Can I ask him to set boundaries with his ex?

[Crazy Magnet]

Thanks to your thread, I finally set my foot down completely, and my BF said ok. I have another thread on here about it if you want to read more.

 

I have no idea if he meant what he said, but I will have to believe him. I have no idea if this will make us work in the long term, but I have to believe it will. Regardless I feel SO good about taking a stand and making my needs known.

[Serena2009]

Of course he must have had an attachment to her to keep sleeping with her. FWB aren't completely without feelings and it's clear she has feelings for him now. Ok he may not have wanted a relationship that is fully committed to her but there is and was obviously an emotional connection - it is no way an unemotional connection going on with her. Guys - you may think I'm dumb but this is news to me. All this time I have been trying to understand him and what he says, tried to trust and believe him seeing the fault as mine. I think with your help this is building a picture of likely possibilities. I think I have just been trying to put certain thngs out of my head because he has told me they are wrong.

 

What my bf actually says is that he can talk to her about ANYTHING not he talks to her about everything. He tells me they don't talk about anything other than work and the dog and I guess .. everything but me.

 

If he can talk to her about ANYTHING, there not only was, there IS an emotional connection going on. It should be YOU that he can talk to about anything, not her. And . . . if it's so innocent, why can't he talk to her about you?? If he's avoiding discussion of you, he's avoiding setting a healthy boundary with her as well as disrespecting you. The fact that he can't talk to her about you is a HUGE red flag!!

 

I'm not sure even what to say when he says 'you are just jealous'. The point where I am at now is that I have to ignore that comment and tell him that that comment is not solving the problem. He really has to listen to me and what I am saying here and care about how I feel and how I feel is that he is not committed to me as long as he is in touch with her. Does he care it hurts me over and over? If it comes down to the issue of the dog has nowhere to stay - to me I will do anything to help him find somewhere else for the dog - because we really cannot lose the relationship over a practical issue - the dog has nowhere to stay.

 

I would respond, "Yes, I am concerned about your relationship with her. You know she's into you as more than a friend and you seem unwilling to set appropriate boundaries with her. This is disrespectful to me and our relationship. My concerns are valid whether you choose recognize them or not!!"

 

Not on a dog note, this is also an interesting place, because the relationship has been deeply effected on all sorts of small, big and hidden ways by this like a trickle of sickness in the relationship. If he did commit to me and ditched her, the relationship could possibly be so great... really - what a relief it would be.

 

The whole dog thing sounds like a diversion from the real issue and an excuse!!

 

The key word to me here is commitment I think and with commitment it will build trust. Without commitment the trust won't come, it will be blind trust and I will stumble every now and again and that sickness will remain. I might take another day to think about things taking in what has been said and getting ready to present it to him. I think eventually he will listen to me... and then he will decide. He'll probably, as usual be defensve, angry and frustrated first... then when he has calmed down he will probably listen... but whether he will talk to me..... ?

 

I'm not so weak to stay here. I am 32 and I want a family whilst I am still young. If this commitment just isnt there - then there is no point staying no matter how much it hurts to go. And what a shame because he has a girl who is very dedicated to him.....

 

I'll keep you informed and thank you so much everyone.

 

You have a right to have a healthy relationship with someone who is totally into you and not getting their ego or emotional needs fulfilled by an ex as side dish.

 

The answer was "No, I don't normally contact her, she contacts me." And I believe this is true, from checking his phone frequently, to be the case. He doesn't hide things on his phone - I have found all sorts of texts from her that he hasn't deleted - I've seen his replies too and never once has there been a sign of affection, kisses etc - it's all pretty practical boring stuff from him - just not from her. So I think I can trust him here to a point.

 

If the stuff coming from her is indicative of emotional attachment then he knows it, he's accepting it, and influencing continuance by not setting appropriate boundaries with her. It's not fair to her and its not fair to you!! It serves only him!!

 

Secondly I see this a good sign that he hasn't replied to her. He hasn't gone running to her to check she is ok, apologise or explain anything. It's like I have said before... I have done him a favour here in letting her know where she stands - I imagine she is probably upset that he let me do this. By not getting in contact with her I think he is actually sending the message to her that he is not 'there for her' in the way she wants him to be. What I didn't say is that she responded to my text back to her saying "You should know X doesn't like other people using his phone". Why is it only ever after that you think of what was a good thing to say? I should have said - "he's right here next to me". But maybe that has kind of been said by him not pusuing the situation with her. Besides - he will be too scared to call her and face her over this.

 

So . . . you're trying to set a boundary with her and she has no problem setting a boundary with you . . . but what's he doing . . . NOTHING!! He's sitting there whistling tunes while two women are fighting over him and he knows it!!

 

BUT don't think I am giving in or anything. I'm not. I still can't live with things this way and I'm not going to. It's just I have to decide my own boundaries and then give the ultimatum.

 

YES!! Decide on your own terms, your own boundaries, what you need and what you want and know you deserve nothing less. Be strong. You deserve more than this.

[BWLoca]

Actually, I disagree that he should be talking to this girl about his relationship with oneheart. If she has any emotional attachment to him, she's only going to have negative opinions.

[2sunny]

just a quick thought too - I think he is reluctant to cut contact with her because the dog will have nowhere to stay ....BUT because our relationship is not exactly strong, he feels that if he cuts her off and we split up - what is he going to do with the dog then?

 

BTW - the dog is old but fighting fit. If it did die he would be getting another one - although, I think he would be more willing for it to go into kennels if it was a young age and could get used to it.

 

I know it seems I may have gone off track talking about the dog - but these are the things he is going to be saying back to me.

 

it's not really about the dog at all... although if he makes it about the dog you are less likely to push him for the conversation that this is really about. - the friend.

 

when someone doesn't want to talk about the REAL issue that's brought up - they seem to make things very chaotic feeling - so as to distract you from the primary purpose of the conversation. it works! i used to do this all the time when someone wanted to talk about something i didn't want to discuss. if i made it about everything else - then the real issue never got a resolution... yay, i win! that's the way i used to think.

 

in retrospect - it was just a great way to gaslight and form a fog for the real issue i didn't want to face. it sent the receiver of my actions into a tailspin emotionally, left them completely confused and fooled by me. a sneaky way of lying. i got my way every time... never facing the truth about a better way to operate, which was on truth and honesty.

 

life is different now and certainly easier and better with honesty and a simple approach but i sure recognize it when i see it happen to others now.

[Serena2009]

Actually, I disagree that he should be talking to this girl about his relationship with oneheart. If she has any emotional attachment to him, she's only going to have negative opinions.

 

I agree that he shouldn't be getting advice about his relationship with oneheart from his ex and if you look at my earlier post, I made this very point. But . . . mentioning things regarding oneheart such as what they're doing, the fun they're sharing etc. should certainly not be off limits and wouldn't be if the relationship with the ex was innocent. It's for this reason that I brought it up. Frankly, it seems obvious that this man knows that his ex has an emotional attachment to him and he seems unwilling to set a boundary with his ex. This seems to be the core issue.

[SuburbanOblivion]

The dog isn't the real problem and we all know it, but I need some clarification here.

 

Why would the dog have nowhere to stay if he stops talking to her? Is she going to put it out on the street? Why can't the dog live with him?

[oneheart]

The dog lives with us. If you check through my previous posts you will see the 'situation' with the dog...ugh.... pffff

 

He has his own business, very busy, has to work such long hours sometimes, occassionally away and holidays - so that's where the dog goes, I'm not always available to look after it.

[oneheart]

and you're right. the dog isn't the emotional problem. but for him it is a practical and emotional problem... read past posts - and thanks for taking the time to comment

[SuburbanOblivion]

The dog needs to be crate-trained or re-homed then. Even older dogs can adjust to crate training.

[oneheart]

Not a chance! There is no way he would go for that. I also don't think it's necessary - his dog is a lot more flexible and adaptable than he gives him credit for. The issue isn't really the dog.... it's him! He's the one putting up all the limitations. anyway...

 

We're talking tonight. I have woken up this morning and I feel like I may aswell start packing. I asked him last night if he had been thinking and had anything to say to me, his repsonse: "I think you are being ridiculous." It feels that hour by hour I am withdrawing. I think it's because I have little hope of things going my way. If they don't then it's really obvious he is not committed to me. Ouch He doesn't seem to be able to see things from my side. Sometimes in the past he has been able to eventually... but when I gave him this ultimatum in the past (but it was in a very emotional argument!) he had decided to quit. Which is why I don't have much hope, he's given me his answer on this before. It's like I'm asking the same question twice. Only last time I caved in and thought I was just being a jealous fruitcake. A very small part of feels that maybe I am still... I really do feel like packing and almost not even bothering talking to him. But realistically - we would have to have a talk to end things anyway, so I may aswell talk to him.

 

When I asked him this morning if he was taking the dog over to his ex's mum's this weekend for whilst he is away, he said he didn't know, he hadn't arranged anything yet. Of course if his ex may have contacted her mum telling her about what has happened, then my bf is in an awkard position asking her mum to have the dog. He won't even know of his ex has spoken to her mum. I wonder what he will do. Because really, this awkwardness has possibly left him thinking he doesn't want to face her mum and he would rather the dog went somewhere else then, he has to find an alternative to the dog going there. He has one other friend who might have him, but this friend isn't always available. I hope he is not so maybe he will be forced into finding somewhere alternative which might make him think about his limitations... or he might just risk it and call her mum.

 

Regardless - that painful emptiness of commitment to me and not listening to me is what is on my mind more than anything. Today I plan to get my case together to present to him and to try and remember to be kind to myself and kind to him and not to lose my dignity. After all if he decides I'm not good enough for him I can't do anything about it and have to respect that.

[freestyle]

I wish you the best in your talk with him.

 

There's nothing wrong with bringing notes, either, if that helps you to not

get flustered and sidetracked.

 

If he calls you "ridiculous" again........call him out on it.

 

aside from the obvious verbal abuse, and invalidation of your feelings (which is emotional abuse, BTW).....it's nothing more than him deflecting..........putting it all on you, not owning up to any accountability or responsibility for his behavior.Try not to allow him to turn the tables on you like that.You can respond by saying, "Yes, but we're talking about you right now, not me. We're talking about how your behavior and actions make me feel."

 

I would even go so far as to point out to him that he should be looking at why he has not had a successful, lasting relationship with anyone else, (including you) for the last ten years.

 

what woman in her right mind is going to stick with a guy who still hangs out with his ex, and uses her as a confidante?What woman is going to feel like her secrets are safe with him, if he's still turning to his ex? What woman is going to tolerate her SO hanging out with an ex who has been disrespectful to her, and plays territorial games (the blanking, the Valentine's text)?

 

if anything, he's the one being ridiculous........for expecting you, or any other woman, to put up with that. Ever.

 

I really believe you should say these things to him. Maybe the light bulb will go on over his head, maybe it won't.

 

Whatever you do, don't apologize for your feelings. You have a right to feel what you feel. It is part of who you are.Apologizing for your feelings is like.....apologizing for the Truth.

 

Be strong and stand your ground............

[oneheart]

Thanks fs. I have got some notes ready - an opening speech.... it's been hard to write the notes going into detail over his and hs ex's relationship over how he feels about her.

 

After all - if his sleeping in bed with her was so innocent, he didn't have feelings for her and it's nothing I should worry about - then if it's SO absolutely nothing for me to worry about then why is not acceptable that he does it with her now? (he doesn't do this now, this is hypothetical just to make the point how inappropriate keeping touch with her is).

 

I plan to ask him how he felt about her when they were sleeping (non sexually) together. Ask him why did he continue sleeping with her in the same bed when he wasn't interested? What did he get out of it? If he says it was all nothing, then that really is no different to what he is doing now. His feelings are the same and if we split up then he can just go straight back to the woman that will be waiting there for him who always will be with their dependancy on each other.

 

I am also going to say that I am not prepared to live within their relationship and that he will not know a fully committed relationship until he breaks the ties with her and lets himself have trust in another woman to give him everything and trust for it to work out. With her around and things bad between us he has (in his mind) good reason to keep her hanging around. They are both clinging as far as I can see. It's so unhealthy... are they going to go their whole lives like that? It's sick! maybe I'm just not the one to do it for him... it certainly doesn't look like it...

 

I have been feeling so unwell physically with all this. I am so nervous. I really feel like tonight it will be over. I'm just not sure I can stand my ground but I will try. I hope he sees that I can just walk away right now without explaining all this and that in my efforts to exlpain it I am saying I want to be with him - that's my commitment.

 

We are going out to talk. I don't want to talk in the house it could easily get out of control. We're going out to the pub. It worked really well last time we did this. He listened and we didn't shout or argue - just talked. Well - actually, he didn't talk much, but enough.

 

So ... I'm so scared.... I am SO convinced he is going to either say I can't make him chose and call it all off (after 2 years!) or semi-ok would be he says he wants time to think. Which if he does I will have to give him a deadline.

 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me on this one...... it's happening in the next few hours... I couldn't have got to a place of clarity without all your help. Thank you. x

[oneheart]

He finished with me.

 

Was not buying any of it. Said he will not help me move out.

 

It's the end ... there's clarification for you

[silverfish]

He finished with me.

 

Was not buying any of it. Said he will not help me move out.

 

It's the end ... there's clarification for you

 

((hugs to you))....so sorry it didn't work out, but please don't doubt yourself now, it sounds like you did the right thing

[Stung]

I'm sure you don't see it right now, but to be honest it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. This guy steadfastly refused to try to see things from your POV, he routinely invalidated your feelings and disparaged them as 'ridiculous', he hangs up on you and is generally disrespectful of you when he disagrees with you, he won't even help you move when he breaks up with you? He was unable to set up appropriate boundaries with regards to his ex-girlfriends, and blames you for having emotional responses to this? These are NOT characteristics of a good mate, or even a good man.

 

I am sorry it didn't end the way you wanted it to, but I hope you don't start second-guessing yourself too much. He ended it with you because you stood your ground and asserted yourself and he couldn't handle that, not because you were in the wrong.

 

I know he was the financial support of this relationship. Instead of obsessing on this issue further, it's time for you to turn your thoughts to practical matters, i.e. getting out of there and supporting yourself while finishing your schooling.

[2sunny]

what a coward he is. he loses you in order to stay in touch with her? wow, so he really is committed to her more than you. what a complete dork. what did he say to you?

 

better to know that now rather than waste 5-10 more years waiting for him to decide.

 

i really think he's weak - he is just way too wimpy to tell the other gal to buzz off - or he actually does care for her more than he's willing to admit.

 

don't have him help you with anything... show him you are a strong woman who doesn't need his help at all.

 

big hugs!

[oneheart]

Thanks everyone for your support

 

I had a feeling it would go this way...

 

Right now this second I am packing .. it's like... 1.49am and my intention is to pack through the night and get out of here as fast as possible.

 

I haven't stopped to think much. I think I'm a bit numb.... I have only found myself once second guessing....

 

He said lots of things but he said he has had enough, not just over his ex but all the other disagreements we have had. He still said AGAIN I need to learn how to behave....

 

He just wont accept the issue of his ex... and I think that being a problem to him along with other troubles he has had enough...

 

Well... I guess I have to. I think at some point tonight in packing I'll fall apart.... I have no idea what I am going to do from here... I'm blank.. numb... I'm just going to keep packing... I might be back on here (loveshack) though! Probably a lot more angry and upset! But I just can't stop to think... right now I'm just thinking " get out, get out, get out" I really really want out of here so fast. I do not want to sleep in this house ever again.. it is no longer my home. I need to move on and away from this man who I feel has been very unkind to me. He was so convinced he is committed to me.. I said to him the only time he is interested in how I feel is when it benefits him, if I am feeling down or upset he has no interest at all. I don't think I argued my case that well tonight... it's not the easiest one to argue really is it? But I gave it my best shot. he looked angry the whole time I was talking. He's had enough so there is no point trying. Wish I could just snap my fingers and be out of here living my new life... I've told him that once all the practical stuff is sorted I never want to hear from him again... and on principal I won't contact him ever again to make my point about ex's. Just like I have never contacted another ex who had the same kinda thing going on with his ex. I'm really not interested where he goes from here. If it was a friendly kind of relationship then I would.. but I can't say it has been that way.

 

Everyone who has helped... your support has been immensely kind, I can't believe a whole load of strangers would help me so much. Amazing. I don't feel as alone and you have really given me strength I may not have had. Thank you. Thank you.

 

I'll be back when it all kicks in!

Edited February 19, 2010 by oneheart

[Serena2009]

Oneheart,

 

He is a completely self-absorbed and manipulative man! He DOES NOT deserve you!! His behavior is SO selfish!! I know it hurts. What hurts most in these relationships is seeing a side of the individual that you have not seen before. It's tough to let go of the illusion of who you thought they were. Like was said before, although I'm sure everything feels pretty crappy right now, better that you found him out now rather than having invested even more of your precious time and precious self into him. Stay strong! You will get through this. Live one day at a time for now, even one minute or one second at a time if need be. It WILL get easier. I promise.

[donnamaybe]

You need to learn how to behave?! I hope you kicked him in the balls when he made that dumbass comment.

 

You may hurt for awhile, but you are SO better off without him.

[oneheart]

Thanks again to everyone who has chipped in on being a shoulder for me. xx

 

I guess I need to switch forums now to coping.

 

He has said so many things .... But the most important thing he said was that he didn't want to do it anymore, isn't going to change, doesn't think he should have to and I have to accept him the way he is and everything in his life.

 

He has completely confused me by saying - I need to have a think about the way he is and if I can accept it. I responded by saying I have thought about it and I don't accept it. I said it was his chance to decide if he wants to think about HIS behaviour if he wants to stay with me. He said he will think about it BUT said he is not going to change.. blah ablhabalhblah I said well there's the answer then. No change no relationship. He did admit that the text from his ex was poor play and that he could or should have set some boundaries with her. But he said it was more than this issue - he said I wasn't happy with him. This has been the hardest thing to hear. Him saying - you don't like me, my life and my dog. Because it's not true in a huge sense and true in the sense he was never prepared to make any changes or sacrifices to do what it takes to sort any propblems. Really - am I being unreasonable in voicing what I find hard and offering solutions that would make me feel better? I think the fact that it ''costs'' him to make changes is the problem. At the end of the day I guess I have to just take it... "He's not that in to you..." Ouch

 

It's over isn't it. I still feel that it was my fault fo not being tolerant of someone else. My weaknesses. My mistakes...

 

I've looked at a place to move to today, it's run down and but very cheap with 3 friendly people living there. I can move in straight away. Just nervous about it.... I don't want to land the people in the house with an emotional wreck as a new housemate! I need to be quick if I want such a bargain... I'm scared... My mum has said I can stay with her but I'm afraid we will very quickly piss each other off and I don't need to be falling out with my mum as well as this, plus there really is no room, v v little. She loves having me here but I don't want any conflict with her. Our relationship is good but we are both quite sensitive. But... I will be very lonely in the new place.... I just keep thinking back to my last breakup just over 2 and a half years ago - I became so depressed, I can't bear to go through that again.... any thoughts? Promise I will shift this over to Coping after this.

 

Thanks .xxxxxxxxxxxx no really! xxxxxxxxxx

[freestyle]

While every relationship requires a certain amount of compromise, you were/are absolutely within your rights to be concerned about him having

that much contact with an ex.

 

And she broke one of the cardinal rules of opposite sex friendships......

 

....you never, ever, ever, disrespect your friend's SO. Period.

 

He also committed a huge breach of trust by hiding his relationship with her for six months.He waited until he had you hooked in before he told you. It smacks of manipulation.

 

That also shows that he darn well knew it could be an issue, so for him to label you as "being ridiculous" is absurd.If it "wasn't a big deal...."

 

as he claimed.........

 

then why did he withhold that information from you???

 

Essentially he denied you your right to make an informed assessment about who you were investing in.

 

I'm hoping you'll keep this in mind if you do talk with him again.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting now, but you will heal.And I suspect that you will begin to feel empowered , for having established your boundaries.

[paddington bear]

Thanks again to everyone who has chipped in on being a shoulder for me. xx

 

I guess I need to switch forums now to coping.

 

He has said so many things .... But the most important thing he said was that he didn't want to do it anymore, isn't going to change, doesn't think he should have to and I have to accept him the way he is and everything in his life.

 

He has completely confused me by saying - I need to have a think about the way he is and if I can accept it. I responded by saying I have thought about it and I don't accept it. I said it was his chance to decide if he wants to think about HIS behaviour if he wants to stay with me. He said he will think about it BUT said he is not going to change.. blah ablhabalhblah I said well there's the answer then. No change no relationship. He did admit that the text from his ex was poor play and that he could or should have set some boundaries with her. But he said it was more than this issue - he said I wasn't happy with him. This has been the hardest thing to hear. Him saying - you don't like me, my life and my dog. Because it's not true in a huge sense and true in the sense he was never prepared to make any changes or sacrifices to do what it takes to sort any propblems. Really - am I being unreasonable in voicing what I find hard and offering solutions that would make me feel better? I think the fact that it ''costs'' him to make changes is the problem. At the end of the day I guess I have to just take it... "He's not that in to you..." Ouch

 

It's over isn't it. I still feel that it was my fault fo not being tolerant of someone else. My weaknesses. My mistakes...

 

I've looked at a place to move to today, it's run down and but very cheap with 3 friendly people living there. I can move in straight away. Just nervous about it.... I don't want to land the people in the house with an emotional wreck as a new housemate! I need to be quick if I want such a bargain... I'm scared... My mum has said I can stay with her but I'm afraid we will very quickly piss each other off and I don't need to be falling out with my mum as well as this, plus there really is no room, v v little. She loves having me here but I don't want any conflict with her. Our relationship is good but we are both quite sensitive. But... I will be very lonely in the new place.... I just keep thinking back to my last breakup just over 2 and a half years ago - I became so depressed, I can't bear to go through that again.... any thoughts? Promise I will shift this over to Coping after this.

 

Thanks .xxxxxxxxxxxx no really! xxxxxxxxxx

 

Oneheat I'm really sorry that things turned out this way for you.

 

I guess from his perspective, you should love him with all this baggage and this ex person as well, without complaint and he's not going to change to become someone you could love. Without realising of course, that in order to be loved, the other half has to feel loved and secure, hard when there's always another woman waiting there in the wings, hard when he already lied about the nature of their relationship to you before coming clean.

 

It does sound like on his side this has been building up for a while. That he too for what ever reasons has been unhappy. Otherwise, he would say 'I should have set some boundaries, I will now' and not just agree to end things.

 

The thing is, you weren't trying to change him, you were trying to set your own boundaries as to what behaviours of his were acceptable or not. You can't change people, but you can lay how you feel on the line and see if they decide themselves that they need to change something and he didn't take that opportunity. At the end of the day he's all 'don't try to change me baby', while expecting you to change, change into someone who is not jealous or insecure regarding a very strange set-up with his ex.

 

Great that you found somewhere else to live so soon. Just warn them all, 'the reason I'm moving in is that I've just split up from my long term boyfriend, so I might not be as chatty as I would normally' or some such.

 

Now comes the hard bit. I can see you are doubting yourself already for bringing this up with him, but really, the level of your uncomfortable-ness with the dog/ex scenario would have come to a head at some point, with the same result, him saying he's not going to set any boundaries with her and take it or leave it, and you would have wasted maybe another year of your life.

 

The general advice is to go no contact until you are feeling stronger emotionally. You might not be lonely in the new place, there's 3 friendly people there, even if the last thing you feel like is company, it actually helps, forces you to interact with others and serves as a distraction. Try to focus on the course you are doing and the other good things in your life, so that you feel like while this relationship has ended that you are still forging ahead with your life.

 

my thoughts are with you. It will get better, promise.

[oneheart]

He also committed a huge breach of trust by hiding his relationship with her for six months.He waited until he had you hooked in before he told you. It smacks of manipulation.

 

Here is the one things I learnt. We moved in together straight away and I didn't know what I was letting myself in for. I think what he proabably thought was that there was no need to mention his ex. She was irrelavant. Of course... that is the way he thinks. That is him. Not thinking of me. I don't think he did it to hook me. But I was hooked by then. Your point highlights to me the importance of getting to know someone before you 'get hooked'. It was a risk I took and hoped for the best. Love is a risk every time and I still think even if I hadn't moved in staight away this issue would have aisen at some point. However, you can be sure I will be making my boudaries clear at the start when I meet the next man!

 

That also shows that he darn well knew it could be an issue, so for him to label you as "being ridiculous" is absurd.If it "wasn't a big deal...."

I think once he knew it was a big deal he just ducked and dived.... to keep what he wanted.

 

Essentially he denied you your right to make an informed assessment about who you were investing in.

Exactly.

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurting now, but you will heal.

 

Thanks .....

 

If anyone has 5cents on what to do about moving????....

[2sunny]

Here is the one things I learnt. We moved in together straight away and I didn't know what I was letting myself in for. I think what he proabably thought was that there was no need to mention his ex. She was irrelavant. Of course... that is the way he thinks. That is him. Not thinking of me. I don't think he did it to hook me. But I was hooked by then. Your point highlights to me the importance of getting to know someone before you 'get hooked'. It was a risk I took and hoped for the best. Love is a risk every time and I still think even if I hadn't moved in staight away this issue would have aisen at some point. However, you can be sure I will be making my boudaries clear at the start when I meet the next man!

 

 

I think once he knew it was a big deal he just ducked and dived.... to keep what he wanted.

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

 

 

Thanks .....

 

If anyone has 5cents on what to do about moving????....

 

you are correct - he was leading the relationship with a lie. then he did the cover up thing with you (more lies)... then he's mad that you aren't willing to put up with his lies.

 

whoa! who said you are so wimpy that you need to put up with a guy that is willing to put the happiness of your relationship at risk because he expects YOU to put up with HIS lies?

 

if he'd just been honest... but he proves with his actions that he's just not capable of simply being honest.

 

he is willing to offer you crap for a relationship - nowhere does it show in a healthy relationship that because he lies - you need to like it. he's still asking you to like the lies - it's just not enough when things are supposed to be great. he is his own worst roadblock to a healthy relationship. the guy isn't capable of honesty - to himself or to someone else.

 

the relationship was doomed from the start because of the method he operates under. you can't build a happy and healthy relationship on lies and deception. it just never looks happy.

 

you saved yourself by showing him that his method of operating isn't good enough. this is huge for you. to settle now would be to show him that his lies are ok and he can treat you like crap - which will never end up looking happy for you.

 

be strong - you are doing great! you deserve a great man who will not lead with the lies and expect you to be happy about it. life is just too short for that nonsense.

[Stung]

In my opinion, you should take the house with the three flatmates. Tell them you're moving because of a breakup, they will understand your being a bit moody, but the companionship will be good for you, force you to come out of your shell a bit.

 

To be honest, it seems like you struggle a bit with independence, assertiveness and decisiveness; moving back in with your mother could be a huge step backwards for your personal development, at this stage. I think that what made your Ex unhappy was that you were starting to stand up for and assert yourself, he was counting on your compliance. It's hard to know over a forum, of course, but he seems like a controlling type of man, uncompromising, unempathetic, keeping one woman on a ten-year-long multi-continental leash and another one at home but under his financial control, refusing to be challenged or to examine his motives. Now he has you second-guessing your perfectly normal reactions, doubting that setting boundaries for your own emotional wellbeing was even a reasonable thing to do. I wonder how much more undermining to your confidence it might be, moving back into your childhood home.

 

Just my two cents. For what it's worth, I hope your newly-discovered assertive self continues to blossom. I think in the end you will like the results, although there are always growing pains along the way.