Author PKB57 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 [/b] You mention in your first post that you are both in your 40's. Oral contraceptives are probably probably not the safest and wisest choice for a woman than age. Higher chance for strokes, clots, etc. In some women it also lowers the sex drive. I am surprised than her Gynecologist recommends the pill at her age unless there are some underlying bleeding problems or other medical issues. Maybe a good discussion with her physician would help her choose another option than is safer. Lee sex drive Interesting. I don't know of any medical or bleeding issues that would prompt her gyno to recommend the pill. She has been on it before and after our kids were born. I don't want to coax this discussion based on the lower sex drive possibility. Are there reputable published studies regarding the safest choices for birth control for women in their late 40's? I never discussed choice of birth control because I figure she and her gyno would know best. It's not a subject I'm much familiar with. Can anyome provide some leads?
JamesM Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Are there reputable published studies regarding the safest choices for birth control for women in their late 40's? I never discussed choice of birth control because I figure she and her gyno would know best. It's not a subject I'm much familiar with. Can anyone provide some leads? Simple. And I mean this seriously as a guy in his forties....get a vasectomy. Tell her you did it ( or will do it) for her and your marriage. Since you know that you no longer want children and you know that as she gets older, BC pills are not as safe for her health...and you know that a vasectomy is easier for you to get than for her to get a hysterectomy, you are going to get a vasectomy. While I don't know that this would help your sex life, I do know that it would show you care about her health. Yes, I did it six or seven years...wait it was eight...years ago. Did it help my sex life? I think we all know the answer to that , but I didn't really think it would. My wife was on BC briefly after our last child, but it was never intended for a long term solution. We knew one of us would get er done. So I got the short straw.
TinyLee222 Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Interesting. I don't know of any medical or bleeding issues that would prompt her gyno to recommend the pill. She has been on it before and after our kids were born. I don't want to coax this discussion based on the lower sex drive possibility. Are there reputable published studies regarding the safest choices for birth control for women in their late 40's? I never discussed choice of birth control because I figure she and her gyno would know best. It's not a subject I'm much familiar with. Can anyome provide some leads? There are absolutely better choices. The best choice is a vasectomy for the partner,( althought I am sure that most men will disagree) Fast, safe and no general anesthesia. Tubul ligation is another. I had that done when I was 40. It's done lap. and down time is about 1 week but you do have to go under general. IUD's for monogamus couples. My gyno. told me that clots are the number one concern for women in their 40's especially if they smoke and are overweight. A small increase in the incidence for breast cancer also for older woman. Look, I am sure that there are plenty of women in their 40's that take the pill and have no problems if they are thin, non-smokers, low blood pressure no family or history or heart disease, etc. I am sure you can find peer viewed studies at MedScape. Lee
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Simple. And I mean this seriously as a guy in his forties....get a vasectomy. Tell her you did it ( or will do it) for her and your marriage. Since you know that you no longer want children and you know that as she gets older, BC pills are not as safe for her health...and you know that a vasectomy is easier for you to get than for her to get a hysterectomy, you are going to get a vasectomy. While I don't know that this would help your sex life, I do know that it would show you care about her health. Yes, I did it six or seven years...wait it was eight...years ago. Did it help my sex life? I think we all know the answer to that , but I didn't really think it would. My wife was on BC briefly after our last child, but it was never intended for a long term solution. We knew one of us would get er done. So I got the short straw. It was simple (no-scalpel vasectomy). Thinking back, I do remember that she intimated it certainly wouldn't hurt our sex life....
giotto Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I've had it (the vasectomy... ) and it has made no difference whatsoever to our sex life...at least, it stopped us having more babies...
JamesM Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 It was simple (no-scalpel vasectomy). Thinking back, I do remember that she intimated it certainly wouldn't hurt our sex life.... I've had it (the vasectomy... ) and it has made no difference whatsoever to our sex life...at least, it stopped us having more babies... SO three of us in our forties had it done and it made no difference in our sex lives. Actually for me (sorry TDP a brag a minute here ) it DID help ours back then for a few months. But then I didn't do it with the idea that it would help our sex life (as our sex life wasn't that bad back then), but to prevent our sex life from "dying." Wait....guess it didn't help at all. Seriously, a vasectomy would or should be done more for your wife's health and possibly for your sex life. It should not be done simply for your sex life. However, having your wife stay on BC pills for years to come will not work and she should do something different...or you should.
giotto Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 SO three of us in our forties had it done and it made no difference in our sex lives. Actually for me (sorry TDP a brag a minute here ) it DID help ours back then for a few months. But then I didn't do it with the idea that it would help our sex life (as our sex life wasn't that bad back then), but to prevent our sex life from "dying." Wait....guess it didn't help at all. Seriously, a vasectomy would or should be done more for your wife's health and possibly for your sex life. It should not be done simply for your sex life. However, having your wife stay on BC pills for years to come will not work and she should do something different...or you should. yep... we didn't do it for the sex life either... after 4 children, we didn't want anymore, so we evaluated the best options... and the vasectomy was the safest... if the sex life improved, it would have been brilliant... actually, I must say the frequency didn't improve, but being able to have sex without worrying about anything else was (and still is when we have it... well, sore point at the moment) good.
Author PKB57 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 SO three of us in our forties had it done and it made no difference in our sex lives. Actually for me (sorry TDP a brag a minute here ) it DID help ours back then for a few months. But then I didn't do it with the idea that it would help our sex life (as our sex life wasn't that bad back then), but to prevent our sex life from "dying." Wait....guess it didn't help at all. Seriously, a vasectomy would or should be done more for your wife's health and possibly for your sex life. It should not be done simply for your sex life. However, having your wife stay on BC pills for years to come will not work and she should do something different...or you should. Thanks Lee , Todd & James. I never really gave this much thought and it does make lot of sense to me. I am in no way thinking of having any more kids. That factory is closed for me and my wife lol. I'm sure that the health risks are far greater for oral contraceptives vs vasectomy. I'm a bit annoyed that this never occurred to us before and talked about it. We are both very much into living a healthy lifestyle and minimize any kind of medication if we can avoid it. This is one subject we should have discussed when we knew we were not going to have any more kids. Thanks for the wake up call. I will be a little research and talk to my wife.
summerautumn Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 PKB, After reading what you've written, I would like to offer you another perspective that may be helpful to you. You sound like a very attentive husband, but I agree with others that almost as too attentive - you are so in tune with your wife's needs yet your inner being seems to be trying to tell you something with this whole dilemma. Try turning your statement around - my wife doesn't want to have sex with me, to I don't want to have sex with me, and come up with with 3 circumstances in which this may be true. What we see in others or as problems is Always about us. The reason why I am saying that is that I am surprised how on these threads people don't talk about masturbation as a deeply satisfying act of sex with oneself. Now I am not a man so I am not going to talk about male masturbation, I have heard from friends that it is something young guys do much more of, and then it seems to taper off. As a woman, I love m, and find it deeply satisfying, (not to mention that it is the Best cure for cramps), to the point that I don't crave sex when I don't have sex, and I would consider myself sexually satisfied. It has only gotten much better during the years. When I was younger I used to objectify sex, I used to watch porn, and objectified m as well (meaning it was about the object of having an O). I was a lot more particular about having sex because I needed (like women do), to have a emotional and spiritual connection with someone in order to have sex with them and that happened more rarely. So do you or your wife masturbate? Note to Lizzie, I am happy that you found your power, and chose your self over staying in a marriage that was so limiting and painful to you!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 PKB, The reason why I am saying that is that I am surprised how on these threads people don't talk about masturbation as a deeply satisfying act of sex with oneself. Now I am not a man so I am not going to talk about male masturbation, I have heard from friends that it is something young guys do much more of, and then it seems to taper off. As a woman, I love m, and find it deeply satisfying, (not to mention that it is the Best cure for cramps), to the point that I don't crave sex when I don't have sex, and I would consider myself sexually satisfied. It has only gotten much better during the years. When I was younger I used to objectify sex, I used to watch porn, and objectified m as well (meaning it was about the object of having an O). I was a lot more particular about having sex because I needed (like women do), to have a emotional and spiritual connection with someone in order to have sex with them and that happened more rarely. So do you or your wife masturbate? Why and I apologize for being graphic, because like everything else we are trained as males to think of masturbation as something immature and dirty as an adult once in a marriage/relationship. Women on the other hand are keepers of their bodies, are forever marketed to in the X-rated market (vibrators and dildos) as opposed to men who are more marketed to in those cases, as needing a substitute for a girlfriend/wife (blow-up dolls) or for things to enhance stimulation or prolong/stave off orgasm..... Add to that, that men are often visual and will/would use pornography, which means masturbating in front of a computer/tv, vs a woman with a dildo/vibrator/fingers while in bed or having a bubble bath using her imagination, no one thinks a woman is doing something childish or immature. For a male honestly we feel cheap, immature and childish......
summerautumn Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Why and I apologize for being graphic, because like everything else we are trained as males to think of masturbation as something immature and dirty as an adult once in a marriage/relationship. Women on the other hand are keepers of their bodies, are forever marketed to in the X-rated market (vibrators and dildos) as opposed to men who are more marketed to in those cases, as needing a substitute for a girlfriend/wife (blow-up dolls) or for things to enhance stimulation or prolong/stave off orgasm..... Add to that, that men are often visual and will/would use pornography, which means masturbating in front of a computer/tv, vs a woman with a dildo/vibrator/fingers while in bed or having a bubble bath using her imagination, no one thinks a woman is doing something childish or immature. For a male honestly we feel cheap, immature and childish...... Wow, really??? That is surprising to me! Thank you for that insight!!! So men tend to think of masturbation as an immature thing? I guess I didn't fully accept it when I was younger, and definitely agree with you that pornography diminishes it. For me pornography has a compulsive energy about that that I do also think is targeted by marketers to feed a person's fantasies which are many times not about the pure sexual experience but are about power issues, insecurities, and repressed anger. Those are psychological issues that when addressed at the core, stop coming up in the form of fantasies. But you are saying that men actually feel dirty pleasuring themselves?! That's too bad. Apparently women do too, because in a recent conversation some friends of mine also said they don't masturbate, but more so because of old guilt implanted through religion. I didn't have that at all growing up, so after releasing psychological issues, I was left to think of it as purely acceptable and desirable. To it makes total sense to have both sex and m. Thanks again for that insight!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Wow, really??? That is surprising to me! Thank you for that insight!!! So men tend to think of masturbation as an immature thing? I guess I didn't fully accept it when I was younger, and definitely agree with you that pornography diminishes it. For me pornography has a compulsive energy about that that I do also think is targeted by marketers to feed a person's fantasies which are many times not about the pure sexual experience but are about power issues, insecurities, and repressed anger. Those are psychological issues that when addressed at the core, stop coming up in the form of fantasies. But you are saying that men actually feel dirty pleasuring themselves?! That's too bad. Apparently women do too, because in a recent conversation some friends of mine also said they don't masturbate, but more so because of old guilt implanted through religion. I didn't have that at all growing up, so after releasing psychological issues, I was left to think of it as purely acceptable and desirable. To it makes total sense to have both sex and m. Thanks again for that insight! That is the way I think about it, and always think I am 100% right. My wife tells me if I am not having enough sex I should masturbate.... If I told her, sure, I'll fire up the computer and find some pornography to turn me on, I can only imagine her response...... I do it seldom, and certainly don't feel great about it..... But that is MY Hangup......
summerautumn Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 It's great that you think that you are 100% right, and now that you've realized that it is your handicap, do you think you can and would you want to shift that view of masturbation for yourself? Can you imagine how much freedom that can give you? Not to mention enjoyment. I many times have 7-10 orgasms and feel awesome after that. Your wife is certainly giving you the green light, not that you would need to do it for your wife or with her permission. Do it for you. While pornography is not ideal, it is also not evil per se, maybe you can accept it as a stepping stone to learning to visualize on your own.
Author PKB57 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 PKB, After reading what you've written, I would like to offer you another perspective that may be helpful to you. You sound like a very attentive husband, but I agree with others that almost as too attentive - you are so in tune with your wife's needs yet your inner being seems to be trying to tell you something with this whole dilemma. Try turning your statement around - my wife doesn't want to have sex with me, to I don't want to have sex with me, and come up with with 3 circumstances in which this may be true. What we see in others or as problems is Always about us. The reason why I am saying that is that I am surprised how on these threads people don't talk about masturbation as a deeply satisfying act of sex with oneself. Now I am not a man so I am not going to talk about male masturbation, I have heard from friends that it is something young guys do much more of, and then it seems to taper off. As a woman, I love m, and find it deeply satisfying, (not to mention that it is the Best cure for cramps), to the point that I don't crave sex when I don't have sex, and I would consider myself sexually satisfied. It has only gotten much better during the years. When I was younger I used to objectify sex, I used to watch porn, and objectified m as well (meaning it was about the object of having an O). I was a lot more particular about having sex because I needed (like women do), to have a emotional and spiritual connection with someone in order to have sex with them and that happened more rarely. So do you or your wife masturbate? Note to Lizzie, I am happy that you found your power, and chose your self over staying in a marriage that was so limiting and painful to you! I'm not sure I understand your point? First to answer your question about masturbation....YES i absolutely do masturbate DAILY LOL, many time more than once, and yes I have plenty left over for the wife. Like you I'm very surprised about Tood's response who states it does not make him feel good. I never heard that from a guy before. I figure like me all guys love to "work" our abs. I'm in your camp about how satisfying it feels physically and emotionally. I would point out that I don't do it to porn (just sometimes). I rather prefer to think about a person or a sexual fantasy and many times...yes it's my wife in thinking of....like what I'd love to do to her later:D....but not always....sometimes I'm thinking of others....fantasizing is healthy in my opinion. But I don't see how this relates to the issue with my wife's sexual desire? She she also masturbates but I don't know how often....and I'm positive it's not as often as me. LOL Also one side note about male masturbation: I have read very recently on many different occasions that studies show frequent male ejaculation keeps the prostate healthy and reduces the chance of cancer. Well....go figure. Something we like that is actually good for you? I'll take it!
summerautumn Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I'm not sure I understand your point? First to answer your question about masturbation....YES i absolutely do masturbate DAILY LOL, many time more than once, and yes I have plenty left over for the wife. Like you I'm very surprised about Tood's response who states it does not make him feel good. I never heard that from a guy before. I figure like me all guys love to "work" our abs. I'm in your camp about how satisfying it feels physically and emotionally. I would point out that I don't do it to porn (just sometimes). I rather prefer to think about a person or a sexual fantasy and many times...yes it's my wife in thinking of....like what I'd love to do to her later:D....but not always....sometimes I'm thinking of others....fantasizing is healthy in my opinion. But I don't see how this relates to the issue with my wife's sexual desire? She she also masturbates but I don't know how often....and I'm positive it's not as often as me. LOL Also one side note about male masturbation: I have read very recently on many different occasions that studies show frequent male ejaculation keeps the prostate healthy and reduces the chance of cancer. Well....go figure. Something we like that is actually good for you? I'll take it! LOL, All things that we like are good for us! That definitely includes sex. Usually warped thinking and old issues force us to see things through foggy glasses. The point of my original post is to tell You that you have a blind spot. I can't tell you what it is. Well, I can, but only if you are interested in hearing it. We all have blind spots for a reason, and they are blind because we are not prepared yet to see them. I will only say that I intuitively sense some sort of repressed anger in you. Instead of focusing on your wife and her sex drive and what she wants, use this opportunity as a mirror to tell you something about yourself that you are not seeing. You love and married her and had children with her, so I can guarantee you that she is a pretty good mirror for you, so in the case of the issue that you feel you are having, look at that as something about You. Keep shifting your thoughts back to you everytime you think of her. It is not selfish. It will help both of you in the long run. From the way you've described your interactions with her, you are withholding things about this from her, and she is probably sensing them, but for her own reasons she is not bringing it up herself. Take the initiative and know that only you have the answers. We here are only the peanut gallery. And btw, that's great that you masturbate that often, you must have a six pack by now. That frequency is probably the reason why you've been able to just be with your wife in the times there was no sex, so m has definitely helped you so far a lot. Otherwise your brain would have probably short circuited by now.
Author PKB57 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 LOL, All things that we like are good for us! That definitely includes sex. Usually warped thinking and old issues force us to see things through foggy glasses. The point of my original post is to tell You that you have a blind spot. I can't tell you what it is. Well, I can, but only if you are interested in hearing it. We all have blind spots for a reason, and they are blind because we are not prepared yet to see them. I will only say that I intuitively sense some sort of repressed anger in you. Instead of focusing on your wife and her sex drive and what she wants, use this opportunity as a mirror to tell you something about yourself that you are not seeing. You love and married her and had children with her, so I can guarantee you that she is a pretty good mirror for you, so in the case of the issue that you feel you are having, look at that as something about You. Keep shifting your thoughts back to you everytime you think of her. It is not selfish. It will help both of you in the long run. From the way you've described your interactions with her, you are withholding things about this from her, and she is probably sensing them, but for her own reasons she is not bringing it up herself. Take the initiative and know that only you have the answers. We here are only the peanut gallery. And btw, that's great that you masturbate that often, you must have a six pack by now. That frequency is probably the reason why you've been able to just be with your wife in the times there was no sex, so m has definitely helped you so far a lot. Otherwise your brain would have probably short circuited by now. OK, so I'm quite intrigued with your post. Glad we see eye to eye on the masturbation thing.....BUT.....could my frequent masturbation really be the reason why I'm still married to my wife and did not go insane?. Sorry, but I'm gonna disagree big time. Reason why I'm still married is that i really do have a great wife. Is she "perfect"? No. If she were she'd be at it every day LOL. Ok, the whole...anger thing in me?....I'm not sure.....I'm a real mellow kind of guy. So, yes, help me out. What is on your mind that you think I have in my mind? I would like to hear your opinion even if I may not like it. I'll be a sport about it. I promise:D
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I'm not sure I understand your point? First to answer your question about masturbation....YES i absolutely do masturbate DAILY LOL, many time more than once, and yes I have plenty left over for the wife. Like you I'm very surprised about Tood's response who states it does not make him feel good. I never heard that from a guy before. I figure like me all guys love to "work" our abs. I'm in your camp about how satisfying it feels physically and emotionally. I would point out that I don't do it to porn (just sometimes). I rather prefer to think about a person or a sexual fantasy and many times...yes it's my wife in thinking of....like what I'd love to do to her later:D....but not always....sometimes I'm thinking of others....fantasizing is healthy in my opinion. But I don't see how this relates to the issue with my wife's sexual desire? She she also masturbates but I don't know how often....and I'm positive it's not as often as me. LOL Also one side note about male masturbation: I have read very recently on many different occasions that studies show frequent male ejaculation keeps the prostate healthy and reduces the chance of cancer. Well....go figure. Something we like that is actually good for you? I'll take it! My friends and I would never bring it up..... As for at least 1X per day???? I guess I am not producing enough testosterone or something..... To clarify it feels just fine..... But yes I feel like an immature teenager if I do it..... But as I said, that is my hang-up.....
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 The whole ejaculating into a tissue...... Something seems just not right. Of course hearing others and their imaginations (mine obviously sucks:p) and using the showers..... I commend them......
WalkInThePark Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 SO three of us in our forties had it done and it made no difference in our sex lives. My xMM also had it done because they did not want kids anymore. But he also thought it would improve their sex life... It didn't...
mem11363 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 If you guys had to rate sex/masturbation without porn, masturbation with porn on a 1-10 scale for me sex - 10 masturbation without porn - 3 masturbation with porn - 7 My meds have dropped my drive to about equal to my wife's. But before that I mainly used porn. I stopped with the porn 4 or so years ago. It was bad for my head. My preferences were not healthy and they were intensifying. So I am glad to be porn free. I would far prefer to wait a full week and have sex, then go to manual override on day 5 - which means that sex on day 7 will be good but not GOOD. Sex after 7 days is special. Sex after two days is just nice... The whole ejaculating into a tissue...... Something seems just not right. Of course hearing others and their imaginations (mine obviously sucks:p) and using the showers..... I commend them......
JamesM Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 If you guys had to rate sex/masturbation without porn, masturbation with porn on a 1-10 scale for me sex - 10 masturbation without porn - 3 masturbation with porn - 7 10 (depending on how she is) 4 or 5 (depending on how good my mind can fantasize) 6 to 8 (depending on what it is) Porn is like wine. One drink now and then is good for the heart, but anymore than that causes disease. Sex after 7 days is special. Sex after two days is just nice... This is true. My opinion is that sex sooner than seven days consistently makes sex much less special. Having sex less than once ever two or three weeks causes frustration. Others have less tolerance for such abstinence, I am sure.
summerautumn Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 OK, so I'm quite intrigued with your post. Glad we see eye to eye on the masturbation thing.....BUT.....could my frequent masturbation really be the reason why I'm still married to my wife and did not go insane?. Sorry, but I'm gonna disagree big time. Reason why I'm still married is that i really do have a great wife. Is she "perfect"? No. If she were she'd be at it every day LOL. Ok, the whole...anger thing in me?....I'm not sure.....I'm a real mellow kind of guy. So, yes, help me out. What is on your mind that you think I have in my mind? I would like to hear your opinion even if I may not like it. I'll be a sport about it. I promise:D Ok, here it is then. Don't worry about disagreeing with me, if I wanted agreement, I wouldn't be posting on LS. From your dots I can tell that something about what I said rang true to you. A dear friend of mine is dealing with similar repressed anger right now, and maybe that's why I am able to recognize it. From your story and the way you are approaching this, it just seems like you try So hard. Its unnatural in my view. Your wife is rejecting you, and you are continuously focusing on being the best husband you know how to be, while not talking to her fully. What are you afraid about if you do talk to her? You view her as a great wife, and a lamenting a bit she is not the perfect wife - to me that is a limiting view. Are you looking for a Stepford wife? And I'd like to also point out that besides her being a wife and mother, she is also a human being, and it seems that you don't connect with her on a purely human level. The anger I am referring to stems from hurt, the hurt of her rejecting you. You may have repressed it because in the past you made a decision, conscious or unconscious, that anger is a very undesirable emotion, and therefore should be denied. Then anger turns into something else, whatever it is. For my friend, he found that his repressed anger turned into a general depression. Anger as an emotion is an explosive energy, it seems almost uncontrollable at times, so it is easy to see why people feel it is easier to just shelve it. Problem is that it is like a program running in the background, slowing your pc. The way you can possibly see if there is repressed anger in you is to observe if you spot it in others. Do you notice others' angry outbursts, and wonder about them? Do you have a pet peeve that is the One thing that can set you off?
Author PKB57 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Ok, here it is then. Don't worry about disagreeing with me, if I wanted agreement, I wouldn't be posting on LS. From your dots I can tell that something about what I said rang true to you. A dear friend of mine is dealing with similar repressed anger right now, and maybe that's why I am able to recognize it. From your story and the way you are approaching this, it just seems like you try So hard. Its unnatural in my view. Your wife is rejecting you, and you are continuously focusing on being the best husband you know how to be, while not talking to her fully. You view her as a great wife, and a lamenting a bit she is not the perfect wife - to me that is a limiting view. Are you looking for a Stepford wife? And I'd like to also point out that besides her being a wife and mother, she is also a human being, and it seems that you don't connect with her on a purely human level. The anger I am referring to stems from hurt, the hurt of her rejecting you. You may have repressed it because in the past you made a decision, conscious or unconscious, that anger is a very undesirable emotion, and therefore should be denied. Then anger turns into something else, whatever it is. For my friend, he found that his repressed anger turned into a general depression. Anger as an emotion is an explosive energy, it seems almost uncontrollable at times, so it is easy to see why people feel it is easier to just shelve it. Problem is that it is like a program running in the background, slowing your pc. The way you can possibly see if there is repressed anger in you is to observe if you spot it in others. Do you notice others' angry outbursts, and wonder about them? Do you have a pet peeve that is the One thing that can set you off? First let me respond about the anger thing. No I don't have any angry outbursts to wonder about (I'm a very mellow and easy going guy). No I don't have a any pet peeves that drive me nuts about my wife. About the only thing that can get me close to getting really angry are my teen daughters. Yes they can be "drama" queens and they are typical teen girls and test the limits of the boundaries we set as all teens love to do. But even with them, I don't have angry outburst. Reaching the conclusion that I must be angry internally due to her rejection of me is overreaching because I carry no daily resentment toward her. On the contrary, I feel we have a very solid and great marriage with the area of sexual frequency is one that I would like to see improved. It's important to keep in my that even though frequency is at issue, when we do have sex it is a very enjoyable experience for both of us. She does enjoy it very much and I would rather like to see her engage it in more frequently. As for .."lamenting a bit she is not the perfect wife", I sure did not mean to come across as "lamenting" that I did not have a perfect wife. I was simply saying that I consider my wife so well suited for me that IF her libido was the same as mine, then I could say i have nothing that I might desire she change. So if that were the case, could I not then say she would be the perfect wife for me? Just a hypothetical observation and not one that I "lament" not having. As for your question "What are you afraid about if you do talk to her"? Nothing really. I have NOT ruled this out at all. I have stated in this thread that this is something that I would certainly do if I don't find improvement with the situation. I also never ruled out therapy if needed either. I'm just choosing to try to make changes and modification in my overall approach to this issue. I have had some modest success as I posted here and hope that this might the onset of permanent positive changes. I would rather avoid having to tell my wife that I really want her to provide me with more sex because she might likely "agree" to provide more sex only for the sake of giving me more sex when inside she really does not feel for it. I don't want her to "agree" to more sex, rather I would like her to "want" more sex. BIG difference here in my opinion. I have read some very disturbing post regarding this matter (Lizzie comes to mind). I think now I'm even more put off by the thought that my wife might agree to "give" me sex at times when she really does not feel for it. I at least take comfort in knowing that when she is ready for sex, she wants it and enjoys it. I now have to figure out how to get her that way more frequently. I'm working on it and i see a light in the distance.
summerautumn Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 First let me respond about the anger thing. No I don't have any angry outbursts to wonder about (I'm a very mellow and easy going guy). No I don't have a any pet peeves that drive me nuts about my wife. About the only thing that can get me close to getting really angry are my teen daughters. Yes they can be "drama" queens and they are typical teen girls and test the limits of the boundaries we set as all teens love to do. But even with them, I don't have angry outburst. Reaching the conclusion that I must be angry internally due to her rejection of me is overreaching because I carry no daily resentment toward her. On the contrary, I feel we have a very solid and great marriage with the area of sexual frequency is one that I would like to see improved. It's important to keep in my that even though frequency is at issue, when we do have sex it is a very enjoyable experience for both of us. She does enjoy it very much and I would rather like to see her engage it in more frequently. As for .."lamenting a bit she is not the perfect wife", I sure did not mean to come across as "lamenting" that I did not have a perfect wife. I was simply saying that I consider my wife so well suited for me that IF her libido was the same as mine, then I could say i have nothing that I might desire she change. So if that were the case, could I not then say she would be the perfect wife for me? Just a hypothetical observation and not one that I "lament" not having. As for your question "What are you afraid about if you do talk to her"? Nothing really. I have NOT ruled this out at all. I have stated in this thread that this is something that I would certainly do if I don't find improvement with the situation. I also never ruled out therapy if needed either. I'm just choosing to try to make changes and modification in my overall approach to this issue. I have had some modest success as I posted here and hope that this might the onset of permanent positive changes. I would rather avoid having to tell my wife that I really want her to provide me with more sex because she might likely "agree" to provide more sex only for the sake of giving me more sex when inside she really does not feel for it. I don't want her to "agree" to more sex, rather I would like her to "want" more sex. BIG difference here in my opinion. I have read some very disturbing post regarding this matter (Lizzie comes to mind). I think now I'm even more put off by the thought that my wife might agree to "give" me sex at times when she really does not feel for it. I at least take comfort in knowing that when she is ready for sex, she wants it and enjoys it. I now have to figure out how to get her that way more frequently. I'm working on it and i see a light in the distance. I just reread your original post and compared it to your reply to me, and I gotta say the two are not congruent. I like you, but I really think you are in denial about this one. You've had this issue for the past 10 years more or less, now it has intensified it seems, you feel rejected and very sad, yet you are approaching this as a mad scientist. You have also withheld this piece of information from your wife for a long time, and it seems to me you also don't have a pretty good view of your wife's psyche especially around sex. Lizzie's story sounds really scary, yet there is a huge difference in saying to someone "I feel hurt and rejected when you turn me down for sex" and "Woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out". First is emotional honesty, second is emotional abuse. I can never see you say the second thing, yet I would offer to you the view that you withholding your true feelings from her Is a form of emotional abuse. I know that sounds harsh, but I am the type of person who approaches a big issue in a relationship as soon as I become aware of it, or at the immediate opportune moment to do so and I consider it my absolute responsibility, since I can't expect for the other person to read my mind or to have the same level of awareness.
mem11363 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 summerautumn, If a spouse is not meeting a core need of their partner and continues not to do so despite repeated discussions, their partner has every right to end the marriage. And frankly telling someone why you are ending a marriage is less cruel than lying about your reasons for ending it. Who are you to state whether or not a particular reason for divorce is valid? Even worse who are you to tell someone it is abusive to end a marriage because their needs aren't being met. IMO - On board full of opinionated people your post is more extreme than any other I have seen here. I just reread your original post and compared it to your reply to me, and I gotta say the two are not congruent. I like you, but I really think you are in denial about this one. You've had this issue for the past 10 years more or less, now it has intensified it seems, you feel rejected and very sad, yet you are approaching this as a mad scientist. You have also withheld this piece of information from your wife for a long time, and it seems to me you also don't have a pretty good view of your wife's psyche especially around sex. Lizzie's story sounds really scary, yet there is a huge difference in saying to someone "I feel hurt and rejected when you turn me down for sex" and "Woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out". First is emotional honesty, second is emotional abuse. I can never see you say the second thing, yet I would offer to you the view that you withholding your true feelings from her Is a form of emotional abuse. I know that sounds harsh, but I am the type of person who approaches a big issue in a relationship as soon as I become aware of it, or at the immediate opportune moment to do so and I consider it my absolute responsibility, since I can't expect for the other person to read my mind or to have the same level of awareness.
Recommended Posts