USMCHokie Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 It's been almost 6 months since the breakup, most of which was NC. I've finally identified the problems and issues in the relationship and accept why it didn't work out. However, I believe that we never fully get over someone until we find someone new to fill that place in our mind. I feel like the only reason I still think about my ex is because there's no one else to fill that void in my mind, so I'm "stuck" with thinking about her. At this point, I would love to go out, meet new women, and start dating again. I want to remove the old and fill that space with someone new. The problem is that as much as I want to date, I don't feel like I'm quite ready because I'm not completely over my ex...but I can't get over her until I find someone else...but how do you find someone else if you don't want to date...? So now I find myself in an infinite loop with no way out...and it's driving me nuts...
EricaH329 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 You and I talked about this briefly last night. I do want to throw my 2 cents in. I do believe that you don't fully get over your ex until you have met someone better for you. However, I think there's more to it than that. Not being ready to date is fine. You can't force that sort of thing. I believe, that once you get to a certain point in the healing stage, it's alright to date. But only if you are happy with yourself. Once you feel that you've worked on what needs to be worked on. Only then can you have a healthy relationship with someone else. But before that, you must accept that it is over between you and your ex (which i'm sure you have), but you have to honestly believe it. Absolutely 0% chance of hope. And once you meet someone worthy of being in a relationship with you, your ex won't even be of a concern anymore.
pgummins Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I disagree with the theory. Surely you can be happy on you're own, and get over her without the need for anyone else?
Author USMCHokie Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 You and I talked about this briefly last night. I do want to throw my 2 cents in. I do believe that you don't fully get over your ex until you have met someone better for you. However, I think there's more to it than that. Not being ready to date is fine. You can't force that sort of thing. I believe, that once you get to a certain point in the healing stage, it's alright to date. But only if you are happy with yourself. Once you feel that you've worked on what needs to be worked on. Only then can you have a healthy relationship with someone else. But before that, you must accept that it is over between you and your ex (which i'm sure you have), but you have to honestly believe it. Absolutely 0% chance of hope. And once you meet someone worthy of being in a relationship with you, your ex won't even be of a concern anymore. Well, I don't necessarily agree with the absolute 0% of hope...I don't think we ever reach that point...maybe 99.9993%, but when they were such a big part of our life, I don't think it ever reaches that magic 100%... But after thinking about it somemore and reading your post, I don't know whether it's actually being over my ex or my natural "fear" of dating that is keeping me away...maybe I'm just using my ex as an excuse to avoid dating...because I was never actually successful...and this seems like a safe and convenient reason for me not to say hi..or ask for a phone number... It's like the old pre-LS me is coming back...
Author USMCHokie Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I disagree with the theory. Surely you can be happy on you're own, and get over her without the need for anyone else? It's not necessarily about happiness...because I'm doing alright on my own...I just want to close this chapter in my life and start a new one without thoughts of her...even if there's no one to replace her...
EricaH329 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Well, I don't necessarily agree with the absolute 0% of hope...I don't think we ever reach that point...maybe 99.9993%, but when they were such a big part of our life, I don't think it ever reaches that magic 100%... But after thinking about it somemore and reading your post, I don't know whether it's actually being over my ex or my natural "fear" of dating that is keeping me away...maybe I'm just using my ex as an excuse to avoid dating...because I was never actually successful...and this seems like a safe and convenient reason for me not to say hi..or ask for a phone number... It's like the old pre-LS me is coming back... Maybe that's something you need to try and figure out? I believe that not being 'ready' to date means that there is something within yourself that has not yet been resolved. This, for example, being one of them.
sedgwick Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 You don't have to be ready to date in order to go out and meet new people. Just make yourself TALK to women. Even if all you feel like saying is "hello," and you can say it with a smile, that's a start. It will be good for you to get a "hello" and smile in return, and you don't have to go any further than that. Don't put pressure on yourself to find the perfect woman right away. Just go out and talk to some and think of it as practice!
Author USMCHokie Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 You don't have to be ready to date in order to go out and meet new people. Just make yourself TALK to women. Even if all you feel like saying is "hello," and you can say it with a smile, that's a start. It will be good for you to get a "hello" and smile in return, and you don't have to go any further than that. Don't put pressure on yourself to find the perfect woman right away. Just go out and talk to some and think of it as practice! I agree, and I have met lots of people in the past couple months...unfortunately they are all about 1000 miles away in Florida...but I don't have much of a problem talking to women...saying hello, smiling, making some small talk, laughing a little...it's not really a social awkwardness I have...but more of a "bleh" feeling...? I don't know any other way to explain or describe it...
HeavenOrHell Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I don't think there is necessarily going to be someone better for us than our ex was, personally that would be asking a bit much, no my ex wasn't perfect, but was perfect for me. You and I talked about this briefly last night. I do want to throw my 2 cents in. I do believe that you don't fully get over your ex until you have met someone better for you. However, I think there's more to it than that. Not being ready to date is fine. You can't force that sort of thing. I believe, that once you get to a certain point in the healing stage, it's alright to date. But only if you are happy with yourself. Once you feel that you've worked on what needs to be worked on. Only then can you have a healthy relationship with someone else. But before that, you must accept that it is over between you and your ex (which i'm sure you have), but you have to honestly believe it. Absolutely 0% chance of hope. And once you meet someone worthy of being in a relationship with you, your ex won't even be of a concern anymore.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Maybe that's something you need to try and figure out? I believe that not being 'ready' to date means that there is something within yourself that has not yet been resolved. This, for example, being one of them. Maybe...but having finally been in a relationship after so many years of singledom, I thought I was actually a dateable guy...and that may have created an expectation that I could actually find someone...remember our conversation last night about "no expectations, no disappointments"...? It's just that frustration and disappointment coming back again...grrr...
HeavenOrHell Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I feel that no matter how hard I work on myself etc etc that I won't be completely happy until I am in a loving relationship again, I don't think that is a fault though, I think it is human nature to want to be with someone, we are social animals after all
Author USMCHokie Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I think it's fine to go out and date again when your ex stops dominating your thoughts and you stop constantly feeling sad over it. She still lingers in my thoughts...a lot...but I'm not sad over it anymore...just a little annoyed and ready to move on... I have a friend who was very much in love with a guy she dated in college. They were together for three years before she was abruptly dumped for someone else. The dump was years ago, but she told me she wasn't *completely* over it until she met a guy a few months ago who was totally right for her. Now, they're planning to get engaged. Yea...I guess it's just a matter of being patient until that moment...but I know it'll happen one day...hopefully... So yeah, while you may not completely be over how much the experience hurt, don't think it will totally cripple you from finding another person. Getting dumped is very similar to losing someone close to you by way of death. Eventually, people who lose loved ones in this manner find ways to be happy with their lives, even though the pain of that loss never disappears totally. So, too, will you. Agreed. And time has done me right in healing after the breakup. Yes, there's certainly still a little pain lingering, but it's so much better than it was, and I feel a lot better than before. Life is pretty good now...and honestly, it's a lot better than it would have been if I was still with my ex...I truly feel that it was a breakup due to circumstance...and I'm glad it happened...just wish I didn't have to lose her in the process... Finally - you're a Marine, right? You're probably a good-looking guy. Have some confidence and just start asking girls out if you like them. I'm a scrawny fella, nowhere close to the average Marine in the looks department, and after I got dumped, I had to really learn how to approach girls again. I was surprised how receptive a lot of them were! Hahah, yea, I'm a Marine...but being a Marine has nothing to do with being good looking...heheh...I'm relatively average...but you're right...things won't ever change if I'm not willing to change...
EricaH329 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I don't think there is necessarily going to be someone better for us than our ex was, personally that would be asking a bit much, no my ex wasn't perfect, but was perfect for me. You are misunderstanding what I meant. When I say 'better', I mean better for you. Meaning... after having gone through what you went through with your ex, you learn what you want and don't want out of a relationship. Your next relationship is bound to be better than your last, and if it's not... then all you are doing is either back-peddling or not realizing the full, current, potential you have for relationships. I know that when I think back to all of the previous relationships i've had, they've always gotten better.
cdt76 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I agree with the OP. I'm going through the same exact DANG thing! I don't think that I'll ever be totally happy alone....I don't think any of us are. I think with a special someone we reach a level of happiness unobtainable by ourselves. That's the way our hearts and souls work. We are not solitary creatures by nature. Now am I where I was before I met her? No. I'm not there and I don't think the OP is either and therefore he is going through a period of doubt. I'm right there with you. How do we find the one that will heal us and take us to that next level? I don't know. I'm beginning to think that I won't heal, that my true love of my life has come and gone. That's why not having a crystal ball sucks!
skydiveaddict Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 So now I find myself in an infinite loop with no way out...and it's driving me nuts... Me too. If you find a solution let me know
alphamale Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 but how do you find someone else if you don't want to date...? you get out of the house and go meet new chicks. don't live in the past man. there is a sea of women out there waiting for some good lovin'
skydiveaddict Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 you get out of the house and go meet new chicks. don't live in the past man. there is a sea of women out there waiting for some good lovin' I know you were talking to Hokie, but I'm in the same boat. The thing is, I have gone out, met new chicks, but "she" won't leave mind, no matter what. I guess we're all wired differentliy.
alphamale Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I know you were talking to Hokie, but I'm in the same boat. The thing is, I have gone out, met new chicks, but "she" won't leave mind, no matter what. I guess we're all wired differentliy. dude, chicks are like gasoline pumps....just because one has run dry there are thousands more in the city that will give you gas
skydiveaddict Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 dude, chicks are like gasoline pumps....just because one has run dry there are thousands more in the city that will give you gas I know you're right, but the feelings I have for her just won't leave. I just cant get interested in anyone else. I'm afraid I'm descending into "Beta-male" hell.
EricaH329 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Kelvin, I need to talk to you! Where are you?
Author USMCHokie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 you get out of the house and go meet new chicks. don't live in the past man. there is a sea of women out there waiting for some good lovin' I know what you're saying...and I completely agree...I want to leave the past in the past...and I don't want to use my ex as an excuse anymore...sometimes I wonder if it's even the reason why I don't get out and date anymore...I feel like I'm losing the confidence that I once had during the relationship...as each day goes on, I feel less and less dateable...so I lose interest in it altogether...
alphamale Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I know what you're saying...and I completely agree...I want to leave the past in the past...and I don't want to use my ex as an excuse anymore...sometimes I wonder if it's even the reason why I don't get out and date anymore...I feel like I'm losing the confidence that I once had during the relationship...as each day goes on, I feel less and less dateable...so I lose interest in it altogether... wallowing in a cesspool of past emotions is not the way to go here...think ahead, move forward. disregard what your brain says. get outta the house man!!!
Author USMCHokie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 wallowing in a cesspool of past emotions is not the way to go here...think ahead, move forward. disregard what your brain says. get outta the house man!!! Yea...you're right...I think I just need a quick pick me up...perhaps I can start a rate-my-looks thread about how I want to become a male escort and take advantage of that hour or two window of time to rack up as many comments as possible before the mods take it down...that's assuming that I'd at least get some sunshine blown so far up my ass that I can open my mouth and use it as a flashlight...
skydiveaddict Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Yea...you're right...I think I just need a quick pick me up...perhaps I can start a rate-my-looks thread about how I want to become a male escort and take advantage of that hour or two window of time to rack up as many comments as possible before the mods take it down...that's assuming that I'd at least get some sunshine blown so far up my ass that I can open my mouth and use it as a flashlight... LOL you better look that up in the MCJ before you decide to become an escort.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 LOL you better look that up in the MCJ before you decide to become an escort. Damn...I knew I was forgetting something...
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