lost the love of my life :(

[messedupsobad]

Hey everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and have started fighting constantly over the past 6 weeks, to be honest, our whole relationship has been quite volatile from the word go (coz of various exes in the picture). But after every fight, we'd make up coz we loved each other so much.

 

I guess most of the fights were my fault. I'd let tiny things get to me and kick up a big fuss over it coz I didn't know how to handle the situation. The main reasons I used to kick off were:

 

a) I always seemed to pay more than him whenever we went out...even this time he took me ice-skating on a date and I paid for myself...not that he asked me to..but usually it takes him so long to get his wallet out and pay that it seems like he's reluctant about paying (obviously my assumption according to him!) and so I just used to jump in and pay. I took him on a trip to Switzerland for his bday and he didnt even offer to pay for lunch after I spent so much on his bday. Money doesn't matter to me, and I don't mind spending on him at all, in fact, I love buying him gifts that he actually wants. However, I don't feel the same from his side (maybe I should coz it's not fair to burden him with my expectations, but I do wish he'd buy me flowers or even chocolates just randomly and surprise me or plan something for me)

 

b) He is always defensive when I make jokes. I like a bit of a banter, and I feel that if you can't laugh at yourself and each other, where's the fun? But I feel like my jokes don't go down too well on him, and he's always quite defensive.

 

Initially, when I used to get upset, he would try and talk to me but he'd be in a big sulk over it all...so then I'd have to just make myself feel better...and get on with it. After a while, he started getting really abusive and angry..he'd yell and swear at me and put the fone down. I started fearing losing him and then would apologise each time after a fight, even when it had been totally his fault and he'd abused me so bad.

 

But recently, during xmas, our fights started getting really really bad and there was constant yelling, shouting, tears etc. Usually over the fone, coz we've been in a long-distance relationship since the beginning (except 3 months). And we've talked about breaking up over and over again. But I'm so scared of losing him, coz I love him so much.

 

We had another big fight on Saturday, and he said the only reason he was with me was because I was emotinally blackmailing him, and coz I wouldnt let go off him. Again, I apologised. Yesterday(Sunday: 10:30am) I called him to wish him a happy valentine's day, and he was in a mood. And thats the problem with me, when I know he's a upset with me, I can't let things be, I keep calling over and over and over again to try and say something that will make it better, and I guess that winds him up. He said I was suffocating him. Yesterday, he threatened me saying if I didn't shut up and stop calling him, he wouldnt come and see me for valentines. and he sent me this text:

 

'look u cant help messing everything up, can u? Ruined yesterday night so I havent done what I needed to and couldnt have full sleep. Then u know I dont wake up when ppl call me during sleeping but u call me and wrech my few hours of sleep so I take one more hour and wrecks the plans further. You know you always mess up everything, work, plans, health because you just dont give a crap about anything except pleasing yourself and telling people off'

 

It really hurts, coz earlier, even when we fought, we'd always be so loving to each other, and never blame each other badly. He used to be such a kind, caring and loving boyfriend. And now I just feel like i'm treading on egg shells all the time. Earlier on, he used to text me from work, call me even during the day. But now even when I call him, he doesnt pick up and fones me back afterwards.

 

Anyways, my point is that I really really want to make things better, we used to be so much in love, always dying to hear from each other, wanting to see each other on weekends and now this relationship seems like a chore. But I don't want to give up on it I don't know if there's anyway that I can make things better so that he misses me and wants me as much as I want him?

 

I know this post doesn't make much sense, but my feelings are so all over the place atm...its like I love him sooooo much, but when I call him and he doesnt pick up, I feel like I hate him. And then he will call me back and I feel it's better but then when I call him and text him, he ignores me again.

 

He stayed with me last night and left this morning and after I got into work I texted him saying 'thanks for coming yesterday and staying, it made me really happy. i love you so much' and when I didnt get a reply back I rang him up and he ignored me.

 

What should I do? Should I not text him/call him that much? He says I shouldnt talk about unhappy times...so basically if we fight, we should just make up and not try and analyse/clarify anything. I guess that's something I can work on.

 

I'm just scared that if I stop calling/texting, I'll lose him?

 

Pls advice. Thanks.

[Bejita463]

Well, your side of things makes the guy sound like a giant douche. I'd bet things would sound different from his side, but regardless, your opinion of this guy is pretty negative. Why are you still with him? What you just described wasn't what I'd call love.

[messedupsobad]

No no, he's a great guy. These are only the things that are going wrong. And I feel like it was coz I kicked off so often, I've made him resent me and want to get away from me. I dont know...we used to be so in love, and I guess I miss our love so bad...things have gotten so bad and I just wanna make them better.

[Bejita463]

Like I said, your side doesn't leave much room for interpretation. I have a hard time taking your side though, because I have had a partner keep me awake with relatively pointless things we should never have been arguing about to begin with. To the degree that I would end up being unable to get any sleep before work at all.

 

Then she'd argue with me again, and I'd say things that probably made sense to me at the time, with varying degrees of anger. Anger she'd then pretend she didn't understand, after she got to have her full set of sleep. You know, the set of sleep she deprived me of. I don't know how SHE would describe our arguments, but I imagine it would look a lot like what you just did.

 

So, as much of a douche as you make him sound, and you make him sound like a HUGE douche, I have a hard time going along with it.

 

What are you arguing over?

Why?

Who's bringing it up?

How long do the arguments last?

Who pursues the argument?

What did the argument even address or resolve?

Did the argument inconvenience him in some way it did not inconvenience you?

Are you arguing about things actually done, or things that might be done?

Actual, or possible problems?

Can you, after the argument is over, explain HIS side of the argument in a manner he would agree accurately portrays his side of things?

Can he do this with yours?

[harmfulsweetz]

Hm. He sounds immature. And like he just isn't bothered about you. You bug him because he doesn't answer your text, which if he had, you wouldn't need to ring him. Ok, I see the point about sleep, you call him when he wants to sleep, he may say things he doesn't necessarily mean.

 

Yet, I can't help but think he is very childish. It's very 'your at fault', there's no 'we both did this, said this' etc, which to resolve an arguement, you need to both first acknowledge what each other did and understand the consequences of it, before you can fully move on.

 

Are the arguements trivial, serious what?

 

Maybe you should go a few days without texting him/calling him, see if he contacts you. I'm willing to bet the moment you stop doing it he will either a) step up to the mark and do it b) won't and then you'll have your answer. Try it. Go a week say without initiating contact, at all, you may find out then just how much he actually cares.

 

Sometimes when people argue, one person needs to take a step back, think about things and walk away from the row. I've been there, I've been in arguements which have gone on stupidly long because neither of us knew when to bow out, learning when to stop is often the best thing you will learn during arguements. It's not giving in, it's saying 'look, this is getting ridiculous, I'm not partaking anymore, and I'm going to let it cool.'

[counterman]

No no, he's a great guy. These are only the things that are going wrong. And I feel like it was coz I kicked off so often, I've made him resent me and want to get away from me. I dont know...we used to be so in love, and I guess I miss our love so bad...things have gotten so bad and I just wanna make them better.

 

You do not really know someone until you really get to know them i.e. going through all these issues and seeing how you and him respond. I am going to be honest and say your boyfriend does sound like a douche, as Bejita said.

 

I always seemed to pay more than him whenever we went out...even this time he took me ice-skating on a date and I paid for myself...not that he asked me to..but usually it takes him so long to get his wallet out and pay that it seems like he's reluctant about paying (obviously my assumption according to him!) and so I just used to jump in and pay. I took him on a trip to Switzerland for his bday and he didnt even offer to pay for lunch after I spent so much on his bday. Money doesn't matter to me, and I don't mind spending on him at all, in fact, I love buying him gifts that he actually wants. However, I don't feel the same from his side (maybe I should coz it's not fair to burden him with my expectations, but I do wish he'd buy me flowers or even chocolates just randomly and surprise me or plan something for me)

 

I believe that once you take care of the giving, then the receiving will come. So, if you paying for his lunch, taking him on a trip and buying him gifts, it is because you want to give and happy to do so without any expectations of it being reciprocated. In saying that, there is a time, in my opinion, where you would feel unappreciated and it is normal to feel that way and to expect a level of receiving from you boyfriend. Thing is, I believe that if you do bring this up to your boyfriend, he will react negatively to it and would interpret it as you wanting more from him. Where as, I think it is just that the both of you are not on the same level. You want him more than he wants you.

 

He is always defensive when I make jokes. I like a bit of a banter, and I feel that if you can't laugh at yourself and each other, where's the fun? But I feel like my jokes don't go down too well on him, and he's always quite defensive.

 

Initially, when I used to get upset, he would try and talk to me but he'd be in a big sulk over it all...so then I'd have to just make myself feel better...and get on with it. After a while, he started getting really abusive and angry..he'd yell and swear at me and put the fone down. I started fearing losing him and then would apologise each time after a fight, even when it had been totally his fault and he'd abused me so bad.

 

Swearing and yelling and being abusive is no way to solve any issues. It just increases the problems tenfold and you are left upset and he is left angry. It doesn't help either of you. It is a very immature response by him and you do not deserve to be treated that way. By apologising, you are submitting to him that you are wrong and that it is your fault but always remember that both of you have responsibility in the argument, it is not only one person's fault. Abuse is just not a way to go.

 

My ex never took too kindly to my jokes. She was okay with them at first but, soon after, I got yelled at for even the slightest tease or playful banter. It was terrible. It wasn't fun talking to her and when she joked about me, I was fine with it. I just wasn't "allowed" to do the same. Now, is it a representation of me? No. It was directly correlated to how she felt about me; she was just not that into me. Even the simplest of jokes rubbed her the wrong way. I think that's like your case too, seeing that he is really defensive when you make a playful joke.

 

But recently, during xmas, our fights started getting really really bad and there was constant yelling, shouting, tears etc. Usually over the fone, coz we've been in a long-distance relationship since the beginning (except 3 months). And we've talked about breaking up over and over again. But I'm so scared of losing him, coz I love him so much.

 

We had another big fight on Saturday, and he said the only reason he was with me was because I was emotinally blackmailing him, and coz I wouldnt let go off him. Again, I apologised. Yesterday(Sunday: 10:30am) I called him to wish him a happy valentine's day, and he was in a mood. And thats the problem with me, when I know he's a upset with me, I can't let things be, I keep calling over and over and over again to try and say something that will make it better, and I guess that winds him up. He said I was suffocating him. Yesterday, he threatened me saying if I didn't shut up and stop calling him, he wouldnt come and see me for valentines. and he sent me this text:

 

'look u cant help messing everything up, can u? Ruined yesterday night so I havent done what I needed to and couldnt have full sleep. Then u know I dont wake up when ppl call me during sleeping but u call me and wrech my few hours of sleep so I take one more hour and wrecks the plans further. You know you always mess up everything, work, plans, health because you just dont give a crap about anything except pleasing yourself and telling people off'

 

I'm sorry but that made me flinch. He contradicts himself in his text, seems like he cares about his sleep and other things more then he cares about you. His threats and his blaming you is emotional abuse and you shouldn't be taking this. This level of resentment is not healthy.

 

Long distance relationships are always so hard to keep together and I can only imagine how you feel. I would never be in a long distance relationship though. It is normal to feel the way you do. I mean, if I knew someone was upset with me, I wouldn't feel right myself. He just showed a lack of consideration for you as well.

 

It really hurts, coz earlier, even when we fought, we'd always be so loving to each other, and never blame each other badly. He used to be such a kind, caring and loving boyfriend. And now I just feel like i'm treading on egg shells all the time. Earlier on, he used to text me from work, call me even during the day. But now even when I call him, he doesnt pick up and fones me back afterwards.

 

Anyways, my point is that I really really want to make things better, we used to be so much in love, always dying to hear from each other, wanting to see each other on weekends and now this relationship seems like a chore. But I don't want to give up on it I don't know if there's anyway that I can make things better so that he misses me and wants me as much as I want him?

 

I know this post doesn't make much sense, but my feelings are so all over the place atm...its like I love him sooooo much, but when I call him and he doesnt pick up, I feel like I hate him. And then he will call me back and I feel it's better but then when I call him and text him, he ignores me again.

 

Now you see another side of him. Is he that great after all or do you want it to be like it was when you first met? It seems like you are more attached then he is, you definitely want him more. I admire that you don't want to give up on it and that you want to work things out. However, having been through something similiar, no matter how much you try to work on things, nothing good will come of it if he isn't willing to work with you too. This means no blaming and no avoid; just two people working together. Honestly, I don't see it happening. This seems to be wearing you down a lot and I think you deserve better.

 

If he doesn't want you as much as you want him and if he's not that into you currently, there is nothing you can do to make him miss you more or want you more. Thing about it, if he is treating you this way even if he comes back more loving, he would most definitely revert back to this level of resentment.

 

Ignoring you by not responding to your texts and calls is emotional abuse.

 

He stayed with me last night and left this morning and after I got into work I texted him saying 'thanks for coming yesterday and staying, it made me really happy. i love you so much' and when I didnt get a reply back I rang him up and he ignored me.

 

What should I do? Should I not text him/call him that much? He says I shouldnt talk about unhappy times...so basically if we fight, we should just make up and not try and analyse/clarify anything. I guess that's something I can work on.

I'm just scared that if I stop calling/texting, I'll lose him?

 

Pls advice. Thanks.

 

Communication is key in every relationship. If there are issues, you need to discuss them together in a calm manner. Real making up is not just hugging and telling each other to forget about it, because chances are issues from the past will always resurface and hatred will build from it. He does not seem as though he wants to communicate with you.

 

It really hurts that he did not respond to your call. He knows he has you already and he knows you want him bad. Frankly, he just doesn't share that. He knows that if something is wrong, you'll always come calling back and apologising. Don't let him treat you this way... Ask yourself honestly, are you really happy in this relationship? REALLY? Is this really worth fighting for, considering all the issues your brought up and how he really feels about you?

 

If it's taking a toll on you honey, I say break-up and move on. Don't contact him and learn from this. Never let someone treat you like that again.

 

All the best.

[lordWilhelm]

1) Don't pay for him as a matter of fact. On special occasions only, and then don't expect anything in return. If you do, he may well start taking advantage of you.

 

2) Verbal/emotional abuse and blaming like I see in that text is bad news. Maybe he was kind at the beginning but right now it doesn't seem like it... are you sure you still want to be with him?

 

3) Don't smother him.

3a If you sent him a text saying "i love you, it was great to see you" -- you shouldn't call him after he didn't reply. Again, you're projecting your expectation on him that he should reply something sweet back. If he does, you know he's genuine and if he doesn't maybe he's not as sweet as you think he is. But calling him forces him to say something without meaning it.

3b You should definitely take a bit of a distance. Texting/calling all the time will actually lose him for you. There has to be a balance. You call sometimes, he calls sometimes; if that doesn't happen it's because he's already lost interest and you can only keep for so long against his will.

 

4) What you describe is very negative. Are there any positives in the relationship right now?

 

5) Don't be afraid to learn from what went wrong, and move on to something new. He can sense that you're afraid of losing him, and looks like he's using this to strengthen his hand. You need to be at peace with yourself and once you value yourself, others will perceive this and value you in turn.

[messedupsobad]

Ok...the thing is..I know this is only my side..and I feel things are unfair on me...and am sure he feels exactly the same from his side...my point is...I dont really care who's wrong, etc. I know I've been wrong at times, I know he's been wrong at times, and in terms of the blame game...we're even (or maybe I'm more to blame coz I usually 'kick-off' at something he's done or not done). I hope the following answers will make it clearer. The point is...I want to make things better...I know at the moment I am upset at him for a lot of things, and he is upset at me too...both of us are right, both of us are wrong. Dont know if that makes sense? And I just wanna make things better from my side, (a) I want to make him feel loved again, I know he's hurt (b) I want us to get better in the sense to trust and love each other again like we used to, rather than fight all the time.

 

What are you arguing over? - Usually its petty things like...misinterpreting each others words - usually due to insecurities from my side, because he cheated on me once with his ex, he says I take things and twist them in my own head, which I guess I do coz I'm so insecure and always think 'he wouldnt say that/feel that if he loved me. And when I get upset and I just withdraw emotionally and in his words 'test his love'. I dont do it on purpose, just sometimes it really hurts when he says things without thinking of the implication of his words on me...

 

Why? - insecurities, loads of them. On his side, on my side. Lack of trust - we love each other but don't trust the other person's love at all.

 

Who's bringing it up? - Usually me. The usual process is -

Me: 'why did you' or 'how could you'

Him: 'you're making it up in your own head so u can either act right or bugger off'

Me: 'you're hurting me real bad, why are u hurting me, dont u love me?'

 

How long do the arguments last? - from few hours to about 3 days - usually we end up arguing not about what went wrong in the first instance, but about how we treated each other during the argument

 

Who pursues the argument? - Me, his reaction to arguments in usually to give me the cold shoulder

 

What did the argument even address or resolve? - Nothing. We argue over the same stuff over and over again - usually he says something, I take it wrongly, he tells me to bugger off and he's done with me, I cry and apologise, he takes me back

 

The reason its so much worse now is that the minute I get upset at something he goes 'there you go again, you're going to cry now and ruin everything' and that just makes me feel soooo much worse than the initial upset at something he said.

 

Did the argument inconvenience him in some way it did not inconvenience you? - Not really. We both suffer. He is currently doing a PhD and can go in to work anytime he wants, whereas I have to be up at 7am. So even if we're both fighting the whole night..I still HAVE TO go to work so I do, but he goes to sleep and then blames me for not waking up.

 

 

Are you arguing about things actually done, or things that might be done?

Actual, or possible problems?

Its usually things he says that hurt. For example on Saturday, I went out with my friends while he went to his parent's place for the weekend. I came back and texted him saying 'hey baby, am home, going to sleep soon'. His response was 'goodnight'. Ok doesnt sound too bad. But the point is...just a year ago..his response would have been to call me and say goodnight. So straight away I call him and say 'baby, why didnt u call me to say goodnight' and his answer is 'its a bit awkward when you're sitting with your mum/sister to walk out'. This is the cause of the fight. Coz just a year ago, he didnt have problems calling me when he was with family, so why has that changed now? So basically, my problem is that he has changed, does things differently, and makes me feel insecure and unwanted. And I guess to him, I am suffocating. The more he ignores me, the needier I get, the needier I get, the more he wants nothing to do with me.

 

 

Can you, after the argument is over, explain HIS side of the argument in a manner he would agree accurately portrays his side of things?

No. We just dont understand how hurt the other person is feeling I guess.

 

Can he do this with yours?

No, he says its all in my head and I kick off. But I just feel hurt that he's changed and it makes me kick off. I cant help it.

 

Anyways, I know I am a lot to blame. He used to treat me soooooo good and I've destroyed it all over petty fights. I just wanna make things better from my side. What can I do to make the pain/hurt we're both feeling go away and restore our love? I know I need to act better, and I really want to know how to do it.

[Leia]

Why? - insecurities, loads of them. On his side, on my side. Lack of trust - we love each other but don't trust the other person's love at all.

 

I skimmed through and couldn't read any further as it was too long and my attention span is pretty low but this part caught my eye.

 

If there is no trust on both sides then you guys might as well end the relationship.

 

Another thing is, I think you're smothering him way too much. Cut back on that.

[Thebob]

Hey everyone,

 

Money doesn't matter to me, and I don't mind spending on him at all, in fact, I love buying him gifts that he actually wants.

 

Hook me up =)

[lordWilhelm]

Look, this guy cheated on you with his ex -- obviously there are trust issues; it's not unreasonable for you to feel insecure, and he's not being considerate at all. By cheating on you, he's already shown how little he really cares about you and he's not shown that he's changed his ways. Did the point when your relationship turn sour coincide with the cheating?

 

It seems he's not willing to accomodate you, and you know inside this spells trouble down the road. But you need to hold on to your dignity and you need to show self-respect. That is far more important than holding on to him -- because if he doesn't come around to respect you, then there is no future in this relationship.

 

You need to find your own interests to keep you occupied and be a whole person without him. If he realizes what he's missing on and comes back good; if not, you probably saved yourself a ton of problems down the road.

[Rulebreaker]

No no, he's a great guy. These are only the things that are going wrong. And I feel like it was coz I kicked off so often, I've made him resent me and want to get away from me. I dont know...we used to be so in love, and I guess I miss our love so bad...things have gotten so bad and I just wanna make them better.

This sounds extremely familiar. I am finally pulling myself up after a breakup 2 months ago under very similar circumstances.

 

If the relationship has always been volatile, it probably wasn't right. In any event, no matter how great a guy he is independently of you, he wasn't a great guy in the relationship with you. Even if you made mistakes, it's not as much your fault as you think it is right now. It's very easy to pick out your own faults and go over what you could have done better or worse.

 

I would strongly suggest you try to move on. I understand how impossible this seems to you because I have been through it. But really, you don't seem to have much to gain by looking backward and lots to lose - it will just make you feel worse and worse when he doesn't respond and grows more distant. If he shapes up he will come after you later and you can decide then whether you want him or not.

[Bejita463]

Keep in mind, I used to have a relationship situation that seems somewhat similar to what you describe, which is why I am playing Devil's Advocate. I don't know how your guy is acting, but I know how I acted in the similar situation, and why I did it. So I am going to try to give you that perspective.

 

I never cheated though, so my attitude is a bit skewed. Having said that, if you can't ever trust the guy again after that, you should not be together anymore anyway. A lot of what I imagine your issues are, revolves around trust.

 

What are you arguing over? - Usually its petty things like...misinterpreting each others words - usually due to insecurities from my side, because he cheated on me once with his ex, he says I take things and twist them in my own head, which I guess I do coz I'm so insecure and always think 'he wouldnt say that/feel that if he loved me. And when I get upset and I just withdraw emotionally and in his words 'test his love'. I dont do it on purpose, just sometimes it really hurts when he says things without thinking of the implication of his words on me...

 

Whether or not that is reasonable really depends on what exactly he is saying that you misinterpret. My experience was having things I said taken so far away from what I meant that I felt like my words were being intentionally twisted.

 

Why? - insecurities, loads of them. On his side, on my side. Lack of trust - we love each other but don't trust the other person's love at all.

 

Again it depends entirely on what the insecurities are, and whether or not there is any reasonable basis to have them. If you cannot trust one another, then one of the two core foundations of the relationship is missing, and it will crumble. Not might, will.

 

Who's bringing it up? - Usually me. The usual process is -

Me: 'why did you' or 'how could you'

Him: 'you're making it up in your own head so u can either act right or bugger off'

Me: 'you're hurting me real bad, why are u hurting me, dont u love me?'

 

The experience I had involved conversations similar, and when I had finally tired of the bull**** I had the same attitude. It was a "If you cannot trust me, then just go find someone you can trust. I don't care anymore" attitude. I could have handled the specifics better than I did, just as he could, and that is a regret.

 

Regardless, if you ARE coming up with things that are entirely unreasonable, and constantly arguing with him about them, I don't really blame his lack of desire to speak with you. If you have reasonable, logical, well founded reasons for your complaints... well, in that event, he is being a megadouche.

 

How long do the arguments last? - from few hours to about 3 days - usually we end up arguing not about what went wrong in the first instance, but about how we treated each other during the argument

Who pursues the argument? - Me, his reaction to arguments in usually to give me the cold shoulder

 

I can't think of an argument that I've been involved in that has ever required more than an hour to come to whatever conclusion it was going to come to. They may have lasted longer, but that was just delay. The results were already there.

 

I had this same thing happen to me. The same few issues kept coming up over, and over, and over, and over...

 

...

 

and OVER, and OVER again. I thought the conversation was fully concluded the FIRST time something was discussed. Especially since the several hours (or days) it took to discuss were far more than the 30ish minutes they required. After a while my attitude was "You already know what I think about this. We've discussed it way too many times for you not to. I'm not discussing this anymore. Either trust what you've been told already, or don't. I don't care."

 

This one I am relatively confident about. He's tired of the constant arguing, and of the length of the arguments when they occur. He is attempting to avoid discussing controversial things with you at ALL so that he can avoid that. Then, when/if it happens anyway, he hopes that refusing to participate will cut it short, since nothing else has worked.

 

What did the argument even address or resolve? - Nothing. We argue over the same stuff over and over again - usually he says something, I take it wrongly, he tells me to bugger off and he's done with me, I cry and apologise, he takes me back

 

The reason its so much worse now is that the minute I get upset at something he goes 'there you go again, you're going to cry now and ruin everything' and that just makes me feel soooo much worse than the initial upset at something he said.

 

Hey, what do you know. I hadn't even gotten to this part yet. Remember the perspective I offered of being repeatedly harassed by the same thing? That thing just above this? That is one of the most emotionally draining experiences I've ever had, and I've had a failed marriage.

 

I said similar things because I was so sick of that constant harassment that I preferred to be alone over dealing with it anymore. My guess that he is only taking you back because he hopes that you'll finally realize if you don't cut the crap he'll walk, and will instead choose him over the (by your admission) petty grievances you keep bringing up.

 

How he handles the onset of an argument is displaying his fatigue in dealing with it. I'd wager he didn't always have the reaction to them that he does now.

 

Did the argument inconvenience him in some way it did not inconvenience you? - Not really. We both suffer. He is currently doing a PhD and can go in to work anytime he wants, whereas I have to be up at 7am. So even if we're both fighting the whole night..I still HAVE TO go to work so I do, but he goes to sleep and then blames me for not waking up.

 

I've nothing to contribute here, except to say that my experience involved an unfair inconvenience. So my perspective on what he may be thinking/feeling is biased by that.

 

Are you arguing about things actually done, or things that might be done?

Actual, or possible problems?

Its usually things he says that hurt. For example on Saturday, I went out with my friends while he went to his parent's place for the weekend. I came back and texted him saying 'hey baby, am home, going to sleep soon'. His response was 'goodnight'. Ok doesnt sound too bad. But the point is...just a year ago..his response would have been to call me and say goodnight. So straight away I call him and say 'baby, why didnt u call me to say goodnight' and his answer is 'its a bit awkward when you're sitting with your mum/sister to walk out'. This is the cause of the fight. Coz just a year ago, he didnt have problems calling me when he was with family, so why has that changed now? So basically, my problem is that he has changed, does things differently, and makes me feel insecure and unwanted. And I guess to him, I am suffocating. The more he ignores me, the needier I get, the needier I get, the more he wants nothing to do with me.

 

Well, it seems like you know what the problem is there. I'd be pretty irritated with this though. It's not a year ago anymore, and you were both almost certainly getting along better back then. The more you push for a certain type of behavior, the less he is going to do it. The only thing you accomplished here is to ensure his response to future texts will not be to call you.

 

Can you, after the argument is over, explain HIS side of the argument in a manner he would agree accurately portrays his side of things?

No. We just dont understand how hurt the other person is feeling I guess.

 

If you cannot explain his side, you were so focused on yours that you did not listen to what he had to say. If you cannot explain HIS side after the conclusion of an argument, you failed horribly at communicating. ESPECIALLY if the argument lasted several hours or days. That is WAY more than enough time you should be able to understand his view completely.

 

Just a guess, but you are spending less time listening to his responses than you are spending formulating your own response.

 

Can he do this with yours?

No, he says its all in my head and I kick off. But I just feel hurt that he's changed and it makes me kick off. I cant help it.

 

This is equally bad from him. He may feel however, that what you are thinking about a situation is not relevant, as it is not what you think it is, and in his mind you should already know that from previous arguments.

 

Anyways, I know I am a lot to blame. He used to treat me soooooo good and I've destroyed it all over petty fights. I just wanna make things better from my side. What can I do to make the pain/hurt we're both feeling go away and restore our love? I know I need to act better, and I really want to know how to do it.

 

This is what I would have wanted to happen. The arguments? Drop 'em. Don't try to conclude them once and for all. Don't try to tie up any weird variations of questions you've already asked (but these are different because you ask with different words, or some other obscure cop-out). Just stop bringing them up.

 

If these issues are the major barb in the relationship, cutting them out alone will put things back on the tracks they used to be on. If you absolutely can not trust what he's said regarding the arguments in the past well enough to do this, and I am not even saying you should accept what he has said (he could have been lying, I don't know), the relationship isn't going to work.

[messedupsobad]

Ok..so really trying hard to be in a positive state of mind and not wreck things any further...

 

I went home yesterday after work and didnt call him...received a fone call at approx 7:30pm..he was still at his labs trying to work on an experiment...

 

Mess up 1: I said something like 'oh, go do your work, dont worry we can talk some other time' obviously not meaning it at all, and just wanting him to say 'nah, baby, talk to me, I wanna talk to u for a bit' (which he would have done in the past), but he was like 'oh, ok talk to u later'. We put the fone down and I felt really really restless...and guess what:

 

Mess up 2: foned him back! I told him I was going to sleep, he sounded like he didnt really wanna be on the fone...and then said 'I gotta go, my experiment's ready for next stage'. So we hung up again.

 

Mess up 3: I called him again at 11:45pm and he was at home, said he'd tried calling me earlier but my fone went on voicemail and he thought I'd switched it off. He said he was sleepy and I was like ok...talk to you 2mrw.

 

Thing is...I guess I keep calling back because I feel that at some point our conversation will go back to being normal and loving, just the way it used to be...and we would put the fone down feeling loved and content with each other. But everytime we put the fone down, I feel such anger adn frustration...

 

It has taken all my effort yesterday not to lash out and act like a victim...I know its not right to do that. But I honestly just want it to be the way it used to be. I feel such anger towards him at times. I admit I didnt act right, but he was wrong too. And now when am trying really hard to make it better, it's like he's put this wall around himself...and I just feel really frustrated.

 

My birthday is in 2 weeks and I'll be in London for work purposes. He said he will come visit me and spend the weekend with me. Again, he made it sound like something he HAS to do, rather than something he wants to do...and that makes me feel so worthless...but I didnt say anything or lash out, just agreed and said he doesnt have to come if he doesnt want to..at which he replied 'no, I have to, coz its already arranged' rather than saying anything nice to make me feel good. I guess he feels he's done enough to make me 'feel good' and I still 'kicked off' loads, so now he doesnt feel like being nice to me anymore.

 

Ok...I have decided I should take it a day at a time. So what should I do and not do for today? I'm not going to text him/call him, but when he texts me or calls, what should I be like?

 

Thanks a lot for all your help guys. I should mention, that I don't really have any friends except him because I stopped hanging out with them after I started going out with him. (coz my ex used to be in the same friends group and it used to upset him that I'd hang out with friends including my ex). So basically, I really need all the advice I can get to put my relationship back on track.

 

Thanks so much.

[Leia]

Mess up 1: I said something like 'oh, go do your work, dont worry we can talk some other time' obviously not meaning it at all, and just wanting him to say 'nah, baby, talk to me, I wanna talk to u for a bit' (which he would have done in the past), but he was like 'oh, ok talk to u later'. We put the fone down and I felt really really restless...and guess what:

 

Don't say things you do not mean. He was in the middle of doing something, did you really think he should put you before his experiment?

 

Mess up 2: foned him back! I told him I was going to sleep, he sounded like he didnt really wanna be on the fone...and then said 'I gotta go, my experiment's ready for next stage'. So we hung up again.

 

Again, you shouldn't have called him back. You're smothering him. Just let him know that you'd like him to call you back when he's done.

 

Mess up 3: I called him again at 11:45pm and he was at home, said he'd tried calling me earlier but my fone went on voicemail and he thought I'd switched it off. He said he was sleepy and I was like ok...talk to you 2mrw.

 

Thing is...I guess I keep calling back because I feel that at some point our conversation will go back to being normal and loving, just the way it used to be...and we would put the fone down feeling loved and content with each other. But everytime we put the fone down, I feel such anger adn frustration...

 

Maybe you should not expecting him to reply in certain ways or in the way you want him to respond?

 

My birthday is in 2 weeks and I'll be in London for work purposes. He said he will come visit me and spend the weekend with me. Again, he made it sound like something he HAS to do, rather than something he wants to do...and that makes me feel so worthless...but I didnt say anything or lash out, just agreed and said he doesnt have to come if he doesnt want to..at which he replied 'no, I have to, coz its already arranged' rather than saying anything nice to make me feel good. I guess he feels he's done enough to make me 'feel good' and I still 'kicked off' loads, so now he doesnt feel like being nice to me anymore.

 

Why do you feel that way? Did you say something to him to make him say he'd visit you?

 

Ok...I have decided I should take it a day at a time. So what should I do and not do for today? I'm not going to text him/call him, but when he texts me or calls, what should I be like?

 

I can't tell you to be yourself cos if you do, you might smother him even more. When he calls, just talk about what the day is/was like.

 

Thanks a lot for all your help guys. I should mention, that I don't really have any friends except him because I stopped hanging out with them after I started going out with him. (coz my ex used to be in the same friends group and it used to upset him that I'd hang out with friends including my ex). So basically, I really need all the advice I can get to put my relationship back on track.

 

Thanks so much.

 

See. That's a mistake right there. Never leave your friends behind when you are seeing someone!

[Bejita463]

Ok..so really trying hard to be in a positive state of mind and not wreck things any further...

 

I went home yesterday after work and didnt call him...received a fone call at approx 7:30pm..he was still at his labs trying to work on an experiment...

 

Good. Giving him space.

 

Mess up 1: I said something like 'oh, go do your work, dont worry we can talk some other time' obviously not meaning it at all, and just wanting him to say 'nah, baby, talk to me, I wanna talk to u for a bit' (which he would have done in the past), but he was like 'oh, ok talk to u later'. We put the fone down and I felt really really restless...and guess what:

 

Bad. You aren't going to fix crap by playing games. Quit testing him and/or trying to goad him into giving you the responses you WANT him to give. He already called. Why do you need further validation? This is the kind of behavior that will make a guy think that nothing he can do is good enough for you.

 

If it ISN'T good enough, maybe he isn't right for you. If it IS, quit screwing around.

 

Mess up 2: foned him back! I told him I was going to sleep, he sounded like he didnt really wanna be on the fone...and then said 'I gotta go, my experiment's ready for next stage'. So we hung up again.

 

Bad. Of course he didn't want to be on the phone. You already rejected one of his calls. You could easily have texted him that you were going to bed.

 

Mess up 3: I called him again at 11:45pm and he was at home, said he'd tried calling me earlier but my fone went on voicemail and he thought I'd switched it off. He said he was sleepy and I was like ok...talk to you 2mrw.

 

Depends. Were you returning a missed call, or were you pestering him again? If the former, good. If the latter, bad.

 

Thing is...I guess I keep calling back because I feel that at some point our conversation will go back to being normal and loving, just the way it used to be...and we would put the fone down feeling loved and content with each other. But everytime we put the fone down, I feel such anger adn frustration...

 

The anger and frustration is due to your attempting to force something that can't be forced. He's not going to magically respond the way you want him to because you called him seven times instead of a paltry six.

 

It has taken all my effort yesterday not to lash out and act like a victim...I know its not right to do that.

 

You are correct. It isn't right. Do you understand WHY it isn't right? (Hint: I've already given you that answer)

 

But I honestly just want it to be the way it used to be. I feel such anger towards him at times. I admit I didnt act right, but he was wrong too. And now when am trying really hard to make it better, it's like he's put this wall around himself...and I just feel really frustrated.

 

You may be trying really hard, but here's a fun parallel. If I give CPR to someone, it IS possible to try too hard to get them breathing again. Know what happens? They end up with cracked ribs. They might even die. My INTENT doesn't affect the results.

 

What you are doing is the equivalent of being too forceful with CPR. You are being too forceful on an already strained relationship. If you want there to be improvement, you need to resign yourself to a couple things. One, they might not GET better and you may have to move on. Two, you cannot MAKE things happen the way you want them to, and the more you try the more likely the first thing is going to be.

 

My birthday is in 2 weeks and I'll be in London for work purposes. He said he will come visit me and spend the weekend with me. Again, he made it sound like something he HAS to do, rather than something he wants to do...and that makes me feel so worthless...but I didnt say anything or lash out, just agreed and said he doesnt have to come if he doesnt want to..at which he replied 'no, I have to, coz its already arranged' rather than saying anything nice to make me feel good. I guess he feels he's done enough to make me 'feel good' and I still 'kicked off' loads, so now he doesnt feel like being nice to me anymore.

 

Remember how I mentioned he might be feeling like nothing he does is good enough anyway? Now if you had a lack of enthusiasm about something, because no matter what you did it was going to be wrong... would your reaction be so different?

 

Ok...I have decided I should take it a day at a time. So what should I do and not do for today? I'm not going to text him/call him, but when he texts me or calls, what should I be like?

 

You should focus less on him, and more on...

 

Thanks a lot for all your help guys. I should mention, that I don't really have any friends except him because I stopped hanging out with them after I started going out with him.

 

...fixing this. Get a life! He can't be everything you have going on, and if he is, that isn't healthy.

 

(coz my ex used to be in the same friends group and it used to upset him that I'd hang out with friends including my ex).

 

That should have been the reason he became your ex. That is manipulation. It is unreasonable to expect someone to drop everything just because you want them to.

[messedupsobad]

I know you're right...I am trying my hardest not to smother him..but am so scared that he's just going further and further away from me...it breaks my heart into a million pieces...

 

I know he's hurt too...with my constant fighting him over 'things in my head' as he says, so I guess I just have to be patient and not lash out any more. Even if I'm feeling hurt, I will try and act normal and hopefully it will get better.

 

I was wondering...as I said before...he'll come visit me in London for my bday..when we started going out...one of the best times we had together was when we went away to Windsor for a weekend and went to Thorpe Park. Do you think its a good idea to suggest that I would like to go to Thorpe Park for my bday? Maybe being in a place that we had so many happy memories of will help to diffuse some of the tension and bring back some hope? Maybe he'll feel things arent so bad anymore?

 

Or do you think its a bad idea and I'll be pressurising him? He's feeling quite low at the moment too...and I know things can get sooo much better if he starts thinking positively about our relationship.

 

Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

[messedupsobad]

I know...I really do regret stopping contact with my friends...but it just seemed so right...we were so much in love and so sure we were going to get married, he used to tell me how much he loved me and showered me with so much attention...I didnt have the need for anyone else in my life at all..and now that he's withdrawing away from me...it's left a big empty hole in my life...

 

He was my best friend...I told him everything..my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities...and now he's just decided that there's nothing good in me to hold on to? I feel so worthless...I made him the center of my world...and it hurts that he cant forgive me, understand me..

 

Bad day today...havent texted him or anything yet...but just feel like a total wreck. Was just looking at some of our pictures and really want to forward him one to remind him of happier times...its hard controlling myself...really is!

 

Dont know if i'll ever feel better again

[counterman]

In my opinion, taking him to a place where you two have had a lot of great memories will only make the both of you feel better temporarily. There are still a lot of issues at hand and no old good memories will push that aside for good. Like you said, he has to start thinking positive about this relationship to, he has to want to work things out with you.

 

It is natural that we distance ourselves from our friends when we are with someone we love. I remember I did that in my relationship too but not to the extent that I cut them off completely. You need your friends, especially if they were with you before you met him. My ex, however, always put her friends first and I was last, which really hurt. In saying, I always encouraged her to be with her friends. I learnt not to put her on a pedestal and devote my every waking hour to her. So, is there anyways you can get back into contact with your friends?

 

It does really hurt...man, will it hurt so bad. If he has decided that you are not worth the effort to hold onto, then he doesn't deserve you. He just wouldn't be feeling the same way, but he's still here with you. I don't think it's a good idea to look at photoes either. It'll wreck you up inside even more and make you romanticise about only the great times you have had with him. Actually, I don't know. If it makes you feel better, then go for it I guess.

 

You will feel better. Focus on yourself, do things to keep yourself busy. Like what the others have said, find your friends!

Edited February 16, 2010 by counterman