Can I ask him to set boundaries with his ex?

[oneheart]

Been with my bf 2 years. He has always been very vaugue about his ex keeping us v seperate. If you read any of my past posts you will see that instead of a child that keeps them in contact it's a dog. They only dated for 3 months ten years ago BUT they had a casual sex relationship for those 10 years that only stopped 2 years before he met me. Although they still slept in the same bed when dropping the dog off at each others houses until he met me two years ago. The reason they stopped having sex was because she said that if he got together with this one particular girl (which he did) then she wasn't up for it any more.

 

HE didn't tell her about me for 6 months . We moved in together straight away.

 

He also wasn't completely open about all the facts of their relationsip until 6 months in. (like the fact they had had casual sex for 10 years when I thought it was OVER 10 years ago).

 

 

Anyway - this man loves his dog in a way I will never understand. The dog has only ever stayed there with her at her mum's and they love the dog and it is a perfect and easy place for him to stay. He will not consider the dog going anywhere else - we split up over this in fact. I gave him an ultimatum and he just couldn't do it. I caved in and saw it was my jealousy and said ok.

 

SO - that was a few months ago. We have had couselling which helped but we only had 6 sessions. In the sessions he said she was a very good friend and he could talk to her about anything and nothing would ever happen.

 

However. Having met her twice - 1st time ok. 2nd time she completely and painfully obviously blanked me. It was obvious she has issues and resentment about me being with him.

 

Yesterday - Valentines day. He gets a text

 

"I wont call I know you are busy. Just want to know you are there"

 

I was so upset by this. I text her back saying. "Yes he is here. With me." and my name.

 

I told my boyfriend it was time to set some boundaries with his ex and felt that the text message was really inappropriate to be sending to him whilst he is in a serious relationship with me.

 

I have told him several times that I am sick of this awkwardness. I am completely open about everything - he can be a part of every single thing and person in my life I have nothing to hide or no-one's feelings to protect that comes before him.

 

I really feel she is clinging to him and I don't think he sees it at all. I don't know how I can get him to even entertain the idea.

 

I just can't tell if he loves me or not. He made me a beautiful valentines present of 2 wooden interlocking rings, symbolic of us. But then in the next breath says that there are parts of his life he wants exclusive to himself. I am 32 and my goals are to start a family before I am 40. I want it to be with him, but I'm not stupid, yes we have work to do BUT at least my ntention is with him and he says his intention is with 'the right person'. It hurts so much. I'm not asking to do everything with him. I'm not asking him to cut contact with her. Just to see that he sets some boundaries and if she is really his friend surely she will respect that?

 

I don't know what to do. If we talk about this it ends in arguments. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just quit? Any suggestions how to go about this?

 

Thanks guys.

 

 

x

[paddington bear]

Oh dear. I remember reading a previous post of yours and thinking that the dog thing was an excuse.

 

I knew someone once who called their ex an ex, but it turned out that they were still sleeping in the same bed together. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as my ex. Friends with my ex means to me that we occasionally meet for coffee, or have the odd phonecall, not sleeping in each other's beds. In the case of this person they ended up getting back with their ex, how can you not when you're continuing to lie together intimately at night discussing your lives or whatever and perhaps snuggling up to sleep together. It crosses the boundary from 'ex' into some other fuzzy, confusing, not-one-thing-but-not-quite-the-other. All if which is fine, except that he's with you now and rather than breaking up 10 years ago, sounds to me like he broke up right before he met you. But hasn't in fact broken up because he's still in constant contact with her. Never cut the cord properly for whatever reason (and I'm not buying the dog excuse, no matter how much he loves it).

 

He also says he can tell her everything, I'll bet. After 10 years I'm sure that's the case. However, if he loves you, you are supposed to be the person he shares his sorrows, hopes and dreams with, isn't that what we all want? A best friend who we also have sex with and want to have a shared future with? How can you have a future with someone when they already have someone there that they can 'tell everything to'? You are basically redundant then in some ways. His loyalties have to shift.

 

He might not want to hurt her. You might feel that you are putting him in an awkward position by getting annoyed by his continued relationship with her, but in fact, it is him who has put you in a very awkward position by expecting you to put up with this ongoing situation without complaint.

 

I can't believe she got in touch with him on Valentine's Day, it's like she's having some kind of emotional affair with him right in front of your eyes but because you are aware she's there that you are supposed to be okay with it.

 

What your boyfriend failed to mention in councelling was even if there was nothing going on between him and her, and never would, was that his relationship with her might be hurting you. What I always worry about in these situations is that the guy in this case, has a fall-back person there to go to if things don't work out. Like a plan B. If your relationship ends, he knows he can run back to her for comfort and nights sleeping over, whereas you don't have some plan B guy.

 

Has she a boyfriend or not? Do you think she might be still clinging on in there? Certainly sounds like it to me.

 

I think you'd be hard-pressed to find any woman who would actively want to put up with this situation, he's lucky you have for so long. I've read numerous dating guides and what is suggested in cases like this is to take a step back and start dating again. Tell him that since this situation is causing problems in the relationship and you feel that while he is so close to his ex, that he can never fully engage with you within your own relationship that you are going to start dating again because his behaviour has made you unsure of his intentions and feelings towards you.

 

This does not mean moving out, it doesn't mean breaking up, it does not mean you are sexual with any of the other men you might go for coffee with etc. It means not being exclusive with a man who sounds very confused and who is basically forcing you to fall into line with what he wants without compromise on his side.

 

You can't continue to pin all your hopes on him while he will not budge regarding his relationship with his ex. It means while he's visiting her and the dog, you are meeting another man for coffee, not behind his back, you tell him that's what you are doing (I guess there's a bit of 'nyah nyah, see how YOU like it' to this method too).

 

The reason you are doing this is because of HIS issues and so that a) you remind yourself there are other options out there and b) to allow him to come to his senses or not. The thought of losing you might make him think. While you say you're unhappy, but are still together with him, there is no incentive to change. If he does step up to the plate, great, you'll stop dating others, but otherwise you don't want to waste any more time with someone who seems to place his relationship with an ex and his dog above his relationship to you.

 

Perhaps you should attach another ring to your Valentine's Day gift and when he asks what that is, you can say that it is 'insert name of ex', because that's how it will always be, you, him and her.

 

I don't like the concept of people having their cake and eating it when one person is getting obviously hurt and upset, while the other is there with the cake and eating it without a care in the world.

[New_Life08]

Are you familiar with co-dependence? It is an emotional attachment they have to each other. The dog is an excuse so they do not have to let go of each other completely.

 

What are they going to do when this dog dies?

 

Anyway this is ridiculous! You have got to tell him to be a man! What is wrong with the dog coming to both of your home? Who's wishes is he complying to? What did the counselor say about this?

 

The bottom line is he has an emotional attachment to her that he cannot let go of for whatever reason. It may not be sexual at all, but involves intimacy and commitment. He down-plays your relationship...not to save her feelings so much...but, to continue his own emotional affair. Then down-plays the EA to you so you wont make him cut ties with her. Some people are not comfortable admitting they are unavailable, they thrive on the no strings attached attention they get from the opposite sex.

 

The point is... it is emotional baggage, and it reeks havoc on the trust in a real relationship. It is not healthy to separate intimate parts of your life; especially when they are kept secret from your partner. He admits she is easy to talk to...they can talk about "anything"...this is a huge red flag. She should not be his confidant, you should!

 

You need to be straight forward with him about the future of your relationship. Reality is...the relationship is going to deteriorate if this doesn't change.

 

All my best...hang in there.

[oneheart]

Thanks so much for taking so much time to reply to me. Really, to both of you this is very supportive and very caring. Thank you

 

I am so lost in it all. I see it as a real weakness of mine to not be able to deal with it. I feel like I am losing out by not being able to deal with it.

 

I never really thought of it that way

 

"All if which is fine, except that he's with you now and rather than breaking up 10 years ago, sounds to me like he broke up right before he met you. But hasn't in fact broken up because he's still in constant contact with her. Never cut the cord properly for whatever reason (and I'm not buying the dog excuse, no matter how much he loves it)."

 

it sounds frightening and fresh, fresh as in, they didn't break up that long ago and I think maybe they are more tied in together than I am realising or even he is realising. And maybe it's true. Quite insightful.

 

He does want to have both of us. He sees no problem only the one I (and she) creates. (I think he is aware that she feels uncomfortable about me). I really don't want to leave him. Apart from this issue I feel what we have is promising. But it is an issue that is important to us both. I feel he just can't see that this hurts us - I guess he wants someone who can live with it. It's just not me - maybe I just have to accept it. But I'm losing right? Aren't I the idiot? Or is it a case of if you love someone set them free (with their dog and ex).

 

I can't change with this. I've tried and I just can't live with the third person. It feels I am throwing something potentially great away...

 

If I said I was going to start dating other people I'm pretty sure he would want me out the house. I am studying and he is supporting me. Plus he's a fighter, (for what he wants, being right and the best) - if I started dating I would be afraid he might try to hurt me by dating someone else too. That might be the nail in the coffin for me...

 

Recently I made some changes in my life that seem to have him behave a bit better towards me. I stay away from home 3 nights a week now instead of being miserable and lonely waiting for him endlessly to come home, cook for him, clean, wash his clothes. My studying away has been fanstastic, I've not got a couple of girlie friends and love being round people. It's a life I feel I want and actually feels perfectly balanced to me to be there one half the week and here with him the other. We are both calmer over things, the time away and the elements of Zen I'm studying in my research have helped me a lot which means I have been able to help him a lot too. BUT - this is still only 4 weeks into this new routine.. but things have been better... until that text yesterday. Then the skeletons out of the closet came back.

 

Normally he would totally lose it over this issue of his ex and we wouldn't be speaking, but this time - he hasn't. We both know its a problem and so far no ultimatums and nothing further has been discussed and I think we are both afraid to talk about it. I think it may not have escalated because I think maybe he is wanting me a bit more now I am away in the week plus the fact I said to him all I wanted was for him to set some boundaries with her, I wasn't asking him to stop all contact and the dog not going there. It all depends on what he does about this - he just walked off at this point. When he came back in (from the garage where he was cleaning the car) he was all lovely with me... we even went to a wedding do that night and danced romantically and had a nice night. How weird....with all this going on. Maybe he thinks I am just going to forget it? I must be careful not to let this just roll his way...... again.

 

He's called me twice today to see if I'm ok which I am surprised at. I've told him I am split in two over it, loving him and being so much happier recently but not sure how we can sort this all out (because talking about it would be so painful I'm not sure how we could keep it together). But I think you are right, if I just sit and do nothing, he has no incentive to change. Even now. It feels like I must act. It feels like a game I've got to play.

 

I've (in a way) gave him an ulitmatum with the dog in the past. (see previous post). If it's an ultimatum I am giving him - I think I may as well just leave. Because the very fact the dog's 'welfare', the stress on him to find somewhere else for the dog to stay and the stress for the dog staying elsewhere, the fact it was an ultimatum he said it was over. And I really believe he had come to that conclusion.

 

I can't tell if I am just crazily jealous or normal.

 

Should I just ask for him to lay down boundaries and say fine the dog can go there still? How do I know he has done this? Or should I be calling for it all to end with her but in a kind and considerate way? And how do I do that from here? I'm not seeing him for 3 days whilst I am away studying.

 

thanks again......

x

[Crazy Magnet]

You don't sound crazy or abnormal to me. As a woman, I know I would not be ok with my BF having the type of relationship you have described. I can't think of any of my friends who would also be ok with that!

 

I do think it's important that you both discuss and set boundaries regarding his relationship with her. I can't say how successful they will be (I've run into this a few times and the men I've chatted with are either pretty dense or they don't want to see or acknowledge the problem.)

 

With the current BF, he was going and hanging out with a girl one night every week to watch a certain TV show. Although I was mostly OK with it, I became very un OK with it when I felt like she was avoiding meeting me. So I had a chat and we set some boundaries (had to meet me within a certain time, no more going to her house, etc.)

 

It turns out she was an ex, which totally changed my perception of what was going on. The only compromise I was willing to come to was inviting myself along to hang out with the two of them every time they were together. I can't say it's the highlight of my week, but it's a solution that's currently working for me. I have no idea how long it will work or if it will be a deal breaker if this R progresses to things like engagement and marriage (which is so far away at this point it's not even on the radar).

 

Perhaps my solution is one that will work for you or at leat something that you can try for a while to see if it eases your mind and let's both your BF and this ex know exactly where you stand.

[2sunny]

there are too many things that he keeps a secret for you to understand the full extent of what MAY actually be happening here...

 

his actions tell you he will still keep in touch with her - she is a priority to him. he still wants to be with you as well.

 

he looks like a cake eater - can you live with that? because he IS showing you what he is all about. he is showing you he wants emotional access to two women and a dog - and wants all of YOU to go along with his plan. he wants her to play a certain role in his life and expects you to find it acceptable as well. he does the same thing to her about you. it's a juggling act for him so he can be sure to get everything he needs. i'd bet money she is still his sex buddy - they are just unwilling to tell you the truth. you are gone at certain times = the perfect opportunity for them to stay connected - thus, the reason why SHE thinks SHE has a claim to HIM on valentine's day... make sense? start digging - you will find evidence you never saw before.

 

SO - YOU have a decision to make - YOU either put up with it all - or you don't. if you don't, then get a plan together to leave.

 

boundaries are good - you need your own - he needs his. YOU cannot force him to have a boundary that YOU want for you - he has to do that for himself.

 

personally - i wouldn't settle for half a man - which is what he's actually offering to you - are you willing to accept half a man?

 

he keeps calling to see if you're ok because he's worried you may be on to him and the actual truth you may find out. as long as he's in touch with you - he understands that HE isn't in as much trouble as HE should be. start digging - he's up to something more than he will tell you.

Edited February 15, 2010 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

and to answer your original question... YES, you can ask him to do anything you want to - HE can choose to do what HE wants about that. what he does about that is your true answer... his actions will tell you everything that his words don't.

[Green]

Been with my bf 2 years. He has always been very vaugue about his ex keeping us v seperate.

 

I think the only way you can be friends with an ex is by just being nice when you by chance see them. I would never go visit my ex or talk to any of my ex's even if I was single.

 

Your bf is cheating on you, and that is his problem and his burden.

 

Your problem is you put up with this kind of thing. You deserve so much better. I think you should just leave him, but if you want to give him a pointless ultimatum that I doubt he will follow go ahead.

 

Just imagine how drama free your life would be if you were in a relationship with a guy who wasn't going spend alone time with some girl. Wasn't having private conversations with some girl, and getting txted on V day by her.

 

If you keep letting this happen to you, then you are as much to blame as him. You deserve better.

 

With the current BF, he was going and hanging out with a girl one night every week to watch a certain TV show. Although I was mostly OK with it, I became very un OK with it when I felt like she was avoiding meeting me. So I had a chat and we set some boundaries (had to meet me within a certain time, no more going to her house, etc.)

 

It turns out she was an ex, which totally changed my perception of what was going on. The only compromise I was willing to come to was inviting myself along to hang out with the two of them every time they were together. I can't say it's the highlight of my week, but it's a solution that's currently working for me. I have no idea how long it will work or if it will be a deal breaker if this R progresses to things like engagement and marriage (which is so far away at this point it's not even on the radar).

 

Perhaps my solution is one that will work for you or at leat something that you can try for a while to see if it eases your mind and let's both your BF and this ex know exactly where you stand.

 

I remember when I made the thread about not letting your gf hang out with guy. I of course said the same applied to men, and that they shouldn't be hanging out with girls.

 

You came in the thread talking about how your bf does a weekly hang out at some womans place.

 

This man has been cheating on you like this and your solution is to compromise. Verry bad idea, first off he is still cheating on you. Second the only compromise you should be willing to have is that he completly stops contact and seeing this woman.

 

Do you really want anything to progress with a guy like this? I see this guy and the OP's guy for exactly what they are CHEATERS.

 

Its really not that hard to spot a cheater. You don't need a privat investagator or access to emails or txts... All you need is the ability to face the reality of what it means if a guy is hanging out with some girl.... Hes cheating.

[oneheart]

Thanks CrazyMagnet - it's nice to hear I'm not going mad. I have tried to get the same thing going on where we are all meeting together. The only time they see each other is when the dog is dropped off which is in a car park mid way between home and hers or she goes to his business where there are lots of people. I made a point of me being there when this happens. We did meet and it was fine, 2nd time a disaster, she totally blanked me even though I was stood right in front of her smiling waiting to catch her eye and say hi. And so followed lots of arguments and upset about it.

 

They rarely see each other, only for the dog a few times a year. But they do chat and I only know this if I ask or check his phone and it is evident. I have full access to his emails too as his business and personal are the same and I do bits of work for his business. He is not computer savvy and I check his history too. The contact is not all the time but obvioulsy there is still something going on here that doesn't work for me and what seems wouldn't work for many people.

 

2Sunny - fortunately I know it is definitely not the case they are sleeping together whilst I am away because she is currently in Australia and we are in the UK. Before this we are in constant contact all day either by phone or in person, he has NO TIME! he has his own business where I work sometimes too and he is around a lot of people all the time. I believe this is purely an emotional attachment. He is her support and her I think (though he has only asid this in counselling) she is his. But he says they only ever talk about business and work - never about us. I think she was lonley and missing him on Valentines. But still - there is only room for me and him. I still appreciate the perspective of him having his cake and having us all though. I'm starting to feel a bit of a fool about it actually. And sad too because I suppose it feels like he has never really been mine and I have given so much... probably too much. You are right - his actions will be the telling.

 

I feel like I have thrown a bit of a spanner in the works by texting her back. I have put him, her and myself in an awkward situation... well, I've made it more awkward. It's even harder to fix things from here if we are all to 'get along'. However - I know he will speak to her in the next couple of days 1)to probably sort this out 2)the dog needs to go and stay with her mum at the weekend (she lives with her mum by the way, even though she is in her early forties). He texts her to say when the dog is there.

 

I feel rushed into deciding what to do next about this. We are still speaking, things are calm BUT I need to lay it on the table, which will have him defensive straight away. I feel it is really important that his next move with her is a significant one after what I have said and done. So I need to get what I say right. I want to say something simple that states how things are with me, that will influence his actions but not leave me giving him an ultimatum I will regret giving to him. I feel far from prepared to get myself together and go... this is so unexpected in a way because everything seemed so good.... any ideas what to do... kind of quickly? I feel like I should also make it clear to him that his actions will really tell me the truth about how he feels about me.

 

thanks again all you kind people for taking the time to answer

[2sunny]

i went back and read your post from mid January.

 

YOU need to create a happy life for YOURSELF. stop depending upon HIM for everything! start depending on yourself. be a big grown up girl and start living as an independent woman would. you are doing things back wards - depending upon him to provide everything in your life and then complaining about it all.

 

stop, just stop. get out! you chose this - and YOU can choose better... now get going.

[oneheart]

Thanks for your input green. I think you may have to define cheating for me and crazymagnet. I don't agree that he is cheating. And alone time is on the phone, not meeting up with her like crazymagnet, like I say, she's not even in the same country.

 

Also when you say

If you keep letting this happen to you, then you are as much to blame as him. You deserve better.

I'm not quite sure what you mean. Keep letting what happen to me? I don't see how I am to blame for his feelings towards someone else?

 

And my boyfriend does have female friends which I have no problem with him seeing. It sounds like every interaction between a man and a woman is a cheatfest! I do have a degree of trust in my boyfriend, but this emotional attachment with her is not one I understand or one that sits comforatbly with me. Yes I like the idea of a drama free relationship alot I'm not sure it really exists tho!

 

Thanks for your shout tho green

[oneheart]

2Sunny - things have improved for me and I am pleased to say that I have taken steps to become more independant as I said earlier.

 

Recently I made some changes in my life that seem to have him behave a bit better towards me. I stay away from home 3 nights a week now instead of being miserable and lonely waiting for him endlessly to come home, cook for him, clean, wash his clothes. My studying away has been fanstastic, I've not got a couple of girlie friends and love being round people. It's a life I feel I want and actually feels perfectly balanced to me to be there one half the week and here with him the other.

 

I know you are telling me to leave (and maybe to grow up!) but I am no longer so dependant on him. I am very happy with my new developments of independance. As much as you are advising me to go where I am now is not where I was a few weeks ago and that place is not somewhere I would go back to. I feel things have improved for me (and us) - this is a skeleton I am trying to deal with in the midst of a relationship that I feel has a possibility of being a good one if we can work things out. I'm taking my steps... bit by bit... and by gaining a life for myself in studying, friends etc I feel a lot stronger. But it doesn't change my feelings for him. That's possible right?

 

thanks

[2sunny]

If you keep letting this happen to you, then you are as much to blame as him. You deserve better.

 

 

 

Also when you say I'm not quite sure what you mean. Keep letting what happen to me? I don't see how I am to blame for his feelings towards someone else?

 

 

yes, you do know... YOU can only participate in this if YOU allow YOURSELF too! YOU are allowing it.

 

he dishes it out - you tolerate it. step out of the equation = problem solved.

 

YOU cannot change HIM. YOU can only change YOU! now is it clear? it's that simple. do not make it more complicated than that by say but, but, but... those will only contradict the truth of your situation and what actually needs to be done for YOU to be happy.

 

ie:

but i love him

but i live with him

but he loves me

but he supports me financially

but i work with him

but he's actually nice

but he does actually show me loving behavior at times

but i can't leave him

but he is my whole world

 

 

move forward - become a big girl who can take care of herself and love herself enough so that she doesn't allow a man to walk all over her in order to feel loved a little bit. when you are healthy and happy on your own - you will attract the same in a man.

[2sunny]

2Sunny - things have improved for me and I am pleased to say that I have taken steps to become more independant as I said earlier.

 

 

 

I know you are telling me to leave (and maybe to grow up!) but I am no longer so dependant on him. I am very happy with my new developments of independance. As much as you are advising me to go where I am now is not where I was a few weeks ago and that place is not somewhere I would go back to. I feel things have improved for me (and us) - this is a skeleton I am trying to deal with in the midst of a relationship that I feel has a possibility of being a good one if we can work things out. I'm taking my steps... bit by bit... and by gaining a life for myself in studying, friends etc I feel a lot stronger. But it doesn't change my feelings for him. That's possible right?

 

thanks

 

and you still live with him, right? how is that good for you when you know you may need to leave him? be independent of him... to be dependent upon him for a place to live is just the same as a little girl who lives with Mommy and Daddy.

 

get busy setting up a solid independent life on your own. he knows he's got you by the balls and that's why you are willing to tolerate subpar behavior from him.

[oneheart]

Thanks for your explanation 2sunny.

 

I'm not ready to leave. I am willing to tolerate it until I can't anymore yes. I think that is what most people do. I can hear the frustration in the tone of what you say - I'm not ready to leave without trying when I feel things have been getting better.

 

He is not my whole world like I have indicated, and all those buts, though you put them in the context of being pathetic - in the context of this relationship they are all true - not false. I'm not changing him, I can't, I'm giving him the opportunity to change.

 

I'm here for opinions on boundaries and how to deal with the issue of his ex, maybe I should have been clearer.

 

As for me being dependant on him - it's not for free. I legitamately work within his business with my own role and responsibilities seperate from his. Couples do work together in business's and support each other when one is studying - and it has worked well for us. It's just one thing that will have to be addressed if we do split up which will be hard - but it's not why I'm staying. It's not about mommy and daddy..etc Its all a bit out of context of my original post.

 

 

 

Thanks anyway...

[2sunny]

Thanks Gaudi. I am not happy at all. Its the next day and I am at my sisters. I have written a list of all the things from the vitally important to the irritations ... there is a lot.

 

I know I haven't helped myself in the situation. I have been studying, he has been supporting me financially but I don't have any friends or much of a life for myself. I really have dedicated so much time to him, his needs, his businsess and hobbies. I wasn't motivated to do anything for myself. That's not attractive I know. I think if I had felt my needs were met it would have freed me to go out and have a life. I think my demise happened as I never got what I needed from him. But there is no excuse - I was in pain, I just could not pick myself up. But it just seems so beyond all possibilities that he could ever give me what I need. Is it?

 

I think I was in love with how I wanted him to be. Which he wasn't. I tried. I believe he loved me - but he was taker, not a giver (emotionally).

 

Today I have to write a proposal for a travel fund to enable me to meet a famous musician to help me with my postgrad research. I have a lot of studying to do. I'm already behind. I dont even know if it's worth doing as I have no way of paying the university fees. He has supported me 100% and I have no money whatsoever, I have no idea how I am going to live and carry on studying - the study seems like the only thing that will give me anything worth living for! It's me, my research. Independantly mine. Special. Keeps me going..

 

 

Important point. I actually ended up saying it's over on the way to the train station last night. It just came out. I didn't intend to say it... it's just after everything I was saying about why it wasn't working for me and why I was taking some time away, I was met with his usual infuriating comments, I lost my cool and said that's it. He started back tracking a bit saying he has changed since we met... (but he has said people can't change and he doesn't want to). I said it's too late. He's scared I think but in his usual way not showing it. Just the odd comment very indirectly back pedalling. Do you know this behaviour?I am trying so hard to convince myself that I must go. I am still in the danger zone..... not completely convinced yet.

 

Any advice how to get through the next few days?

 

Thanks for everyone's support so far - honestly this is really helping me get through!

 

was this not you who posted this but not a month ago?

Edited February 15, 2010 by 2sunny

[oneheart]

Yes. Thanks for your input 2sunny. I'm in a different place now with a different perspective - thank god! A much more positive one!

 

If you don't mind I'd rather keep to the topic of the post!

[2sunny]

yes, you can ASK HIM to set a boundary all YOU want. what HE does about that is HIS own business.

 

what YOU do about what HE does or doesn't do about the boundary YOU ask for is up to YOU.

 

a better way to do this though, is to set a solid boundary for YOURSELF. let's say, if it even remotely looks like he MAY be communicating with her and it makes ME unhappy - I will leave immediately with no further contact with HIM.

 

that is what a boundary would look like for YOU.

 

here's a hint... we really don't set boundaries for other people... they will always do what THEY want to - what YOU decide to do for YOURSELF is what's really important here.

[Crazy Magnet]

I remember when I made the thread about not letting your gf hang out with guy. I of course said the same applied to men, and that they shouldn't be hanging out with girls.

 

You came in the thread talking about how your bf does a weekly hang out at some womans place.

 

This man has been cheating on you like this and your solution is to compromise. Verry bad idea, first off he is still cheating on you. Second the only compromise you should be willing to have is that he completly stops contact and seeing this woman.

 

Do you really want anything to progress with a guy like this? I see this guy and the OP's guy for exactly what they are CHEATERS.

 

Its really not that hard to spot a cheater. You don't need a privat investagator or access to emails or txts... All you need is the ability to face the reality of what it means if a guy is hanging out with some girl.... Hes cheating.

 

 

I still don't think my BF is cheating on me physically. He's with me so often, that I would know when this other girl calls or texts, and for the most part she never does. I get I'm not standing over his shoulder when he's at work, and my guess is that is when he talks to her on the phone or whatever.

 

I don't honestly think I have enough data to determine if he's emotionally cheating on me. He says though that he really wants to keep the friendship and encouraged me to keep guys in my life. Well, he will get his wish, but I don't think he really knows what he's asking for. Every guy in my life wants to bang me, but so be it. He'll either figure it out or he won't. But it's not my problem to make him figure it out.

 

I think he's quite a bone head for doing what he's doing and he doesn't exactly realize what's at stake for him. He honestly thinks he's being mature by remaining friends with his ex's, even though to me, I realize that it's actually quite childish and selfish to do this for the sake of future relationships. For me, when I walk away from an R, I have to know there is a possibility to never have that person in my life again. If people aren't willing to do that, then they don't need to be breaking up IMO.

 

This doesn't mean I don't love him for his other qualities. It also does not mean that because I am dating him that I will get stuck marrying him and have to deal with it forever. My life goes forward regardless of how this guy chooses to act. I am very successful and very fulfilled with who I am and where I am going.

 

I also believe in the other thread you, or someone else, pointed out that I put up with it b/c I was afraid to put my foot down. Not so, I put my foot right on down. If he leaves me over it, it's not like there isn't a line to date me. I'm well aware of that (how aware he is I have no idea.)

 

Ultimately, I've never been afraid to walk away from an R. I've never sacrificed who I am for a man, and I'm not going to start now. I think what the OP is doing, getting her own life, is exactly what I have also done. She'll be better in the long run. She doesn't have to marry this man just b/c she loves him. Once she has her own life, she can decide if he's worthy to stay in it, just as I will one day have to make that choice.

 

If the OP's boyfriend chooses the ex over her, his loss. If my BF chooses his ex over me, very much his loss. I'm 1 in a million and so it she. And that's the attitude a girl's got to have these days to survive!

[Crazy Magnet]

yes, you can ASK HIM to set a boundary all YOU want. what HE does about that is HIS own business.

 

what YOU do about what HE does or doesn't do about the boundary YOU ask for is up to YOU.

 

a better way to do this though, is to set a solid boundary for YOURSELF. let's say, if it even remotely looks like he MAY be communicating with her and it makes ME unhappy - I will leave immediately with no further contact with HIM.

 

that is what a boundary would look like for YOU.

 

here's a hint... we really don't set boundaries for other people... they will always do what THEY want to - what YOU decide to do for YOURSELF is what's really important here.

 

 

Ah yes, all this exactly. I will one day have to finally put my foot all the way down and say choose. I'll be willing to walk if he still insists on keeping this girl around. That's my boundary. I will never marry a man who insist on this type of disrespectful behavior. Until then, I can still have a fulfilling relationship, but it will just be one where marriage is off the table.

 

Not every R has to lead to marriage.

[2sunny]

He says though that he really wants to keep the friendship and encouraged me to keep guys in my life. Well, he will get his wish, but I don't think he really knows what he's asking for. Every guy in my life wants to bang me, but so be it.

 

and this IS the heart of what is really going on. IF a guy remains friends with a gal - it's essentially to stay connected to her - most guys would never stay connected to a gal unless they essentially wanted to bang her.

 

he may not admit it out loud or even to himself - but that's it. also - it gives him a huge ego boost - one he should be getting from his primary relationship... that leaves a void in the relationship - one that hasn't been addressed... what is the void and are the two people willing to explore the void in order to repair what is wrong?

 

if not - the void always gets its' fix from outside the primary relationship - leaving the primary relationship full of holes - which makes both partners feel empty... whether they admit it or not.

[Crazy Magnet]

and this IS the heart of what is really going on. IF a guy remains friends with a gal - it's essentially to stay connected to her - most guys would never stay connected to a gal unless they essentially wanted to bang her.

 

he may not admit it out loud or even to himself - but that's it. also - it gives him a huge ego boost - one he should be getting from his primary relationship... that leaves a void in the relationship - one that hasn't been addressed... what is the void and are the two people willing to explore the void in order to repair what is wrong?

 

if not - the void always gets its' fix from outside the primary relationship - leaving the primary relationship full of holes - which makes both partners feel empty... whether they admit it or not.

 

I realize I'm about to sound over the top shallow....but unless he has some type of exceptionally large woman fetish....I don't think he'll be seeing her naked any time soon. So if he wants to bang that.....more power to him! She probably doesn't get a lot of attention for her looks.

 

I however do. Not saying that he wouldn't cheat on me b/c I'm pretty and she's not, b/c I've been cheated on before. She doesn't have any other options for male attention, so I think she clings to what she can get and makes it seem as though she needs him for things when in reality she should have made other friends since they dated to fulfill those needs.He's a giver and plays right into that. I'm a giver too, and I know it's hard to say no. I've had friends like her before.

 

I fully admit there's an unhealthy attachment going on between my BF and this chick, it's got co-dependency written all over it.

[2sunny]

I realize I'm about to sound over the top shallow....but unless he has some type of exceptionally large woman fetish....I don't think he'll be seeing her naked any time soon. So if he wants to bang that.....more power to him! She probably doesn't get a lot of attention for her looks.

 

I however do. Not saying that he wouldn't cheat on me b/c I'm pretty and she's not, b/c I've been cheated on before. She doesn't have any other options for male attention, so I think she clings to what she can get and makes it seem as though she needs him for things when in reality she should have made other friends since they dated to fulfill those needs.He's a giver and plays right into that. I'm a giver too, and I know it's hard to say no. I've had friends like her before.

 

I fully admit there's an unhealthy attachment going on between my BF and this chick, it's got co-dependency written all over it.

 

 

don't fool yourself... have you seen how many men cheat on their beautiful wives with less attractive women? if a gal pays attention to a man, feeds his ego, tells him all the things he hasn't heard his wife say in a very long time, starts touching him by flirting, etc - it's easy for any gal to manipulate a man in that regard. no matter what she looks like - she feeds the ego that needs to be fed... whether or not he participates in what she puts out there - is what determines the kind of character and integrity the man has.

[Crazy Magnet]

don't fool yourself... have you seen how many men cheat on their beautiful wives with less attractive women? if a gal pays attention to a man, feeds his ego, tells him all the things he hasn't heard his wife say in a very long time, starts touching him by flirting, etc - it's easy for any gal to manipulate a man in that regard. no matter what she looks like - she feeds the ego that needs to be fed... whether or not he participates in what she puts out there - is what determines the kind of character and integrity the man has.

 

Did you see the part where I said I'm not saying he won't cheat on me b/c I'm pretty and where I note I've been cheated on before. My exH was out banging dudes and chicks off adult friend finder. Trust me, I get it. Guys will hit whatever boosts their ego.

 

But if that's what he really wants to bang.....then he can. I'll be free to leave and find someone else. It's not a hard concept to grasp. Man cheats=woman leaves. I don't give second chances. He is free to make his own choices, and he will. I am free to make my own choices, and I will. It's like that in every relationship.

[oneheart]

Ultimately, I've never been afraid to walk away from an R. I've never sacrificed who I am for a man, and I'm not going to start now. I think what the OP is doing, getting her own life, is exactly what I have also done. She'll be better in the long run. She doesn't have to marry this man just b/c she loves him. Once she has her own life, she can decide if he's worthy to stay in it, just as I will one day have to make that choice.

 

Thanks crazymagnet - I appreciate your support here! Absolutely. I think what 2sunny is failing to see is that I have and continue to make a better life for myself. I don't have to drop him to do that, I'm doing it anyway.

 

2sunny - please stop ranting about cheating! right now I think myself and crazymagnet are being cautious not stupid. You can warn us about all the things that happen to other people - but you have to give each case it's merit and though a certain amount of light thrown on others people's experiences is worthy, they aren't cheating on us now. I just feel that you have taken these situations to an extreme, to a place where they are not at. Take a few steps back, we're over here in the place where people try and stay with the guy that means something to them and will try and do what they can to make it work. I feel like my post has been a bit hijacked by it all!

 

Crazymagnet - good luck.. I'm off to think about what realistic boundaries there are... and 2sunny, it is possible that people will set boundaries for someone else..... whether he is one of them I don't yet know, but I can tell him mine.....