justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I have been talking to this guy going on 4 weeks. For the first 3-weeks he was always the one who messaged me first, i never messaged him. The last 2-days i initiated the emails. He is reponsive and i figured if he didnt want to talk to me, he wouldnt respond or wouldnt be so responsive. So, the last email which was yesterday we ended the convo when we went to bed, and he said talk to you tommorow. Now, i dont know if i should message him first or he should message me first? i kind of feel like he is waiting for me to because by this point he has already sent me a message. I just dont want to bombard him so that is why i am waiting a little while to message him. Maybe I am making this too complicated?? does it matter who messages each other first?
counterman Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 If you want to talk to him, then message him. Simple. I don't think it really matters. You'll soon find that if you are interested in each other, then the initiating of contact will be shared.
canadaman111 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 like was already said if you want to talk to him, message him. There is no need for these dumb games. Just puts a lot of doubt and worry in each others minds.
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Have you been dating? Or just talking a lot? If you're basically in a relationship it's ok to initiate, although you should not be initiating more often than he is, and if he is starting to initiate less and less he could be losing interest. The only way to gain it back is to be distant yourself so he realizes that he misses you (or doesn't, in which case "next!")
Leia Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I have been talking to this guy going on 4 weeks. For the first 3-weeks he was always the one who messaged me first, i never messaged him. The last 2-days i initiated the emails. He is reponsive and i figured if he didnt want to talk to me, he wouldnt respond or wouldnt be so responsive. So, the last email which was yesterday we ended the convo when we went to bed, and he said talk to you tommorow. Now, i dont know if i should message him first or he should message me first? i kind of feel like he is waiting for me to because by this point he has already sent me a message. I just dont want to bombard him so that is why i am waiting a little while to message him. Maybe I am making this too complicated?? does it matter who messages each other first? Why complicate your mind with all these questions? Just text or call him and ask how's his day or whatever. It wouldn't hurt for you to make the first move, ya know? I mean, how many moves has he made?? People seem to put way too much time going back and forth on this matter. Get it over and done with.
Author justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 He has initiated about 90% of the contact.
Author justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I should clarify, that the two of us are just getting to know each other right now. I am just paranoid because I have dealt with so many flakes the past year, that i dont know how to act. He is really genuine and straight forward which i like, but i just become afraid that any given moment, he may become bored which is why i questioned if i should send him a message or not. I did though, i am not a game player.
carhill Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 So, how did your last date go? IMO, 'messages' and 'phone' are 'date arrangers'. Save the texting for when you're married and 'hon, I need some bread from the store'.
Thebob Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Girls and there stupid ass games, just message him and get it over. If it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be. If it was me, I'd be worried that you didn't like me because I have messaged you a couple times already and you haven't initiated one. That's just me though because it recently just happened to me so just message the guy already and get a move on. Thebob
sally4sara Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Anyone ever wondered how many opportunities go by while you hem hawed, wondered, worried and waited for something to happen? Try for the life you want rather than waiting for life to just happen to you. Because seriously, you've spent how much time chatting with him? If you calling or messaging him once makes him run for the hills, what did you really have with him anyway?
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Agreed. He has to actually see you and ask to see you, this texting business is nonsense. Rules say if no suggestion of meeting within the first 4 emails/texts, then next! I understand a lot of people hate The Rules but in your situation it's nice to have them to prevent yourself from getting really hurt. I'm a situation with a guy I met who I really liked, but he hasn't called. If he never does, I'll be irritated but not that hurt about it, thanks to The Rules.
Author justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I messaged him yesterday too, and we messaged till he went to bed. I know, cant wonder i guess. If a guy likes you he wont get annoyed that you message him.
carhill Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 So, is this a 'message' relationship or are you dating?
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I messaged him yesterday too, and we messaged till he went to bed. I know, cant wonder i guess. If a guy likes you he wont get annoyed that you message him. He won't get annoyed, but he might lose interest.
sally4sara Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Agreed. He has to actually see you and ask to see you, this texting business is nonsense. Rules say if no suggestion of meeting within the first 4 emails/texts, then next! I understand a lot of people hate The Rules but in your situation it's nice to have them to prevent yourself from getting really hurt. I'm a situation with a guy I met who I really liked, but he hasn't called. If he never does, I'll be irritated but not that hurt about it, thanks to The Rules. No amount of rules is going to save you from ever being hurt. Rules will only make you miss out on forging a connection with another person. If I have any rule, it would be to follow my heart. If it leads to someone not treating me well, it doesn't mean I was wrong. It means they were worthless for me.
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 No amount of rules is going to save you from ever being hurt. Rules will only make you miss out on forging a connection with another person. If I have any rule, it would be to follow my heart. If it leads to someone not treating me well, it doesn't mean I was wrong. It means they were worthless for me. Of course not. You get into committed relationships and they end. It's always heartbreaking. But why put yourself through that at the front end of a relationship if you really don't need to? It is empowering to have your own life and your own priorities independent of someone who hasn't really stepped up to pursue you.
Author justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 He won't get annoyed, but he might lose interest. Thats what i mean!!! what can you do to make sure he doesnt lose interest? thats why i was worried about messaging him too much, which i havent. How would i know when to step back?
sally4sara Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Of course not. You get into committed relationships and they end. It's always heartbreaking. But why put yourself through that at the front end of a relationship if you really don't need to? It is empowering to have your own life and your own priorities independent of someone who hasn't really stepped up to pursue you. I'm sorry but no one becomes so important that they are capable of hurting me at the front end of a relationship. To have that happen would require that I lose sight of myself and my wants the moment I meet a potential person. The OP for example. It seems the vast majority of her interaction with this fella is texting. Nothing one should be hanging all their hopes on yet she is twisting up about how to be accepted by the guy. She should just do what she wants and if it doesn't work out, well who needs a guy who can't handle a woman calling him or initiating any further interactions? But she has already signed all control over their interactions to some guy she barely knows. Justagirl, You are the brass ring. If he can't figure it out, why should he get the brass ring?
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 She does seem to be getting to the point where she could get hurt by texting and investing more of herself in this guy with less and less initiation/response from him. Some people like you are strong enough not to care about that - others, like me and possibly the OP, are not, and need to set up some boundaries to protect themselves. Bottom line: if the guy is REALLY interested, he knows that society is ok with him pursuing. The real question is whether you want to settle for a guy who is not REALLY interested, but could eventually become REALLY interested if circumstances dictate. The Rules suggest that you do not. I think given the info the OP has given us, that she should not.
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Thats what i mean!!! what can you do to make sure he doesnt lose interest? thats why i was worried about messaging him too much, which i havent. How would i know when to step back? Keep in mind that in posting on this Board I have a certain role to play, that of Rules Girl but I am trying to be pragmatic. To make sure he does not lose interest, stop texting altogether. Just stop it. Immerse yourself in YOURSELF aside from him or men at all. He will likely notice the difference and initiate, to which you should respond less frequently and put less of yourself out there. If he does not text, you have your answer and you can feel relieved.
Leia Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Thats what i mean!!! what can you do to make sure he doesnt lose interest? thats why i was worried about messaging him too much, which i havent. How would i know when to step back? Then WHY are you so worried?? Stop fussing over this.
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Then WHY are you so worried?? Stop fussing over this. She's obsessive about whether he will text her. I can relate. Here is what I am doing to curb my obsession. 1) throwing myself into hobbies, old and new 2) turning off my phone as much as possible 3) trying various techniques to control my thoughts, which is something that takes practice.
Author justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 She does seem to be getting to the point where she could get hurt by texting and investing more of herself in this guy with less and less initiation/response from him. Some people like you are strong enough not to care about that - others, like me and possibly the OP, are not, and need to set up some boundaries to protect themselves. Bottom line: if the guy is REALLY interested, he knows that society is ok with him pursuing. The real question is whether you want to settle for a guy who is not REALLY interested, but could eventually become REALLY interested if circumstances dictate. The Rules suggest that you do not. I think given the info the OP has given us, that she should not. So your suggesting i let him initiate?
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Yes think about yourself for awhile. It's hard to separate that from thinking about a guy, believe me, I know. But try hard.
Author justagirl09 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Keep in mind that in posting on this Board I have a certain role to play, that of Rules Girl but I am trying to be pragmatic. To make sure he does not lose interest, stop texting altogether. Just stop it. Immerse yourself in YOURSELF aside from him or men at all. He will likely notice the difference and initiate, to which you should respond less frequently and put less of yourself out there. If he does not text, you have your answer and you can feel relieved. He was initiatting the last 3 weeks, but for the last 2 days i have been. But guess ill stop...just dont want him to think i lost interest, but i know men like to pursue.
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