hes playing games with me yet).

 

The thing that helped me the most was this site.I listened to what everyone told me and went nc and when he does contact act strong not needy.I will be praying for you.I know you will get through this,it just takes time.

[Calendula]

From the little I've read on the topic, verbal abuse usually ties closely to emotional abuse (making you feel worthless). What if we put whatever you did to the side; your behaviour can never justify his, and vice versa - we are all responsible for our chosen actions, regardless of the circumstances that may have induced them. He's gone, he's not around to intentionally make you feel worthless anymore, so stop blaming yourself for what he said and did, and forgive yourself for what you said or did. They were HIS words and actions, and HE should take responsibility for them and how they made you feel, regardless of "what you did to deserve it." I would bet anything that you DID NOT DESERVE any of the verbal and emotional abuse that he gave you, no matter how bad your behavior, if only because NO ONE deserves that kind of treatment.

 

If you feel badly for how you treated him, yelling at him and so forth, then you have to take responsibility for acting in that way, and also acknowledge your actions are also in the past and there is nothing you can do to change them. You also have to acknowledge that you've experienced the consequences of those actions already, and you should therefore stop beating yourself up about it, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and promise youself that you won't ever do it to another person again. The only thing you can ever do to make up for events/actions of the past is to learn from them and try not to repeat the negative ones in the future.

 

With that said, do you think you can list out all of the bad things about this guy that you think should be reasons for hating him and moving on? Can you also list out all the good things you can remember which kept you with him for so long? I'm not sure how much it would help you, but perhaps putting it all in words may help it get out of your head and help you along the path away from him, and away from who you were when you were with him. If you do it on here, even if just bit by bit, we can give you feedback and try and help you work through some of the things that seem to be holding you back and upsetting you. Just a thought, but perhaps it could help.

 

Did you read the assertiveness links yet? Find anything you think might help?

[Calendula]

Check out this thread in the Abuse forum:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218252/

 

Perhaps you could have become this woman. Perhaps it is a good thing that your relationship with the man you were with has ended as it has.

[jen_r]

From the little I've read on the topic, verbal abuse usually ties closely to emotional abuse (making you feel worthless). What if we put whatever you did to the side; your behaviour can never justify his, and vice versa - we are all responsible for our chosen actions, regardless of the circumstances that may have induced them. He's gone, he's not around to intentionally make you feel worthless anymore, so stop blaming yourself for what he said and did, and forgive yourself for what you said or did. They were HIS words and actions, and HE should take responsibility for them and how they made you feel, regardless of "what you did to deserve it." I would bet anything that you DID NOT DESERVE any of the verbal and emotional abuse that he gave you, no matter how bad your behavior, if only because NO ONE deserves that kind of treatment.

 

If you feel badly for how you treated him, yelling at him and so forth, then you have to take responsibility for acting in that way, and also acknowledge your actions are also in the past and there is nothing you can do to change them. You also have to acknowledge that you've experienced the consequences of those actions already, and you should therefore stop beating yourself up about it, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and promise youself that you won't ever do it to another person again. The only thing you can ever do to make up for events/actions of the past is to learn from them and try not to repeat the negative ones in the future.

 

With that said, do you think you can list out all of the bad things about this guy that you think should be reasons for hating him and moving on? Can you also list out all the good things you can remember which kept you with him for so long? I'm not sure how much it would help you, but perhaps putting it all in words may help it get out of your head and help you along the path away from him, and away from who you were when you were with him. If you do it on here, even if just bit by bit, we can give you feedback and try and help you work through some of the things that seem to be holding you back and upsetting you. Just a thought, but perhaps it could help.

 

Did you read the assertiveness links yet? Find anything you think might help?

 

I read some of the assertiveness. I think I need to read it at a time when I can focus more. My mind is too crowded to absorb more information right now. But I will read it. I need all the help I can get.

 

I wish I could just go to sleep right now instead of rambling to you guys.

[Calendula]

I think you should also read through this thread. There is some really good advice and perspective that I think might help you some. You're not alone in dealing with people like your ex.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218577/

[PuggaGirl]

Jen, I'm right there with you. I get so mad because some days I can't get him off of my mind. I either think of the bad things, the memories, what he's doing now... He's right there and I'm so mad at myself for letting him get into my thoughts all day long. I started seeing a therapist. It really does help, even if all you do is cry and get everything you are feeling out. It took me a while before I could talk about why we broke up and things I needed to work on. I know how it is to be alone. I am finally opening up to some friends, but then I feel bad because I go on and on about the situation. I'm not sure if I can get/send PMs, but I'm happy to be there if you need someone to vent to.