Can I ask him to set boundaries with his ex?

[2sunny]

Thanks crazymagnet - I appreciate your support here! Absolutely. I think what 2sunny is failing to see is that I have and continue to make a better life for myself. I don't have to drop him to do that, I'm doing it anyway.

 

2sunny - please stop ranting about cheating! right now I think myself and crazymagnet are being cautious not stupid. You can warn us about all the things that happen to other people - but you have to give each case it's merit and though a certain amount of light thrown on others people's experiences is worthy, they aren't cheating on us now. I just feel that you have taken these situations to an extreme, to a place where they are not at. Take a few steps back, we're over here in the place where people try and stay with the guy that means something to them and will try and do what they can to make it work. I feel like my post has been a bit hijacked by it all!

 

Crazymagnet - good luck.. I'm off to think about what realistic boundaries there are... and 2sunny, it is possible that people will set boundaries for someone else..... whether he is one of them I don't yet know, but I can tell him mine.....

 

 

major jump to major assumptions... all in bold. you cannot assume that another person is doing as you think they are.

 

ummmm, i wasn't ranting about cheating at all... i was posting about boundaries, which is what you asked for.

 

you have blinders on - that is apparent by your defensive response... might wish to take a look from an unemotional perspective to get a better view.

 

i'll stop posting here as you aren't willing to be open minded enough to look at the full perspective and possibilities that are being pointed out to you. never rule anything out... never.

[oneheart]

hooray!

i'll stop posting here

 

I'm sorry I didn't agree with everything you said 2sunny!

[Crazy Magnet]

Oneheart--so many people here jump to the doom and gloom right away and assume the worst. Not EVERY man is out there cheating and not every girl is playing games.

 

No relationship is going to be perfect. The key is to decide what level of imperfection you are willing to accept. For me, some things are more acceptable if I know the guy isn't LTR material. In those cases I look the other way on some things that I'd never look the other way on in a husband. Like this "date" with an ex gf thing. If a woman would allow that in a fiance or husband, she can feel free to post below. And when penguins start to fly, I'll accept it too.

 

I guess some questions for you are what kind of relationship is this for you? What do you want to be the end result? If you left him, are you willing to never see or speak to him again? What is your life like without him? Are you happy about EVERY other aspect of this man other than his freak ex gf/dog situation. And have you ever ask him what's going to happen when the dog dies b/c dogs don't live forever!

[paddington bear]

It's the emotional connection that's the problem here, as in 'cheating' but emotionally - that's why the other female friends are no problem, they are in an appropriate place in his life. This woman is not.

 

OP don't doubt yourself sending that text to her on Valentine's. Why are you regretting that? She needs and needed to be put in her place, and if your boyfriend won't do it, it's up to you to fight your corner. It was totally inappropriate of her to do that and it might make her think twice about doing such a thing in the future.

 

She also deserves whatever is coming to her from you due to blanking you on second meeting. So, she's (in combination with your boyfriend) ruining what could be a decent, healthy relationship and she blanks you??? If anyone should be blanking anyone, you should be blanking her, she's the third wheel here. Ultimately though, you can blame her all you want, it's your boyfriend's feelings towards her that are the problem whether that be a duty or a desire or whatever - as an ex and as a long-time friend she could push as much as she wanted to keep him in her life as much as possible and he could gently show her that she was still important to him, but that things have changed and he hasn't done that.

 

My honest thoughts on this situation is to dump him and move on - which I suspect you may do, but not for a long time yet. Don't feel rushed. It takes time to process all this stuff. I take too long always and regret it, but ripping the plaster off too quickly can lead to doubts and regrets, you want to be sure of yourself.

 

It's easy for the posters here, as it is in real life, to see the reality of a situation when you hear the bare bones of it, basically: you are with a man who wants you, but has some emotional connection to another woman that he will not relinquish despite the fact that it is affecting your relationship. He has convinced you that you have to go along with this, otherwise you will lose him.

 

I know all too well that when you yourself are the one in the situation, it's much, much harder to see clearly because of the emotional involvement and the good times that do exist. All I'll say is that every damn time I've mentioned to friends about certain guys and they've said 'you should dump him' or 'he's stringing you along' or whatever, I have SO not wanted to hear that, wasn't willing to believe it. They were always right because they could see in from the outside, whereas my emotions totally clouded my judgement.

 

It's good that you are studying away for a few days per week so that you have a life of your own, with your own friends, your own thing. Living and working with someone means you get totally bound up in each other's lives in too many areas and sometimes that's not such a good thing, you become totally dependent and forget that you are two individuals who have made the choice to be together.

 

All I can say is that I've had 2 'cake-eaters' in my time and they messed totally with my head, making me feel guilty and mistrustful for being uncomfortable with the nice little set-up they'd made for themselves and I went along with it, thinking I was being selfish or whatever, and trying to choke down feelings of insecurity and bad gut feelings, and ultimately no amount of the good times made up for those bad feelings the were for me anyway, more dominant.

 

Now that I'm away from that kind of influence and made a conscious choice (i.e. set some firm boundaries for myself and what I will and won't tolerate) things have got better, my relationships with men have got healthier and I see my relationships to these men with a whole new perspective, only because finally I have a contrast as to how I should be treated, and what is 'normal'.

[oneheart]

Crazymagnet thanks again for your support. In your perspective of men behaving this way in a marriage - that would be like a living hell and that is something I will think about. After all, I do want to get married and have kids. I wanted it to be with him... well, my intention was/is with him if things worked out you know, I wouldn't walk down the aisle in this state! I think mostly apart from this dog/ex gf situation I am happy enough to stay. It's not perfect outside of that but it's enough for me to be happy with, well, certainly for now anyway. As for the dog dying... I'm not sure what his answer would be. When I have gathered all the insightful thoughts of the very kind people here like yourself, along with my own and put the picture to him of how things are for me, I'll give him a few days to think about things. Then I'll ask the what happens when the dog dies question... so many people have asked me that it's almost making me laugh now. Thanks CM.

 

Paddington Bear I'm so glad you came back. You seem to have this situation and me down to a tee and I am sincerely grateful for your time and kindness. You really help to clarify things - I guess maybe because you've been here! I don't know what will happen, you are right, maybe I will leave him but I am not ready now. I would rather wait until I feel sure - it is at least a well considered and decisive action and I wont go back desperate and undignified, nor suffer long days and nights of wondering if I had made a mistake. I am aware that people are telling me to leave him, and I know that where things are now, right in the middle of a crisis - I can't see things completely objectively and I really appreciate your suppport on this part.

 

I spoke to him tonight - I asked him if he had heard from his ex. He said no. I said "But you will have to speak to her in a couple of days time wont you?". "Why's that?" he said. "Because the dog is going to her mum's at the weekend and you always tell her when he is going there." "Do I? I don't need to tell her. I wasn't going to." "You told her last time." "Did I?" And I repreated the text to him that he sent, he said he couldn't remember. Then it occurred to me - actually, maybe he is glad I sent her that text because I did something that he hasn't got the balls to sort out himself. Maybe that's why he hasn't gone crazy over all this. She probably will think twice. He says I behaved "poorly". But maybe I don't regret it. It needs sorting and that was the first big brave step into the reality of the situation instead of a continuation of lots of hypothetical arguments for the past 18 months.

 

I have recalled that a while back he said to me that I can sort out the dog arrangements with just her mum and he nor his ex have to be involved. Well - maybe this is a bit of back up here. Because if it is really just about the dog that he stays in touch.... then surely he will be happy to cut contact with her completely. Because it would only ever be about me and her mum. Is he cornered now? Is it her or the dog? But I think everyone is thinking that it all needs to stop to be truly over.

 

Forgive me if I am still being leniant with him. Because part of me believes he doesn't love her or want her and that there isn't really anything much going on for him at all, it's just he hasn't got the balls to face her and tell her THERE'S NO HOPE! and he wants a conveinient dog sitter. She is a nut case by the way. I think he is afraid of her, afraid of upsetting her - and probably afraid of losing a dog sitter and the plan B girl and ego boost. But I don't think he is actually conciously aware of that... I think he probably feels it as some kind of thing he doesn't want to lose but he can't quite explain it - he doesn't want her but.....

 

 

She is unstable and he has described as such, in a manner of speaking. She irritates him. BUT - they have history - he says - she helped out when no one else could.. blah ablh ablh.... of course she did - because she is in love with him. Is he blind? No of course he's not. He's just afraid of losing all the extras ... proabably.

 

I think they both need to look to other friends for support in their lives and not each other anymore.... he certainly does if he wants to be with me.

 

I really am not sure how I will tackle this yet.

 

I just called him. He says I have blown everything up all out of proportion. (Maybe I have?) Says I need to study harder and get another job and stop focusing on this. T*** Doesn't think there is anything to talk about... now he's pissed off. This is more like normal.... great. I think he is drunk too. (Working away tonight, been in the bar with his workmates).

 

More pain...for days whilst he is busy in work and I am studying and he will be too busy to talk.... great... Maybe I wont bother calling or coming home before he goes away on Sunday for 4 days. I'll just leave a note of all the conversations I have had on here printed out for him to read. Maybe in the meantime I will just take up the idea of a date with someone else (just a coffee, nothing complicated) ... I could probably do with the thinking space and time... and to see just what is out there without this baggage of his that he is failing to notice is attached to him..... and failing to notice me.

[oneheart]

I have spoken to him breifly this morning. He still says that this is all in my head and there is nothing going on. He hung up on me several times whilst I was trying to get him to commit to a time to talk about things. When I told him that there would be plently to read when he came home that will tell him where I am with all this he said he wouldn't read it and he could guess what it said. He said he is tired of this and me being this way.

 

I told him if he wont even listen then I am gone and it is clear where his priorities lie. Eventually he did give me a time to talk after I said - look if you want to finish with me then you can do it when we talk - he said we'll talk tonight.

 

I can't help but feel that he is half right. This does seem like something that we ignore most of the time. The consensus seems to be saying that what he is doing with his ex is wrong. He is saying today she is just his friend. That is what he has always said. I feel that nothing probably is going on for him - but I feel it is going on for her. I think the thing that keeps coming to my mind is

 

It crosses the boundary from 'ex' into some other fuzzy, confusing, not-one-thing-but-not-quite-the-other. All if which is fine, except that he's with you now and rather than breaking up 10 years ago, sounds to me like he broke up right before he met you. But hasn't in fact broken up because he's still in constant contact with her. Never cut the cord properly for whatever reason (and I'm not buying the dog excuse, no matter how much he loves it).

 

Things did not really end between them and I feel she is still clingng by sending that message on Valentine's, ignoring me, etc etc. I just feel that is something that hard to have around. I feel like I am just being jealous and untrustworthy which is wrong. From what he says, there is nothing to tell me about her. He is with me not her. I just can't get him to see that she is still clinging to him. I really believe she is. As for whether he is clinging to her... I don't know why he stays friends. I'm not sure if it is all the plan b. I think they are used to each other and how their relationship is, on and off. Just now its off and he never wanted anything more from her but casual sex and friendship. Now he just wants the friendship because she is a friend and he has me. He cares about her. I'm not sure if you can say he cares about her more than me. He cares about both of us and obviously wants to be with me and keep her as a friend. Surely it's bad of me to make him chose?

 

Ouch this hurts so much

[paddington bear]

You are not making him choose, you are making it clear that as it stands you are not comfortable with the level of intimacy between them and that something needs to change. You are saying that the reason this issue keeps coming up over and over is that you've addressed it, his reply is 'we're just friends, you're over-reacting' but that that has solved nothing. Nothing has changed, that's the key thing here. He didn't pick up the phone to her and say 'look I love Oneheart and I want to make a go of it, and while I value our friendship, I also don't want to jeopardise my relationship with her, so while I of course, still want you in my life, it will have to be less so than before, as otherwise things are confusing'.

 

When you talk to him tonight stand your ground, don't let him convince you that you are a drama queen, being unreasonable and making too big a deal of this. Say "yes, I have thought about that, I have examined and questioned myself and I know you say she's just a friend, however, I think she still has feelings for you and it is making me feel very insecure" and point out whatever examples, the blanking, the V day text and just the sustained contact.

 

On another point, it is obvious that she wants something more from him, and actually, perhaps he's trying to be just nice and not cut her out of his life forever, but...he's not being fair on her either. Him still being able to talk to her about 'everything' and keeping in regular contact with her, means that she never has the time and space to realise that he and her are going nowhere.

 

The No Contact rule that is much mentioned on LoveShack should have been applied between them, until she was over him totally and could just be a friend and behave like a friend. You can't be truly friends with someone until both parties have achieved proper closure. Expecting her to have closure when he was with her up to the time he met you is expecting too much of her, particularly when he's now giving her mixed signals.

 

Don't forget to talk in terms of 'I feel' rather than accusations. When you say things like...it makes me feel. When she sends you texts on Valentine's Day looking for attention it makes me feel angry, like there's a 3rd person butting into what should be a romantic day for you and me'.

 

He will try to make out like all this is your problem that you are jealous and reactionary and don't trust him. Forewarned is forearmed, be aware of this and stand your ground and just keep repeating that the situation makes you feel very, very uncomfortable and what is he actually going to DO about it. Telling you she is 'just a friend' is not taking action, it is not addressing the issue in any way at all.

 

Best of luck

[oneheart]

Bloody hell PB you are so kind!

 

I'm not sure how tonight will go, I have a feeling he will still be so hot tempered about it. I might even give him a day or few days to calm down. I'm going away for 2 nights and back on the third night. I might leave a short note saying what you have said rather than a big long letter that he probably can't face to read.

 

You really have a talent and wisdom for helping me here. You are helping me to temper what is going on rather than it being complete chaos. I feel it's actually him turning into chaos! Instead he could just be talking. But he he shouting, acusing, hanging up.... your words are helping me get perspective. It doesn't have to be chaos. Thanks....

 

Of course there's a little chaos going on in my mind, but I think it's healthy chaos... kind of daydreaming about staying away for a month maybe....

 

anyway.. one step at a time. I should actually have a really nice day today seeing 3 different friends and then my mum and her lovely fiance tonight.

 

No doubt I'll be back. Hope you have a lovely day..... thanks

[2sunny]

he's angry for a reason. when there's nothing to hide, people hide nothing. why all the secrecy from the start if he wants a healthy relationship?

 

he kept you as his secret from her for a reason, why? he kept his relationship with her a secret from you for a reason.

 

he needs to ask himself why he's been hiding the truth from both of you; then he needs to share those reasons with you if you are to continue dating. if it's this hard to get him to be honest - i'd be questioning the value in your future mainly because of the level of trust in him to be forthcoming.

[Crazy Magnet]

He will try to make out like all this is your problem that you are jealous and reactionary and don't trust him. Forewarned is forearmed, be aware of this and stand your ground and just keep repeating that the situation makes you feel very, very uncomfortable and what is he actually going to DO about it. Telling you she is 'just a friend' is not taking action, it is not addressing the issue in any way at all.

 

Best of luck

 

 

Why yes, he will do that. I brought the topic up again with my BF last night and that was his exact reaction. He doesn't want to change, so I guess he'll try to make it seem like my problem, when in fact HIS behavior is the problem. I don't feel any jealous or insecurity towards this ex of his. What I want is RESPECT from him. He knows that by insisting he sees her every week he hurts me every week. I often wonder how he is ok with knowingly hurting me over and over and over, the girl he says he loves, but he will not hurt her by telling her that they need to only hang out every few weeks. Who does it look like is more important, the ex? Or me?

 

I don't think my own requests of toning it down are unreasonable. I would not mind if they chose to talk on the phone every week and then chose to catch up over lunch every few weeks. That I would be better with, but "no" is all I ever get.

 

So what...I marry him one day and he leaves me alone with the kids to go hang out with her? Yeah, right!!

 

I'll never understand why people think there is NO change involved in a relationship. Everyone has to change some things if they really want things to work out.

 

Until he figures it out, I'll continue to guard my heart and not take down all my walls. What's the point if he's just going to choose her in the end? While I would prefer to date someone with a realistic chance of marriage in the end, I think I'm still at the point in my life where I don't HAVE to be in that kind of relationship. I know I have to move one more time for professional reasons. If he's not the marrying kind, I'll move sooner rather than later and be ready to start over in a new place. I can't say that's my first choice, but what other choice would I really have?

[paddington bear]

He knows that by insisting he sees her every week he hurts me every week. I often wonder how he is ok with knowingly hurting me over and over and over, the girl he says he loves, but he will not hurt her by telling her that they need to only hang out every few weeks. Who does it look like is more important, the ex? Or me?

 

Openheart should re-read this bit.

 

I feel for you both. It's a s****y situation for both of you.

[freestyle]

One heart:

 

 

I didn't discover this thread until today, otherwise I would have been chiming in with CM and PB, and 2Sunny has offered sound advice aswell.

 

I've been in a very similar situation with my bf having a long-standing female friend who was not cool to me at all.........she actually said a lot of uncool things to me when my bf was out of earshot, then didn't own up to it.(painting me out to be a liar)

 

So, i know what you're going through, and your concerns are absolutely justified.

 

I want to give you some advice before you have your discussion with him tonight.........

 

Write him a letter first, take the time to figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it.If you want him to really see things from your point of view, you're going to need to present your case calmly, rationally.

Be prepared for him to play the "you're jealous and insecure" card. He already has, and he'll do it again.

 

(how nice of him to make it out like it's all your problem...)

 

Anticipate what his counterarguments are going to be, and be prepared to answer them.

 

Don't allow your feelings to be invalidated.If he truly loves you the way he claims to, then your feelings and peace of mind should be important to him...............and they should take precedence over every other relationship in his life.

 

I would ask him, also, if the other women he's dated since the two of them split up ten years ago have been okay with this arrangement.

Gee, where are they now???

[Crazy Magnet]

Don't allow your feelings to be invalidated.If he truly loves you the way he claims to, then your feelings and peace of mind should be important to him...............and they should take precedence over every other relationship in his life.

 

I would ask him, also, if the other women he's dated since the two of them split up ten years ago have been okay with this arrangement.

Gee, where are they now???

 

That's the money question of the century. Has any girl (or guy) popped up on this thread and said "Why of course I'd be ok with this situation!!" No, not one. And all the men who keep pointing at us, claiming we are the weird, jealous and insecure ones would be smart to wise up and realize NOBODY else out there is agreeing with them.

 

I had a very long talk with my own ex BF today. (Oh, it was so weird to go to him with this problem....but I digress). Even that guy told me that was completely inappropriate and that he would NEVER do that to his current GF. He would NEVER insist on seeing me one a week out of respect for me. He was basically like "No offense, but she's way more important to me now." That's how it should be IMO anyway.

 

Yeah, once you started feeling invalidated it all goes down hill. I've brought my own issue up about three times now, each time I've been completely invalidated. So naturally I'm starting to close off parts of my heart for my own protection. I know that in the end the pain will be too much for me and I'll end it, and I told him as much. He didn't really have much of a reaction to that. But if he's willing to lose me to keep his weekly meeting with an ex, I don't care how good of a "friend" she is, then is he really worth all the pain I'd put myself through?

[meerkat stew]

In your shoes 1. Friends of either sex who are obviously undermining the relationship and have a pattern of it have to GO, very firm boundary. 2. Exes where there is still sexual tension have to GO. 3. Friends who are exes, especially when there has been significant FWB activity whom your SO wants to keep to themselves and not involve them as a friend of the relationship have to GO. 4. The dog is an excuse for both of them.

 

Who knows the extent of her undermining your relationship that you never see, but it is likely significant.

 

Your BFs immature way to avoid discussion by hanging up the phone on you repeatedly is unacceptable. Does he use this tactic with other issues?

 

Sorry you are in this situation. If you want him to truly value your relationship, you must demand that he choose in this situation, and stick by your guns. If he chooses her, or even complains about it, he isn't quality, not worth your time, and you can do better.

[TaylorJayne]

There really is something wrong with a person who keeps up a relationship with an ex, especially if its hurting you (and why wouldnt it) You are not crazy or jealous and they know it- they are just trying to put the fault on you. The hardest part for you is that you are feeling rejected by him due to his actions, and the more it happens the more insecure you will become. I'm so sorry you are going through this....and somehow you are the one who have to give the ultimatum and show him that you will not be walked all over. You dont deserve that.....if you don't find the strength and give him that ultimatum, it will only continue.......

 

Dont sell yourself short, believe I completely understand what you are going through. When I gave my boyfriend the "ultimatum", he told me everything and he turned his back on them (I know more than 1) but its too late.

 

Also, telling you that you are the jealous one, is just a control thing for him, I bet he is the jealous one. This is emotional abuse.

[Serena2009]

Hi Oneheart

 

I can't help but feel that he is half right.

 

Don't buy into his justification. In your own words:

 

Things did not really end between them

 

Herein lies the problem! Your issue is valid because of this!

 

and I feel she is still clingng by sending that message on Valentine's, ignoring me, etc etc. I just feel that is something that hard to have around. I feel like I am just being jealous and untrustworthy which is wrong. From what he says, there is nothing to tell me about her. He is with me not her. I just can't get him to see that she is still clinging to him. I really believe she is. As for whether he is clinging to her... I don't know why he stays friends. I'm not sure if it is all the plan b.

 

She may be clinging, but he is keeping her on the hook as well. He may be with you, but he's not "all in" with you because he's still maintaining an emotional connection with her. Like you said above, "Things did not really end between them" and this is the reason for your jealousy.

 

I think they are used to each other and how their relationship is, on and off.

 

Bingo!! These two have had an ongoing on again/off again relationship for 10 years that has not really ended between them. They wander about exploring other relationships and involving themselves with others at various levels and then reconnect as a couple and they've been doing this for 10 years. There is no doubt that their ongoing relationship has an influence on every other relationship they become involved in. Have you ever wondered what kind of influence she is having on him in regard to you? You said yourself she's clinging to him . . . and you know how women can be when they're fighting another woman for a guy . . . the little seeds they can so coyly plant in the guys mind . . . something to think about.

 

Just now its off and he never wanted anything more from her but casual sex and friendship. Now he just wants the friendship because she is a friend and he has me. He cares about her. I'm not sure if you can say he cares about her more than me. He cares about both of us and obviously wants to be with me and keep her as a friend. Surely it's bad of me to make him chose?

 

This does not sound like an innocent friendship even though he may be fooling himself into believing it. His relationship with her doesn't sound like it was just casual sex and friendship, it sounds like there was/is an emotional bond as well. It's one thing when people breakup and at a later date become friends with no sex involved, it's yet another when they have a cycle of breaking up and reconnecting as romantic partners. I highly doubt that you would be having these feelings if he'd broken up with her, spent some time apart, reconnected as friends and never engaged romantically again.

 

Ouch this hurts so much

 

I know it hurts. It hurts A LOT!! Trust your instincts. Don't be fooled. Most of all, take care of yourself!

[boogieboy]

She may be clinging, but he is keeping her on the hook as well. He may be with you, but he's not "all in" with you because he's still maintaining an emotional connection with her. Like you said above, "Things did not really end between them" and this is the reason for your jealousy.

 

He is keeping her on the hook just in case you dont work out. When you leave, he goes right back to her, his backup. let her have him. She was probably his FWB right up until he met you. Thats why she is still hanging on. I dont buy his 2 years nonsense.

 

He doesnt want to stop stringing her along, that speaks volumes about how he views your relationship. he's not seeing you as long term, so you need to get out now.

 

Unless of course you can convince him to cut her out entirely, which he will resent you for (not saying hes right though).

[oneheart]

Thanks to everyone who has contributed here... I'm really touched. Complete strangers and you all have been so kind to spend some time helping me.

 

I haven't spoken to him yet. There has been so many valid points made here it's taking me a while to process it all in my mind and heart and I want to do that before I speak to him or write to him. It's also painful, there are a lot of painful realistations going on for me here. Of course he must have had an attachment to her to keep sleeping with her. FWB aren't completely without feelings and it's clear she has feelings for him now. Ok he may not have wanted a relationship that is fully committed to her but there is and was obviously an emotional connection - it is no way an unemotional connection going on with her. Guys - you may think I'm dumb but this is news to me. All this time I have been trying to understand him and what he says, tried to trust and believe him seeing the fault as mine. I think with your help this is building a picture of likely possibilities. I think I have just been trying to put certain thngs out of my head because he has told me they are wrong.

 

I could so easily go mad and just tell her to get lost. I thought (ok I'm not really going to do this) I could tell her the things he has said to me about her... like, nothing is going to happen again, he is committed to me, he is not and never has been interested in her... etc but it's pointless.

 

There are a couple of things I feel I must clarify over this situation - although I'm not sure of it really changes things much, but I just want to be fair to him. They only speak every few weeks. What my bf actually says is that he can talk to her about ANYTHING not he talks to her about everything. He tells me they don't talk about anything other than work and the dog and I guess .. everything but me. I get the impression from him they really aren't deep converations about feelings... he doesn't as you can see really do feelings and I can't imagine he is a completely different person with her suddenly with emotional ability and comapssion! When I have heard them speak on the phone her voice is always really loud.. and he seems to be slighty off with her. Whether this is just a show for me I don't know but he has said to me often that she is 'hard work'. Maybe I can tell her that too (I know - not really.)

 

I'm not sure even what to say when he says 'you are just jealous'. The point where I am at now is that I have to ignore that comment and tell him that that comment is not solving the problem. He really has to listen to me and what I am saying here and care about how I feel and how I feel is that he is not committed to me as long as he is in touch with her. Does he care it hurts me over and over? If it comes down to the issue of the dog has nowhere to stay - to me I will do anything to help him find somewhere else for the dog - because we really cannot lose the relationship over a practical issue - the dog has nowhere to stay.

 

Of course there are plenty of places for the dog to stay! But this is the place that is easiest, best and happiest. The dog does occassionally stay with another firend if it's for a few days, but at his ex's he can leave him there for weeks no problem whatsoever. His ex's mum (retired and always available) adores the dog and is good company for her whilst his ex is away. You see, he will say that I am taking the dog away from them, which I know I kind of am, kind of not BUT I do have a heart and I do feel sad for them about this. He feels bad asking his other friend about the dog staying there, and it's true that is not as convienient as they go abroad a lot. Kennels he won't even consider... apart from me leaving my bf over his love for his dog, and people ARE crazy over dogs and he is one of them, does anyone have an idea of what I can offer as a suggestion to him for this?

 

Not on a dog note, this is also an interesting place, because the relationship has been deeply effected on all sorts of small, big and hidden ways by this like a trickle of sickness in the relationship. If he did commit to me and ditched her, the relationship could possibly be so great... really - what a relief it would be.

 

I have thought about saying that if he can show me evidence (email proabably) that he has told her all the necessary things that break that emotional attachment - I would TRY but could not promise that I will stay. Because it would take time for me to trust him and the commitment he has made to me. He does get in occassional contact with other ex's which still upsets me, but as I do the same, tho not reminiscing just how are ya type thing, I think if the trust and commitment was there this really wouldn't bother me.

 

The key word to me here is commitment I think and with commitment it will build trust. Without commitment the trust won't come, it will be blind trust and I will stumble every now and again and that sickness will remain. I might take another day to think about things taking in what has been said and getting ready to present it to him. I think eventually he will listen to me... and then he will decide. He'll probably, as usual be defensve, angry and frustrated first... then when he has calmed down he will probably listen... but whether he will talk to me..... ?

 

I'm not so weak to stay here. I am 32 and I want a family whilst I am still young. If this commitment just isnt there - then there is no point staying no matter how much it hurts to go. And what a shame because he has a girl who is very dedicated to him.....

 

I'll keep you informed and thank you so much everyone.

[oneheart]

just a quick thought too - I think he is reluctant to cut contact with her because the dog will have nowhere to stay ....BUT because our relationship is not exactly strong, he feels that if he cuts her off and we split up - what is he going to do with the dog then?

 

BTW - the dog is old but fighting fit. If it did die he would be getting another one - although, I think he would be more willing for it to go into kennels if it was a young age and could get used to it.

 

I know it seems I may have gone off track talking about the dog - but these are the things he is going to be saying back to me.

Edited February 17, 2010 by oneheart
added a bit

[TaylorJayne]

Oneheart- so what if he tells you you're jealous, you have reason to be. Im sorry but he is lying to you. my ex (of only one week cause I just left him) said the same things about the women from his past. It should not be happening, you need to put boundries on yourself not him. You need to give him an ultimatum- you wont because you dont think he will choose you over her, but he already has chosen by keeping up his relationship with her. When i gave my ex the ultimatum, he told me everything and never did I expect to hear that he had slept with them, because he said the same things; "They were difficult, needy, and he didnt really like them as a friend, they would just call him for their problems." yeah they were needy, they needed to sleep with him and vise-vera.

 

You will do the right thing when you are ready, but you need to do it for you

[oneheart]

I'm not sure specifically what you mean by he is lying to me. He is not sleeping with anyone else - all of these ex's live miles away, one is married just had her second baby or in other countries. None of them a near by. We are in constant contact and have barely spent more than a few nights apart since we got together 2 years ago. Those nights apart have been when he has been working away with his male employees (who I make breakfast for before they go off). They work til very late at night.

 

I completely trust that he is not sleeping with anyone else.

 

Now I've typed all that .. maybe you didn't mean he is lying about sleeping with ex's. Sorry if that's the case.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Buy him a puppy and tell him if he continues communication with his ex's you are gone.

 

This guy has major boundary issues that no woman with any self-respect would put up with.

[2sunny]

whether he's sleeping with her is secondary - he spends time and emotional energy on her which is intended to be spent on the relationship with you... and he's doing this willingly and asking you to be happy about that. that's back wards. he should be telling her to buzz off because he's committed to you.

 

you cannot go to her for him - HE has to be willing to do that. that would be his ACTIONS showing you that he's willing to set that boundary. if he's unwilling, you have your answer... he doesn't intend to lose her (for you).

 

he's playing a game with you and is happy to do this as long as you go along with it - at the expense of your healthy relationship - and at the risk of making you feel crazy. the fact that you are now unwilling to allow it to remain the same is just a thorn in his side - he wants you to go along with it because he likes it this way. she serves some purpose to him - whatever that may be.

 

the real question is - what do you plan to do about this?

[oneheart]

2sunny - my plan is above and still in it's formation

 

I understand what you have said - thanks

[oneheart]

just an update.. I called him to tell him I had returned the car home. I also called with the purpose of telling him that I am thinking about things and I will be ready to talk to him at some point. I also called because I wanted to ask him if he had been in touch with her since I replied to the text message.

 

The answer was "No, I don't normally contact her, she contacts me." And I believe this is true, from checking his phone frequently, to be the case. He doesn't hide things on his phone - I have found all sorts of texts from her that he hasn't deleted - I've seen his replies too and never once has there been a sign of affection, kisses etc - it's all pretty practical boring stuff from him - just not from her. So I think I can trust him here to a point. In fact - I'm not quite sure this is even ultimately about trust - it's about commitment. Ok - so I can check that he hasn't called her or text her by checking his phone bill online. Not that really have to because I actually believe him. I know there's lots of you out there that wouldn't! Ok - so just humour me, I am after all going to deal with it the best way I see fit. If it comes to it and it gets to the " well if you have nothing to hide, prove to me you haven't texted her" bit - then I will do it. Well - I will actually ask him to do it in front of me. Calmly and rationally.

 

Secondly I see this a good sign that he hasn't replied to her. He hasn't gone running to her to check she is ok, apologise or explain anything. It's like I have said before... I have done him a favour here in letting her know where she stands - I imagine she is probably upset that he let me do this. By not getting in contact with her I think he is actually sending the message to her that he is not 'there for her' in the way she wants him to be. What I didn't say is that she responded to my text back to her saying "You should know X doesn't like other people using his phone". Why is it only ever after that you think of what was a good thing to say? I should have said - "he's right here next to me". But maybe that has kind of been said by him not pusuing the situation with her. Besides - he will be too scared to call her and face her over this.

 

BUT don't think I am giving in or anything. I'm not. I still can't live with things this way and I'm not going to. It's just I have to decide my own boundaries and then give the ultimatum.