so gutted Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 We met on saturday after a week of a lot of calling and texting. We had dinner etc and we talked for hours. We spent the night talkingand cuddling up and i left the next day. We exchanged texts for a while later on. He then told me about his mate passing away and how it made him feel funny and angry. I have checked his facebook (I am not on it but it is open) and he hasnt been on there for 3 days. He left a few messages on there about how hard it is to lose someone. I also looked back and about 6 months ago he also lost his mum. He has not spoken to me since saturday evening. I am really hurt that he has let me down like this. I think he only told me about his mate dying because he wanted to use it as an excuse to dump me nicely. I am hurting so bad. Its depressing that on valentines day he did not return my happy valentines day text. Do I assume he is grieving or plain uninterested?
OnlyJake Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 ....you've only been talking for a week, and only been on one date...and his friend died, what do you expect from him? Second, you said that you texted back and forth on Sunday after spending the night together Saturday...so it's been one whole day that you haven't heard from him? I think your expectations are unreasonable. I also think you might want to think about how invested you are, so early on, to be "hurting so bad" and to find this depressing. And I mean this in the nicest possible way, and with all due respect, but not everything is about you. It's a little twist, IMO, that you would take someone else's loss and make it a personal slight against you.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 ....you've only been talking for a week, and only been on one date...and his friend died, what do you expect from him? Second, you said that you texted back and forth on Sunday after spending the night together Saturday...so it's been one whole day that you haven't heard from him? I think your expectations are unreasonable. I also think you might want to think about how invested you are, so early on, to be "hurting so bad" and to find this depressing. And I mean this in the nicest possible way, and with all due respect, but not everything is about you. It's a little twist, IMO, that you would take someone else's loss and make it a personal slight against you. +1,000 "he" let "you" down????
wizer Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Do I assume he is grieving or plain uninterested? Don't assume anything. Give him a chance to get back to you. And when he does, show him that you are concerned for him and his loss...even if you're really only concerned about whether or not he's into you.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 OP is playing with us! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221555/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200698/
wizer Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 OP is playing with us! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221555/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200698/ One of those threads is a duplicate of this one, the other is about another guy who she was in contact with 5 months ago. Not sure where you get "OP is playing with us". I get that you're wrong.
anne1707 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 One of those threads is a duplicate of this one, the other is about another guy who she was in contact with 5 months ago. Not sure where you get "OP is playing with us". I get that you're wrong. But the thread 5 months ago has a very similar feel to it
wizer Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 But the thread 5 months ago has a very similar feel to it Yeah they have two things in common 1- a guy 2- someone died It happens
anne1707 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 True but in each case the OP seems to find to difficult to understand that the man is grieving and has more important things to consider than texting someone they have not even met yet/met only once Also seems like such a coincidence that this keeps happening to her
wizer Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 True but in each case the OP seems to find to difficult to understand that the man is grieving and has more important things to consider than texting someone they have not even met yet/met only once That's not a coincidence, that's a self centered individual who doesn't have a lot of sensitivity towards others. Anytime she's in, or starting a relationship with a guy, if he has some sort of personal crisis she'll be back on her posting about whether or not he's into her. Throw in the fact that people die from time to time, and well this one's about as predictable as snow during the winter in the NorthEast US. We've got another six inches on the way tonight.
Kamille Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 (edited) I think the OP has self-sabotaging thought patterns when she gets interested in a guy. She'll allow herself to act irrationally (like looking up a guy's Facebook up to six months back). Had I had a great date with a guy who then didn't return the call, I would put it in the 'ah well' pile. Instead, OP seem to go into some anxiety-filled space. I'm the one who pointed out on her other thread that she seems to keep running into the same kind of scenarios. What I meant is that she doesn't seem to be learning how to cope with the hit-and-miss aspect of the dating world. I don't think she is playing. I think she gets invested way too fast in guys she hardly knows. Edited February 15, 2010 by Kamille
wizer Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 What I meant is that she doesn't seem to be learning how to cope with the hit-and-miss aspect of the dating world. That's part of the problem, but I think the bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to care at all about what the other person is going through. Eventually the guy is going to figure that out..because if they get involved, anytime he's got something going on she'll be like "It's ME ISN'T IT?!"
sid3 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 After only talking for one week and meeting once, there seems to be something that screams emotionally unhealthy when she states she is hurting so bad because he hasn't contacted her yet.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 ....you've only been talking for a week, and only been on one date...and his friend died, what do you expect from him? Second, you said that you texted back and forth on sunday after spending the night together saturday...so it's been one whole day that you haven't heard from him? I think your expectations are unreasonable. I also think you might want to think about how invested you are, so early on, to be "hurting so bad" and to find this depressing. And i mean this in the nicest possible way, and with all due respect, but not everything is about you. It's a little twist, imo, that you would take someone else's loss and make it a personal slight against you. +100000000.
Author so gutted Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I think you may have HIM wrong. I texted him last night to offer my wishes etc. He texted back and siad that he was thinking about his friend. I then checked his fb and he is attending a club on the day of the funeral. Grieving hard then? I think he is not interested and the "grief" is a cover up. Ok I am selfish - I want him to like me - isnt this what all women go through? and checking facebook thats all due diligence - for any woman. I am really down that he can go clubbing at a time like this. He has not contacted me - here I am waiting like a fool. No - I have not learnt a bl--dy thing.Stupidd stupiddd me.KICKS HERSELF HARD.I today had a bad go at someone at work, I have turned irrational and moody....all because a man I knew a week rejected me. The grief maybe raw but he could have shared it.
Kamille Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Wow! It sounds lie you are letting your quest for love get the best of you. I would never let the opinion of a guy I hardly knew affect my mood at work - or my relationship with my co-workers. You do realize that's going over-board right?
sfsassy Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I think you may have HIM wrong. I texted him last night to offer my wishes etc. He texted back and siad that he was thinking about his friend. I then checked his fb and he is attending a club on the day of the funeral. Grieving hard then? I think he is not interested and the "grief" is a cover up. Ok I am selfish - I want him to like me - isnt this what all women go through? and checking facebook thats all due diligence - for any woman. I am really down that he can go clubbing at a time like this. He has not contacted me - here I am waiting like a fool. No - I have not learnt a bl--dy thing.Stupidd stupiddd me.KICKS HERSELF HARD.I today had a bad go at someone at work, I have turned irrational and moody....all because a man I knew a week rejected me. The grief maybe raw but he could have shared it. How the guy deals with grief is really not your business, he might need to let off steam. I'm not the club type but I like to dance and drink when depressed. Maybe it was his friend's favorite club. Who knows but you don't have to be curled up in a ball to be "appropiately" grieving. Maybe he doesn't want to be that vulnerable after knowing you that short of time. My grandpa died the day of my first date with my ex. (in fact got the call on the date. I had warned him and had asked my parents if I should reschedule the date. ) Anyway he expressed his condolescences and wanted to know if I wanted to discuss it with him, but I didn't want to pour out my feelings to someone I just met, and I'm a girl! I bet it is even more for guys! And yes it is irrational for this to be affecting you at work. Even if he is just avoiding you, so what. I had great email for a week with this guy, we met Friday. Was fun, but he obviously isn't into me. Oh well.
wizer Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) I think you may have HIM wrong. I texted him last night to offer my wishes etc. He texted back and siad that he was thinking about his friend. I then checked his fb and he is attending a club on the day of the funeral. Grieving hard then? I think he is not interested and the "grief" is a cover up. Ok I am selfish - I want him to like me so gutted It's been a week that you've known this guy, you met him once. You're already looking for the reasons he is doing what he's doing, analyzing his behavior, checked up on him, trying to catch him in a lie. All because he didn't get back to you within 2 days of your first date. Your behavior is obsessive to say the least. At worst...it's stalkerish. Seriously you gotta get a grip. Edited February 17, 2010 by wizer
Author so gutted Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 It isnt stalkerish because he has no idea I am doing this or writing this. I am checking his facebook because he has no privacy settings. Its a good way of knowing his thoughts. It seems he is very openly down about it all. What I want to know is (from you) should I offer any words (however false they may sound) - its what you would so for a friend or new colleague...or should I stay silent?
Author so gutted Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Should I make contact on after or before the funeral (by text)?
Kamille Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 The stalkee doesn't have to know in order for the behaviour to be stalking. It took us weeks before bf and I added each other on FB and it never even crossed my mind to check his past FB posts. I sometimes look at his page (when I miss him because he's in paper-writing mode) but mostly, I'm satisfied with the regular status updates. Perhaps if you didn't allow yourself to indulge in such behaviour, you also wouldn't feed into your propensity to over-analyze and therefore you wouldn't be so anxiety-driven after just one date. Remember, the key to happy successful dating is to focus on keeping your balance. As to whether or not you should send him a text, that really is up to you. A friend died. It's not a game. If you write to him to send him your condolences, do it out of the goodness of your heart, not in hopes of getting some kind of "return" from him (or in hopes of sparking his interest). This isn't the time for that.
caramel c Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 We met on saturday after a week of a lot of calling and texting. We had dinner etc and we talked for hours. We spent the night talkingand cuddling up and i left the next day. We exchanged texts for a while later on. He then told me about his mate passing away and how it made him feel funny and angry. I have checked his facebook (I am not on it but it is open) and he hasnt been on there for 3 days. He left a few messages on there about how hard it is to lose someone. I also looked back and about 6 months ago he also lost his mum. He has not spoken to me since saturday evening. I am really hurt that he has let me down like this. I think he only told me about his mate dying because he wanted to use it as an excuse to dump me nicely. I am hurting so bad. Its depressing that on valentines day he did not return my happy valentines day text. Do I assume he is grieving or plain uninterested? I would assume both. But, I would not take it personally. Go on with your fabulous self. There are other fish in the sea.
TaurusTerp Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Can you say with perfect honesty that you've never ignored a guy's calls/texts because you weren't interested, and were too cowardly to say it to his face? If not, you have no business getting up in arms, IMO.
wizer Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 It isnt stalkerish because he has no idea I am doing this or writing this. I am checking his facebook because he has no privacy settings. So if a guy hangs out in the street below a woman's window and checks her out with binoculars, it's not stalking because she doesn't know? Interesting.
Author so gutted Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 OK I need some help. I am not taking rejection very well. I have tried to stop looking at his FB profile but keep going back to it. I think the grieving was a convienient excuse - his mate died before he met me. It looks like he is attending parties etc. He has not contacted me at all, but when I did offer my condolences he said I appreciate you so much for understanding... This indicated to me that I was still under consideration. I feel pathetic - he has used me. I feel like he should be held accountable.I am thinking about texting him and asking him what the f he is playing at. I know this is a bad idea but he has explaining to do.
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