GAboywillprevail Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I am new to the forums and have begun to visit because of my impending D after 19 years of M. My wife could not care what was bothering me even after I told her what the problem was. I told her we had problems and needed to discuss them, I gave her a list of things she needed to work on inorder to save our marriage... I told her I would do everything in my power to help. I even requested a "to fix me" list from her. All to no avail, she ignored me as always. Her way of dealing with conflict is to ignore it for so long that she makes it my fault. Or she says I should know what she is thinking. I told her that if we didn't discuss the list of items I required of her that I was filing for divorce. That was a month ago and the attorney is drawing up the papers. You may think this is funny....... one of my items to fix for her was that she needed to start wearing her wedding ring (she says she couldn't because it doesn't fit!!!!! Yeah right) The ring still has not been resized. I have dealt with all that I can deal with and it feels good to type this first post. I love her and I hate her, I am sick of being taken for granted and a lack of communication. AFTER 19 years I have no idea who my wife is...I don't know what she thinks or desires. I have asked and asked and she always says she is tight lipped because of the way she was raised.... B_llsh_t!!!!! I'm done I know this is sort of the opposite of what most men complain about their wives. My wife has taken NC to a new level. When we have a disagreement about even small matters, she ignores me for weeks on end. As of this writing we have not spoken for 3 weeks. We will not unless I make the first move. And of course I have NEVER heard I am sorry from her. Put a fork in this marriage...... I don't have the desire or energy anymore, she has left me an emotional wreck in that I keep trying to make her happy by bending over backwards... laundry, cleaning, cooking special meals, rubbing her back, paying all the bills etc. Someone said in one of the threads if you keep rewarding the behavior it will just get worse. Well I never thought of it that way until I started reading here and reflecting on my over giving behavior. I can NOT remember many good times over the past 19 years, there has always been some type of conflict or tension. It is pathetic that I have remained for so long.....but let me preface also that I am by no means the perfect husband. It has gotten over the past several years that I want to be with my buddies more than with her because she makes me feel so bad about myself. ANYWAY, sorry for the rambling, I need to get this out and it felt good. I have so much to say and ask on here......
AmeliaApple Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 GABoy...I'm glad you are willing to be honest with yourself about your relationship. I've been in a similar relationship for about 3.5 years. In October I had a life-changing event and began evaluating all of my relationships. My husband is reluctant to participate in doing the work on our marriage, but is taking those needed "baby steps". Communication was always a problem for us and emotional abuse as well (although I truly don't believe he intended to abuse me, it was just his innate reaction to conflict). I started seeing a counselor alone and now we are going together. I've decided that I will stay in the relationship and will do whatever it takes to make things better as long as he is. So far, we've gone to one counseling session, but it's been good. Although I have hope, there is a concern about continued open communication. They say it ad nauseum, but communication truly is the key to a successful relationship. Open, honest, reciprocal communication is what is needed to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Over half of all marriages fail, and of those that survive, only a fraction are truly fulfilling. It takes two people to make and break a relationship. If you feel you've done all you can, then leaving the marriage is probably for the best. I am happy that you are being true to your needs and hope you find happiness and love in the future. ~AA
mickleb Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 GAboy- You have not mentioned 'Nice Guy Syndrome' in your post. Have you heard of this before? You appear to fit the bill on this one, so you may find it helpful to read the book. I am glad you have found the courage to take control of your feelings. I am sorry that it has taken you so many years of frustration to do so. It is very important that you clearly state your needs to your partner from day one, in fact. Maintain your confidence in doing this and learn how to do it best (both within and outside of your intimate relationships) and you should have a brighter future. It sounds as though there may be too much water under the bridge for you and your wife. However, she may start behaving very differently when she realises you are serious. Be prepared. Take good care. x
Author GAboywillprevail Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) AA - thanks for the reply and I am glad to hear that you husband is willing to try. My wife has agreed to try on several occasions but it never lasts more than a week or 2. I truly believe people are hard wired to have certain dispositions and if you can't live with the way they are then you have to leave because they WILL NEVER change. I know after 19 years my wife will never change and I do not want to live with her the way she is hard wired. I think it is time for us to part... I have a son he is 15 yrs old and I think will be ok with the decision. He of course is and has been my focus in not doing this sooner. Mick, thanks for the book recommendation, I will definitely read it. I am hesitant to share this very personal list of items I asked of her but I would like feedback. And let me reiterate she has done none of the items except she did pay 50% of the utlity bills last month. Here goes: XXXXX 's Requirements to Avoid Divorce I hear you say you love me but your actions over the past several years tell me that you do not. We have serious problems and you have always refused to acknowledge or discuss these problems. This is my last attempt to salvage our 18 year marriage. · I cannot make you care and your inability to want to discuss our problems or how I am feeling proves to me you don’t care. You need to get help as to expressing your feelings and in discussing issues that affect our relationship. I am tired of not discussing things you don’t want to talk about. I cannot read minds and I am tired of you getting mad at me for being mad at you and ignoring the issue for months and years at a time. You must go to some type of counseling and I will be glad to participate in anyway. You are paying for the services. · When you leave overnight, you must tell me where you are going to be, how you are getting there, who you will be with and how to reach you. I want to talk to you every night or somewhat soon after I leave a message. I am done with you not answering your phone when you should be available. (at lunch in your car) · You must wear your ring from now on. (at work and out and about) · Your daughter is 26 years old, if your ex can’t reach her to discuss life with her, then there is no need for him to call you or send you an e-mail. If I was carrying on this type of relationship with my ex, you would go ballistic. You must terminate or “substantially” reduce your interaction with him and any other would be suitor. · When one of us leaves the house or comes home, we acknowledge the other person. (hopefully a kiss and a hug) · You will start paying some of the household expenses. Water, electric, gas, trash, groceries and health insurance. I will pay son’s tuition, lunches, mortgage, car insurance, and other misc expenses . I am open to discussion but I require your participation. · We will not go to bed mad. If you know I am mad, you will not ignore me and we will discuss the problem. · You will not smoke in the car. · We will spend at least 6 hours alone together each week doing something. · We will not go on vacation without the other person unless the person agrees. · We MUST be together as a family on holidays. NO EXCEPTIONS. · How can you say you love someone if you are saying mean and hurtful things about them. Our business is our business, if you can’t discuss we me, then do not discuss it with anyone else. I honestly do not feel that you will ever change but I am offering this as a final attempt at reconciliation. I must have your buy in on these requests or I do not want to be with you anymore. I am tired of trying to make you happy and you not being happy. You are driving me crazy and I am not going to live like this anymore. Please sign this and let’s get on with our life. If you do not agree or do not discuss these issues, I will file for divorce in the near future. I may not have phrased this in a positive tone but I have been dealing with this for years. I hope someone can use the outline and have it help their relationship. Edited February 16, 2010 by GAboywillprevail missed something
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I thought I would give you some input on your list, so hear are my opinions: · I cannot make you care and your inability to want to discuss our problems or how I am feeling proves to me you don’t care. You need to get help as to expressing your feelings and in discussing issues that affect our relationship. I am tired of not discussing things you don’t want to talk about. I cannot read minds and I am tired of you getting mad at me for being mad at you and ignoring the issue for months and years at a time. You must go to some type of counseling and I will be glad to participate in anyway. You are paying for the services. -the above is VERY important (pivotal really), likely the most important of the list, but will not change overnight, you must work on it together and give it time. · When you leave overnight, you must tell me where you are going to be, how you are getting there, who you will be with and how to reach you. I want to talk to you every night or somewhat soon after I leave a message. I am done with you not answering your phone when you should be available. (at lunch in your car) -I could not imagine being apart from my wife for long periods (overnights) without constant contact; it's only fair and respectable. I considered a career change that would have required weekly travel, and in the end decided it would put a heavy and unnecessary strain on the marriage, and decided not to pursue it. · You must wear your ring from now on. (at work and out and about) - my wife wears her wedding ring most of the time, and I do the same, if she is not wearing it because the hospital does not allow it (she's an RN), or she's working out, or doing yardwork, OK, cause there are times when I do not wear mine also. If things were relatively OK in my marriage and she stopped wearing it completely, I would lose faith in her loyalty and desire to be married. This might be silly to some, but that's just how I feel about it. · Your daughter is 26 years old, if your ex can’t reach her to discuss life with her, then there is no need for him to call you or send you an e-mail. If I was carrying on this type of relationship with my ex, you would go ballistic. You must terminate or “substantially” reduce your interaction with him and any other would be suitor. The relationship with the ex should be ok, as long as it's not, I miss you, or I wish we were still together, etc, etc, etc. I understand how it could bother you, but they share a child together, they will always have that connection. · When one of us leaves the house or comes home, we acknowledge the other person. (hopefully a kiss and a hug) -this seems like basic respect, which will only return if you are able to make a go of things. I could not live without this on a day to day basis. It would set the tone for a negative in the (shared) household. · You will start paying some of the household expenses. Water, electric, gas, trash, groceries and health insurance. I will pay son’s tuition, lunches, mortgage, car insurance, and other misc expenses . I am open to discussion but I require your participation. -unless she makes the same or more as you, or she is blowing money frivolously, I am not sure this should be a big concern (unless you feel she is using you). · We will not go to bed mad. If you know I am mad, you will not ignore me and we will discuss the problem. -this is somewhat negotiable, but if you are asking for it to stop the silence, it should be worked on in counseling. · You will not smoke in the car. -if she has always smoked, I don't see how you can ask this? · We will spend at least 6 hours alone together each week doing something. -the above is a great idea, but will only be relevant once the issues are closer to getting resolved. · We will not go on vacation without the other person unless the person agrees. -separate vacations are a HUGE sign of dissatisfaction, and/or possible infidelity (at least in my book). · We MUST be together as a family on holidays. NO EXCEPTIONS. -this would be considered normal by me, but your wife could perceive this as controlling the way you worded it. · How can you say you love someone if you are saying mean and hurtful things about them. Our business is our business, if you can’t discuss we me, then do not discuss it with anyone else. -I wonder what her response would be to the above? I honestly do not feel that you will ever change but I am offering this as a final attempt at reconciliation. I must have your buy in on these requests or I do not want to be with you anymore. I am tired of trying to make you happy and you not being happy. You are driving me crazy and I am not going to live like this anymore. Please sign this and let’s get on with our life. If you do not agree or do not discuss these issues, I will file for divorce in the near future. -the above paragraph is not worded correctly; again it comes across too demanding and controlling. I see where you are going, and kind of why you are demanding, but I am not sure it will accomplish what you are trying to accomplish.
Author GAboywillprevail Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 SNILWM - Thank you for taking the time to read my post and answer it sincerely. I guess I asked a very difficult question because noone except me knows the entire story behind the requests. For example - I understand the ex will always be somewhat in the picture BUT when she is receiving and sendin e-mails to him every other day, and he is asking how's it going , what's going on, have you talked to our daughter and a bunch of cutesy jokes.... I start to question the intention especially knowing that she would blow a gasket if I did the same. With that said, I think you are right on with your comments and will keep this in mind if we ever discuss them..... which I feel very doubtful will happen. My wife left out of town to take care of her sick mother on Dec 12, I spoke to her that evening, the next day I called and left her a message. She called me back the next day at 10:00am. I did not answer. I checked her phone bill and saw that the ex had contacted her around 3:30pm the day she did not call me back. She said she fell asleep. From that day on we did not talk again until Christmas eve when I called and asked her if she was coming home for Christmas. She said no and I lost control. Told her we were through. I did not speak to her again until January 5th when she returned home.......... as I am writing this I am asking myself what kind of fool I am, I really must be blind and or stupid. It seems so different as I read it to myself. If I was reading this as someone else's post I would be thinking this guy is a fool! This alone is enough to justify why I am filing for D. I am tired of being miserable and I have treated her well. Anyway, thanks again for your comments.
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