Hard lessons of dating

[Kamille]

I have learned a lot about dating by being somewhat introspective, receiving and giving advice here and paying attention to (and for the most part rejecting) pop-psychology books such as 'The Rules', 'He's just not that into you', 'Why Men love Bitches' etc.

 

Tony T likes to point out that Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results.

 

I for one definitely have had to switch things up at times.

 

So here are some of the things I have learned. Please add your own or feel free to contest mine.

 

1. Your well-being comes first.

 

if at any time during the dating process you find yourself miserable, take a step back, forget about the boy (or girl) and do everything in your power to get yourself in a healthy frame of mind. Once you've done that, then you may get back to the issues in your romantic life, knowing that your romantic life doesn't define you.

 

2. There's nothing wrong with showing interest.

 

This is the result of rule 1. If you know you have your own back, then you can show interest without expecting the other person to validate you. You are giving them the gift of your interest in a way. What they do with it is up to them. You? You will be fine. (After you dust yourself off if they don't return the interest).

 

3. That being said, when first dating, make sure there is a balance between just how invested you are in the relationship and how much interest they show. Let the relationship grow at it's own pace. Take cues from the person you are dating.

 

I'm sure I have more.

 

What about you... What have you learned from dating? Or what do you feel you could do differently?

[You'reasian]

I have learned a lot about dating by being somewhat introspective, receiving and giving advice here and paying attention to (and for the most part rejecting) pop-psychology books such as 'The Rules', 'He's just not that into you', 'Why Men love Bitches' etc.

 

Tony T likes to point out that Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results.

 

I for one definitely have had to switch things up at times.

 

So here are some of the things I have learned. Please add your own or feel free to contest mine.

 

1. Your well-being comes first.

 

if at any time during the dating process you find yourself miserable, take a step back, forget about the boy (or girl) and do everything in your power to get yourself in a healthy frame of mind. Once you've done that, then you may get back to the issues in your romantic life, knowing that your romantic life doesn't define you.

 

2. There's nothing wrong with showing interest.

 

This is the result of rule 1. If you know you have your own back, then you can show interest without expecting the other person to validate you. You are giving them the gift of your interest in a way. What they do with it is up to them. You? You will be fine. (After you dust yourself off if they don't return the interest).

 

3. That being said, when first dating, make sure there is a balance between just how invested you are in the relationship and how much interest they show. Let the relationship grow at it's own pace. Take cues from the person you are dating.

 

I'm sure I have more.

 

What about you... What have you learned from dating? Or what do you feel you could do differently?

 

After a relationship or a long period of dating, I like to work on myself. This involves a brief period of time where I may meet people, but keep activities at an arms length.

 

1. Working on yourself is not a chore - it should be fun, intriguing and adventuresome.

 

- Learn to be a better, active listener. Set yourself up for social environments where you meet people - learn to listen to what they are saying, how they are saying it and appreciate them for their experience.

 

- Explore something new. You can chose something that you've always wanted to do or even better, meet someone who does something well that can teach you. You can explore alot of things -it can also be something that you may not be interested in, but someone else is - there's a challenge.

 

- Change. Review the way your mind is working. Explore the way you think about things. Learn different ways of thinking about things, how they improve your situation, your behavior, your interaction with the world.

 

- Stay fit. Physical fitness improves all aspects of your life. Define what fit means to you - it can be fun - "I play for a baseball team for 30 minutes every other day" or challening - "I want to complete my first 10K run" or downright selfish - "I want ripped abs, defined arms and a chiseled chest"

[pandagirl]

The main thing I've learned is you attract what you put out. In other words, if you want a loving, healthy relationship, you already have to be a happy person, a person who loves themselves, a person who is emotionally functional and knows how to deal with problems that could arise.

 

I think a lot of people believe that if you fine the right person, suddenly everything will be great and all our problems will suddenly disappear. Couldn't be further from the truth!

[You'reasian]

The main thing I've learned is you attract what you put out. In other words, if you want a loving, healthy relationship, you already have to be a happy person, a person who loves themselves, a person who is emotionally functional and knows how to deal with problems that could arise.!

 

Excellent point. Willingness to communicate and cooperate with your partner is a good thing.

 

I think a lot of people believe that if you fine the right person, suddenly everything will be great and all our problems will suddenly disappear. Couldn't be further from the truth!

 

I can agree. Relationships take work.

 

What does the 'right person' mean?

 

Compatability is the key.

 

- Interests

For instance, If I love horseback riding, hunting and playing in the water and you are a Vegan, member of PETA and afraid of water - we will not relate, no matter the attraction.

 

- Family

Lets say you grew up with both parents in a nuclear family and I grew up an orphan travelling between foster homes - we could have huge differences in the way we see relationships and different family values.

 

-Religious beliefs - self explanatory.

 

And we haven't even gotten into physical compatability. Maybe you want a guy whose super lean and I'm stocky. Maybe I want a woman whose got nice curves and you're thin and leggy...whatever, the point is that finding the right person in terms of compatability means alot to some people.

 

Some people have very well defined qualities that they are attracted to (I didn't say picky lol).

Edited February 15, 2010 by You'reasian

[Kamille]

All I can say about compatibility is that it's good to have a general idea of what you want and don't want in a relationship. For me, that translates more into how I want to be treated. So it links up to Panda's point. I can only expect to receive what I am willing to give in return.

 

I refuse to be in a relationship with a guy who plays hot and cold with me for the very simple reason that I do not want to play hot and cold with anyone. And you know what? Since realizing that, it's been way easier to find guys who actually want to be in loving, healthy relationships. The ones who scare easy and play games don't stand a chance with me. (Because as soon as they scare and start playing games, I'm no longer interested)

 

 

1. Working on yourself is not a chore - it should be fun, intriguing and adventuresome.

 

- Learn to be a better, active listener. Set yourself up for social environments where you meet people - learn to listen to what they are saying, how they are saying it and appreciate them for their experience.

 

- Explore something new. You can chose something that you've always wanted to do or even better, meet someone who does something well that can teach you. You can explore alot of things -it can also be something that you may not be interested in, but someone else is - there's a challenge.

 

- Change. Review the way your mind is working. Explore the way you think about things. Learn different ways of thinking about things, how they improve your situation, your behavior, your interaction with the world.

 

- Stay fit. Physical fitness improves all aspects of your life. Define what fit means to you - it can be fun - "I play for a baseball team for 30 minutes every other day" or challening - "I want to complete my first 10K run" or downright selfish - "I want ripped abs, defined arms and a chiseled chest"

 

I love this list because it harks back to my first point: Your own well-being comes first. What you're suggesting You're Asian are a lot of ways to make sure people continue to grow, be healthy and happy while dating.

 

 

I think a lot of people believe that if you fine the right person, suddenly everything will be great and all our problems will suddenly disappear. Couldn't be further from the truth!

 

So true. A lot of people look for love as a cure for loneliness. And think they're lonely because they haven't found love. Or bored because they haven't found love.

 

Love isn't a cure for loneliness. Being active and busy is a cure for loneliness.

[You'reasian]

All I can say about compatibility is that it's good to have a general idea of what you want and don't want in a relationship. For me, that translates more into how I want to be treated. So it links up to Panda's point. I can only expect to receive what I am willing to give in return.

 

I refuse to be in a relationship with a guy who plays hot and cold with me for the very simple reason that I do not want to play hot and cold with anyone. And you know what? Since realizing that, it's been way easier to find guys who actually want to be in loving, healthy relationships. The ones who scare easy and play games don't stand a chance with me. (Because as soon as they scare and start playing games, I'm no longer interested)

 

I love this list because it harks back to my first point: Your own well-being comes first. What you're suggesting You're Asian are a lot of ways to make sure people continue to grow, be healthy and happy while dating.

 

So true. A lot of people look for love as a cure for loneliness. And think they're lonely because they haven't found love. Or bored because they haven't found love.

 

Love isn't a cure for loneliness. Being active and busy is a cure for loneliness.

 

I know what you mean about the scare easy thing. Sometimes people jump to conclusions, are quick to judge and get scared - its usually a perception change. Just because some guy has some attractive women hanging around him doesn't mean he's sleeping with them - they could be friends.

 

Being active and busy is definitely a cure for loneliness. Staying fit, meeting people and managing your free time always makes you a better you - but more importantly, balancing this time is important too.

 

One of the hardest lessons is the Golden Rule in relationships.

[Ms. Joolie]

A hard lesson to learn is that I have to make myself vulnerable to my SO. When we date, I have to really open up and share things. I'm not use to that. It's easy to live on a superficial level, but the more open and honest we are, the more real our relationship is.

[Kamille]

I know what you mean about the scare easy thing. Sometimes people jump to conclusions' date=' are quick to judge and get scared - its usually a perception change. [/quote']

 

Which brings me to another thing I have learned:

 

It is usually best to discuss issues with your date-partner first before discussing them with your friends or a board filled with well-meaning experts (sorry LS!).

 

Whatever I discuss here I try to discuss with my bf first.

[Kamille]

 

One of the hardest lessons is the Golden Rule in relationships.

 

I don't know what planet I'm from... But what's the Golden Rule?

[Kamille]

A hard lesson to learn is that I have to make myself vulnerable to my SO. When we date, I have to really open up and share things. I'm not use to that. It's easy to live on a superficial level, but the more open and honest we are, the more real our relationship is.

 

Ooh yeah. this is one I'm currently struggling with. It is much easier for me to put walls up then to allow myself to be vulnerable. But I'm learning that it is so much more rewarding to allow myself to be vulnerable then to put walls up.

 

 

By putting walls up, I mean: I stop communicating, start 'keeping score' on whatever issue is bothering me (usually, is he as into me as I am into him) and then take bf by surprise one day by completely freaking out over what seems to him like an innocent mistake.

[Crazy Magnet]

The hardest thing I've learned in dating is to stay true to myself and my beliefs, which I believe was in the OP as well. I

 

've learned that in an R, I have to set boundaries and rules that are consistent with who I am, otherwise, I allow the other person to run all over me and I end up miserable with no one to blame but myself. For me, this also means to not be afraid to put my foot down. So many times I let something gloss over b/c I'm afraid if I say something, the guy will like me less, or think I am nagging or whining. In the end, if he can't respect my boundaries, he's not worth my time anyway and I shouldn't care if he likes me. That was hard to learn, and even harder to put into practice.

[lookin2wardthefuture]

These are all very good points and food for tohught. I have'nt dated in over 20 years, and I'm just starting to think in that direction. I'm sure there are decent people out there somewhere, but I have seen little evidence of it so far. I refuse to go online at least at this point, so I guess that first date will just happen when I actually meet someone interesting.

I find the prospect both exciting and nervewracking. This certainly is'nt where I thought I'd be at this point in my life, but it is where I am and I plan to embrace it as an oppertunity that will will hopefully turn out to be a much happier me and a happier life.

 

At this point with no first date in sight for the moment, I think I'm focusing more on what I DON'T WANT in future dating relationships. Here are some of the things I'm looking for:

 

1. Honesty-- no hidden agendas or expectations

2. No drama-- I see guys posting this all of the time, few women, but I was married to a guy that could give any woman a run for there money in this department.

3. Great sense of humor, fun and active

4. easy-going, loveable, kind and caring

 

I'm enjoying the journey of being alone at this point, because I'm learning how reselient I can be. Good luck to all of you daters out there in whatever stage you're in.

[greatgirlfriend]

I've learned that you shouldn't give up your interests to date. I've lived for years without a serious relationship so I've learned to develop hobbies on my own. Even if I move in with a guy or marry, I won't give these hobbies up, nor would I expect it of a guy.

[You'reasian]

I don't know what planet I'm from.

 

I've wondered that too...jk

 

But what's the Golden Rule?

 

Do unto others as they would do unto you.

 

For instance, hanging out at a party with guys and girls, drinking a beer and perhaps appearing to be too flirtatious with the girls - even though its completely harmless and non-physical.

 

I can see how this would make a girl jealous - yes, I would be jealous if she were flirting too and I would not want her doing that but I get so wrapped up in the moment and don't think about it because no lines are being crossed.

 

We sat down, face to face - because I could tell this was important to her and us. I listened to how she felt about it. I didn't want her to feel that way and tried to come up with ways to make her more comfortable.

Edited February 15, 2010 by You'reasian

[You'reasian]

I've learned that you shouldn't give up your interests to date. I've lived for years without a serious relationship so I've learned to develop hobbies on my own. Even if I move in with a guy or marry, I won't give these hobbies up, nor would I expect it of a guy.

 

That's awesome.

 

I'm sure your guy would be glad that you are into your own hobbies, cheer you on - and of course occasionally tease you about them

[Kamille]

The hardest thing I've learned in dating is to stay true to myself and my beliefs, which I believe was in the OP as well. I

 

've learned that in an R, I have to set boundaries and rules that are consistent with who I am, otherwise, I allow the other person to run all over me and I end up miserable with no one to blame but myself. For me, this also means to not be afraid to put my foot down. So many times I let something gloss over b/c I'm afraid if I say something, the guy will like me less, or think I am nagging or whining. In the end, if he can't respect my boundaries, he's not worth my time anyway and I shouldn't care if he likes me. That was hard to learn, and even harder to put into practice.

 

Yes, that is definitely a lesson I have learned and keep having to learn. I'm no longer worried that if I speak up the guy will like me less but I still struggle to figure out exactly what my boundaries are.

 

My solution lately has been to take responsibility for myself in the relationship. That means that if I realize I've allowed bf to cross one of my boundaries, I don't freak out and accuse him of not taking my feelings into account. Instead I do the mature thing and communicate about it: "When you do X it makes me feel Y". I'm very lucky in that current bf is a great communicator and doesn't get defensive. (I had an ex who would twist everything I said against me... I think this explains in part why I have to work hard at learning to communicate in a relationship).

 

 

 

I'm sure there are decent people out there somewhere, but I have seen little evidence of it so far. I refuse to go online at least at this point, so I guess that first date will just happen when I actually meet someone interesting.

I find the prospect both exciting and nervewracking. This certainly is'nt where I thought I'd be at this point in my life, but it is where I am and I plan to embrace it as an oppertunity that will will hopefully turn out to be a much happier me and a happier life.

 

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating L2ward.

 

I'm thinking the only reason you haven't found any decent prospect is because you are not ready to find them. Hopefully it will come. What we seem to all agree on here is that the healthiest way to go about dating is to make yourself happy, on your own, before starting to look for love. It does make dating a lot less daunting and a lot more fun.

 

Other thing I have learned: You will need a great sense of humor in order to handle what the dating world will throw at you.

 

 

 

At this point with no first date in sight for the moment, I think I'm focusing more on what I DON'T WANT in future dating relationships. Here are some of the things I'm looking for:

 

1. Honesty-- no hidden agendas or expectations

2. No drama-- I see guys posting this all of the time, few women, but I was married to a guy that could give any woman a run for there money in this department.

3. Great sense of humor, fun and active

4. easy-going, loveable, kind and caring

 

I'm enjoying the journey of being alone at this point, because I'm learning how reselient I can be. Good luck to all of you daters out there in whatever stage you're in.

 

Interesting, apart from No drama, your list of don't want is actually a list of do wants.

[Kamille]

I love it You're Asian. That's a great Golden Rule.

 

And it reminds me:

 

Always take the time to listen to your bf or gf and try to see things form their perspective. There is no need to get defensive. If you do not agree with what they say, or if you have a differing take on things, you can calmly explain your point of view. And remember, neither one of you 'owns the truth'.

[You'reasian]

Yes, that is definitely a lesson I have learned and keep having to learn. I'm no longer worried that if I speak up the guy will like me less but I still struggle to figure out exactly what my boundaries are.

 

My solution lately has been to take responsibility for myself in the relationship. That means that if I realize I've allowed bf to cross one of my boundaries, I don't freak out and accuse him of not taking my feelings into account. Instead I do the mature thing and communicate about it: "When you do X it makes me feel Y". I'm very lucky in that current bf is a great communicator and doesn't get defensive.

 

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating L2ward.

 

I'm thinking the only reason you haven't found any decent prospect is because you are not ready to find them. Hopefully it will come. What we seem to all agree on here is that the healthiest way to go about dating is to make yourself happy, on your own, before starting to look for love. It does make dating a lot less daunting and a lot more fun.

 

Other thing I have learned: You will need a great sense of humor in order to handle what the dating world will throw at you.

 

Interesting, apart from No drama, your list of don't want is actually a list of do wants.

 

Isn't it awesome to be able to sit and talk things out with someone who is definitive and respects you?

 

When you do X, it makes me feel Y is perfect. Its direct. Its simple and when delivered calmly, makes for a great discussion.

 

Ladies, some things about us guys:

 

1. We can be social - please don't make us feel trapped

2. We want to be free to be us

3. We may or may not look at porn - that's our private time

4. We love you and yes, we want to communicate with you and be with you!

[Ms. Joolie]

Also, once you begin dating steadily I find perseverance is a hard lesson to learn. I always feel like giving up, like it's too much trouble, or that I'm better off alone.

 

Yet when I'm alone, I long for HIM.

 

It's so stupid.

 

 

Hard lesson learned: Keep working at what's in front of you, whether you're single or in a relationship. Don't give up. Put in the effort and earn what you want.

[greatgirlfriend]

That's awesome.

 

I'm sure your guy would be glad that you are into your own hobbies, cheer you on - and of course occasionally tease you about them

 

The funny thing is we share many of the same hobbies. The ones we don't I figure we can do separately. Even if we eventually marry, I wouldn't want to be tied to the hip.

[You'reasian]

The funny thing is we share many of the same hobbies. The ones we don't I figure we can do separately. Even if we eventually marry, I wouldn't want to be tied to the hip.

 

Even better, you can challenge each other.

[greatgirlfriend]

Even better' date=' you can challenge each other.[/quote']

 

We both like video games, so it could be fun playing with him.

[You'reasian]

We both like video games, so it could be fun playing with him.

 

Lots of opportunity for challenge and fun.

 

Loser of this game has to cook dinner (or other activity...)

[Kamille]

Also, once you begin dating steadily I find perseverance is a hard lesson to learn. I always feel like giving up, like it's too much trouble, or that I'm better off alone.

 

Yet when I'm alone, I long for HIM.

 

It's so stupid.

 

 

Hard lesson learned: Keep working at what's in front of you, whether you're single or in a relationship. Don't give up. Put in the effort and earn what you want.

 

That's a tricky one isn't it? When do you know enough is enough? Or how much work is too much work?

 

All I know is that now that I'm in a relationship where things are usually easy (to communicate and to resolve), I realize that my past relationships were perhaps too much work. I don't fault my exes. I think I had a lot of growing up to do. (And still feel I have a lot of growing up to do).

[greatgirlfriend]

Lots of opportunity for challenge and fun.

 

Loser of this game has to cook dinner (or other activity...)

 

Not a bad idea. I was thinking something a little more sexual, but my mind always thinks sex.