Here I Go Again Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Ok, I will try and make this a short version of the past 3+ years. Been dating a guy, the first 1.5 was the best relationship I have ever been in, however the last 1.5 years has been so up and down. We have probably broken up, not talked or NC hundreds of times within the past 1.5 years. He has children and a crazy ex-wife. The children disrespect him and hardly visit and the ex encourages this behavior from the children. She has really screwed with his life. He got married very early (20yrs) and was divorced and two children by the age of 24. The past 12 years (divorced) of his life has been horrible. I have experienced it first hand for the past 3 years. All we have been doing lately is fighting, disrespecting each other and just ugly towards one another. Just recently we decided to take a break. He needs to get his head straight and so do I. We would like to revisit our relationship at some point b/c we have so much in common and still love each other. We both agreed that a break is needed to find out if we are right for each other. Well, we have been on a "break" since the first of Jan....but I have asked him many times to have no contact with me. He says ok, but within days he is calling, texting and emailing....I still respond..my fault as well. He told me about 3 weeks ago that he starting talking to this older woman (9 years older) at a local hangout and they have gone out to lunch. He has never been a liar so I do believe that it was as innocent as that (remind you that we are on a break). Since then I think they have been out to lunch 3-4 times. He has never taken her out on a "night" date as of yet. Since we have contact I ask him all the time about her. He states that it is a "stress free" friendship. She sits and listens without the bitching that I typically supply. He says I am making more put of their friendship that what it is. We are both in sales and he has currently been laid off. I know he has a lot on his plate with the kids, ex, loss of a job, loss of the company car, child support and insurance needed for the kids. He has recently asked for my help over this weekend with contacts about a couple of job opportunities. I am in the same field of work and have a great deal of contacts. Today I told him that if he wanted my help he would have to cut off all communication with this lady. He was livid with me. He told me that was very unfair but he understands what kind of position he is putting me in. He again stated the "relationship" between him and this lady is just "stress free". He again, stated that if we are ever going to make it work we needed to take a step back. He said that he couldn't take me being so demanding. It wasn't about cutting off communication with her, he was mad because I gave him an ultimatum. I again informed him that he is the one doing all the calling. He said its b/c he still loves me so much and can't let go. He said that he is at his breaking point with all the stress and adding the arguing of him and I don’t help things at all. He stated that he wants us to work out in the end but needs some space to get his life back together. I also need space to get my head on right as I have issues to work out as well. So, my question is...do I take his calls and help him out. Should I really be concerned about this "lady friend"? Is she just filling some type of void...that what he told a friend of his? Will he ever come back around if we keep talking? I need help! So for the long message. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
paleblue Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 the relationship sounds like to me its in it death throws sorry to say. my suggestion, you seem like you have things together -a lot more than him. why dont you go out and find someone who is "stress free" if you ask me he is causing more stress in your life than you need. i dont think he is ever going to pull it together with all he has going on. if you want to remain friendly -cool. want to help him finding a job - cool. other than that.. i say find someone else. and just be his friend. i dont think he will ever fulfill what you really want in life. he sounds like damaged goods.
Author Here I Go Again Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I know, I know. It's just the hope of him changing and finding whatever it is that he needs to find. He keeps telling me that this "break" is to find ourselves and the good times again. Of course we both know there are no promises in life but I guess we both keep thinking that things will work out....or at least that is what he keeps stating and I keep believing. I guess things will never change for either our "relationship" or "friendship" if we continue to have contact for now. I don't know, guess it's all a pipe dream thinking we could be together. It just really bothers me that the time he is taking to find himself he has found a female companion....can't he be alone and figure things out for himself? I guess that's what taking a break means...we can find whatever it is to help us through a situation...with taking the chance that person will never return. Thanks for your post.
paleblue Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 people do not change. they can put on a good show and even convince themelves for awhile but it wont be long before they revert back. if someone wants to be with you they do not need a break from you and they sure as hell are not out with other people. he is out with another woman. who know whats really going on you are not there. if he cared that much about you he would be out with you instead. he is obviously available, willing and able too. he is pulling the wool over your eyes. he is trying to keep you around just in case his new interest doesnt work out. do yourself a favor and hit the launch button. find someone for you.
sunrae Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 people do not change. I disagree with this one statement... I beleive people can change if they truely want to, and want to work on themselves.. Some poeple know that the way things are going is not right and they take action to change what is wrong. But only THEY have to want to change.... A good friend of mine is having trouble in her marriage... She knows how she has been handeling things is not right and some of that is her personality and they way she handle fights and arguements.. She has taken an active role in going to counseling and learning how to change these behaviors.. Her husband has seen the changes, he has decided to go to counseling as well because he is tired of being, sad, mad and angery all the time... Again HE had to make the desion to change, get better and improve himself. Time and space. You guys need time and space, to truely work on yourselves. Your emotions are still to raw, because no time has been given to let some of the scars heal.
paleblue Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 i respect your opinion sunrae, that's cool. i do think it's possible, i just have not seen it really. they do have to want too change, i agree. but by far and large im not so sure the core person inside /or their psychology really changes, unless possibly faced with something very traumatic or life altering. like surviving armageddon, or perhaps over a long period of time consciously working on their behavior. sure people learn to put the seat down, stop smoking or learn to become more polite in public, but really changing who they are??? hmmm. i don't know then again i am not a shrink. i just think something like if you are always quiet you probably always will be. or if you have always had a short fuse that wont go away. i hope your friend is really changing and not just learning to bury it.
sunrae Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 i respect your opinion sunrae, that's cool. i do think it's possible, i just have not seen it really. they do have to want too change, i agree. but by far and large im not so sure the core person inside /or their psychology really changes, unless possibly faced with something very traumatic or life altering. like surviving armageddon, or perhaps over a long period of time consciously working on their behavior. sure people learn to put the seat down, stop smoking or learn to become more polite in public, but really changing who they are??? hmmm. i don't know then again i am not a shrink. i just think something like if you are always quiet you probably always will be. or if you have always had a short fuse that wont go away. i hope your friend is really changing and not just learning to bury it. I totally get it... The short fuse thing, totally relates to my friends husband. He has a super quick fuse, and his temper explodes (not physically towards her) but throws things ect, which still isnt good. He's going to try to learn different ways to handle things. I dont think his temper will go away, but he wants to change how he deals with his temper. I guess thats what I was trying to say.... Even if a person does change, will it still be the same person we fell in love with in the beginning... Maybe they wont be so appealing anymore.
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