The '180' - Thanks! I think it's working!

[aimchase]

After being messed around for the best part of seven months I took the 180 on board and implemented it from the weekend.

 

I have to say it's fantastic for a number of reasons. It flows better to start with the ex, so i'll briefly explain.

 

I had the children over the weekend. One of the kids had a cold though and wasn't too well, so I text the ex to inform her of this (otherwise I wouldn't have contacted her). She had gone away for the weekend but I commented that it would be useful to take them back on the Sunday evening so my daughter could get rested properly. If I take them back on Monday morning, I have to get the children up very early as I have to go to work.

 

The ex agreed to get back and advised that she'd call when she was ready. She never did call. I wasn't going to chase her though, as I would have done in previous months, so I just thought 'your decision' and stuck to taking them back Monday morning.

 

Upon arriving at the ex's house this morning with the children, the ex had the puppy dog eye look with concern all over her face. She asked if I was ok, and asked if i'd like to stop for a cup of coffee. I immediately said 'no', I had to go.

 

Later in the day she contacted me about seeing the children next weekend, and made claim to an 'arrangement' which was never agreed at all. I said that this was not the case and I already had plans with the children that I couldn't cancel. She then got irritable and said I was being deliberately difficult, to which I just responded, 'ok, i'm going to go now'. She quickly hung up as soon as I said that. I'm sure it's her way of trying to exercise some control as every time I have said that, she quickly looks to hang up.

 

I then got a text message from her saying that she was 'fed up of my attitude of late'. There is no attitude, i'm keeping it down the line, short, and only communicating when needs be. Clearly this is frustrating her though. She then said she had 'gone to see her solicitor' - something she'd typically say in this situation.

 

So in respect of how it's affecting the wife, it's actually really annoying her, which I hope you will all think is a good thing?

 

In respect of myself, I feel a much better person. I've read so much advice on here and it's been an absolute gold mine. I don't feel 'what did I do wrong/how could I make it better' anymore. I think, 'i'm a bloody good person who demonstrated love, patience and care'. I think, 'i'm too good for you, you'll just sink every person that you ever get together with, I don't need that anymore'. I'm thinking 'I want someone to love who loves me back, and expresses that care for me, rather than just being the needy one with issues'. I'm thinking 'I want someone I can trust, not just to go back to you for the sake of our children, when I KNOW you will be parting your cyber legs for most the day whilst i'm working'.

 

Don't get me wrong, i'm still thinking of our situation frequently and have a great amount of feelings for her. But now, I feel that i'm starting to look after myself. I feel in control again, and it feels GREAT that she doesn't like it after such a short time.

 

Who knows what lies ahead, both in terms of what I do, and how she responds. The one thing I do know though is that i'm streets ahead of where I was last week and that, is because of the fantastic advice on here. Thank you! It's early days, but I know i've started my walk on the right path.

 

Aim

[jesslindy]

Good Job Aim. I remember the first day I "woke up" and started that as well. God, it felt great. Long road ahead, but, you will make it if you stick to your guns. I am proud of you. Get busy livin'. You rock.

[aimchase]

Thanks Jess.

 

You know I, sound a bit of a kid when I say this but i've always been a fan of the 'Rocky' movies. In the last film, 'Rocky Balboa', is that quote which tends to be the theme of the whole story:

 

'Life's not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward'.

 

I find that a very valuable philosophy and see that it applies so much to people in our situation.

[Steadfast]

What is frustrating your wife is the realization that she's losing her control over you. Just know this; she'll be fairly determined to get it back, somehow, but not for the reasons you necessarily think.

 

In many cases, an ex's low opinion of their former partner justifies their thinking and decision making process. A normal action by them brings the expected (or predictable) reaction by you. Same old same old. But the greatest gift of the '180' isn't what it does towards your former partner, but the growth and understanding you gain from the inside out. This in turn brings healing which allows confidence and strength to come back into your life. The ex does not want that...that's attractive, and she does not want to be attracted to you. That's messes everything up! So, to nudge things back she'll try anger, accusations, even threats to get that all important response from you. When in return all she sees is kindness and composure she'll feel her walls of resistance crumble. Many avenues will open.

 

It's a great example for your children too. Strength and kindness prove that you really do love them, and they'll respect you more for it.

 

Whoever said 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' was a very wise person. And whether your ex and you reunite or not, gaining back her respect (after of course, you regain it for yourself) will reap rewards. Just make sure its genuine and not an act. That'll backfire badly. I know-

[aimchase]

Thanks Stead, it really helps to have the input from the likes of yourself to gain an outside perspective of what is happening.

 

From today i'd say the realisation is kicking in. Boy, is she p****d off!

 

Firstly, she called me at work this morning and started by saying that our daughter was unwell. She had also been ill round mine so I expressed my care and love for her (daughter). The ex then was seemingly in good spirits and was playing with our son, with me overhearing. She was typically using the lingo that we used as a family to interact with him, which was kind of nice but maybe an underlying motive, I don't know. Then she raised the issue with lawyers and was a lot more receptive than the previous day. She remarked that there was needless animosity yesterday, to which I responded that there was never animosity from me, I just wanted to sort the situation out and put it behind us.

 

She agreed to the plans I had set with the children, to which I thanked her and closed the conversation. About half hour later she called again, to which I decided not to answer. She left a voicemail though saying she needed to speak to me about something else. I didn't call her back, but she called approx a further half hour later, to which I answered. She explained that our eldest had Physical Training sessions as his local nursery and that he needed some sport clothes for this. I could have been difficult as I pay the ex a monthly lump sum anyway for the children, but said i'd look into what I could find. Again, I closed the call, but found it a slightly 'excused' reason to call me.

 

Nothing for the rest of the day, until coming hom from work, to which she messaged my cell phone saying that she was ill. She most probably is unwell as the children have been, but I didn't want to be pulled in by it.

 

I didn't respond to her message for a couple of hours, then decided to be courteous but at the same time make my position clear. I therefore just replied, 'sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon'. A couple of weeks ago i'd have been expressing concern and would have offered to help out in anyway possible. She knows that too, so this is a big change.

 

The immediate response was clearly one of annoyance. She messaged back, remarking that I hadn't even offered to help out, that she was really unwell, and sarcastically thanked me for wishing her to get well. I didn't reply and have not been in communication since.

 

A small part of me feels a bit heartless for saying what I did, but the stronger part of me thinks, 'hang on, you don't care one little bit until you need something'. I will not be her safety net anymore, i'm firmly putting that behind me.

 

I would hope that the overall message is now becoming apparent. You're right, I think she'll most likely try all sorts of little reasons to grab my attention, but the first stage is complete. Now I intend to keep it going and look after myself.

 

Thanks again for the support, it really does give me an inner strength to work this through.

Edited February 16, 2010 by aimchase

[tnttim]

The NC of the 180 is very powerful stuff. Your wife has seemingly lost control over you. Watch out because the claws will be coming out soon, she will turn out right nasty to you. Just try to take in stride because it's just a power play on her end. She like a neglected 4 year old, just wants some attention, and like a child she will resort to pissing you off to get that attention.

The next step after that will be the loving, possibly using sex, to get your attention. Don't fold.

[mem11363]

Aim,

Your execution of this is excellent. This is somewhat subjective but what I really like about your approach is that you are very reserved without being utterly heartless. So if you totally ignored her not feeling well - that makes you a jerk. But if you simply choose not to rescue her - that just makes you an ex who has some boundaries. As for HER - agreeing to a Sunday night and then not following through is very disrespectful to you and NOT considerate of your child who was not feeling well. So you are treating your wife about the same as your wife was treating your child. This does not reflect badly on you but it sure does on her. She sounds inconsiderate AND needy - scary combo.

 

She will continue to attempt to get some response from you that shows you are still emotionally committed to her. And if you keep doing this stuff it will drive her mad - her fault not yours.

 

Now to the core of this. Most women are nice IF they respect you. Just realize that in your next relationship this calm, reserved posture is very helpful when the other person starts to be selfish/bittchy/etc. If you don't use this incrementally when needed you will find most women will push boundaries in a way that is bad for both you and them.

 

I use a "lite" version of this in my marriage on an as needed basis. Works like a charm.

 

 

 

Thanks Stead, it really helps to have the input from the likes of yourself to gain an outside perspective of what is happening.

 

From today i'd say the realisation is kicking in. Boy, is she p****d off!

 

Firstly, she called me at work this morning and started by saying that our daughter was unwell. She had also been ill round mine so I expressed my care and love for her (daughter). The ex then was seemingly in good spirits and was playing with our son, with me overhearing. She was typically using the lingo that we used as a family to interact with him, which was kind of nice but maybe an underlying motive, I don't know. Then she raised the issue with lawyers and was a lot more receptive than the previous day. She remarked that there was needless animosity yesterday, to which I responded that there was never animosity from me, I just wanted to sort the situation out and put it behind us.

 

She agreed to the plans I had set with the children, to which I thanked her and closed the conversation. About half hour later she called again, to which I decided not to answer. She left a voicemail though saying she needed to speak to me about something else. I didn't call her back, but she called approx a further half hour later, to which I answered. She explained that our eldest had Physical Training sessions as his local nursery and that he needed some sport clothes for this. I could have been difficult as I pay the ex a monthly lump sum anyway for the children, but said i'd look into what I could find. Again, I closed the call, but found it a slightly 'excused' reason to call me.

 

Nothing for the rest of the day, until coming hom from work, to which she messaged my cell phone saying that she was ill. She most probably is unwell as the children have been, but I didn't want to be pulled in by it.

 

I didn't respond to her message for a couple of hours, then decided to be courteous but at the same time make my position clear. I therefore just replied, 'sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon'. A couple of weeks ago i'd have been expressing concern and would have offered to help out in anyway possible. She knows that too, so this is a big change.

 

The immediate response was clearly one of annoyance. She messaged back, remarking that I hadn't even offered to help out, that she was really unwell, and sarcastically thanked me for wishing her to get well. I didn't reply and have not been in communication since.

 

A small part of me feels a bit heartless for saying what I did, but the stronger part of me thinks, 'hang on, you don't care one little bit until you need something'. I will not be her safety net anymore, i'm firmly putting that behind me.

 

I would hope that the overall message is now becoming apparent. You're right, I think she'll most likely try all sorts of little reasons to grab my attention, but the first stage is complete. Now I intend to keep it going and look after myself.

 

Thanks again for the support, it really does give me an inner strength to work this through.

[aimchase]

I appreciate your comments mem and tn,

 

Oh yes, she is certainly inconsiderate and needy at the moment. She's always been needy to be honest, it's inherent in her. But the inconsiderate behaviour has been during the months to when we split up, and following that split.

 

I really thought she was going to call me today and ask why I was being 'off' with her. That still might happen and in such a situation, i'm not sure what to say. I can't make it critical, but nor do I want to make a bold statement with something like 'i'm moving on', as it looks like i'm trying to make a point. I just want to dismiss it and make it appear a very natural and peaceful process. Perhaps someone can advise the best response if (but more likely when) that situation arises.

 

As it happened, I received one mesage on cell phone which was a bit needless in it's content but was clearly intending to convey a message of going 'back to business', unmoved, and being undeterred by the exchange on the previous day. Again, I responded by politely agreeing and then commented that I hoped she was feeling better. NC since.

 

Anyway, i'm not going to give a daily update on this as it would bore the tears off people, but thanks for the support and guidance.

[mem11363]

Aim,

With my wife - who has earned it - the burden is on me and so I would not do this to her. But with a selfish, needy person there is a simple tactic that is fair and clean and simple.

 

When she asks "what is going on" the answer is always:

 

"What is it you expected to happen" or if a specific event

"What is it you expected me to do"

 

And then if she shares her expectations and they are unreasonable or ill defined - just be silent. A long silence is very effective when someone is asking for stuff they would never give themselves.....

 

And after the long silence - "I have to go" - this leaves the other feeling silly/foolish and discourages this type of behavior.

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your comments mem and tn,

 

Oh yes, she is certainly inconsiderate and needy at the moment. She's always been needy to be honest, it's inherent in her. But the inconsiderate behaviour has been during the months to when we split up, and following that split.

 

I really thought she was going to call me today and ask why I was being 'off' with her. That still might happen and in such a situation, i'm not sure what to say. I can't make it critical, but nor do I want to make a bold statement with something like 'i'm moving on', as it looks like i'm trying to make a point. I just want to dismiss it and make it appear a very natural and peaceful process. Perhaps someone can advise the best response if (but more likely when) that situation arises.

 

As it happened, I received one mesage on cell phone which was a bit needless in it's content but was clearly intending to convey a message of going 'back to business', unmoved, and being undeterred by the exchange on the previous day. Again, I responded by politely agreeing and then commented that I hoped she was feeling better. NC since.

 

Anyway, i'm not going to give a daily update on this as it would bore the tears off people, but thanks for the support and guidance.

[aimchase]

Aim,

With my wife - who has earned it - the burden is on me and so I would not do this to her. But with a selfish, needy person there is a simple tactic that is fair and clean and simple.

 

When she asks "what is going on" the answer is always:

 

"What is it you expected to happen" or if a specific event

"What is it you expected me to do"

 

And then if she shares her expectations and they are unreasonable or ill defined - just be silent. A long silence is very effective when someone is asking for stuff they would never give themselves.....

 

And after the long silence - "I have to go" - this leaves the other feeling silly/foolish and discourages this type of behavior.

 

Thanks again Mem. It's a good response and one i'll use.

 

I just know she'll accuse me of being difficult, having an attitude etc. But her main firepower will be using the children, so it will be along the lines of 'I was ill and needed help. I couldn't even look after the children, and you weren't even bothered', or something like that.

 

The response in that situation is difficult because I love my children with everything I am and would move heaven and earth for them. How would you respond to that?

 

Aim

[mem11363]

Freely admit that is difficult and yet how about doing this with her?

 

Perhaps you can agree to a 100 percent MUTUAL protocol for handling situations where one or the other of you needs schedule relief. But with someone like her I would be up front and state that for every incident you help her with you will require reciprocity on a one for one basis.

 

That way when she decides she is "sick" she needs to concede to something unusual in the schedule - it will prevent her from being a "sickly" partner.

 

This reduces your relationship in this specific regard to that of a nanny service in terms of how you treat each other. And I think you NEED to do that or she is going to use the kids to jerk you around.

 

And you can even make up little cards - maybe you each get 2 to start - called schedule relief cards. Each good for one day/event.

 

 

Thanks again Mem. It's a good response and one i'll use.

 

I just know she'll accuse me of being difficult, having an attitude etc. But her main firepower will be using the children, so it will be along the lines of 'I was ill and needed help. I couldn't even look after the children, and you weren't even bothered', or something like that.

 

The response in that situation is difficult because I love my children with everything I am and would move heaven and earth for them. How would you respond to that?

 

Aim

[aimchase]

thanks. Oops - and there we go, just got message as I was reading your post saying child is sick again......lol

[Steadfast]

Aim,

 

When she asks "What is going on?" the answer is always:

 

"What is it you expected to happen?"

 

or if a specific event

 

"What is it you expected me to do?"

 

And then if she shares her expectations and they are unreasonable or ill defined - just be silent. A long silence is very effective when someone is asking for stuff they would never give themselves.....

 

And after the long silence - "I have to go" - this leaves the other feeling silly/foolish and discourages this type of behavior.

 

 

Very, very well said. That's how a person demands respect from someone who has none to give. So very often, what we don't say speaks the loudest.

[aimchase]

I'm going to do that, thanks to both of you. I'll let you know the outcome.

 

Just one quick exchange today. She sent a picture of the children together to my phone. I responded by saying it was lovely and was out of area on business. She responded by saying 'good for you'. I assume that was sarcasm, i'm not really sure.

 

Anyway, back to NC although she has made some kind of contact every day this week. I have to see her tomorrow though as i'm planned to pay the children a visit. That might be when the advice above come into play - we'll see.

 

Best wishes

 

Aim

[nicka]

hello,

 

what is 180 ?

 

sounds like it may help me,

 

thanks