Why does it seem like only men want both marriage and flings on the side?

[southernpie]

Hi, I'm new here and don't know if this is the right forum to be discussing this in. I've been reading on the Marriage and Other Woman/Man forums and it just seems to me like most of the powerful, married people who are cheating are men. From reading it seems like the man is happy having his cake and eating it too and the women in the situation are the unhappy ones.

 

By that I mean that it often seems like the other woman is attached emotionally to the married man and wants her and the married man to ride off into the sunset and eventually begin a new, committed relationship, while the wife, if she is aware of the infidelity, is hoping that her husband will stop cheating or is kicking him out for cheating. Are there no women who want to have their cake and eat it too? The stable family life and the fun sex on the side? Is this situation mostly peculiar to men? Most of the posts I've seen from women who cheat end up with them staying with their husband or leaving to be with the other man... very rarely does it seem like they stay in both worlds like the men who cheat seem to do, from these posts. I'm just trying to figure out why this is so. It seems to me that if this is the status quo then we women have a few choices, if we could all act collectively of course:

 

1. Stop helping men cheat

2. Stop putting up with our men who cheat

3. If we can't beat him, join him... maybe there's something to this "fling on the side" thing?! Why does it seem that only mean seem to benefit from this?!?!

 

Maybe I'm not making sense but these are the thoughts that are running through my head as I read these forums. I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has any thoughts on this matter. I'm not a judgmental person and am more interested in the human experience so I won't be nasty.

[bentnotbroken]

I think as you read more on these forums you will see that a number of those MM cheat with MW. Quite a few are partaking of the same "perks" as the MM you speak of. I believe men only have a slight edge and the gap is closing....fast.

[stillafool]

Yes, definitely keep reading. Some women are married and have had their "flings" on the side for years. It applies both ways.

[southernpie]

I suppose I missed that! I was reading about a lot of single Other Women with Married Men. I'll keep my eyes peeled!

[seibert253]

Read on. It goes about 50/50.

 

My FWW is a perfect example of one who wanted the security of our marriage, and her little "excitement" on the side. She had no intention of leaving me or her family for the other POS.

When faced with the reality of losing her H and family, her choice was not difficult.

[on1wheel]

I wish you were right...no offense to the ladies that have been betrayed. My wife had a loyal husband @ home (that she knew would not cheat) to look after our baby, but she was off pretending to be single again with girls 8-10 yrs younger & singlE.

I knew where it was heading, even voiced my concerns, but she said I was paranoid. I wasn't & she was having an affair, but once I said I was divorcing her & going after @ least half custody; well she changed her tune.

I have been on many boards like this & have seen @ least 50% of the A's with married women. Hell, it's the reason I'm here. Cheers.

[southernpie]

On1wheel and Seibert, thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear about your experiences.

 

Perhaps I'm thinking in terms of the social acceptability for a man versus a woman. For both of you, once your wives had to make a choice, they chose you... and it seems they were very smart to do so! And it sounds like you guys were not putting up with the cheating- you made it clear that the wife must make a choice. But I read on here and other boards about men who keep on cheating and it seems like many wives think, 'he'll come back' or 'if I make him chose, he'll choose her, and I don't want to push him away totally.' Now I know now ALL wives do this but it seems to me that more husbands put their foot down and either kick the cheater out or make the cheater stop cheating, than wives do.

 

I am wondering how your wives felt after this because it also seems to me that women tend to feel more guilty and bad whereas many men just keep on doing it. (Of course I think a cheating partner SHOULD feel bad and repent, so I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the women feeling this way-more like, shouldn't men feel this way too?!) And it seems like society is more forgiving or accepting of a man who cheats, even habitually, whereas it is almost always condemning to a woman who cheats (as well as the women who help the men cheat).

 

I know I'm making a lot of generalizations here based on gender and I know nothing's set in stone but it just seems to me that there are definitely usually differences. Does anyone agree or am I off in my own planet? I go there sometimes, ha ha!

[Dexter Morgan]

Why does it seem like only men want marriage and flings?

 

because you aren't opening your eyes wide enough.

 

plenty of women I have come across in my lifetime, and that I have known, wanted to be married, but wanted to hit the clubs with girlfriends to get their self-esteem fixed, and their attention getting personality fed.

 

works both ways, with both genders.

[seibert253]

At first, the only thing my FWW felt bad about was getting caught. Her "perfect world" senerio came crashing down. She readily admitted she would not have stopped until she got caught.

 

The guilt and realization of what she did, didn't register till much later, after I was ready to put her out the door, and her/my friends and family basically disowned her.

[southernpie]

Thanks for the insight.

 

Dexter- I have definitely observed women in relationships/marriages that go out and like attention and having their egos fed. However if any of these women actually cheat, she is immediately branded a whore. Whereas I observe men doing the same thing and it seems like no big deal. From my own observations, at least in my line of work which is professional, I see men who repeatedly cheat on their wives and seem to take no flak, whereas once a woman has an affair or participates in one, she is branded professionally and socially.

[southernpie]

I just realized that may sound like I'm in a professional sex business or something! I meant I'm a professional/career woman, nothing to do with sex.

[wheelwright]

I think there are some interesting differences here.

 

I don't really know if people would agree, but the way the BS is viewed is different. A BW is seen as a victim, and there is an understanding that her WH once caught will have a lot of explaining to do.

 

A BH is seen as a 'cuckhold' (hate that word), a fool, an idiot for not keeping his W under control.

 

This then reflects onto the WS. The WW is a b***h for doing this to her H, the WH is more like a dog with it's tail between its legs. The WW is to be hated, seen as a whore, the WH to be laughed at and commiserated with.

 

I think this generalises and perhaps exaggerates, but has some truth.

[reboot]

There are plenty of cheating wife stories on here if you look hard enough. I agree there are more cheating husband stories, but I think some of that is men are simply less prone to posting their stories online like this, whether they be the BH or the OM.

[Jeff1962]

Personally, I've had a fleeting thought of cheating before out of frustration, self need, maybe my wife has as well. What I do know is that I love my wife and I could not hurt her in this way or anyother way, at least not with malice or with personal intent. I know that I intend to remain faithful and work thru our marital problems.

 

I see plenty of women whom I find attractive and being a normal man I think about sexual things. Women are just so damn hot. This does not mean that I act upon these thoughts. Even though my wife and I do have our issues, I know that at the end of the day that I will come home to her and face her with honesty about our faithful love. To me there is something to be said about this, no matter the issues. We can work thru almost anything, at least try but infedility is a no go, deal breaker period.

 

I don't get the whole have your cake and eat it to ideal. Life is too short. I think that we need to remember that there is such a thing as karma and we will live it, every bit of it.

 

There is something to be said for honesty and faithfulness, these just cannot be replaced with anything in the world.

 

Just my two.

[threebyfate]

Infidelity isn't gender specific. There are plenty of women who cheat. But I will state that it's true that currently and in the past, more men cheat. We'll see what happens in the next 30 years, whether women catch up to this figure or not.

 

On another site which allows the poll feature, there's a poll about cheating. Surprisingly, the vast majority of respondents have never cheated. I sincerely wonder how much the media misrepresents cheating, since in real life, the ex-H was pretty much the only cheater I knew, at least for family and close friends.

[cuppa]

Thanks for the insight.

 

Dexter- I have definitely observed women in relationships/marriages that go out and like attention and having their egos fed. However if any of these women actually cheat, she is immediately branded a whore. Whereas I observe men doing the same thing and it seems like no big deal. From my own observations, at least in my line of work which is professional, I see men who repeatedly cheat on their wives and seem to take no flak, whereas once a woman has an affair or participates in one, she is branded professionally and socially.

 

Yep, it seems from most of the postings here, once a wife cheats (no matter the circumstances), the marriage is over (over 90% of the time) and the husband will brand her as a "W". But I think if the other way around, it seems that a lot more acceptable.

 

Maybe it's the income disparity (wife takes a full time housewife role and less secured with being alone, hence it's easier to look another way) or maybe it's simply the biological disadvantages, like the risk of getting pregnant so women are always at disadvantages regardless.

 

Personally for me, the desire to cheat emerged from time to time so yeah, definitely not because of lacking desires, it's probably more self discipline than anything else.

[reboot]

Actually, men may cheat more, but women walk away from the marriage more. Men very often cheat with no intention of leaving the marriage, women not so much. And the statistics clearly show women file for divorce much more often than men.

[threebyfate]

Actually, men may cheat more, but women walk away from the marriage more. Men very often cheat with no intention of leaving the marriage, women not so much. And the statistics clearly show women file for divorce much more often than men.

Hey reboot, do you have any idea what percentage of these female filed divorces are tied into infidelity, due to their spouses infidelity? There's some correlation, if you consider that more men cheat and more women file for divorce, don't you think?

[reboot]

Hey reboot, do you have any idea what percentage of these female filed divorces are tied into infidelity, due to their spouses infidelity? There's some correlation, if you consider that more men cheat and more women file for divorce, don't you think?

 

You're probably right, but the best you can tell is who filed. That's public record. In this age of no fault divorce, I doubt your question could be answered with any certainty.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter- I have definitely observed women in relationships/marriages that go out and like attention and having their egos fed. However if any of these women actually cheat, she is immediately branded a whore.

 

Depends on who you talk to. I definitely see a woman who cheats as worthless and not worth my time. Same goes for men. I don't hold them to any different standard. they cheat, they are low down lying dirty dogs.

 

So I don't care who cheats, they both are lousy types of people in my book.

 

 

 

Whereas I observe men doing the same thing and it seems like no big deal.

 

nope, I think men that cheat are huge SOB's that give the rest of us that don't a bad name.

 

 

From my own observations, at least in my line of work which is professional, I see men who repeatedly cheat on their wives and seem to take no flak, whereas once a woman has an affair or participates in one, she is branded professionally and socially.

 

 

Whether its a man or a woman, if they cheat, they should have cheater tatooed across their forehead to warn others.

 

Now here is another observation that I see on this forum that seems to favor women.

 

When a man cheats, he is a dirty dog, which is true in my book, and deserves a frying pan across the head.

 

But when a woman cheats............there must have been a good reason:rolleyes:.

As if when a woman cheats it should be understood as to why...whereas when a man does, its just because he's a d!ckhead.

[reboot]

We all know women cheat simply because their man doesn't communicate well......

[Lizzie60]

Although there are much more women that cheat because they are no longer dependent on men (financially)... there is still waaayyyy more men that cheat... (that includes erotic massages, flings, ONS, etc.)... women don't do the same type of cheating.. they cheat because they have an emotional connection with the man... men do not need that connection.

[anne1707]

But when a woman cheats............there must have been a good reason:rolleyes:.

As if when a woman cheats it should be understood as to why...whereas when a man does, its just because he's a d!ckhead.

 

We all know women cheat simply because their man doesn't communicate well......

 

 

When a woman cheats, it is generally for the same stupid, selfish reasons that men do.

[Snowflower]

Actually, men may cheat more, but women walk away from the marriage more. Men very often cheat with no intention of leaving the marriage, women not so much. And the statistics clearly show women file for divorce much more often than men.

 

I agree 100%

 

There is an adage that goes something like, "Men cheat but women leave" which sums up exactly what you have written here.

 

I think many times by the time a woman cheats on her husband, she is already emotionally disconnected from him and the marriage. So the affair is often just a symptom or a progression of her feelings about her husband/marriage. Not saying this is right, but it is what often happens.

 

Once a woman is done with her marriage, she is done. I see it all the time on these boards (infidelity or not on the woman's part) and IRL. Rarely does a woman change her mind once she reaches that point. So, when a woman has crossed that line and cheats on her husband, she often doesn't have a real desire to work on her marriage even if the BH (at least initially) is often willing to try to reconcile. The marriage was over long before the A as far as the woman is concerned. Oftentimes, she has given all she can to the marriage and didn't get what she needed in return. Again, no excuse for cheating.

 

Men, OTOH, often cheat more readily and for somewhat different reasons. I'm not sure why this is so but it could be the cliche MLC, opportunity, etc. Men often have no real desire to leave their marriages and then realize the mess they have made after the cheating comes to light. I'm not saying men cheat just for sex, but they don't necessarily cheat because they feel their marriage is over/dissatisfied with their wife.

 

I know this is huge generalization and its why I was careful to use the words 'often or many.'

[Dexter Morgan]

We all know women cheat simply because their man doesn't communicate well......

 

yup, thats the excuse alright.